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Your “Horror”- scope for the week of July 1st, 2012


Aries… Neptune is slowly rising after an all-nighter. A chuckling chipmunk will nip you on your neck while you sit on a park bench.

Taurus… Saturn wants to give a ring to Uranus. A cocky cockroach will offer a crooked smile from your cereal bowl this week.

Gemini… Mars is in retrograde again. Buy lots of facial tissues. Soon you will be stalked by a town crier in his pajamas.

Cancer…. Your ruling celestial body, the moon, wants to abdicate. Stay away from mahjong tiles and Dennis Miller this week.

Leo… Pluto is suing over being demoted from planet status. Get ready for some fun, if you like porcupines in bed with you.

Virgo… Earth is in trine with the moon. It’s time to throw out that leftover egg salad sandwich under your couch cushions.

Libra… Mercury is taking a week off and phoned in its prediction. You will continuously pirouette while looking for your nemesis.

Scorpio…Saturn is in opposition to Mars. Time to take those marshmallows out of your ears.

Sagittarius… A new moon in conjunction with Saturn indicates you should cooperate with your enemies. After all, they are your parents.

Capricorn…Venus is dominant right now. Your encounter with a milkman will turn sour.

Aquarius… Uranus is about to go in transit with Mercury. Stop playing dumb. There is no need for it. Everyone knows your SAT scores.

Pisces…Pices is heading south for the winter. Heed this warning. If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you teach him how to fish, he’ll probably lose your favorite lure.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Category:

Astrology, Astronomy, Developments, horoscope, Humor, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, News, Observations, Planets, problelms

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Your “Horror”- scope for the week of June 24th, 2012


Love is in the air this week as the planets do some dirty orbiting with each other  in space.

Aries… Your moon has reached its zenith. You will co–star in a movie with a gerbil and fall madly in love with it.

Taurus… Mars forgot Uranus’ birthday again this year. It could get nasty. Your partner will be happy when you dress up as a ferret for your upcoming anniversary.

Gemini…  Mercury is angry with Venus over who misplaced the high SPF sun blocker. Pack your bags. You will elope with an Armenian hairdresser.

Cancer… Earth is in opposition with the second moon of Neptune. Your desire to win over a wombat at the local zoo will meet with success.

Leo… The Earth’s moon, Luna is ecliptic at the moment. It’s time for a new relationship, but first take the tuna fish out of your pockets.

Virgo… The sun is on the cusp of Phobos, a moon of Mars. You will be so fascinated with a car wash attendant, you’ll want to know every detail of his life.

Libra… Jupiter is aligned with the Earth this week. You will discover the rewards of divorce when you date a dromedary.

Scorpio… Uranus will be attending an AA meeting this week. You will be bored by a boar in your bedroom. Bring plenty of DVDs and popcorn.

Sagittarius… Jupiter’s great red spot will be mistaken for a wart. You will fall in love with a Polish conscientious objector and move to Krakow.

Capricorn… Aries and Taurus are crossed at the moment. You will date a radical racoon.

Aquarius… Neptune is nearing its tenth house. Your date with a mad masseuse will leave you feeling tired and greasy.

Pisces…Pluto is equilateral with Neptune’s moon Despina. Your encounter with a milkman will turn sour. You will seek the advice of Dennis Miller.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictionsare all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Advice, Astrology, horoscope, Humor, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, Observations, Planets, Predictions

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Your “Horror”-scope for the week of June 10th, 2012


Aries… Mercury is in trine with Venus. Your arches will sue you for non support.

Taurus… You will laugh uncontrollably when someone whispers the word “uggums” in your ear.

Gemini…  Mercury, Venus, and Neptune form a perfect triangle. You will lose millions on your idea for feeding chickens food coloring just before Easter so they’d lay colored eggs.

Cancer… Jupiter is now misaligned with Mars. You will awaken to find yourself in a Rock quarry with Steven Tyler.

Leo… Neptune is rising near its cusp with Mercury. You will be arrested for illegal possession of a wart.

Virgo… The celestial sphere is angry with you over that twenty dollars you borrowed? Quick! Get to the nearest ATM.

Libra… Your moon is in conjunction with Earth. You will be attracted to someone’s large, hairy underarms which are home for a tribe of garden gnomes.

Scorpio… The rings of Saturn are leaving are leaving a green stain in space. You will be arrested for illegal possession of a wart.

Sagittarius… Mars reveals that your future is unfavorable now. Hide under you bed clutching a large wombat dressed in Dennis Miller’s underwear.

Capricorn… A full moon in Virgo indicates you will date a man in a gorilla suit. Be sure to bring lots of bananas.

Aquarius… Mars will be in conjunction with the moon soon, check for scorpions in your couch cushions.

Pisces…Neptune is ascending, be sure to soak your head in the salad dressing of your choice.

And… remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Advice, Astrology, horoscope, Humor, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, Observations, Planets, Predictions, The future

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Venus skirts the sun.


Yesterday, Venus travelled between the Earth and the Sun. It was a wonderful and rare thing to see. It won’t happen again Until 2117. I hope we are all around to see it then. Put it in your day planner just in case.

 

Hmmm.

We watched the crossing of Venus,

There’s a lot of distance between us;

It went past our star,

How happy we are,

I wonder if Venus has seen us.

Category:

Astronomy, News, Observations, Planets, Science, The Sun, Venus

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Your “Horror”-scope for the week of May 27th, 2012


Aries… Mars was in transit with the moon, but was thrown off the bus for being rowdy. You will be locked in a dungeon with an insurance salesman for an entire weekend.

Taurus…Venus is aligned with the opposition over Congressional Redistricting. A pot bellied pig will leave cracker crumbs in your bed.

Gemini…  The Twins in your sign are feuding again over who was born first. Your plans for converting New Schwanstein Castle into a theme park ride will fail.

Cancer… The crab is misaligned with Jupiter’s moon. Your enemies are on to you. To throw them off track, you must bathe in a vat of sangria with Dennis Miller.

Leo… Aquarius is leaving its fourth house and will miss its neighbors. Stop seeing that hypnotist. The ostrich eggs you’ve been sitting on will never hatch.

Virgo… The sun is trine with Neptune. You will be thrown out of a movie theater for petting a wedge of provolone cheese.

Libra…Saturn is in legal trouble with Mercury over a missing ring. A Steam Punker will steal your identity for immoral purposes.

Scorpio… Mars is in line with Neptune for a showing of My Fair Lady. Be extra careful now. You are being stalked by an aardvark.

Sagittarius…Your ruling planet, Jupiter is in its ninth house. To be safe this week, you must use the word “jowls” in every sentence spoken.

Capricorn… Saturn is in opposition to Cancer over a game of hopscotch. You will find yourself absentmindedly fondling Crenshaw melons at a local super market.

Aquarius… Uranus and Saturn are in sync. Have dinner in your underwear with a gerbil.

Pisces…Neptune now rules the seventh house with an iron fist. You must buy someone’s appendix as soon as possible.

 

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Category:

Advice, Astrology, horoscope, Humor, Laughs, Lifestyles, Planets, Predictions, Recommendations, Steam punk, The future

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Your “Horror”-scope for the week of May 20th, 2012


Aries… Your ruling planet, Mars is facing an uprising from the serfs. You will find yourself very uncomfortable after your laundry comes back with too much starch.

Taurus… Venus thinks Scorpio cheated in a game of Go fish. You will soon wake up with a feeling of dread when you discover you’ve become a pound of camembert cheese.

Gemini… A Mutable Mercury is quite clear now. You have permission to frolic in creamed corn with Dennis Miller.

Cancer… Your Zodiac sign has been defaced with graffiti. Rubbing butter on your aardvark will help you both to cope with life’s problems.

Leo… Aquarius is co-tangent to your ruling sun. Consult with a mathematician on this one. It forecasts stochastics in your life.

Scorpio… Taurus is in conjunction with Mars. Take that dead herring out of your glove compartment.

Virgo… There is a negative polarity with Pices now. Once again it’s time to spread strawberry preserves on your jowls.

Libra… Aries is in the seventh house for a Tupperware party. You will be arrested for illegal possession of an anchovy.

Sagittarius…Jupiter is opposite Neptune on your chart. A Congressman will accuse your spleen of treason.

Capricorn… Saturn and Venus are at odds again. You better polish your forehead with Turtle Wax to avoid the fallout.

Aquarius…Uranus and Saturn are both in the seventh house.  You will soon find yourself locked in a Sponge Bob lunchbox.

Pisces… Neptune and Jupiter are plotting against you. Quick! Attend a costume party dressed as an eel.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would haveto be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Advice, animals, Astrology, Body Parts, Developments, Health, horoscope, Humor, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, New Trends, News, news, Observations, Planets, Politics, Predictions, problelms, Recommendations, Relationships, Signs, Space, surprise, The future

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Your “Horror”-scope for the week of May 13th, 2012


Aries… Venus is upset with Mars because he hasn’t called her after their first date. Don’t make any long range plans until they make up. Stayed tuned.

Taurus… Uranus is in trine with your rubber ducky. That indicates luck. For instance, you won’t be home when that semi plows into your residence.

Gemini… Mercury is rising fast. Just hope it doesn’t get light headed. Your astrology chart indicates, “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.”

Cancer… Your moon is in its fourth house. It’s hiding from bill collectors. Your BFF will appreciate the gift card you gave her until she discovers it’s expired.

Leo… Aquarius is blocking the sun indicating a current medical condition. Don’t panic! We checked with the Ouija board. They’re just saddle sores.

Virgo… Mercury is now mutable. How nice. You will be stalked by a Smartphone app.

Libra… Keep plenty of cash on hand. Your moon in Virgo says a man dressed in a coyote costume will ask you to break a twenty at the start of your shift.

Scorpio… Mars is traversing Jupiter’s front yard and he’s not happy about it. Under no circumstances should you go fishing with jail bait.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is mutable now. Venus’ house is in foreclosure. Stay away from Blue-Footed Boobies.

Capricorn… Your symbol is the goat. Your moon is in the tenth house doing minor renovations in the kitchen. If you really want to make tomorrow’s headlines, go ahead and marry that hamster you’ve been dating.

Aquarius… Your ruling planets, Uranus and Saturn are practical jokesters. You will embarrass yourself this week when you fall face down onto a porcupine.

Pisces…Neptune and Jupiter are mutable now. Your urge to frolic at the beach will end in disaster when you slip on an oily fat man sunbathing. BTW, don’t ask for his autograph.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Category:

Advice, Apps, Astrology, counseling, horoscope, Humor, jokes, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, News, Observations, Phones, Planets, Predictions, problelms, Recommendations, Relationships, Signs, surprise, Suspense, The future

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