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Your HORROR – scope for the week of: Dec. 29th, 2013


We hope you and yours have had a happy holiday season thus far.

This is the last Horror-scope for the year 2013.

My staff and I feel that it might have been a rather horrible year for some of you.

Don’t fret. It isn’t your fault.

After all, the year did have a 13 in it.

Hopefully, 2014 will bring more “subdued” predictions.

However, the Celestial sphere seems to have a mind of its own.

Be ready for anything.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Earth is square with Aries at this time. You will become world famous for your reporting skills when you reveal that department store Santas are a result of a worldwide government cloning experiment that went wrong.

Taurus… Uranus is trine with Taurus at the moment. You will become rich and famous for your cook book called, “Cooking With Kettledrums”.

Gemini… Saturn is rising now. In the near future, you will become bemused while you are being used.

Cancer… The Moon is waning at this time and it’s sad. Please smile at it from time to time to cheer it up. You will soon be confronted by your frontal lobe.

Leo… Mars is in perigee at this time and is thrilled about it. You will be on your best behavior when a man called Xavier visits you.

Virgo… Mercury is trine with Virgo now. You will flounder and nearly drown in a stream of consciousness.

Libra… Venus is descending at the moment and is not happy about it. You will soon recreate with a reprobate. Could it be Dennis Miller?

Scorpio… Uranus is at its perigee at this time. You will soon encounter duplicity, electricity, and/or elasticity.

Sagittarius… Neptune is in its fourth house sulking, and we don’t know why. Be wary! You will discover something hairy and scary while riding a dromedary near Tucumcari.

Capricorn… Jupiter is in opposition to Capricorn at this time. Your lucky number is three. Your lucky item is a DVD. Your lucky insect is a bee. But, you will be very unlucky after watching something on TV.

Aquarius… The Sun is not experiencing any solar flares at this time, and it is very happy about that. Sorry, but soon, there will be no exceptions to your imperfections.

Pisces… Pluto is in its seventh house getting ready for a New Year’s Eve party. You will soon borrow a stack of old, blue, Melmac from someone named Jack who is addicted to crack.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

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Horror-scopes, Humor, Predictions

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Aug 26th, 2012


Aries… Mars is in its neighbor’s house. A potter is about to pop the question, “Do you want to buy this pot or what?”

Taurus…The moon is blue at this time. Just because it’s a pool table doesn’t mean you should place in a pool.

Gemini…Saturn is trine with Jupiter. Every time you see a policeman you will shout, “May the force be with you!”

Cancer… Neptune is on the cusp with Pluto. Your date with a horticulturist will turn bad when you get planted.

Leo… Mercury will be stationary this week. Bring a lot of change for the parking meter.

Virgo… Venus is out of phase now. You will find yourself discussing politics with a mannequin while sitting in a vat of hominy grits.

Libra… The Earth is a favorable place now. You will find true peace and harmony while bathing in a tub of granola with Dennis Miller.

Scorpio… The charts indicate good fortune for you. There is a pork pie hat in your future.

Sagittarius… Uranus and Saturn are fixed, and they don’t like it. You will soon be asked to appear on the new TV show, “Whisker Wars”.

Capricorn…The moon sextiles Saturn at this time. Liver and onions will be an obstacle to your romantic evening this week.

Aquarius… Venus is transiting Mars. Failure is not an option, but life will make an exception in your case.

Pisces…Uranus is in a new cycle now. Getting a tattoo is questionable, especially putting the word “Guacamole” on your forehead.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Astrology, Predictions

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Aug 12th, 2012


Aries… Mars is firm about this: Stay away from German cuisine this week. You will sneeze every time you hear someone say Braunschweiger, or Dennis Miller.

Taurus…The sun is in juxtaposition with itself. You will be safe this week. Your enemies will be giving enemas to each other.

Gemini…The stars have a warning for you. Your idea for a town constructed entirely of bras will fail. The city will eventually go bust.

Cancer… Mercury is flirting with a new comet. Living in the present is good, if the present itself is expensive. Think about it.

Leo… Neptune is out of tune this week. Live each day as though it has just twenty four hours.

Virgo… Pluto has suddenly gone wild, and it isn’t even Spring Break. Stop being negative about your photos. So what if you are over exposed.

Libra… The moon is in a blue mood now. You will foxtrot in a farce with a ferret.

Scorpio…Earth is in trine and on the cusp with Pluto. Your life will be as simple as an Escher drawing.

Sagittarius… Venus is on the wagon this week after a bad hangover. You will have the urge to talk dirty to a mud pie.

Capricorn… Uranus is suffering from hemorrhoids at the moment. Expect the unexpected this week. Who knows, it just might happen.

Aquarius…Mars is in its second house fixing a plumbing problem. You will do a jig with a gerbil in your pajamas.

Pisces… Saturn is square all around. Don’t play chicken with a freight train. You may get your feathers ruffled.

 And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Advice, Astrology, horoscope, Predictions

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of August 5th, 2012


The planets are aligned for the Olympic games. They show promise for some, and the agony of defeat for others.

Read on…

Aries… Mars is favorable for you now. You will win the gold in the volleyball swallowing event.

Taurus… Pluto is trine with Uranus. A bronze medal will be yours when you speed date with Polish wrestlers.

Gemini… The Earth is in its tenth house now. You will win the gold medal in the synchronized sneezing event.

Cancer… Venus is in its ninth house and trine with Pluto. You will not win a medal in the skunk sniffing event.

Leo… Saturn is on the cusp with Mars. You will be beaten out of a bronze medal in the grave digging event by a zombie from Zaire.

Virgo… Mercury is in high orbit now. You will win a gold medal in the individual sneaker tying event.

Libra… Uranus is square with the sun. You will win the Silver medal for mingling at a Dennis Miller event.

Scorpio… Earth is in opposition with Uranus. You will miss the bronze by a thousandth of a second in the rubber ducky bobbing event.

Sagittarius… Venus is in sync with Saturn. You will come in fourth in the cross country running event when you are beaten by a Chia pet.

Capricorn… Neptune is now trine with Mars and Venus. You will win the silver medal in the kayak kissing event.

Aquarius… Pluto is on the cusp with Uranus. You will win the gold for groveling.

Pisces…The moon likes you now. You will proudly wear a silver medal for your sterling performance in the medal polishing event.

 

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Astrology, Awards, Medals, Olympics, Predictions, Sports

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of July 29th, 2012


Aries… Venus is trine with German wine. Just because you are generous to a fault, that’s no reason to throw money down that hole.

Taurus… Mars and Mercury are square right now. Always seek the advice of your hairdresser. She can get to the root of all problems.

Gemini… Saturn is in its seventh house this week.  Here’s some good advice. When life gives you lemons, sell them to a produce market.

Cancer …The moon is in high orbit now. Relax. Enjoy yourself. Voodoo curses don’t last that long. Or do they?

Leo… Your sign is now mutable in its fourth house. Get your head out of the clouds. You might run into an Apple server.

Virgo… The sun is trine with Pluto. You may soon fall in love with a taxidermist who will try to mount you.

Libra… Neptune is square with Venus. You are going to have an open house event this week. The burglars will enjoy it.

Scorpio… Jupiter is aligned with Mercury. Here’s some sound advice. Don’t suck on a sparkler while it’s burning. Wait until it finishes.

Sagittarius… Uranus and Neptune are on the cusp of a big deal. You should know that your life is an open book. It’s got a few pages missing and some grape jelly on the dust jacket.

Capricorn… The conjunction of Venus and Jupiter foretells a future full of dancing waiters, or a chance meeting with Dennis Miller.

Aquarius… Mars is the ruler of Aires. Love is on the horizon. Look for it at the end of the rainbow. It will be under a Crenshaw melon rind.

Pisces…Good news, your mucus collection has been found. Go to Craig’s List for details.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Astrology, horoscopes, Humor, Predictions

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of July 29th, 2012


Aries… The moon is trine with the river Rhine. You will have the urge to use the word aardvark in every sentence you speak this week.

Taurus… The sun has crossed the elliptic of Uranus. You’d better increase that SPF rating to at least 95, or stand in Dennis Miller’s shadow.

Gemini… Neptune is trine with Earth this week. Be on the alert. Your enemies want to stuff you into an olive.

Cancer… Mars is square with Pluto now. Go already. Meet his parents. They say the undead can be a lot of fun once you get to know them.

Leo… Saturn is on the cusp of Venus. Your idea for ear wax sculpture will not receive a favorable hearing.

Virgo… Earth’s moon is waxing at an auto detailing shop.  Do not fear. We’re not egg-xaggerating when we say sleeping with free range chickens maybe relaxing.

Libra… Venus is trine with Mercury now. If life gets your down, follow the bats and hang in there.

Scorpio… Mercury is aligned with Mars.  If you really desire a private life, join the Army.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is mutable this week. You will have the uncontrollable urge to shout, “Jowls” before and after meals.

Capricorn… Pluto is in opposition to its cusp with Venus. Your plan for a computer date will go wrong when you’re hooked up with a Commodore VIC-20.

Aquarius… Uranus and Saturn are in conjunction at this moment. Stop all tweeting. You’re confusing the neighborhood birds.

Pisces… The planets say you are wise, gentle and, musical. But your IQ is slightly under that of a rubber ducky.

 

And… remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Advice, horoscopes, Humor, jokes, Laughs, Lifestyles, Observations, Predictions

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Your “Horror”- scope for the week of June 24th, 2012


Love is in the air this week as the planets do some dirty orbiting with each other  in space.

Aries… Your moon has reached its zenith. You will co–star in a movie with a gerbil and fall madly in love with it.

Taurus… Mars forgot Uranus’ birthday again this year. It could get nasty. Your partner will be happy when you dress up as a ferret for your upcoming anniversary.

Gemini…  Mercury is angry with Venus over who misplaced the high SPF sun blocker. Pack your bags. You will elope with an Armenian hairdresser.

Cancer… Earth is in opposition with the second moon of Neptune. Your desire to win over a wombat at the local zoo will meet with success.

Leo… The Earth’s moon, Luna is ecliptic at the moment. It’s time for a new relationship, but first take the tuna fish out of your pockets.

Virgo… The sun is on the cusp of Phobos, a moon of Mars. You will be so fascinated with a car wash attendant, you’ll want to know every detail of his life.

Libra… Jupiter is aligned with the Earth this week. You will discover the rewards of divorce when you date a dromedary.

Scorpio… Uranus will be attending an AA meeting this week. You will be bored by a boar in your bedroom. Bring plenty of DVDs and popcorn.

Sagittarius… Jupiter’s great red spot will be mistaken for a wart. You will fall in love with a Polish conscientious objector and move to Krakow.

Capricorn… Aries and Taurus are crossed at the moment. You will date a radical racoon.

Aquarius… Neptune is nearing its tenth house. Your date with a mad masseuse will leave you feeling tired and greasy.

Pisces…Pluto is equilateral with Neptune’s moon Despina. Your encounter with a milkman will turn sour. You will seek the advice of Dennis Miller.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictionsare all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Advice, Astrology, horoscope, Humor, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, Observations, Planets, Predictions

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Your “Horror”-scope for the week of June 17th, 2012


Aries… Mercury will be opposition with Venus. You’ll be up all night this week listening to their arguing.

Taurus… Soon the Earth will be in trine with Mars. Your best bet for love will be the goat herder.

Gemini… Neptune is tangent to Leo. Polish your swords. Get some new tats. You will soon discover a rewarding career opportunity as a side show entertainer.

Cancer… Venus is keeping a low profile after party crashing at the White house. Your potential as an athlete will be revealed when you become a life guard for dumpster divers.

Leo… The lion is on the prowl. You will be avatar’d and feathered while on line this week.

Virgo… The seventh moon is in the eight house. You will awaken to find yourself on a mammoth mound of manure.

Libra… Mercury is in transit and on the cusp of Pices. A crazed kleptomaniac will steal your gums while you sleep.

Scorpio… A lunar retrograde is near. Your enemies are closing in on you. You must hide in the folds of a fat gerbil, or in Dennis Miller’s beard.

Sagittarius… The sun is in trine with Venus. You will be persecuted unmercifully by a paranoid pigeon

Capricorn… The moon will soon transit Jupiter and Mercury. You are going to find an inch worm in your foot long hot dog.

Aquarius… Saturn’s transit near the moon indicates you will be run over by a terrible troll on a tricycle.

Pisces…Uranus is in conjunction with Aries. A crazed centaur will ransack your residence.

 

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his hit song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictionsare all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Astrology, horoscope, Humor, Laughs, Life, Observations, Predictions, The future

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Your “Horror”-scope for the week of June 10th, 2012


Aries… Mercury is in trine with Venus. Your arches will sue you for non support.

Taurus… You will laugh uncontrollably when someone whispers the word “uggums” in your ear.

Gemini…  Mercury, Venus, and Neptune form a perfect triangle. You will lose millions on your idea for feeding chickens food coloring just before Easter so they’d lay colored eggs.

Cancer… Jupiter is now misaligned with Mars. You will awaken to find yourself in a Rock quarry with Steven Tyler.

Leo… Neptune is rising near its cusp with Mercury. You will be arrested for illegal possession of a wart.

Virgo… The celestial sphere is angry with you over that twenty dollars you borrowed? Quick! Get to the nearest ATM.

Libra… Your moon is in conjunction with Earth. You will be attracted to someone’s large, hairy underarms which are home for a tribe of garden gnomes.

Scorpio… The rings of Saturn are leaving are leaving a green stain in space. You will be arrested for illegal possession of a wart.

Sagittarius… Mars reveals that your future is unfavorable now. Hide under you bed clutching a large wombat dressed in Dennis Miller’s underwear.

Capricorn… A full moon in Virgo indicates you will date a man in a gorilla suit. Be sure to bring lots of bananas.

Aquarius… Mars will be in conjunction with the moon soon, check for scorpions in your couch cushions.

Pisces…Neptune is ascending, be sure to soak your head in the salad dressing of your choice.

And… remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Advice, Astrology, horoscope, Humor, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, Observations, Planets, Predictions, The future

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Your “Horror”-scope for the week of June 3rd, 2012


Aries… Pluto and Mars are feuding again. You will find a note in your cereal. Follow it to the letter. Bring three forms of identification with you.

Taurus… Venus wants to leave the Zodiac and form her own circle. Wow, what luck! You will soon discover that you are related to a wealthy mollusk.

Gemini…  Mercury is on vacation right now. He’s visiting Pluto at his summer place on Fire Island. Stay alert. You will awaken to find yourself swimming in a vat of hollandaise sauce.

Cancer… Saturn is up to no good. You will soon meet a rapper who will teach you how to rhyme in Rumanian.

Leo… The lion, which dominates your sign, ate a large bird. His in a foul mood. It’s an indication you should give your BFF another chance. Even goats need a little loving now and then.

Virgo… Pices the Fish is in your house. Smell it? There’s a good chance you will fall in love with a mullet.

Libra… Saturn is excited over a smile from Mars. Too bad for you. You’ll miss a week of work after you slip and fall on someone’s oily T-zone.

Scorpio… Pluto is flirting with Uranus again. Feel free to dunk your head in a bowl of cake batter this week.

Sagittarius… Mars is mutable and in trine with Neptune. You will be kidnapped by a gang of angry gerbils.

Capricorn… Saturn is in line with Mercury this week. This is a rare event. You will have the unstoppable urge to shout the word “thighs” in public.

Aquarius… Neptune and Jupiter are arguing over which one should pick up the check at dinner. You will find yourself the center of attention when you arrive at work dressed as a newt.

Pisces…Venus is in a stinky mood. She’s prepping for a colonoscopy. That is a bad sign. You will be locked in a closet by a garden gnome. All the air will be removed with a straw.

Remember what Weird Al says about Astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Category:

Advice, Astrology, horoscope, Humor, Lifestyles, Observations, Predictions, Relationships, The future

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