Finding The Humor In Life|A Place for Laughs|Poetry|Humorous Stories…

Archive for the ‘poetry’ Category

Matron Mulls Mortality


 

 

old lady

Senior Citizen Keeps Mind Active By Contemplating Death

PORTLAND, ME—

In an effort to remain mentally sharp well into her golden years, local senior citizen Evelyn Gordon, 86, told reporters Thursday she keeps her mind active by regularly contemplating her rapidly approaching death.

“For just a few minutes every day, I really try to focus in and challenge my brain by thinking about all the different ways I might die in the next few years,” said Gordon, who attempts to improve cognitive function by performing mental exercises whenever she has downtime, such as calculating the number of days she has left on earth or carefully visualizing friends and family paying their respects at her funeral.

“Then, before bed, I like to give my memory a nice workout by recalling all of the close friends and loved ones who have already passed away, and how that could realistically happen to me any day now. Of course, mostly I keep my mind sharp by concentrating on what it means to vanish into nothingness and be utterly forgotten. It really helps keep me alert.”

Gordon added that she has also taken to learning something new every day about the neurodegenerative diseases that will quite possibly claim her mind sometime soon.

Found@ http://www.theonion.com/articles/senior-citizen-keeps-mind-active-by-contemplating,38311/

 Hmmm…

Evelyn contemplates death,

Taking her last living breath;

When is her last day?

Could it be today?

It seems to have shades of Macbeth.

 

She thinks of the ways she could die,

And the people who would surely cry;

She thinks of folks gone,

Those who have moved on,

She doesn’t look back and ask why.

 

She does it for mental agility,

She hopes it will help her abilities;

She thinks about dying,

Without any crying,

Death has its own grave futility.

 

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Scared Swans Separating?


700.hq

 

 

Study Finds Swans Only Other Animals Who Mate For Few Years, Get Scared, End Things, Then Regret It

 

ATHENS, GA—

Revealing how closely the waterfowl’s social behavior resembles that of humans, a study released Thursday by the University of Georgia has found that swans are the only other members of the animal kingdom that mate for a few years, get scared, decide to end things, and are later filled with immense regret.

“Although most animals either procreate freely or select a single partner with which to mate for life, we observed that swans, like humans, get freaked out about their relationship after an extended period of time together, abruptly call things off, and then come to realize they made a huge mistake,” avian biologist Michael Brooks told reporters, noting that both humans and swans typically grow increasingly dissatisfied with their romantic partner following a particularly monotonous period of feeding and nesting before panicking and concluding that they’re just not ready to settle down.

“While a swan that separates from its partner will inevitably determine that this impulsive decision was foolish, by the time the bird comes to this realization, its former companion has already met someone new and is very, very happy.”

Researchers also noted that only humans and swans enter a painful spiral of regret over their lost relationship and then compulsively mate with several partners in a futile effort to recapture what they once had.

Found @   http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-finds-swans-only-other-animals-who-mate-for,38198/

Hmmm…

Swans not staying together?

They’re not mating forever?

One leaves the nest,

Perhaps due to stress,

Their relationship is severed.

 

A recent swan study has found,

They’re not ready to settle down,

They are dissatisfied,

With what they have tired,

Do they leave not making a sound?

 

Later the swans have regrets,

Does that also apply to Egrets?

When they depart,

Does it break their hearts?

Is it something they cannot forget?

 

Or, is this study a fake?

If so, please give me a break,

In so many words,

We’re not like those birds,

We don’t swim and live in a lake.

 

It’s true couples do split,

When their life styles don’t fit,

But that’s not to say,

It is the swan’s way,

That’s something you’ll have to admit.

 

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Woman Walks Wire


Woman wire 2

woman walking wire

Here is a photo of Faith Dickey of Austin, Texas (USA), walking the wire during the Women’s Highline Meeting in the Czech Republic.

As you can see, she’s wearing high-heeled shoes.

And, she’s walking on the wire in the rain.

Found @:   http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/picturegalleries/picturesoftheday/11324996/Pictures-of-the-day-5-January-2015.html?frame=3154089

And : http://www.catersnews.com/stories/amazing/talk-about-living-the-high-life-woman-fearlessly-tackles-highline-wearing-heels/

Hmmm…

Walking a wire in the rain,

The woman could not be restrained,

It has been revealed,

She did it in heels,

Her balance was surely sustained.

 

Faith carefully managed her fear,

While the ground wasn’t so near,

She survived her walk,

Faith does walk the talk,

The crowd reacted with cheers.

 

She is the first of her kind,

There’s no one else we could find,

Who wore her high heels,

While walking on steel,

Courage has been redefined.

 

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Cat Catastrophe Case Closed


CAT Lost

Cat That Was Accidentally Sold With Mattress Gets Back Home

PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) — Camo is hiding no longer.

The Oregon cat accidentally sold with a mattress set is home after 10 days on his own.

Roy Dufek wrote in a statement that his girlfriend, Hayley Crews, caught Camo in a trap Saturday night after he was reportedly seen near the Hillsboro Airport west of Portland. The trap was baited with sardines in oil and familiar scented clothing.

People across the Portland area and beyond had been on the lookout for Camo after his unusual disappearance got national attention.

Dufek sold his girlfriend’s mattress set Dec. 17 without realizing the cat was likely in a favorite hiding spot: the box spring.

Unable to find Camo at the mattress buyer’s home, Dufek took to social media for help tracking down the 5-year-old cat that likely scurried out of the box spring when the buyer, who lives near the airport, took it off the car roof.

Dufek wrote that Camo was 2 pounds lighter after 10 days outside, and had a cut lip, broken nails and a bleeding paw. On Sunday, Camo was examined by a veterinarian and given a bath by Crews.

“We can’t even imagine what he’s been through in a week and (a) half running wild near the countryside, especially in this weather,” Dufek wrote.

The couple thanked everyone for their help, saying it’s great to know friends and strangers had their back in time of need.

“We can’t ever repay or say thank you enough to all the people that spent their cherished holiday time, and resources to help us bring Camo home,” Dufek wrote Sunday. “It was quite emotional last night, we’re in shock of this whole experience, and have been holding him tight!”

Found @ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/12/29/cat-sold-mattress_n_6392298.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news

Hmmm…

A cat was lost in a bed,

At least that’s what has been said,

A bed set was sold,

With the five year old,

Camo immediately fled.

 

He was out ten days on his own,

Hungry and lost all alone,

He made it all right,

Through days and at night,

In places that weren’t well known.

 

They caught him with sardines as bait,

They didn’t have too long to wait,

He entered the trap,

It closed with a snap,

The cat looked like he lost some weight.

 

Camo was checked out by a Vet.,

That is as good as it gets,

Then he went home,

No more will he roam,

That wonderful special cat pet. 

 

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Perfect Partners Parting


couple

Study: Marriages Between Perfectly Matched Couples Should Still Only Last About 15 Years

ORLANDO, FL—

In a new study released Friday that challenges contemporary notions of marital satisfaction, researchers at the University of Central Florida found that unions even between perfectly matched couples should only last around 15 years.

“Contrary to the traditional idea of ‘until death do us part,’ our findings indicate that partners compatible in every way should nevertheless be married no longer than a decade and a half,” said lead researcher Dr. Hank Grossman, adding that the physical and emotional intimacy of marriage is “more or less fully depleted” by the 15-year mark, even among two people who could not have found a better fit than each other.

“The data suggests that the most personally fulfilled, satisfied couples—those who consider their partner their soul mate—choose to part ways before codependency or feelings of entrapment emerge. It’s fair to say that any marriage lasting more than 15 years is almost certainly a product of serious dysfunction.”

Grossman added that 15 years was the uppermost limit, and that two people who were truly meant to be together may exhaust their relationship in half that time.

Found @ http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-marriages-between-perfectly-matched-couples,37215/

Hmmm…

Divorce after fifteen years,

Could bring most couples to tears,

When they realize their fears,

That they’re like all their peers.

 

Even with the best soul mate,

Found on their first blind date,

A breakup will be their fate,

A marriage they won’t reinstate.

 

A study made it clear,

The results are quite severe,

It’s nothing to be cheered,

Their love will disappear.

 

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Big-Bigger-Best?


Coca Cola Lrg

Coca-Cola Introduces New 30-Liter Size

 ATLANTA—

The Coca-Cola Corporation held a press conference yesterday to announce that its soft drinks will soon be available exclusively in 30-liter plastic bottles. According to company spokespeople, Coke’s decision to sell its product in what many consider to be overly large containers is not based on a specific study or survey of consumer demands, but rather on the company’s desire to make a resounding display of its corporate might.

Several major soft-drink companies attempted to improve on the standard two-liter size bottle by introducing a three-liter size in 1985, but the new size failed because of difficulties with storage and carbonation loss.

“The three-liter didn’t fail because it was too big, but because it was not big enough,” Coca-Cola CEO Vic Hertner said. “With our new 30-liter size, that won’t be a problem. Two liters is nothing. I could urinate two liters for you right now. But 30 liters? That’s untouchable.”

The new plastic bottle is nearly four feet tall, and weighs 274 pounds when filled with Coke. In development tests, it took an average of three men to lift the new bottle. The product will fit in an average refrigerator, but only when all other products and shelving have been removed. Most inconvenient of all, the new Coke will go flat if not drunk within 17 minutes, even if it is promptly recapped. The Coca-Cola Corporation does not see these factors as drawbacks.

“By requiring three men to lift the bottle, our new product will encourage a sense of community,” Hertner said. “The popular image of the lonely soda drinker wasting his life away in solitude will no longer be relevant, because anyone wanting to drink the new Coke will need two buddies to get the soda home, and at least 10 buddies to drink it all. The quick loss of carbonation might lead to tiny problems, but what are people going to do? Stop drinking Coke? I think not.”

Sociologists see Coke’s plan to manufacture the 30-liter bottle as the logical next step. “It makes sense,” Stanford Professor Edmund Tillerton said. “Americans like big things. Big sky, big cars, big stereo speakers, big dicks and big TV sets. It would follow that we would like big bottles of Coke. We like things to be larger than life, and that’s what the new Coke size is.”

Coke stressed that the new 30-liter bottle would not be merely a new size option, but will soon be the only size option. “We’re phasing out the smaller cans and bottles, as well as two-liter sizes,” Hertner said. “We’re confident that people will take to the new 30-liter size. Besides, they won’t have a choice. We own Minute Maid as well. Soon, all orange juice will only be available in 30-liter sizes. Fruitopia as well. We will buy controlling stock in every beverage company and force them to follow suit. We are very confident. Did I mention that we own a small nation? If the people of this country don’t like the newly sized product, we’ll simply declare war. We will bury you.”

Consumers are eager to sample the new size. “I like Coke a lot, so it would follow that I would like a lot of Coke,” Linda Jillerman of Cincinnati said. “For the last 13 years, I’ve been working on a mechanism to funnel Coke into larger containers. I had to quit my job to do this, but it was worth it. Now, with the new size, Coke does all the work! I’ll be able to get my old job back!”

The new size is ready for the public, and the public is ready for it. After considering “Coka-Munga” and “The Shitload,” executives settled on “Family Size” as the product’s official name.

An extensive promotional campaign for the new size is also in the works. The Coca-Cola company is considering exhuming the corpse of wrestling legend Andre The Giant for use as the product’s spokesman. If Andre is chosen, Coca-Cola will reanimate him in the same laboratories where the Coca-Cola head executives were cloned. “Ve velcome zees challenge,” head scientist Günther Brauerhauer said.

Found @ http://www.theonion.com/articles/cocacola-introduces-new-30liter-size,1696/

 

Hmmm…

A thirty-liter coke is a lot,

But Coke is taking a shot,

That many of them will be bought,

And even more will be sought.

 

It’s a rather gigantic size,

Is buying it considered wise?

Is it something you’d want to try?

The question of size herein lies.

 

It takes three persons to carry,

When opened you shouldn’t tarry,

It fizzles out in a hurry,

Time’s short so you better scurry.

 

It will take a lot of folks,

To drink this gigantic coke,

Will buying it make you go broke?

Is Coke merely making a joke?

 

It may be Coke’s only container,

Making HUGE a real no brainer,

Can Coke make it any plainer,

It wants a HUGE profit gainer.

 

Coke wants a HUGE spokesman who’s dead,

It’s something that makes me feel dread,

Can’t they use a live person instead?

Why use someone who might lose their head?

 

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Burger King Broadens Breakfast


spam

TOKYO, May 1 (UPI) –

The fast food breakfast war in Japan is in full effect and Burger King has decided to enter the fray with a new offering — a SPAM and cheese burger.

BK Japan’s SPAM & Cheese, which comes on a whole-wheat bun with usual burger fixings like pickles, mayo and lettuce, is priced at $3.42 and comes with a coffee or juice.

Other new breakfast items at BK Japan include a BK Hot Dog with ketchup and mustard, a Bolognese Burger with tomato sauce or a BLT Burger.

This is apparently not the first time that BK Japan has chosen to put SPAM on its menu.

The chain also debuted a line of mini SPAM sliders in June 2011 that were marketed towards Japanese women with the slogan, “What women want, what women get.”

The Huffington Post reported that Burger King’s Hawaiian locations started selling a SPAM Platter — which featured two slices of the canned meat with white rice and scrambled eggs — in 2007.

Read more @: http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2014/05/01/Burger-King-introduces-SPAM-and-cheese-burger-in-Japan-for-breakfast/7611398966149/#ixzz30V9zh85B

Hmmm…

BK is serving SPAM and cheese,
They’re hoping that it will soon please,
The breakfast hungry Japanese,
Selling it should be a real breeze.

They’re putting it on a wheat bun,
They’re hoping that it won’t be shunned,
When the breakfast day is all done,
In the land of the rising sun.

They tried SPAM on other isles,
They sure got a lot of smiles,
In their new Hawaiian trials,
The data’s in their files.

Now, will a BK one day,
Serve SPAM in the USA?
Will we see it on display?
It could be a daring play.

SPAM’s served with most anything,
Just plain or with lots of bling,
It could be the new dining thing,
That would make BK registers ring.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Terrible Tweeting Tactic Tried


Tweeter

A Los Angeles man was arrested for allegedly offering to shoot someone for 100 retweets.

March. 14 (UPI) –

A Los Angeles man who allegedly offered to shoot someone in exchange for 100 re-tweets and then post the results on Twitter, was arrested when police were able to trace the account back to his home.

Dakkari Dijon McAnuff was arrested on Wednesday on suspicion of making criminal threats.

A tweet from the @StillDMC account, which has since been taken down, showed a picture of a rifle pointed down at a street accompanied by a caption reading, “100 [retweets] and I’ll shoot someone walking.”

When police arrived at the 20-year-old’s home, they discovered an air rifle.

He was being held on $50,000 bail and either posted it, or got access to the Internet in jail.

Read more:
http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2014/03/14/Los-Angeles-man-arrested-for-allegedly-offering-to-shoot-someone-for-100-retweets/5161394801386/#ixzz2vxD98Mem

Hmmm…

Man threatens others for re-tweets,
Cops got him later on their beat;
He wasn’t so nice,
Please take my advice,
It’s something he should never repeat.

Why shoot someone for recognition?
That’s really a psycho condition;
Be kind toward all folks,
Just smile; tell some jokes,
Engage in a little cognition.

He was caught for making some threats,
Would he do it is anyone’s bet;
He was holding a rifle,
And that is no trifle,
Now the guy is under arrest.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Spider Stash Surprising


BANANA_SPIDER2_2848268b family

Britain…

Family forced to flee home after deadly spiders found in bananas.

Father Jamie Roberts, 31, found hundreds of potentially deadly spiders in a bunch of bananas bought at the local shop.

A family was forced to flee their home and have it fumigated after hundreds of potentially deadly spiders were found in a bunch of bananas bought at the local shop.

Jamie Roberts, 31, spotted white patches of what he thought was mould covering the fruit. However, on closer inspection, he saw tiny legs and realised the bananas were hiding a nest of spiders.

He soon discovered the creatures had spread to other parts of his home.

Mr Roberts, a civil servant, said: "I knew something was wrong because then I noticed the white patches were all over the window sill and the curtains and I could see tiny legs and realised they were spiders.”

"At that point, I wasn't too concerned because I thought they looked dead. I was freaked out but I started to sweep the patches into the bin but then they all started moving.”

"It was like something out of a horror film because suddenly the window sill was moving with hundreds of these spiders."

The family called pest control and was told to immediately leave the house while it was fumigated.

Mr Roberts, his wife Crystal, 30, and their two children Georgina, seven, and five-year-old son Joshua, left their home in Hednesford, Staffordshire, on February 24.

The spiders have not been officially identified but the
family believe they could have been the world's most poisonous spider, the Brazilian wandering spider.

Guinness World Records lists the species as the most toxic spider on earth and its venom is said to be 30 times more powerful than that of a rattlesnake.

Humans bitten by one can suffer an irregular heartbeat, high blood pressure, vomiting and eventual death.

Mrs Roberts, who works for HMRC, bought the pack of bananas from the OneStop store near their home.

A OneStop Stores spokesman said an investigation was under way, adding it arranged for the family to stay in a hotel while the fumigation took place.

Found @ http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/10689098/Family-forced-to-flee-home-after-deadly-spiders-found-in-bananas.html

Hmmm…

They found some spiders in fruit,
Those critters sure weren't cute,
They wanted the spiders to scoot.
Cause in England they couldn't shoot,

First they thought it was mold,
Within the bananas folds,
They thought the fruit was too old,
But then why was it sold?

They said the spiders were awful,
And may even be harmful,
They knew they had to be careful,
So they were really prayerful.

They called in some fumigators,
Who are real spider haters,
The things will be cleaned up later,
And sent back to the equator.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Carl’s Causing Consternation


Carl's Jr

Vacationing Man Excited To Try Fast Food Franchise Not Found In Hometown

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—

Having driven to Virginia Beach to visit his sister for a brief vacation, fast food consumer and Pennsylvania native Don Turnbee expressed his interest Friday in eating at Carl’s Jr., a fast food chain not readily available in his hometown.

“I’ve seen commercials for it on TV, but there isn’t one where I live, so I haven’t tried it before,” Turnbee said of the establishment, which he said is supposed to be better than Sonic but not as good as Jack in the Box. “The closest one is five hours away, and I’m not going to drive that far just to eat there.”

“The one near my sister’s is pretty close, so that’s better,” Turnbee added. “It’s as far as the Burger King is from my house in Erie. So like a 10-minute drive.”

While Turnbee told reporters he is looking forward to trying the restaurant, he said he doesn’t quite know what to expect, adding that he’s unsure if Carl’s Jr. fries are “any good,” whether or not they do chicken nuggets or chicken tenders, or if it is the type of fast food restaurant that lets you fill up your own fountain drinks or if the “guy behind the counter does it for you.”

In addition, while he’s reportedly aware of the franchise’s signature sandwich, The Star Burger, he maintained that he doesn’t know if it “has any secret sauce or anything like that.”

“The food in the advertisements always looks pretty good,” said Turnbee, adding that along with ordering a double cheeseburger he’ll probably get a milkshake just to “see what they’re like there.” “I heard that they do something different with their hamburger buns, but I hope it’s not too different. I like buns when they have the seeds on them.”

Turnbee, who regularly patronizes the Wendy’s and Mr. Sub at the Buffalo Road Shopping Plaza in his town, said that while he’s eager to finally eat at Carl’s Jr., he hopes the dining experience will be better than when he tried White Castle for the first time during a trip to his mother-in-law’s.

“I had heard a lot about it because they do those small burgers, but I guess I like bigger burgers,” Turnbee said. “Carl’s Jr. I think will be better because they do normal-sized burgers. It looks like they have these spicy cheese fries, too, but I’m probably just going to get the regular ones.”

“If you go online, they let you build your own sandwich, but I don’t want to do that,” Turnbee continued. “I like ordering the regular way.”

Once again citing the proximity to his sister’s house, the 41-year-old confirmed that he would not rule out returning to the fast food franchise multiple times during his four-day visit should he enjoy the initial experience. The fast food consumer also said he would be willing to try breakfast there.

“I’m sure they have breakfast sandwiches, like sausage, egg, and cheese biscuits and stuff like that, but I don’t know what they do for hash browns,” Turnbee said. “I think they have burritos too, but I don’t like burritos for breakfast, even if they have eggs in them. Burritos are for lunch or dinner.”

Found @ http://www.theonion.com/articles/vacationing-man-excited-to-try-fast-food-franchise,34916/

Hmmm…

Carl’s Jr.’s on somebody’s mind,
There’s none near his home he can find;
He wants a new place,
In the fast food race,
The food may just help him unwind.

The man wants to try something new,
It’s something he thinks he should do;
He’s not sure just yet,
What he will soon get,
But it certainly wouldn’t be stew.

He’s unsure if they have hash browns,
Would they be the best ever found?
And will he take,
A yummy milk shake?
The choices do really abound.

He wonders if they have a sauce,
A secret one known by the boss;
To put on the meats,
That he would soon eat,
And do they serve Haagen Daz?

He’s not sure if he’ll get free drink refills,
That would sure be a sign of much goodwill;
He’ll know all that soon,
Eating lunch at high noon;
Free fill-ups would be kind to his food bill.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Tag Cloud

<span>%d</span> bloggers like this: