Coca-Cola Introduces New 30-Liter Size
The Coca-Cola Corporation held a press conference yesterday to announce that its soft drinks will soon be available exclusively in 30-liter plastic bottles. According to company spokespeople, Coke’s decision to sell its product in what many consider to be overly large containers is not based on a specific study or survey of consumer demands, but rather on the company’s desire to make a resounding display of its corporate might.
Several major soft-drink companies attempted to improve on the standard two-liter size bottle by introducing a three-liter size in 1985, but the new size failed because of difficulties with storage and carbonation loss.
“The three-liter didn’t fail because it was too big, but because it was not big enough,” Coca-Cola CEO Vic Hertner said. “With our new 30-liter size, that won’t be a problem. Two liters is nothing. I could urinate two liters for you right now. But 30 liters? That’s untouchable.”
The new plastic bottle is nearly four feet tall, and weighs 274 pounds when filled with Coke. In development tests, it took an average of three men to lift the new bottle. The product will fit in an average refrigerator, but only when all other products and shelving have been removed. Most inconvenient of all, the new Coke will go flat if not drunk within 17 minutes, even if it is promptly recapped. The Coca-Cola Corporation does not see these factors as drawbacks.
“By requiring three men to lift the bottle, our new product will encourage a sense of community,” Hertner said. “The popular image of the lonely soda drinker wasting his life away in solitude will no longer be relevant, because anyone wanting to drink the new Coke will need two buddies to get the soda home, and at least 10 buddies to drink it all. The quick loss of carbonation might lead to tiny problems, but what are people going to do? Stop drinking Coke? I think not.”
Sociologists see Coke’s plan to manufacture the 30-liter bottle as the logical next step. “It makes sense,” Stanford Professor Edmund Tillerton said. “Americans like big things. Big sky, big cars, big stereo speakers, big dicks and big TV sets. It would follow that we would like big bottles of Coke. We like things to be larger than life, and that’s what the new Coke size is.”
Coke stressed that the new 30-liter bottle would not be merely a new size option, but will soon be the only size option. “We’re phasing out the smaller cans and bottles, as well as two-liter sizes,” Hertner said. “We’re confident that people will take to the new 30-liter size. Besides, they won’t have a choice. We own Minute Maid as well. Soon, all orange juice will only be available in 30-liter sizes. Fruitopia as well. We will buy controlling stock in every beverage company and force them to follow suit. We are very confident. Did I mention that we own a small nation? If the people of this country don’t like the newly sized product, we’ll simply declare war. We will bury you.”
Consumers are eager to sample the new size. “I like Coke a lot, so it would follow that I would like a lot of Coke,” Linda Jillerman of Cincinnati said. “For the last 13 years, I’ve been working on a mechanism to funnel Coke into larger containers. I had to quit my job to do this, but it was worth it. Now, with the new size, Coke does all the work! I’ll be able to get my old job back!”
The new size is ready for the public, and the public is ready for it. After considering “Coka-Munga” and “The Shitload,” executives settled on “Family Size” as the product’s official name.
An extensive promotional campaign for the new size is also in the works. The Coca-Cola company is considering exhuming the corpse of wrestling legend Andre The Giant for use as the product’s spokesman. If Andre is chosen, Coca-Cola will reanimate him in the same laboratories where the Coca-Cola head executives were cloned. “Ve velcome zees challenge,” head scientist Günther Brauerhauer said.
Found @ http://www.theonion.com/articles/cocacola-introduces-new-30liter-size,1696/
A thirty-liter coke is a lot,
But Coke is taking a shot,
That many of them will be bought,
And even more will be sought.
It’s a rather gigantic size,
Is buying it considered wise?
Is it something you’d want to try?
The question of size herein lies.
It takes three persons to carry,
When opened you shouldn’t tarry,
It fizzles out in a hurry,
Time’s short so you better scurry.
It will take a lot of folks,
To drink this gigantic coke,
Will buying it make you go broke?
Is Coke merely making a joke?
It may be Coke’s only container,
Making HUGE a real no brainer,
Can Coke make it any plainer,
It wants a HUGE profit gainer.
Coke wants a HUGE spokesman who’s dead,
It’s something that makes me feel dread,
Can’t they use a live person instead?
Why use someone who might lose their head?
© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved
Burger King Broadens Breakfast
TOKYO, May 1 (UPI) –
The fast food breakfast war in Japan is in full effect and Burger King has decided to enter the fray with a new offering — a SPAM and cheese burger.
BK Japan’s SPAM & Cheese, which comes on a whole-wheat bun with usual burger fixings like pickles, mayo and lettuce, is priced at $3.42 and comes with a coffee or juice.
Other new breakfast items at BK Japan include a BK Hot Dog with ketchup and mustard, a Bolognese Burger with tomato sauce or a BLT Burger.
This is apparently not the first time that BK Japan has chosen to put SPAM on its menu.
The chain also debuted a line of mini SPAM sliders in June 2011 that were marketed towards Japanese women with the slogan, “What women want, what women get.”
The Huffington Post reported that Burger King’s Hawaiian locations started selling a SPAM Platter — which featured two slices of the canned meat with white rice and scrambled eggs — in 2007.
Read more @: http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2014/05/01/Burger-King-introduces-SPAM-and-cheese-burger-in-Japan-for-breakfast/7611398966149/#ixzz30V9zh85B
BK is serving SPAM and cheese,
They’re hoping that it will soon please,
The breakfast hungry Japanese,
Selling it should be a real breeze.
They’re putting it on a wheat bun,
They’re hoping that it won’t be shunned,
When the breakfast day is all done,
In the land of the rising sun.
They tried SPAM on other isles,
They sure got a lot of smiles,
In their new Hawaiian trials,
The data’s in their files.
Now, will a BK one day,
Serve SPAM in the USA?
Will we see it on display?
It could be a daring play.
SPAM’s served with most anything,
Just plain or with lots of bling,
It could be the new dining thing,
That would make BK registers ring.
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved
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