Aries… You will find love, but it will never pick up a check while dining with you.
Taurus…Brain Teasers will mock you unceasingly this week.
Gemini… Be sure to follow Dr. Oz’s prescriptions to the letter. It could lead you to the Ruby Slippers.
Cancer… If Venus crosses Mars, you shouldn’t walk in another person’s shoes until you first check the soles. Who knows where they’ve been.
Leo… Refer all decisions to your proctologist this week due to a New Moon in your under wear.
Virgo… Before you mix and match your outfit for tomorrow’s important business meeting, be sure to wear those shorts with the red hearts.
Libra… When the moon is in the seventh house, watch for real estate values to drop.
Scorpio… Cosmic Law says Pices should not be intimate with clams next Thursday.
Capricorn… Watch out where you sit today. The sun’s juxtaposition with Saturn indicates suppositories will definitely enter your life.
Aquarius… Don’t bother to search your soul for your destiny. It’s hiding in your closet under that pile of trash bags you haven’t thrown out.
Pisces…Your Venus is in Taurus. And you thought it just went to the drug store for some Kold-EEEZ.
Aries..Stop running on the beach in your bathing suit. The police are planning a Speedo trap.
Taurus…Get ready. Your Ex is taking you to small claims court to get back those toe nail clippings you’ve been hiding.
Gemini…Trust you chiropractor, his wise cracks are part of the job.
Cancer…When the new moon arrives, take a hint from the gorillas, knuckle down.
Leo…Your backers will back out when they realize your idea for a flatulence filter stinks.
Virgo…Stop dating that camel. She’s engaged to a dromedary with a bad temper.
Libra…Consider this a warning. A plague of locusts will swarm in your underwear.
Scorpio…Marry that acrobat if he proposes. You’ve always wanted to be a swinger.
Sagittarius…Don’t worry about the theft of your identity. With your credit history, the joke will be on them.
Capricorn…Take those skeletons out of your closet. You will be evicted soon.
Aquarius…Take it easy. You are spending too much of your valuable time stopping your TIVO to read all those fine print disclaimers at the bottom of your screen during commercials.
Pisces…Get rid of those zits which have formed the constellations of the night sky. Your Astronomy Club members will appreciate it.
Remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, Your Horoscope For Today:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
ARIES…Buy that dictionary you’re thinking of getting. It will help immensely when listening to The Dennis Miller Radio Show.
TAURUS… Your migraine headaches will cease when you remove your head from your butt.
GEMINI… Don’t worry about the theft of your identity. With your credit history, the joke will be on them.
CANCER… Take those skeletons out of your closet. You will be evicted soon. Oh, and the police are on their way.
LEO…Ease up. You are spending too much of your valuable time stopping your TIVO to read all those fine print disclaimers at the bottom of your screen during commercials.
VIRGO…Get rid of all those zits which have formed many of the constellations in the night sky. Your Astronomy Club members will appreciate it.
LIBRA…Run! Hide! Your local loan shark just got your new address after you posted it on Facebook.
SCORPIO…Stay close to the restrooms. That chocolate candy bar you stole from a co-worker’s lunch bag was laced with a potent laxative.
SAGITTARIUS… Give those certain people the information they want, or you will be forced to watch re-runs of Ellen in your Elmo underoos.
CAPRICORN…Watch out for low flying ducks and high flying schmucks.
AQUARIUS…Better get your booties on campers. It’s going to be cold outside.
PISCES…You will be thrown out of your college fraternity when they discover you are a closet crayon sniffer.
NOTE: See my post for March 7, 2012 for an important disclaimer
ARIES…Be sure to choose wisely when you pick a non-extradition country.
TAURUS… Don’t go green today. Wait until March 17th.
GEMINI… Stay calm. Don’t be a two faced, two headed, dual personality type again today You’ll sell that house to an unsuspecting dupe who thinks sinkholes are only found on pool tables.
CANCER… Stay close to your loved ones, if you can find any. Let’s face it, you’ve been a real jerk lately, especially to those barnyard animals who look up to you.
LEO…Keep that truss handy, the weight of the world is increasing.
VIRGO… Watch out for condiments. Today could be the day when your past ketchups to you.
LIBRA…Stop thinking about it. You two are as compatible as fire and water.
SCORPIO…So, you’re worried about those wrinkles. One good roll in the mud and they’ll be invisible.
SAGITTARIUS… That dream you had was a message. Go ahead. Answer another spammers promise of untold wealth. What have you got to lose?.
CAPRICORN…Wear sensible shoes with thick, wide heels. That cheesecake you ate just married your thighs.
AQUARIUS… Forbidden love is good, but stop hiding those chocolates in your underwear.
PISCES…Stop cussing about the cusp. Take action today on that decision you’ve been putting off. It will be over in seconds. It’s only six floors to the street.
Remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, Your Horoscope For Today:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
Humorous Interludes by Ron Yarosh 
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