ARIES…Be sure to choose wisely when you pick a non-extradition country.
TAURUS… Don’t go green today. Wait until March 17th.
GEMINI… Stay calm. Don’t be a two faced, two headed, dual personality type again today You’ll sell that house to an unsuspecting dupe who thinks sinkholes are only found on pool tables.
CANCER… Stay close to your loved ones, if you can find any. Let’s face it, you’ve been a real jerk lately, especially to those barnyard animals who look up to you.
LEO…Keep that truss handy, the weight of the world is increasing.
VIRGO… Watch out for condiments. Today could be the day when your past ketchups to you.
LIBRA…Stop thinking about it. You two are as compatible as fire and water.
SCORPIO…So, you’re worried about those wrinkles. One good roll in the mud and they’ll be invisible.
SAGITTARIUS… That dream you had was a message. Go ahead. Answer another spammers promise of untold wealth. What have you got to lose?.
CAPRICORN…Wear sensible shoes with thick, wide heels. That cheesecake you ate just married your thighs.
AQUARIUS… Forbidden love is good, but stop hiding those chocolates in your underwear.
PISCES…Stop cussing about the cusp. Take action today on that decision you’ve been putting off. It will be over in seconds. It’s only six floors to the street.
Remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, Your Horoscope For Today:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely
that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have
a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,
but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions
are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have
to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”