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Your HORROR – scope for the week of: Feb 23, 2014


horoscope chart

Welcome back for another tasty treat from the many worlds beyond.

It’s funny how the planets, and other orbs in our solar system, can just smack us around at will.

But that’s the nature of nature I guess.

The monkeys have been high on chocolate all week. They got it on sale after Valentine’s Day

Anytime you mix monkeys with sugar and space, anything can happen. And it usually does.

As a result, their prognostications may sound a little weird, but then the monkeys are a little weird to begin with.

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is on the cusp of Aries at the moment and it wants to move on to bigger and better things. In the future, you will buy a book from a bookie called Blackie in a bookstore in Brooklyn.

Taurus… Neptune is square with Taurus at this time, but would rather be at an odd angle instead. You will have the uncontrollable urge to date a harpist. Don’t do it. Harpists are only out to pluck you.

Gemini… The Moon is in Gemini now, and the Gemini Twins are having trouble sleeping at night. You will soon become confused and only attempt to get milk products from a dromedary.

Cancer… The sun has been caught loitering in space by the space police. It will need an attorney. Speaking of which, you will meet a tort lawyer from Tortuga with a tortoise. It will be a trying and treacherous time. Maybe you should call Dennis Miller.

Leo… Saturn is in perigee but is confused because it thinks it should be in apogee. You will soon experience temporary hypertension, water retention, or a suspension. Enjoy.

Virgo… Venus is wants to be on the cusp of Virgo, but it’s caught in traffic and may be late. You will soon want to take a peek at antique teak.

Libra… Mars is tired of all the publicity it’s getting. The paparazzi is driving it crazy. On your next flight, you will be tempted to leave the aircraft and fix a broken cloud pattern.

Scorpio… The Earth is trine with Scorpio at the moment. It’s not sure how it got in that position. It thinks it should be square. You will soon discover that the upholstery on your couch has been mysteriously removed. You will then pray that your insurance will cover it.

Capricorn… You will breathe easy after writing a bestselling children’s’ book called, “Nebby The Nebulizer”.

Sagittarius… Mercury is putting on more sun blocker in preparation for another solar flare. A lot of worry will come your way soon, so be sure to make time for it.

Aquarius… Uranus is in retrograde at the moment and is confused about it. Soon, the world will call you, “mutton cheeks” for some unknown reason.

Pisces… Neptune wants to get to apogee, but has been slowed down due to an accident involving two asteroids. You will soon experience pandemonium over a pandering panda in Panama.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Dumped Dough Discussion


EDINBURGH, Scotland, Feb. 12 (UPI)

Papa John’s pizza said company officials are probing a photo posted online of a Scottish recycling Dumpster overflowing with pizza dough.

The photo, depicting a recycling container in Edinburgh near a Papa John’s location, was posted to Twitter Tuesday by Ailsa Burn-Murdoch, who tweeted, “I have a feeling @PapaJohnsUK owe a local sanitation worker free pizza for a year,” the Scotsman reported Tuesday.

The Kentucky-based pizza chain said it is investigating the incident with the help of the Edinburgh store.

Found @:

http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2014/02/12/Papa-Johns-probes-Scottish-Dumpster-dough-photo/UPI-42161392187052/#ixzz2t7I0jwWF

Hmmm…

A dumpster held Papa John’s dough,
So much that it overflowed,
The dumpster was full,
It’s true, it’s no bull,
Who put it there nobody knows.

They’re checking that situation,
Doing an investigation,
To find the poor Scott,
Or some stupid sot,
It’s causing PJs consternation.

A pic was attached to a Tweet,
The dough was not fit to eat,
It just sat there,
Swelling up in the air,
It’s a good thing the waste wasn’t meat.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Your HORROR – scope for the week of: Feb 2, 2014


Wow. We’re into February already.

Time really flies when you’re having fun.

Then again, with this week’s predictions, you may not experience much fun.

Our team of crack celestial interpreters have come up with their best prognostications for the coming week.

You may be happy, you may be sad.

In any case, we’re glad to present them to you.

Aries… The Moon is rising now and is on the cusp with Aries. Soon you will find yourself in many colorful fields. Unfortunately, they will be electrical fields.

Taurus… Jupiter is descending and trine with Taurus. In the future, you will become the subject of myths.

Gemini… Venus is in perigee now. Beware and be cautious. Your enemies are planning to make you disappear in a heavy mist.

Cancer… The Earth is square with Cancer at the moment. Be on the alert. Your enemies are planning to discount you 100 percent.

Leo… Uranus is rising at this time. Sorry, but it’s true. You will soon be outsmarted by a smart phone, or Dennis Miller. It could go either way.

Virgo… Mars is on the cusp of Virgo at the moment. Be extra cautious now. Your enemies are planning to upload you somewhere.

Libra… Neptune is square with Libra now. You will be tempted to buy auto insurance to attract good karma.

Scorpio… Saturn is descending at this time. You should be on the alert. Your enemies are planning to suck the life out of you with a straw. Let’s hope they choose a large one. It will be less painful.

Sagittarius… Mercury is in its fifth house planning a Valentine’s Day party. In the near future, you will be accused of waffling while eating pancakes.

Capricorn… Pluto is on the cusp of Capricorn now. Stay alert and cautious. Your enemies are planning to turn you into a harpy.

Aquarius… The Sun is trine with Aquarius at this time. Have fun. You will soon meet a workaholic, or an alcoholic, or someone diabolic suffering from colic.

Pisces… Jupiter is square with Pisces now. Proceed with caution. Your enemies are planning to burnish your brain with steel wool. It will feel hot and weird.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Fellow’s Food Fussiness Frustrating


Fussy eaterFussy Eater 38

OMAHA, NE—

According to sources, local fussy eater Bryan Wilcox, who is known for refusing to eat any type of food he hasn’t tried before or that falls outside of his narrow zone of comfort, is 38 years old.

“Can I just get it plain, without sauce?” asked the adult man, who was born in 1975, has a 401k, a spouse, and two young children, yet frowns and shakes his head at the sight of shellfish, most varieties of vegetable, or any sandwich that hasn’t first had its crust removed. “Is it touching tomatoes? I don’t want it if it’s touching tomatoes.”

Sources later confirmed that Wilcox, a fully grown human, just pushed his food around his plate until he got to have dessert.

Found@: http://www.theonion.com/articles/fussy-eater-38,35011/

Hmmm…

This guy is fussy over food,
I guess he’s never in the mood.
He’ll cannot touch a vegetable,
Even to be sociable.

A sandwich hasn’t passed his lips,
Forget about the sirloin tips.
Tomatoes aren’t on his list,
I’m sure by now you get my gist.

Shellfish makes him very picky,
To him I guess they’re truly icky.
He pushes food around his plate,
To him the fare is just not great.

But when it comes to sweet dessert,
“I love this!” he will quickly blurt.
He drives his wife and kids insane,
To them this man is quite inane.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Surfing Study Suggests Secret Searches


A survey by McAfee, a security company, found that 70 percent of children visit web sites which contain dangerous material.

And, the kids hide that fact from their parents.

That’s disturbing, but not a surprise. Kids will be kids.

Remember when surfing just mean riding the waves? That was pretty safe, save for a shark bite every now and then.

Hmmm…

We must watch our kid’s web activity,

We cannot stand by with passivity;

It’s dangerous out there,

We must be aware,

We must curb their natural proclivity.

Akinator Acts Accurately


Using deductive reasoning and the vast knowledge of the Internet, this website’s computer  can guess your thoughts.

Akinator, the Web Genius, is a very clever genie whose sole purpose is to determine what fictional or non-fictional character you’re thinking of.

She’s got a remarkable rate of success.

Just answer her Yes/No/Maybe questions, and in no time she’ll be able to deduce your character.

 

Hmmm…

The Akinator guesses your thoughts,

She’s smarter than most of the bots;

Just say yes or say no,

It will help her to know,

Then she’ll find the answer she sought.

Your “Horror”- scope for the week of July 1st, 2012


Aries… Neptune is slowly rising after an all-nighter. A chuckling chipmunk will nip you on your neck while you sit on a park bench.

Taurus… Saturn wants to give a ring to Uranus. A cocky cockroach will offer a crooked smile from your cereal bowl this week.

Gemini… Mars is in retrograde again. Buy lots of facial tissues. Soon you will be stalked by a town crier in his pajamas.

Cancer…. Your ruling celestial body, the moon, wants to abdicate. Stay away from mahjong tiles and Dennis Miller this week.

Leo… Pluto is suing over being demoted from planet status. Get ready for some fun, if you like porcupines in bed with you.

Virgo… Earth is in trine with the moon. It’s time to throw out that leftover egg salad sandwich under your couch cushions.

Libra… Mercury is taking a week off and phoned in its prediction. You will continuously pirouette while looking for your nemesis.

Scorpio…Saturn is in opposition to Mars. Time to take those marshmallows out of your ears.

Sagittarius… A new moon in conjunction with Saturn indicates you should cooperate with your enemies. After all, they are your parents.

Capricorn…Venus is dominant right now. Your encounter with a milkman will turn sour.

Aquarius… Uranus is about to go in transit with Mercury. Stop playing dumb. There is no need for it. Everyone knows your SAT scores.

Pisces…Pices is heading south for the winter. Heed this warning. If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you teach him how to fish, he’ll probably lose your favorite lure.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Leave the driving to us.


Google will start testing its newest development (self driving cars) in Nevada. They will be the first licensed automated vehicles in the U.S.

I can see it now. As we’re going down the road, a computer voice will yell:

“Will you kids stop arguing back there?”

“Stop it or I’ll turn this car around and we’ll go right home.”

“You should have gone to the bathroom before we left.”

“I’m never using Google Maps again.”

“I don’t need to stop and ask for directions. I know how to get there.”

 

Personally, I hope the program knows when I want to take a restroom break.

Hmmm.

Google has got a new plan,

For a self driving car or a van;

Nevada said sure,

If it’s really secure,

If it’s bad we will put out a ban.

 

Are they Siri-ous?


IBM, also known as Big Blue, will not let its employees talk to Apple’s “Siri” application on their 4S IPhones while at work.

The company is concerned about voice commands which are given to Siri. They think the commands may be  saved in the Siri/Apple system. IBM thinks their employees will unwittingly divulge IBM corporate secrets to Apple.

I think IBM should take a bite out of Apple, like Adam and Eve did in the Garden of Eden. (I know, it was a different kind of apple. Just go with this.)

Wait a minute. If IBM took a bite out of Apple, Big Blue would be thrown out of Computer Heaven. Then they would have to spend the rest of their days facing problems, law suits, falling stock prices, and lost profits.

But those things have already happened to Big Blue. Is there something else we don’t know about IBM?

Hmmm. 

Now people at work can’t use Siri,

It’s making the workers quite weary,

They work for Big Blue,

They’ve always been true,

But their bosses are making them teary.

Your “Horror”- scope for the week of June 24th, 2012


Love is in the air this week as the planets do some dirty orbiting with each other  in space.

Aries… Your moon has reached its zenith. You will costar in a movie with a gerbil and fall madly in love with it.

Taurus… Mars forgot Uranus’ birthday again this year. It could get nasty. Your partner will be happy when you dress up as a ferret for your upcoming anniversary.

Gemini…  Mercury is angry with Venus over who misplaced the high SPF sun blocker. Pack your bags. You will elope with an Armenian hairdresser.

Cancer… Earth is in opposition with the second moon of Neptune. Your desire to win over a wombat at the local zoo will meet with success.

Leo… The Earth’s moon, Luna is ecliptic at the moment. It’s time for a new relationship, but first take the tuna fish out of your pockets.

Virgo… The sun is on the cusp of Phobos, a moon of Mars. You will be so fascinated with a car wash attendant, you’ll want to know every detail of his life.

Libra… Jupiter is aligned with the Earth this week. You will discover the rewards of divorce when you date a dromedary.

Scorpio… Uranus will be attending an AA meeting this week. You will be bored by a boar in your bedroom. Bring plenty of DVDs and popcorn.

Sagittarius… Jupiter’s great red spot will be mistaken for a wart. You will fall in love with a Polish conscientious objector and move to Krakow.

Capricorn… Aries and Taurus are crossed at the moment. You will date a radical racoon.

Aquarius… Neptune is nearing its tenth house. Your date with a mad masseuse will leave you feeling tired and greasy.

Pisces…Pluto is equilateral with Neptune’s moon Despina. Your encounter with a milkman will turn sour. You will seek the advice of Dennis Miller.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictionsare all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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