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Your HORRORSCOPE for the Week of April 1st, 2012
Aries… Relax. Your friends and family don’t know you’re sleeping with a veal cutlet.
Taurus… Chin up. Your Neptune in Aries says you’ll have an exciting evening with a set of twins as you discuss Proust with them.
Gemini… Your fame will increase triple fold when you announce opening chess gambits in your neighbor’s underwear.
Cancer… Someone in a gorilla suit will steal your egg salad recipe.
Leo… Hold on to your undies. A big wind is coming your way
Virgo… Relax. There’s no monster under your bed. He’s now hiding in the closet.
Libra… Mercury will be in retrograde soon. Be ready for an influx of insurance salesmen in your neighborhood next Saturday AM.
Scorpio… Your sun sign is on the cusp. Use liberal amounts of hand sanitizer on, you know where. That should clear up, you know what.
Sagittarius… Watch out for planetary transits. The transit workers are about to go on strike demanding free daily Horrorscopes.
Capricorn… Soon your health will be in jeopardy, or maybe LINGO, but definitely on The Game Show Network.
Aquarius… You may have a detached retina now, but soon it will warm up to you.
Pisces…A stranger wearing only lasagna will ask you for a date.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
Your Horrorscope for the week of March 26, 2012
Aries… You will find love, but it will never pick up a check while dining with you.
Taurus…Brain Teasers will mock you unceasingly this week.
Gemini… Be sure to follow Dr. Oz’s prescriptions to the letter. It could lead you to the Ruby Slippers.
Cancer… If Venus crosses Mars, you shouldn’t walk in another person’s shoes until you first check the soles. Who knows where they’ve been.
Leo… Refer all decisions to your proctologist this week due to a New Moon in your under wear.
Virgo… Before you mix and match your outfit for tomorrow’s important business meeting, be sure to wear those shorts with the red hearts.
Libra… When the moon is in the seventh house, watch for real estate values to drop.
Scorpio… Cosmic Law says Pices should not be intimate with clams next Thursday.
Capricorn… Watch out where you sit today. The sun’s juxtaposition with Saturn indicates suppositories will definitely enter your life.
Aquarius… Don’t bother to search your soul for your destiny. It’s hiding in your closet under that pile of trash bags you haven’t thrown out.
Pisces…Your Venus is in Taurus. And you thought it just went to the drug store for some Kold-EEEZ.
Your Weekly Horrorscope for Week beginning: March 18, 2012*
Aries… The world at large will soon discover you wear months of the year underwear.
Taurus… You will closely follow your Sun Sign, so be sure to wear a high numbered SPF cream.
Gemini…Run! Hide! Your local loan shark just got your new address after you posted it on Facebook.
Cancer… Stay close to the restrooms. That chocolate candy bar you stole from a co-worker’s lunch bag was laced with a potent laxative.
Leo …Heads up. Someone wants to slap you in your Facebook.
Virgo… Your desire to be chauffeured around will be fulfilled when you ride in the back of a police car.
Libra… Ready for a life changing event? You better be. Your karma will run of gas the day you leave your wallet at home.
Scorpio… Your local entomologist is going to bug you.
Sagittarius… It’s in the stars. The patent application for your toe jam processing machine will be denied.
Capricorn… Buy lots of tissues. The moon in Pices has the flu. Its lunar nodes will be running all night.
Aquarius… Your cusp with Virgo indicates if you add insult to injury you should be ready for a hefty sales tax.
Pisces….You will have a great following in life, (mostly from felines) until you take the fish out of your pants.
*Remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, Your Horoscope For Today:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
Humorous Interludes by Ron Yarosh 
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