Aries..Stop running on the beach in your bathing suit. The police are planning a Speedo trap.
Taurus…Get ready. Your Ex is taking you to small claims court to get back those toe nail clippings you’ve been hiding.
Gemini…Trust you chiropractor, his wise cracks are part of the job.
Cancer…When the new moon arrives, take a hint from the gorillas, knuckle down.
Leo…Your backers will back out when they realize your idea for a flatulence filter stinks.
Virgo…Stop dating that camel. She’s engaged to a dromedary with a bad temper.
Libra…Consider this a warning. A plague of locusts will swarm in your underwear.
Scorpio…Marry that acrobat if he proposes. You’ve always wanted to be a swinger.
Sagittarius…Don’t worry about the theft of your identity. With your credit history, the joke will be on them.
Capricorn…Take those skeletons out of your closet. You will be evicted soon.
Aquarius…Take it easy. You are spending too much of your valuable time stopping your TIVO to read all those fine print disclaimers at the bottom of your screen during commercials.
Pisces…Get rid of those zits which have formed the constellations of the night sky. Your Astronomy Club members will appreciate it.
Remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, Your Horoscope For Today:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”