Aries… Your ruling planet, Mars is facing an uprising from the serfs. You will find yourself very uncomfortable after your laundry comes back with too much starch.
Taurus… Venus thinks Scorpio cheated in a game of Go fish. You will soon wake up with a feeling of dread when you discover you’ve become a pound of camembert cheese.
Gemini… A Mutable Mercury is quite clear now. You have permission to frolic in creamed corn with Dennis Miller.
Cancer… Your Zodiac sign has been defaced with graffiti. Rubbing butter on your aardvark will help you both to cope with life’s problems.
Leo… Aquarius is co-tangent to your ruling sun. Consult with a mathematician on this one. It forecasts stochastics in your life.
Scorpio… Taurus is in conjunction with Mars. Take that dead herring out of your glove compartment.
Virgo… There is a negative polarity with Pices now. Once again it’s time to spread strawberry preserves on your jowls.
Libra… Aries is in the seventh house for a Tupperware party. You will be arrested for illegal possession of an anchovy.
Sagittarius…Jupiter is opposite Neptune on your chart. A Congressman will accuse your spleen of treason.
Capricorn… Saturn and Venus are at odds again. You better polish your forehead with Turtle Wax to avoid the fallout.
Aquarius…Uranus and Saturn are both in the seventh house. You will soon find yourself locked in a Sponge Bob lunchbox.
Pisces… Neptune and Jupiter are plotting against you. Quick! Attend a costume party dressed as an eel.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would haveto be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”