Finding The Humor In Life|A Place for Laughs|Poetry|Humorous Stories…

Archive for the ‘Weird News’ Category

Disgusting Dissection Dissed


Seventh-Grade Biology Class Grossed Out At Having To Dissect Horse

MONTCLAIR, NJ—

Students at Glenville Middle School expressed disgust Thursday at having to dissect full-size horse cadavers, a much-dreaded annual assignment given to all seventh-grade biology classes in the local school district.

“You always hear that [biology teacher] Mr. Becora’s going to make you dissect a 14-hand thoroughbred, but until you actually see one all pinned down on your lab table, you don’t realize how gross it’s going to be,” said Lauren Denison, 13, who has protested the policy stating that any student who refuses to participate is automatically given a C.

“They give you this horse in a tank of formaldehyde, and it’s super disgusting—you and your lab partner have to slice off the hooves one by one, and that’s before you even crack open the rib cage and remove the aorta. Yuck!”

As of press time, resident class clown Ian Levine was reportedly trying to lasso Denison using his horse’s small intestine.

Found@
http://www.theonion.com/articles/seventhgrade-biology-class-grossed-out-at-having-t,34413/

Hmmm…

Some kids had to dissect a horse,
They declined but they were forced;
Soaked in formaldehyde,
After the horse had died,
They were grossed out of course.

The kids are of middle school age,
Dissection just isn’t the rage;
They cut up the thing,
Disgust it did bring,
The teacher is not very sage.

A few didn’t participate,
In something that they really hate,
They all got a “C”,
Automatically,
A grade that isn’t so great.

They cut off the hooves one by one,
They weren’t happy when they were done,
They sliced up the heart,
And other gross parts,
It really wasn’t much fun.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Parents PlayStation Placation


Parents Finally Cave And Buy 33-Year-Old Son A PlayStation…

KENOSHA, WI—

Having refused to purchase the video game console since its introduction in 1994, local parents John and Melissa Gionda confirmed Thursday that they had finally caved in and bought a Sony PlayStation 1 for their 33-year-old son, Daniel.

“It has some violent games I still don’t approve of, but I know it’s something Daniel really wanted, so we finally figured, ‘Why not?’” Melissa Gionda said shortly after purchasing a bundle package containing the PlayStation console, a 1-megabyte memory card, and copies of Crash Bandicoot, Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2, and Spyro The Dragon for the 2002 college graduate and digital marketing analyst.

“We’ve always felt that video games would have been a huge distraction from his schoolwork and first four jobs after college, but Daniel has been patient and waited long enough to get a PlayStation. As long as he doesn’t sit around all day in front of the TV, it’ll be fine.

And we got him an extra controller, too, so he can play it with his friends or his son Mark.” Despite buying the video game system, the Giondas confirmed that they still refuse to buy the 33-year-old a copy of the 1992 Megadeth album Countdown To Extinction.

Found@ http://www.theonion.com/articles/parents-finally-cave-and-buy-33yearold-son-playsta,34640/

Hmmm…

Parents got their son a Play Station,
A decision which brought agitation;
They weren’t quite sure,
That they could endure,
The questionable gaming creation.

They didn’t like the station’s games,
That kill, and injure, and maim.
They finally gave in,
Old Daniel did win,
Now they have themselves to blame.

The son is now thirty three,
He should have gotten a Wii;
But he got his way,
A game console to play,
It brings him a whole lot of glee.

Now Dan has his own little boy,
Does Dan question buying him toys?
Will Dan make him wait?
Or will he placate?
And bring his young offspring some joy.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Authorities Arrest Australian Animal Abuser


Australian man in trouble with RSPCA for riding an emu.

An Australian farmer who filmed himself riding an emu and posted the footage on the internet is being investigated by authorities for cruelty to animals.

A Queensland man who posted videos of himself riding an emu, and using a live calf and dead pig as part of his exercise routine, could be charged with animal cruelty offences.

“What most overseas people get confused about Australia is they think we ride kangaroos to work, but in actual fact we ride emus,” he says in the video.

The man, identified on his Facebook page as Jack Mcmillan, then proceeds to ride “Betsy” the emu whilst shouting, “righto girl let’s go, off to work we go!”

Biosecurity Queensland says it received the footage from the RSPCA and it’s being assessed to determine the most appropriate action to take under the Animal Care and Protection Act 2001.

The Mr. Mcmillan later defended his actions in a Facebook post, saying he’d rescued the emu.

“So it turns out someone thought my video of the emu was that good they thought (sic) they should let the coppas no (sic),” he wrote.

“Just to clear up if it wasn’t for me that emu would of being (sic) dead right now as it was tangled up in a barb wire fence and I cut it out and made a video.”

A spokeswoman has told AAP the maximum penalty for animal cruelty in Queensland is $220,000 (£121,218) or two years imprisonment.

Found @:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/australiaandthepacific/australia/10493357/Australian-man-in-trouble-with-RSPCA-for-riding-an-emu.html

Hmmm…

Some guy was riding a bird,
That’s something I’ve never heard;
It happened down under,
It was a real blunder,
You don’t have to take my word.

He put a vid on YouTube
He’s truly is a real boob;
The world saw his stunt,
I can’t be more blunt,
Some think he’s a real live rube.

He thinks he’s within his rights,
He rescued the bird not in flight;
It was caught in barbed wire,
The situation was dire,
I think the guy isn’t too bright.

He’s charged with being too cruel,
To an animal that is the rule;
He might pay a fine,
Cause he crossed the line,
He shouldn’t have been such a fool.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Gromdar Guy Going Global?


Inventor Of Gromdar Determined To Put A Gromdar In Every American Home

SAN JOSE, CA—

Laying out his vision for the company’s future at a shareholder meeting yesterday, Gromdar, Inc. cofounder and Gromdar inventor Jeffrey Shanes said that he is determined to put a Gromdar in every home in the nation, sources reported.

Stating that the Gromdar brand name “is synonymous with innovation, quality, and high performance,” Shanes told investors that, beginning with its forthcoming line of personal Gromdars sold at licensed Gromdar retailers across the country, the company aims to change the American way of life “Gromdar by Gromdar.”

“Our goal is not only to put a Gromdar in each home, but in each room of each home,” said Shanes, noting that ever since he built the first laboratory-sized Gromdar as a graduate student, he’s envisioned a world in which every citizen has access to a private, portable Gromdar. “Gromdar technology has been around for years, but until now, we haven’t been able to bring Gromdars to the consumer market. Now we have a chance to make Gromdars such an integral part of daily life, people will think, ‘Can you remember a time without Gromdars?’”

“We want people to say, ‘I bought a Gromdar for my wife, I bought a Gromdar for my mom, heck, I even bought Gromdars for my kids!’” he continued. “We want people without Gromdars to envy people with Gromdars. This time next year, you’re not going to want to be seen in public without a Gromdar of your own.”

According to the company’s website, Gromdar, Inc. originally manufactured Gromdars exclusively for military use, winning a lucrative contract with the U.S. Department of Defense to supply powerful Gromdars for operations in Iraq and Afghanistan. With profits from the government contract, the corporation reportedly invested millions of dollars in research and development to adapt Gromdars for the commercial sector, and soon began selling thousands of Gromdars to businesses across the country.

Shanes explained to shareholders that advances in technology have allowed Gromdars to be manufactured more efficiently and inexpensively than ever before, bringing down the cost and size of the device as well as reducing the numerous safety hazards of Gromdar ownership.

Responding to concerns about the marketability of home Gromdars, the tech entrepreneur acknowledged that most new products face resistance from the consuming public when they are first introduced. However, Shanes expressed his confidence that using a Gromdar—or Gromming—would quickly come to be regarded as a fundamental and indispensable part of everyday life.

“Some people might say, ‘What do I need a personal Gromdar for? I’m never going to use it,’” Shanes said after one investor compared the Gromdar to the Blordash. “That’s the same thing people once said about microwaves, but now we can’t live without them. Mark my words, the people who are most skeptical of owning a Gromdar are going to be the ones who won’t be able to put their Gromdars down, whether they’re at home, in their office, or traveling.”

As part of the company’s efforts to bring Gromdars to the public, Shanes said that Gromdar, Inc. is embarking on an ambitious marketing initiative including television spots, prominent social media campaigns on Facebook and Twitter, a sponsorship deal with actor and musician Jared Leto, and product placement in popular movies and video games.

Shanes also noted that thousands of billboards and public transit advertisements were currently being installed in cities throughout the country featuring a picture of a Gromdar against a white background and the brief tagline, “Your Life, Your Gromdar.”

By the end of the next financial quarter, Shanes said, his goal is to see consumers lined up around the block to get their hands on the latest Gromdar.

“The Gromdar is a truly innovative product that will revolutionize the way we work, socialize, learn, entertain ourselves, cook, and even exercise,” Shanes said while gesturing to a shiny teal Gromdar on a table alongside him. “By 2016, we want to see Gromdars plugged into every kitchen, on every car dashboard, and bolted into every desk in every school in America. We believe today’s generation will be the Gromdar generation.”

“The question isn’t whether you can afford to buy a Gromdar; the question is whether you can afford not to,” he added.

Found at:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/inventor-of-gromdar-determined-to-put-a-gromdar-in,34633/

Hmmm…

There is an odd guy named Shanes,
Who vocally now complains;
It is his intention,
To get his invention,
Everywhere; is that insane?

A Gromdar is what he is selling,
He wants one in every dwelling;
In bathrooms and cars,
Perhaps even Mars,
His message is quite compelling.

Could this be something you need?
Let’s buy one now, will you soon plead?
Get them while they’re hot,
Get two; sure why not?
Get twelve, make your bank account bleed.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Biggest Bowel Bacteria Baffling


Study Reveals American Intestinal Bacteria Most Obese In World!

SEATTLE—A study published Tuesday by the University of Washington revealed that the gastrointestinal bacteria of American citizens are the most obese in the world.

“We found that American intestinal microorganisms consume an unhealthy diet rich in sugars, fats, and processed foods, and as a result, tend to be severely overweight compared to international averages,” said researcher Benjamin Singh, highlighting electron microscope images of American Bifidobacteria cultures that showed their bulging plasma membranes and thick layers of internal cytoplasm.

“Indeed, most intestinal microbes residing in U.S. residents had difficulty propelling themselves around the GI tract with their flagella and spent most of their time ingesting saccharides in the same stationary position in the gut, which leaves them at high risk for chronic health problems and a shorter life cycle overall.”

Singh added that there was little hope of curbing the obesity epidemic in the near future, noting that most American intestinal bacteria live in areas where nutritious food options simply are not available.

Found at: http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-american-intestinal-bacteria-most-obese-in-w,34614/

Hmmm…

Americans have real big germs,
They got them on their fatty terms;
They can’t move around,
In places they’re found,
The thought of it all makes me squirm,

They’re gobbling up too many sweets,
From people who eat lots of treats;
They’re awfully obese,
From sugars and grease,
They really should watch what they eat.

They lie around down in the gut,
They seem to be in quite a rut;
They eat and get fat,
Enough said about that,
It’s something that we can’t rebut;

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Cashier Causes Customer Consternation


It Almost As If A Rite Aid Cashier Doesn’t Care About The Reputation Of Rite Aid Corporation.

PEORIA, IL—

Citing the man’s wrinkled uniform and detached attitude, Rite Aid patrons surmised Thursday that, if appearances could be believed, it would almost seem as though cashier Gabriel Morales was wholly unconcerned with the reputation and overall corporate health of the third largest retail pharmacy chain in the United States.

“I don’t want to jump to conclusions here, but his body language and general behavior might nearly imply that he has little or no regard for the history of the Rite Aid corporation and the image that it wants to project to the world,” said pharmacy customer Michael Valetta of the 39-year-old Rite Aid employee.

“Honestly, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say he was just treating this job as—how should I put this—well, almost like it were any other minimum wage retail job rather than an esteemed position at one of America’s most beloved, time-honored companies,” Valetta continued.

Valetta noted that Morales’ nonexistent greeting, slow response time, and general air of indifference all but pointed to the conclusion that he perhaps did not see himself as a representative of the Rite Aid brand who has been tasked with upholding that company’s sense of tradition and character.

At press time, customers were baffled to note Morales smoking outside of the store while on a break, as though he wasn’t the public face of the country’s premier purveyor of pharmacy, health, and wellness services.

Found at:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/it-almost-as-if-rite-aid-cashier-doesnt-care-about,34562/

Hmmm…

A disheveled guy at Rite Aid,
Does he deserve to get paid?
He’s got a real “tude”,
Don’t know if he’s rude,
He doesn’t care how he’s displayed.

He’s not a “company” guy,
The customers duly cry;
He’s kind of blasé,
The shoppers all say,
The culprit had no reply.

Will he continue to work at the store?
Can the customers take any more?
Will he try a small smile?
And change his bad style?
Or will the management show him the door?

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Sucking Suggestion Spreads Sickness


CAUTION…Read this at your own risk!

The Onion News Reports the Following…

Centers For Disease Contraction Urges Americans To Suck Doorknob

WASHINGTON—

According to a report released Monday by the Centers for Disease Contraction and Preservation, Americans should suck on four to five doorknobs per day, especially doorknobs to public restrooms and doorknobs covered in a noticeable film of human hand grease.

“At the Centers for Disease Contraction, we are always looking for ways Americans can get sick and spread their illnesses effectively,” said CDC Director Dr. Benjamin Campbell, adding that by sucking on doorknobs citizens could increase their chances of acquiring infectious diseases and bacterial illnesses by 450 percent.

“So if you aren’t currently suffering from the common cold or the flu, we urge you to find a doorknob in a high-traffic area, place your mouth on it, and begin sucking. Suck on it for five minutes, stop, spit on your fingers, and then rub the contaminated saliva into your eyes and nose. Then breathe on as many people as possible. Repeat this process upwards of 10 times or until you experience fever, nausea, or sharp stomach pains.”

“This is an excellent way to make yourselves susceptible to numerous illnesses including acute gastroenteritis, toxoplasmosis, and trachoma,” Campbell continued. “Please, suck on dirty doorknobs. This is your health we’re talking about.”

Saying that their goal is to keep pathogens inside the body as long as possible so they are able to do as much damage as possible, Centers for Disease Contraction officials noted that the more bacteria, fungi, and viruses that enter the digestive system, the more likely it is for an individual to acquire a debilitating urinary tract infection, tuberculosis, or even mumps.

While the report didn’t say it was absolutely necessary, it strongly recommended “group spit mixing,” in which 15 to 20 individuals stand around one single doorknob—preferably on a McDonald’s or Starbucks restroom door—and take turns sucking on it.

If a doorknob is not immediately available, the CDC said Americans could also suck on subway car poles; subway car seats; boots; pets; discarded cigarette butts; sidewalks, specifically in places where gum is stuck to the ground; rabid animals; garbage; scuzzy pond water; dirt; sauce-splattered plates; the open sores of bed-ridden sick people; and welcome mats.

“If one wants to lick the inside of a fireplace for several hours in order to contract a high fever that leads to prolonged vomiting, that’s also okay, just as long as it’s a fireplace that hasn’t been cleaned in over 20 years and has a lot of cobwebs inside of it,” said a glassy-eyed and visibly pale CDC official. “We just know that doorknobs are readily accessible, and we want Americans to feel as if the contraction of harmful diseases can be easy and quick.”

Found at:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/centers-for-disease-contraction-urges-americans-to,34422/

Hmmm…

They want you to suck on a knob,

Leave spit on it just like a slob;

Once you get your fill,

It will make you ill,

Your heart will just flutter and throb.

A restroom knob may be the best,

Open wide; let germs do the rest;

Bacteria abound,

On knobs all around,

Not sure? Just put it to the test.

In time you will be a hurtin’,

Like something from old Tim Burton;

Swap spit, lick a seat,

The floor holds a treat,

It may be your final curtain.

This story just may be a hoax,

A cruel and horrible joke;

Who wants to die?

Is the human cry,

Lick a knob and you may just croak.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

Tag Cloud

<span>%d</span> bloggers like this: