Aries… Neptune is slowly rising after an all-nighter. A chuckling chipmunk will nip you on your neck while you sit on a park bench.
Taurus… Saturn wants to give a ring to Uranus. A cocky cockroach will offer a crooked smile from your cereal bowl this week.
Gemini… Mars is in retrograde again. Buy lots of facial tissues. Soon you will be stalked by a town crier in his pajamas.
Cancer…. Your ruling celestial body, the moon, wants to abdicate. Stay away from mahjong tiles and Dennis Miller this week.
Leo… Pluto is suing over being demoted from planet status. Get ready for some fun, if you like porcupines in bed with you.
Virgo… Earth is in trine with the moon. It’s time to throw out that leftover egg salad sandwich under your couch cushions.
Libra… Mercury is taking a week off and phoned in its prediction. You will continuously pirouette while looking for your nemesis.
Scorpio…Saturn is in opposition to Mars. Time to take those marshmallows out of your ears.
Sagittarius… A new moon in conjunction with Saturn indicates you should cooperate with your enemies. After all, they are your parents.
Capricorn…Venus is dominant right now. Your encounter with a milkman will turn sour.
Aquarius… Uranus is about to go in transit with Mercury. Stop playing dumb. There is no need for it. Everyone knows your SAT scores.
Pisces…Pices is heading south for the winter. Heed this warning. If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you teach him how to fish, he’ll probably lose your favorite lure.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”