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Your “Horror”- scope for the week of July 1st, 2012


Aries… Neptune is slowly rising after an all-nighter. A chuckling chipmunk will nip you on your neck while you sit on a park bench.

Taurus… Saturn wants to give a ring to Uranus. A cocky cockroach will offer a crooked smile from your cereal bowl this week.

Gemini… Mars is in retrograde again. Buy lots of facial tissues. Soon you will be stalked by a town crier in his pajamas.

Cancer…. Your ruling celestial body, the moon, wants to abdicate. Stay away from mahjong tiles and Dennis Miller this week.

Leo… Pluto is suing over being demoted from planet status. Get ready for some fun, if you like porcupines in bed with you.

Virgo… Earth is in trine with the moon. It’s time to throw out that leftover egg salad sandwich under your couch cushions.

Libra… Mercury is taking a week off and phoned in its prediction. You will continuously pirouette while looking for your nemesis.

Scorpio…Saturn is in opposition to Mars. Time to take those marshmallows out of your ears.

Sagittarius… A new moon in conjunction with Saturn indicates you should cooperate with your enemies. After all, they are your parents.

Capricorn…Venus is dominant right now. Your encounter with a milkman will turn sour.

Aquarius… Uranus is about to go in transit with Mercury. Stop playing dumb. There is no need for it. Everyone knows your SAT scores.

Pisces…Pices is heading south for the winter. Heed this warning. If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you teach him how to fish, he’ll probably lose your favorite lure.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Are they Siri-ous?


IBM, also known as Big Blue, will not let its employees talk to Apple’s “Siri” application on their 4S IPhones while at work.

The company is concerned about voice commands which are given to Siri. They think the commands may be  saved in the Siri/Apple system. IBM thinks their employees will unwittingly divulge IBM corporate secrets to Apple.

I think IBM should take a bite out of Apple, like Adam and Eve did in the Garden of Eden. (I know, it was a different kind of apple. Just go with this.)

Wait a minute. If IBM took a bite out of Apple, Big Blue would be thrown out of Computer Heaven. Then they would have to spend the rest of their days facing problems, law suits, falling stock prices, and lost profits.

But those things have already happened to Big Blue. Is there something else we don’t know about IBM?

Hmmm. 

Now people at work can’t use Siri,

It’s making the workers quite weary,

They work for Big Blue,

They’ve always been true,

But their bosses are making them teary.

Your “Horror”-scope for the week of May 20th, 2012


Aries… Your ruling planet, Mars is facing an uprising from the serfs. You will find yourself very uncomfortable after your laundry comes back with too much starch.

Taurus… Venus thinks Scorpio cheated in a game of Go fish. You will soon wake up with a feeling of dread when you discover you’ve become a pound of camembert cheese.

Gemini… A Mutable Mercury is quite clear now. You have permission to frolic in creamed corn with Dennis Miller.

Cancer… Your Zodiac sign has been defaced with graffiti. Rubbing butter on your aardvark will help you both to cope with life’s problems.

Leo… Aquarius is co-tangent to your ruling sun. Consult with a mathematician on this one. It forecasts stochastics in your life.

Scorpio… Taurus is in conjunction with Mars. Take that dead herring out of your glove compartment.

Virgo… There is a negative polarity with Pices now. Once again it’s time to spread strawberry preserves on your jowls.

Libra… Aries is in the seventh house for a Tupperware party. You will be arrested for illegal possession of an anchovy.

Sagittarius…Jupiter is opposite Neptune on your chart. A Congressman will accuse your spleen of treason.

Capricorn… Saturn and Venus are at odds again. You better polish your forehead with Turtle Wax to avoid the fallout.

Aquarius…Uranus and Saturn are both in the seventh house.  You will soon find yourself locked in a Sponge Bob lunchbox.

Pisces… Neptune and Jupiter are plotting against you. Quick! Attend a costume party dressed as an eel.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would haveto be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

California’s Drunken Spending Spree!


News Flash… California is SIXTEEN BILLION DOLLARS in the RED.

Hold on to your wallets.

California’s Gov., Jerry Brown made a pitch to voters for TAX HIKES and deeper spending cuts. I guess he doesn’t realize that people (and their money) are fleeing California for tax friendlier places. Spending cuts? Dream on Jerry.

Californians, you got what you asked for when you re-elected J.B.

Socialism is great until you run out of other people’s money!

Hmmm…

California is now out of money,

To me that is awfully funny,

They spend more than they make,

Millions still on the “take”,

I guess CA is not very sunny.

Your “Horror”-scope for the week of May 13th, 2012


Aries… Venus is upset with Mars because he hasn’t called her after their first date. Don’t make any long range plans until they make up. Stayed tuned.

Taurus… Uranus is in trine with your rubber ducky. That indicates luck. For instance, you won’t be home when that semi plows into your residence.

Gemini… Mercury is rising fast. Just hope it doesn’t get light headed. Your astrology chart indicates, “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.”

Cancer… Your moon is in its fourth house. It’s hiding from bill collectors. Your BFF will appreciate the gift card you gave her until she discovers it’s expired.

Leo… Aquarius is blocking the sun indicating a current medical condition. Don’t panic! We checked with the Ouija board. They’re just saddle sores.

Virgo… Mercury is now mutable. How nice. You will be stalked by a Smartphone app.

Libra… Keep plenty of cash on hand. Your moon in Virgo says a man dressed in a coyote costume will ask you to break a twenty at the start of your shift.

Scorpio… Mars is traversing Jupiter’s front yard and he’s not happy about it. Under no circumstances should you go fishing with jail bait.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is mutable now. Venus’ house is in foreclosure. Stay away from Blue-Footed Boobies.

Capricorn… Your symbol is the goat. Your moon is in the tenth house doing minor renovations in the kitchen. If you really want to make tomorrow’s headlines, go ahead and marry that hamster you’ve been dating.

Aquarius… Your ruling planets, Uranus and Saturn are practical jokesters. You will embarrass yourself this week when you fall face down onto a porcupine.

Pisces…Neptune and Jupiter are mutable now. Your urge to frolic at the beach will end in disaster when you slip on an oily fat man sunbathing. BTW, don’t ask for his autograph.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Yipes Skype!


Recently it was discovered that scammers found a security flaw in the popular communication application called Skype. The error could allow unauthorized individuals to snag your IP address, leading to other information about you. I hope they are working on a fix.

Hmmm.

There once was a girl who used Skype,

Her IP was purposely sniped;

Her info went out,

It was sold that’s no doubt,

She later found out and yelled, “Yipes!”

Your Horror-scope for the week of May 6th, 2012


Aries… Mars is favorable right now. Exercise will be good for you, especially after your bypass surgery.

Taurus… The Moon is in trine with Jupiter. Clean those party snacks out of your sinuses.

Gemini…  This is your lucky week. Uranus is on the cusp with Venus and she likes it. You will be invited to play whist with a retired mud wrestler who cheats at cards.

Cancer… Good news for you. Pluto is petitioning to become a planet again. Stop using that face cream on your wrinkles. Your mate loves the look of a Shar-Pei.

Leo… Aries is in cancer this week. Your musical talent will improve when you get a new kazoo.

Virgo… There’s  a Moon-Mars union in Virgo. Your love triangle will be cut short with a noisy chain saw.

Libra… The asteroid Zorgo is in opposition to Mars. You’ll finally meet the love of your life… at the gorilla encounter.

Scorpio… Saturn casts a shadow on your life. You’ll feel much better after you put Post Toasties in your underwear.

Sagittarius… Neptune has just been realigned by a car mechanic. You will not be mugged this week. But, it will happen.

Capricorn… A waxing moon indicates you will be overcome by your own flatulence.

Aquarius… Uranus and Saturn are at odds over a poker hand. It’s time to get rid of those piercings. Your dream of a circus career will never materialize.

Pisces…The Sun will be in Venus soon. Your idea for a Mother’s Day gift is practical. But does she really need a post hole digger?

BTW… Remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

And the winner is…


Sophos, a security software developer, reported so far this year India is the top spam-relaying country. It has sent 9.3 percent of spam. The U.S. has sent 8.3 percent.

FYI…I got every one of them.

Hmmm…

India’s the top global spammer,

They often have trouble with grammar,

We get spammed every day,

No more, we all pray,

Don’t they know that spam has no glamour?

Beware all Androidians. Security Alert!


According to some computer security experts, there is now a “drive-by” virus (a virus you can get by visiting a site which is malicious), which can infect Androids. So, be careful all you Androidians.

Hmmm.

There is an old man named O’Cyrus,

Whose Android keeps getting a virus;

It comes from a site,

That isn’t quite right,

We’ll fix it if he will just hire us.

Superman now has competition!


A computer chip has been designed which can turn cell phones into X-ray devices. It enables the phones to see right through plastics, walls, wood, and fabric.

Now you don’t have to buy those x-ray glasses advertised in the back of comic books. And, you can foil the plans of criminals anywhere.

I guess it’s time for lead lined clothing.

Hmmm…

There is a young man I must say,

Whose phone can take mini x-rays;

It sees through your clothes,

Or right through your nose,

If I were you, I’d stay away.

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