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Archive for the ‘The future’ Category

Superman now has competition!


A computer chip has been designed which can turn cell phones into X-ray devices. It enables the phones to see right through plastics, walls, wood, and fabric.

Now you don’t have to buy those x-ray glasses advertised in the back of comic books. And, you can foil the plans of criminals anywhere.

I guess it’s time for lead lined clothing.

Hmmm…

There is a young man I must say,

Whose phone can take mini x-rays;

It sees through your clothes,

Or right through your nose,

If I were you, I’d stay away.

Your Horrorscope for the week of April 30, 2012


Aries… Venus is nearing a new moon. The secret to your success is in your landlady’s x-rays.

Taurus… You will become famous when you prove you can eat an elephant one bite at a time.

Gemini…  Your “EX” will come crawling back on his hands and knees. He wants the twenty dollars you took from his wallet.

Cancer… Go ahead. Eat that chocolate. At this point, another box isn’t going to hurt.

Leo… Be sure to make that tennis date with your new client. It will be worth the broken elbow and scrapped knees.

Virgo… Jupiter  is nearing its cusp with a quarter moon. It’s time for new arch supports.

Libra… That pony tail looks good on you. Do you think that poor colt will miss it?

Scorpio… Mercury in trine with a new moon indicates your dry cleaner will lose your best suit.

Sagittarius… Venus is now dating Mars. You’ll find more cocktail franks in your pajamas.

Capricorn… Taking the bag off your head will get the same result…Laughs!

Aquarius… Forget the makeup. Your police mug shot will look terrible anyway.

Pisces…Your rich uncle will leave you a fortune. It’s buried somewhere on his ten thousand acre ranch.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Watch Out…”Spammed” Books Are Here


Not only do we have to watch out for spam in our email, book spammers are selling rip-offs of best-sellers on Amazon to innocent book buyers. In a way it’s weird because many of the stolen books were originally published using Amazon’s self-publishing tool, Create Space.

My humble take on this:

There is a bunch of bad spammers,

They are usually mailbox jammers;

But these guys steal books,

They’re out and out crooks,

Let’s hope they all end up in slammers.

Your HORRORSCOPE for the Week of April 15th, 2012


Aries… Your million dollar plan for edible Pampers is a bad idea.

Taurus… You will be held for questioning by the Vice Squad after you touch your inner child.

Gemini…  A new job is coming your way. Soon you’ll be a scarecrow on a fish farm.

Cancer… You’ll overcome your fear of eggs, but not Canadian bacon.

Leo… Fame and riches will be yours with your fabulous quote, “The hands of fate need a manicure.”

Virgo… Eat plenty of greens to get your chloro-fill.

Libra… It’s in the stars. You will fall in love with an Armenian shepherd.

Scorpio… This week, someone will point to you and say, “You rock.” So get your sledge hammer ready.

Sagittarius… Eloping is not the answer. They’ll spot the elephant miles away.

Capricorn… You will be delivered into the hands of your enemies by a midwife.

Aquarius… Cash in on your oily T Zone. It could keep you in gasoline for a year.

Pisces…Relax. Take time to smell your armpits.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictionsare all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Just Published!


I am proud to announce the publication of my first teen novel, Monica Mildrew -Alien Assistent on Amazon. It’s been two years in the making.

Your Horrorscope for the week of April 9th, 2012


Aries… Pluto is on the cusp of Mickey who doesn’t like it. Stay away from playgrounds or you will be arrested for fondling a jungle gym.

Taurus… Neptune is transiting Greenwich Village. Thursday you will have an urge to become a Nomad. Don’t do it. Wait until Friday.

Gemini… Jupiter is aligned with the trine of Leo. Beware. One day soon you will awake to find yourself making love to egg salad sandwich.

Cancer… Your moon is in the house across the street. This is the week you will be attacked by a set of rogue dentures.

Leo… Mars just asked Pluto for a loan until Friday and he refused. This means one thing. Keep your mouth shut. You may be arrested for using the word “chutney” in public.

Virgo… Saturn just dissed Cancer’s love affair with Orion. Ignore your BFFL when she thinks it’s cute to impersonate arch supports.

Libra… Mars is at odds with Saturn. On Wednesday you will have your sideburns stolen while you sleep.

Scorpio… A foreboding Neptune reveals you will be accosted by a roving gang of Lychee nuts.

Sagittarius… Uranus has been arrested for fraud. You will be suspected of copyright infringement when you’re mistaken for the Three Stooges.

Capricorn… Venus is in trine with a one arm bandit. On Saturday you will wake up in a backpack on Mt. McKinley.

Aquarius… Pices is in tartar sauce this week. Chances are good you will get into legal trouble for dancing in your underwear with a mail carrier.

Pisces… Mercury is rising after a bad night’s sleep. Satisfy your urges. Go ahead. Start a pen pal relationship with a sperm whale.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Your HORRORSCOPE for the Week of April 1st, 2012


Aries… Relax. Your friends and family don’t know you’re sleeping with a veal cutlet.

Taurus… Chin up. Your Neptune in Aries says you’ll have an exciting evening with a set of twins as you discuss Proust with them.

Gemini…  Your fame will increase triple fold when you announce opening chess gambits in your neighbor’s underwear.

Cancer… Someone in a gorilla suit will steal your egg salad recipe.

Leo… Hold on to your undies. A big wind is coming your way

Virgo… Relax. There’s no monster under your bed. He’s now hiding in the closet.

Libra… Mercury will be in retrograde soon. Be ready for an influx of insurance salesmen in your neighborhood next Saturday AM.

Scorpio… Your sun sign is on the cusp. Use liberal amounts of hand sanitizer on, you know where. That should clear up, you know what.

Sagittarius… Watch out for planetary transits. The transit workers are about to go on strike demanding free daily Horrorscopes.

Capricorn… Soon your health will be in jeopardy, or maybe LINGO, but definitely on The Game Show Network.

Aquarius… You may have a detached retina now, but soon it will warm up to you.

Pisces…A stranger wearing only lasagna will ask you for a date.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Your Horrorscope for the week of March 26, 2012


Aries… You will find love, but it will never pick up a check while dining with you.

Taurus…Brain Teasers will mock you unceasingly this week.

Gemini… Be sure to follow Dr. Oz’s prescriptions to the letter. It could lead you to the Ruby Slippers.

Cancer… If Venus crosses Mars, you shouldn’t walk in another person’s shoes until you first check the soles. Who knows where they’ve been.

Leo… Refer all decisions to your proctologist this week due to a New Moon in your under wear.

Virgo… Before you mix and match your outfit for tomorrow’s important business meeting, be sure to wear those shorts with the red hearts.

Libra… When the moon is in the seventh house, watch for real estate values to drop.

Scorpio… Cosmic Law says Pices should not be intimate with clams next Thursday.

Capricorn… Watch out where you sit today. The sun’s juxtaposition with Saturn indicates suppositories will definitely enter your life.

Aquarius… Don’t bother to search your soul for your destiny. It’s hiding in your closet under that pile of trash bags you haven’t thrown out.

Pisces…Your Venus is in Taurus. And you thought it just went to the drug store for some Kold-EEEZ.

Your Weekly Horrorscope for Week beginning: March 18, 2012*


Aries… The world at large will soon discover you wear months of the year underwear.

Taurus… You will closely follow your Sun Sign, so be sure to wear a high numbered SPF cream.

Gemini…Run! Hide! Your local loan shark just got your new address after you posted it on Facebook.

Cancer… Stay close to the restrooms. That chocolate candy bar you stole from a co-worker’s lunch bag was laced with a potent laxative.

Leo …Heads up. Someone wants to slap you in your Facebook.

Virgo… Your desire to be chauffeured around will be fulfilled when you ride in the back of a police car.

Libra… Ready for a life changing event?  You better be. Your karma will run of gas the day you leave your wallet at home.

Scorpio… Your local entomologist is going to bug you.

Sagittarius… It’s in the stars. The patent application for your toe jam processing machine will be denied.

Capricorn… Buy lots of tissues. The moon in Pices has the flu. Its lunar nodes will be running all night.

Aquarius… Your cusp with Virgo indicates if you add insult to injury you should be ready for a hefty sales tax.

Pisces….You will have a great following in life, (mostly from felines) until you take the fish out of your pants.

*Remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, Your Horoscope For Today:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Your Horrorscope For The Week…


Aries..Stop running on the beach in your bathing suit. The police are planning a Speedo trap.

Taurus…Get ready. Your Ex is taking you to small claims court to get back those toe nail clippings you’ve been hiding.

Gemini…Trust you chiropractor, his wise cracks are part of the job.

Cancer…When the new moon arrives, take a hint from the gorillas, knuckle down.

Leo…Your backers will back out when they realize your idea for a flatulence filter stinks.

Virgo…Stop dating that camel. She’s engaged to a dromedary with a bad temper.

Libra…Consider this a warning. A plague of locusts will swarm in your underwear.

Scorpio…Marry that acrobat if he proposes. You’ve always wanted to be a swinger.

Sagittarius…Don’t worry about the theft of your identity. With your credit history, the joke will be on them.

Capricorn…Take those skeletons out of your closet. You will be evicted soon.

Aquarius…Take it easy. You are spending too much of your valuable time stopping your TIVO to read all those fine print disclaimers at the bottom of your screen during commercials.

Pisces…Get rid of those zits which have formed the constellations of the night sky. Your Astronomy Club members will appreciate it.

Remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, Your Horoscope For Today:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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