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Your “Horror”-scope for the week of May 20th, 2012


Aries… Your ruling planet, Mars is facing an uprising from the serfs. You will find yourself very uncomfortable after your laundry comes back with too much starch.

Taurus… Venus thinks Scorpio cheated in a game of Go fish. You will soon wake up with a feeling of dread when you discover you’ve become a pound of camembert cheese.

Gemini… A Mutable Mercury is quite clear now. You have permission to frolic in creamed corn with Dennis Miller.

Cancer… Your Zodiac sign has been defaced with graffiti. Rubbing butter on your aardvark will help you both to cope with life’s problems.

Leo… Aquarius is co-tangent to your ruling sun. Consult with a mathematician on this one. It forecasts stochastics in your life.

Scorpio… Taurus is in conjunction with Mars. Take that dead herring out of your glove compartment.

Virgo… There is a negative polarity with Pices now. Once again it’s time to spread strawberry preserves on your jowls.

Libra… Aries is in the seventh house for a Tupperware party. You will be arrested for illegal possession of an anchovy.

Sagittarius…Jupiter is opposite Neptune on your chart. A Congressman will accuse your spleen of treason.

Capricorn… Saturn and Venus are at odds again. You better polish your forehead with Turtle Wax to avoid the fallout.

Aquarius…Uranus and Saturn are both in the seventh house.  You will soon find yourself locked in a Sponge Bob lunchbox.

Pisces… Neptune and Jupiter are plotting against you. Quick! Attend a costume party dressed as an eel.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would haveto be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Advice, animals, Astrology, Body Parts, Developments, Health, horoscope, Humor, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, New Trends, News, news, Observations, Planets, Politics, Predictions, problelms, Recommendations, Relationships, Signs, Space, surprise, The future

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Your “Horror”-scope for the week of May 13th, 2012


Aries… Venus is upset with Mars because he hasn’t called her after their first date. Don’t make any long range plans until they make up. Stayed tuned.

Taurus… Uranus is in trine with your rubber ducky. That indicates luck. For instance, you won’t be home when that semi plows into your residence.

Gemini… Mercury is rising fast. Just hope it doesn’t get light headed. Your astrology chart indicates, “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.”

Cancer… Your moon is in its fourth house. It’s hiding from bill collectors. Your BFF will appreciate the gift card you gave her until she discovers it’s expired.

Leo… Aquarius is blocking the sun indicating a current medical condition. Don’t panic! We checked with the Ouija board. They’re just saddle sores.

Virgo… Mercury is now mutable. How nice. You will be stalked by a Smartphone app.

Libra… Keep plenty of cash on hand. Your moon in Virgo says a man dressed in a coyote costume will ask you to break a twenty at the start of your shift.

Scorpio… Mars is traversing Jupiter’s front yard and he’s not happy about it. Under no circumstances should you go fishing with jail bait.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is mutable now. Venus’ house is in foreclosure. Stay away from Blue-Footed Boobies.

Capricorn… Your symbol is the goat. Your moon is in the tenth house doing minor renovations in the kitchen. If you really want to make tomorrow’s headlines, go ahead and marry that hamster you’ve been dating.

Aquarius… Your ruling planets, Uranus and Saturn are practical jokesters. You will embarrass yourself this week when you fall face down onto a porcupine.

Pisces…Neptune and Jupiter are mutable now. Your urge to frolic at the beach will end in disaster when you slip on an oily fat man sunbathing. BTW, don’t ask for his autograph.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Category:

Advice, Apps, Astrology, counseling, horoscope, Humor, jokes, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, News, Observations, Phones, Planets, Predictions, problelms, Recommendations, Relationships, Signs, surprise, Suspense, The future

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Your Horror-scope for the week of May 6th, 2012


Aries… Mars is favorable right now. Exercise will be good for you, especially after your bypass surgery.

Taurus… The Moon is in trine with Jupiter. Clean those party snacks out of your sinuses.

Gemini…  This is your lucky week. Uranus is on the cusp with Venus and she likes it. You will be invited to play whist with a retired mud wrestler who cheats at cards.

Cancer… Good news for you. Pluto is petitioning to become a planet again. Stop using that face cream on your wrinkles. Your mate loves the look of a Shar-Pei.

Leo… Aries is in cancer this week. Your musical talent will improve when you get a new kazoo.

Virgo… There’s  a Moon-Mars union in Virgo. Your love triangle will be cut short with a noisy chain saw.

Libra… The asteroid Zorgo is in opposition to Mars. You’ll finally meet the love of your life… at the gorilla encounter.

Scorpio… Saturn casts a shadow on your life. You’ll feel much better after you put Post Toasties in your underwear.

Sagittarius… Neptune has just been realigned by a car mechanic. You will not be mugged this week. But, it will happen.

Capricorn… A waxing moon indicates you will be overcome by your own flatulence.

Aquarius… Uranus and Saturn are at odds over a poker hand. It’s time to get rid of those piercings. Your dream of a circus career will never materialize.

Pisces…The Sun will be in Venus soon. Your idea for a Mother’s Day gift is practical. But does she really need a post hole digger?

BTW… Remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Category:

Astrology, counseling, Developments, Family, friends, holidays, Home, horoscope, Humor, jokes, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, News, Observations, Predictions, problelms, Recommendations, Relationships, surprise, The future

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Superman now has competition!


A computer chip has been designed which can turn cell phones into X-ray devices. It enables the phones to see right through plastics, walls, wood, and fabric.

Now you don’t have to buy those x-ray glasses advertised in the back of comic books. And, you can foil the plans of criminals anywhere.

I guess it’s time for lead lined clothing.

Hmmm…

There is a young man I must say,

Whose phone can take mini x-rays;

It sees through your clothes,

Or right through your nose,

If I were you, I’d stay away.

Category:

Apps, Comic books, Developments, iPhone, jokes, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, Limericks, New Trends, News, Observations, Phones, Privacy, problelms, Science, Super Heros, Superman, surprise, Technology, The future, X-Rays

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You’re Fired!


Aviva, an international investment firm accidentally sent a, “You’re fired!” email to 1,300 of its workers. They quickly corrected the error.

Hmmm…

There once was a girl who was hired,

Shortly after she found herself fired,

It was a mistake,

What a fortunate break,

It’s a job that she really desired.

Category:

computers, Humor, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, Limericks, News, problelms, surprise, Technology, Tension, Work

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Your HORRORSCOPE for the Week of April 15th, 2012


Aries… Your million dollar plan for edible Pampers is a bad idea.

Taurus… You will be held for questioning by the Vice Squad after you touch your inner child.

Gemini…  A new job is coming your way. Soon you’ll be a scarecrow on a fish farm.

Cancer… You’ll overcome your fear of eggs, but not Canadian bacon.

Leo… Fame and riches will be yours with your fabulous quote, “The hands of fate need a manicure.”

Virgo… Eat plenty of greens to get your chloro-fill.

Libra… It’s in the stars. You will fall in love with an Armenian shepherd.

Scorpio… This week, someone will point to you and say, “You rock.” So get your sledge hammer ready.

Sagittarius… Eloping is not the answer. They’ll spot the elephant miles away.

Capricorn… You will be delivered into the hands of your enemies by a midwife.

Aquarius… Cash in on your oily T Zone. It could keep you in gasoline for a year.

Pisces…Relax. Take time to smell your armpits.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictionsare all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Category:

counseling, horoscope, Humor, jokes, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, News, Observations, police, problelms, Relationships, surprise, The future

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Just Published!


I am proud to announce the publication of my first teen novel, Monica Mildrew -Alien Assistent on Amazon. It’s been two years in the making.

Category:

Adventure, Family, history, Lifestyles, News, problelms, Roswell New mexico, Space Aliens, Space Craft, surprise, Suspense, Technology, Teen Novel, Tension, The future, UFO's, Writing

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Your Horrorscope for the week of April 9th, 2012


Aries… Pluto is on the cusp of Mickey who doesn’t like it. Stay away from playgrounds or you will be arrested for fondling a jungle gym.

Taurus… Neptune is transiting Greenwich Village. Thursday you will have an urge to become a Nomad. Don’t do it. Wait until Friday.

Gemini… Jupiter is aligned with the trine of Leo. Beware. One day soon you will awake to find yourself making love to egg salad sandwich.

Cancer… Your moon is in the house across the street. This is the week you will be attacked by a set of rogue dentures.

Leo… Mars just asked Pluto for a loan until Friday and he refused. This means one thing. Keep your mouth shut. You may be arrested for using the word “chutney” in public.

Virgo… Saturn just dissed Cancer’s love affair with Orion. Ignore your BFFL when she thinks it’s cute to impersonate arch supports.

Libra… Mars is at odds with Saturn. On Wednesday you will have your sideburns stolen while you sleep.

Scorpio… A foreboding Neptune reveals you will be accosted by a roving gang of Lychee nuts.

Sagittarius… Uranus has been arrested for fraud. You will be suspected of copyright infringement when you’re mistaken for the Three Stooges.

Capricorn… Venus is in trine with a one arm bandit. On Saturday you will wake up in a backpack on Mt. McKinley.

Aquarius… Pices is in tartar sauce this week. Chances are good you will get into legal trouble for dancing in your underwear with a mail carrier.

Pisces… Mercury is rising after a bad night’s sleep. Satisfy your urges. Go ahead. Start a pen pal relationship with a sperm whale.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Category:

horoscope, Humor, Laughs, Lifestyles, Predictions, problelms, Relationships, surprise, The future

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Your HORRORSCOPE for the Week of April 1st, 2012


Aries… Relax. Your friends and family don’t know you’re sleeping with a veal cutlet.

Taurus… Chin up. Your Neptune in Aries says you’ll have an exciting evening with a set of twins as you discuss Proust with them.

Gemini…  Your fame will increase triple fold when you announce opening chess gambits in your neighbor’s underwear.

Cancer… Someone in a gorilla suit will steal your egg salad recipe.

Leo… Hold on to your undies. A big wind is coming your way

Virgo… Relax. There’s no monster under your bed. He’s now hiding in the closet.

Libra… Mercury will be in retrograde soon. Be ready for an influx of insurance salesmen in your neighborhood next Saturday AM.

Scorpio… Your sun sign is on the cusp. Use liberal amounts of hand sanitizer on, you know where. That should clear up, you know what.

Sagittarius… Watch out for planetary transits. The transit workers are about to go on strike demanding free daily Horrorscopes.

Capricorn… Soon your health will be in jeopardy, or maybe LINGO, but definitely on The Game Show Network.

Aquarius… You may have a detached retina now, but soon it will warm up to you.

Pisces…A stranger wearing only lasagna will ask you for a date.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Category:

Family, friends, Home, horoscope, Humor, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, News, Philosophy, Predictions, problelms, Relationships, surprise, The future, Uncategorized

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Underwater texting


A Michigan woman was texting while walking. She fell off a pier into a river. No injuries, except maybe her pride.

Here’s my take on it:

A woman was texting one day,

She did it in her unique way;

She fell off a pier,

The river was near,

Wet butt was the price she did pay.

Category:

Humor, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, News, Phones, problelms, surprise

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