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Your Horrorscope for the week of April 30, 2012


Aries… Venus is nearing a new moon. The secret to your success is in your landlady’s x-rays.

Taurus… You will become famous when you prove you can eat an elephant one bite at a time.

Gemini…  Your “EX” will come crawling back on his hands and knees. He wants the twenty dollars you took from his wallet.

Cancer… Go ahead. Eat that chocolate. At this point, another box isn’t going to hurt.

Leo… Be sure to make that tennis date with your new client. It will be worth the broken elbow and scrapped knees.

Virgo… Jupiter  is nearing its cusp with a quarter moon. It’s time for new arch supports.

Libra… That pony tail looks good on you. Do you think that poor colt will miss it?

Scorpio… Mercury in trine with a new moon indicates your dry cleaner will lose your best suit.

Sagittarius… Venus is now dating Mars. You’ll find more cocktail franks in your pajamas.

Capricorn… Taking the bag off your head will get the same result…Laughs!

Aquarius… Forget the makeup. Your police mug shot will look terrible anyway.

Pisces…Your rich uncle will leave you a fortune. It’s buried somewhere on his ten thousand acre ranch.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

You’re Fired!


Aviva, an international investment firm accidentally sent a, “You’re fired!” email to 1,300 of its workers. They quickly corrected the error.

Hmmm…

There once was a girl who was hired,

Shortly after she found herself fired,

It was a mistake,

What a fortunate break,

It’s a job that she really desired.

Watch Out…”Spammed” Books Are Here


Not only do we have to watch out for spam in our email, book spammers are selling rip-offs of best-sellers on Amazon to innocent book buyers. In a way it’s weird because many of the stolen books were originally published using Amazon’s self-publishing tool, Create Space.

My humble take on this:

There is a bunch of bad spammers,

They are usually mailbox jammers;

But these guys steal books,

They’re out and out crooks,

Let’s hope they all end up in slammers.

Google this…


Google got fined $25,000 by the FCC for obstruction of justice in regard to their data collection methods.

Here’s my take on that:

There is a search engine called Google,

It’s a place where surfers can oogle;

They fooled with the Feds,

Now their faces are red,

So now they must learn to be frugal.

I WANT TO THANK ALL MY FAITHFUL FOLLOWERS FOR BEING SO GENEROUS IN THEIR KIND COMMENTS AND FOR LIKING MY POSTS. IT MEANS A LOT TO ME. BEING FELLOW BLOGGERS, YOU KNOW WHERE I’M COMING FROM. YOU’RE THE BEST!

 

No Bull Here!


I have anger issues.

Stop Flying in the House (corrected)


How many times have I told you kids, no flying in the house?

Your HORRORSCOPE for the Week of April 15th, 2012


Aries… Your million dollar plan for edible Pampers is a bad idea.

Taurus… You will be held for questioning by the Vice Squad after you touch your inner child.

Gemini…  A new job is coming your way. Soon you’ll be a scarecrow on a fish farm.

Cancer… You’ll overcome your fear of eggs, but not Canadian bacon.

Leo… Fame and riches will be yours with your fabulous quote, “The hands of fate need a manicure.”

Virgo… Eat plenty of greens to get your chloro-fill.

Libra… It’s in the stars. You will fall in love with an Armenian shepherd.

Scorpio… This week, someone will point to you and say, “You rock.” So get your sledge hammer ready.

Sagittarius… Eloping is not the answer. They’ll spot the elephant miles away.

Capricorn… You will be delivered into the hands of your enemies by a midwife.

Aquarius… Cash in on your oily T Zone. It could keep you in gasoline for a year.

Pisces…Relax. Take time to smell your armpits.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictionsare all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Just Published!


I am proud to announce the publication of my first teen novel, Monica Mildrew -Alien Assistent on Amazon. It’s been two years in the making.

Your Horrorscope for the week of April 9th, 2012


Aries… Pluto is on the cusp of Mickey who doesn’t like it. Stay away from playgrounds or you will be arrested for fondling a jungle gym.

Taurus… Neptune is transiting Greenwich Village. Thursday you will have an urge to become a Nomad. Don’t do it. Wait until Friday.

Gemini… Jupiter is aligned with the trine of Leo. Beware. One day soon you will awake to find yourself making love to egg salad sandwich.

Cancer… Your moon is in the house across the street. This is the week you will be attacked by a set of rogue dentures.

Leo… Mars just asked Pluto for a loan until Friday and he refused. This means one thing. Keep your mouth shut. You may be arrested for using the word “chutney” in public.

Virgo… Saturn just dissed Cancer’s love affair with Orion. Ignore your BFFL when she thinks it’s cute to impersonate arch supports.

Libra… Mars is at odds with Saturn. On Wednesday you will have your sideburns stolen while you sleep.

Scorpio… A foreboding Neptune reveals you will be accosted by a roving gang of Lychee nuts.

Sagittarius… Uranus has been arrested for fraud. You will be suspected of copyright infringement when you’re mistaken for the Three Stooges.

Capricorn… Venus is in trine with a one arm bandit. On Saturday you will wake up in a backpack on Mt. McKinley.

Aquarius… Pices is in tartar sauce this week. Chances are good you will get into legal trouble for dancing in your underwear with a mail carrier.

Pisces… Mercury is rising after a bad night’s sleep. Satisfy your urges. Go ahead. Start a pen pal relationship with a sperm whale.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

TV Land is Eight Grand


LG says in May, it will roll out a groundbreaking 55-inch OLED TV for around $8000. Hmmm.

Here’s what I think about that…

The TV a young man once had,

Was always making him mad,

He spent 8K bucks.

On a LG deluxe,

Now he’s broke and awfully sad.

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