Humorous Interludes by Ron Yarosh

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Feb. 21st, 2016

Hi there people of Earth.

The charts have been scoured once again to glean the best of the best of predictions for your future.

Let me just say one thing. Pain is in the air.

This week’s pile of you know what includes: beer, taste buds, and the ever popular, lawn jockeys.

Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is trans-conjunctive now. That’s not a good sign for an Aries. In the future, you will be flashed by someone with a flashlight. You will not be happy about it… even though it will enlighten you.

Taurus… Saturn is semi-distal now. That foretells problems for you. In the future, your enemies will hijack your taste buds. The police will later find them scratched, dented, and abandoned in a bad part of town. Your insurance won’t cover the damages.

Gemini… Pluto is in his fourth house plagued with a bedbug problem. That’s bad for you. In the future, you will be too embarrassed to say the word harbinger in public. It will curtail your socializing.

Cancer… The Moon is in full phazer power at the moment, and running low on energy. That’s not a good sign for a Cancer. In the future you will either fall from grace, or get slapped in the face. In either case, it will not be pleasant. Much angst will follow.

Leo… The Sun is peri-hedral now. That’s never good for a Libra. In the future, you will take the day off to watch a baseball playoff. It will bore you to tears or cause you to dunk for leeches. Let us know how that works out.

Virgo… Mercury is trans-conductal at the moment. That’s never good for a Virgo. In the future you will awaken with a fear of beers, which will bring you to tears. Let us know how that works out for you.

Libra… Mars is sub-junctive at the moment. That’s never a good sign for a Libra. In the future you will create a new flavor jellybean called, “Wet dog rolled in crap”. Except for Dennis Miller, no one will buy them. You will lose all and become depressed.

Scorpio… The Earth is rising at to fast a rate. That’s not good for a Scorpio. In the future your paranoia will cause you to petition the government to require everyone who leaves their dwelling to have an Exit Visa. You will be ignored.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in semi-drexel mode now. That’s always bad for a Sagittarius. In the future, you will consult an electrician to convert your power strip into an exotic dancer. Let us know how that works out for you.

Capricorn… Venus is in its third house mopping up after a flood. It’s not going well. That’s bad for you. In the future you will spend many months and all your money writing a book called, “How To Tame a Truffle”. Only a few chefs will buy a copy. You won’t be happy about that.

Aquarius…Jupiter is post-phasing now. That’s always a bad sign. One day, in the future, you will start a foundation to provide race horses for all lawn jockeys. It will be a losing proposition.

Pisces… Neptune is rising when it’s supposed to be falling. That’s a bad sign for a Pisces. In the future, after considering the large number of things and people that vanish into thin air, you will lobby the government to make the air thicker. People will think you are weird and avoid you.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Jan. 17th, 2016

Hello you wonderful people of wonderment.

We have scoured the charts again for your dining and dancing pleasure.

Once again the celestial bodies are foreboding.

Hopefully, by now you’re getting used to it.

If not, you might want to seek the help of a witch doctor.

This week’s conglomeration contains zest, wasps, and the ever popular, puss.

Enjoy…

Ares… Pluto is in dual-quadrinal mode now. That’s not good for an Aries. In the future, you will feel and smell a lot better after you take the rotten eggs out of your underwear.

Taurus… Mercury is in fast acceleration now toward the cusp of Taurus. That’s never a good indicator. In the not too distant future your enemies will try to use you as zest in a soup recipe. It will be quite painful.

Gemini… Mars is in Hexi-oppositional mode now. That foretells problems for you. One day, you will meet an instigator or an alligator. In either case it won’t be a very good outcome for you.

Cancer… The Moon is trying to sell its seventh house but hasn’t had much luck. That’s a bad sign for a Cancer. One day in the future, you’re enemies will force you to handle a bag of live wasps while listening to an album buy Sting. Ouch!

Leo… The sun is tired of being the center of things. That’s not good for a Leo. One day, you will find a carbuncle on your favorite uncle. You will become nauseous after you suck out the puss. Yuck!

Virgo… The Earth is hexi-dimentional now. That will bring you problems. In the future you will try to convince the world that you can warm up some cold, hard, facts. People will think you are loony and avoid you.

Libra… Venus is in his third house dealing with some squatters. It’s not going well. That foretells problems for you. One day, you’re hair will suddenly become wavy. As a result, many surfers will bug you.

Scorpio… Uranus is semi-dimensional now. That’s never good for a Scorpio. One day, you will attempt to walk around the globe wearing just a rubber robe. It will be hot, sticky, and greatly uncomfortable.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in ultra-tri-modal position now. That’s a problem indicator for Sagittarius. In the future, you will become excessively wild over Oscar Wilde and Wiley Coyote. People will think you’re weird and shun you.

Capricorn… Jupiter is in oppositional alignment to Capricorn. That’s always a bad sign for a Capricorn. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Pick a Pig in a Poke for Fun and Profit”. Only a few pig farmers, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will become depressed.

Aquarius… The Earth is in its hexi-longitudinal axis now. That’s never good for an Aquarius. Someday you will suffer from uncontrollable shivers while sitting Shiva. You’ll be very uncomfortable.

Pisces… The moon is semi-quadrinal now. That’s not a good sign for a Pisces. In the future, your enemies will try to launch you into space so you could wish upon a star (actually on a star). Bring something warm to wear, (at least for a while).

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved