Aries… Uranus is unfavorable now. You should be aware that a curmudgeon is in your future.
Taurus… Mars is trine with itself. You will be arrested for eating arch supports in public.
Gemini… Saturn is in its seventh house for a house warming party. You won’t be happy when you discover that your cell phone has cellulite.
Leo… Venus is in opposition to Mars now. Your morning breath will soon become a military weapon.
Virgo… Pluto is having a flea problem at the moment. You will have a lot to explain when you start coughing up fur balls.
Libra… Mercury is fuming over an argument with the sun. Your idea for a new parlor game will fail. Do you really expect people to compete in Chia Pet grooming?
Scorpio… Uranus is on the cusp with its second house. A urinary infection is in your future.
Sagittarius… The Earth is mutable now. Your collection of belly button lint will not sell for much at the auction.
Capricorn… Jupiter is in opposition to Pluto. You will be trampled on by a flash mob of dancing taxidermists.
Aquarius… The sun is trine with Uranus this week. Your heart throb will be plagued by the heartbreak of psoriasis.
Pisces…The moon is on the cusp with Saturn. People may call you swell, but it’s just because you’re retaining water.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictionsare all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”