Humorous Interludes by Ron Yarosh

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 3rd, 2016

07 02 16

Hello there all you horoscopic minded people.

We’re back again with another load of linguistic lunacy.

The charts have been as horrible as usual.

This week’s listings include a street sweeper, curtains, and the ever popular…school of hard knocks.

Enjoy…if you can.

Aries… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars at this time and in opposition to Aries. That is not a good combination. In the future, you will suddenly develop a fear of all electrolytes. You will consult a psychiatrist who will have you committed. Thorazine we will be your medication du jour.

Taurus… Venus is in hyper-perplectic mode now. That indicates trouble for you. In the future, you will encounter a street sweeper or a gatekeeper. In either case, you will experience a lot of pain.

Gemini… Pluto is in its third house treating a flea problem once again. It’s not going well. That spells trouble for you. In the future, your enemies will attempt to make you more whimsical. Unfortunately it will not work. You will become whiny instead. People will avoid you like the plague.

Cancer… The Moon is semi-modal now and Square with cancer. Those two make a deadly combination for a Cancer. In the future, you will develop a unique mental condition. Suddenly, curtains will make you uncertain. There will be no cure for it.

Leo… The Sun is in strict opposition to Leo at this time. That’s a terrible position to be in. In the future, you will win a free trip into outer space… in a spaceship traveling to the sun. Be sure to take plenty of ice, and Dennis Miller along.

Virgo… Venus is perpendicular and in opposition to Virgo. It spells trouble for you. In the future, you will suddenly find yourself addressing everyone you meet as Mr. Carstairs. People will avoid you, thinking you are crazy. Depression will set in.

Libra… Mars is hyper-dilectical at this time. That’s never good for a Libra. In the future, you will develop a pumpkin patch. You will advertise it during the Halloween season. Unfortunately for you, people will not be interested in patching their pumpkins. You will lose a lot of money on the venture.

Scorpio… Uranus is in double opposition to Scorpio. That’s not good for a Scorpio. In the future, you will suddenly take action on your idea that you should collect jars of methane to use as a fuel in an emergency. The collection process will be dreadful. People will think you are weird.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in hyperbolic mode now. That’s never good for a Sagittarius. In the future, your enemies we’ll try to disenfranchise you. They will not succeed, however it will be a messy affair. You will be sad and depressed most of the time.

Capricorn… The Earth is square and in opposition to Capricorn now. That’s an unfortunate combination for a Capricorn. In an attempt to become more ocean friendly, you will attempt to memorize the dates and times of all high and low tides throughout the world. You will end that project on a low note when you suddenly realize a hermit crab has already done it.

Aquarius… Mercury is misaligned with Mars at this time and in retrograde. That’s not a good combination for an Aquarius. In the future, you will become confused. You will buy armor and hire an army to fortify your fortnight. You will lose lots of money and become a laughing stock among your friends and relatives.

Pisces… Saturn is in opposition to Pisces and in super-hyglemic mode at the moment. That will only bring you trouble. Sometime in the future, you will become a tutor at a school of hard knocks. The stories you will hear will depress you. You will quit your job and become a hermit.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: June 26th, 2016

06 25 16

Hello folks.

Another week has flown by under the radar.

It was thrust upon us by the mechanics of the celestial sphere.

It was brought to our attention that last week, we inadvertently missed a reading for Capricorn.

The person and/or persons involved have all been fired and are now holding handmade signs at street corners across the country begging for money or a good tip on a winning horse.

This week’s concoction includes: false eyelashes, a peculiar calendar, and the ever-popular colander.

Good luck…

Aries… Uranus is in opposition with Aries and on the cusp of Leo. That always brings trouble for an Aries. In the future, your enemies will try to take your breath away. They won’t succeed, but you’ll wheeze a lot afterwards.

Taurus… Saturn is in tri-modal position now. That’s never good for a Taurus. Sometime in the future, you will fall into a gorge or gorge yourself. Either way it will be painful. You will end up in an emergency room.

Gemini… Mercury is tri-modal at this time. That’s not a good sign for a Gemini. One day, your enemies will attempt to make out of focus. They will be unsuccessful; however afterwards you will have the compulsion to wear false eyelashes.

Cancer… The Moon is in opposition to cancer and on the bias. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will either meet the Dali Lama or Dolly Parton. In either case, your intentions will be misread. You’ll be handed over to security, where you will receive a severe tongue-lashing. It will be wet and smelly, like Dennis Miller.

Leo… The Sun is in his fifth house having some solar panels installed. It’s not going well. That’s not good for you. Someday, you will become a matchmaker or a mess maker. Either way it spells trouble for you.

Virgo… Venus is in post-peripheral position now. That’s never a good sign for a Virgo. In the distant future, you will invent a new kind of eyewash. The business will eventually fail after you’ve been sued a number of times by customers whose eyes have been injured by the spinning brushes and the caustic soap.

Libra… Mars is in di-helical mode now. That will only bring you trouble. In the future, you will see photos of your face on a calendar…from the late 1800’s. It will shock you and it will produce many unanswerable questions in your mind. You will become a hermit and ponder on it while living in a cave.

Scorpio… The Earth is in plexi-orientational mode now. That’s not a very good sign for a Scorpio. In the future, you will have the compelling urge to call the police and hysterically shout, “My underwear has been kidnapped and is being held for ransom.” You will be escorted to a mental hospital.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in poly-dicential mode now. That’s never good for a Sagittarius. In the future, you become obsessed with the idea of inventing a colander that will put a strain on peoples’ relationships. You will be ridiculed.

Capricorn… In the future, you will become a famous debunker. You will actually prove that you do not exist. People will think you are weird and avoid you.

Aquarius… Jupiter is in misalignment with Mars. That always foretells problems for an Aquarius. In the future, you will be obsessed with the idea that you will become royalty as soon you install crown molding in your residence. Everyone will think you are weird.

Pisces… Neptune is in quasi-directional mode now. That’s always bad for a Pisces. In the future, you will become muscle bound, or homeward bound. It could go either way, but it will be painful.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: June 19th, 2016

06 18 16

Hello fellow stargazers and hog raisers.

It’s time again for another reading of the charts.

We scoured them, we scrubbed them, we soaked them, but they still turned out bad.

This week’s readings include: chickens, cowboys, and the ever-popular…sideshow.

Have fun.

Try not to scream… too loudly.

Aries… The Earth is in diagonal-oppositional mode at this time. That’s not good for an Aries. In the future, you will reach a happy medium in life, but the medium will eventually become depressed and will be horrible to live with. You will spend the rest of your days in sadness and regret.

Taurus… Venus is in opposition and square with Taurus now. That indicates trouble for you. In the future, you will awaken to find you have grown four more elbows. You will eventually lose your job. You will take side jobs at a sideshow to make ends meet. It will be very difficult for you.

Gemini… Mars is in hyper-eclectic mode now. That portends trouble for you. In the future, you will begin a new venture. You open up a new business. You will become a world re-nowned chicken groomer. People will flock to your place of business. Unfortunately, you’re successful be short-lived. You partner in life will become jealous and do nothing but henpeck you for the rest of your days.

Cancer… The Moon is in semi-lunacity mode now. That’s always bad for a Cancer. Sometime in the distant future, your enemies stir up trouble. They will try to saddle you after they horseshoe you. You won’t like it bit; especially after they take tight reign over you and force you to enter horse races. Eventually you will end up with saddle sores and sore muscles. It will be painful.

Leo… The Sun is in peri-hedrinal mode now. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will meet a cowboy who will suddenly turns into a cowman. You will try to steer clear of him, but he will always find you. Your life will be miserable after you get saddled with all the unpaid bills he has accumulated. He will milk you for all you got.

Virgo… Pluto is trying to get a publicity photo taken, but it’s not having any luck. That’s bad for you. Someday in the future, you will fall in love with a rowdy Rodeo Clown. The two of you will horse around a lot and get into a lot of trouble. The two of you will end up in jail for a time. That’s no bull!

Libra… Saturn is in retrograde against Libra now. That’s unfortunate for you. In the distant future, you will become very popular. You will have many dates…then figs…then prunes. You will spend a lot of time in the restroom with Dennis Miller.

Scorpio… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars at this time. That’s always an unfortunate sign for a Scorpio. In the somewhat distant future, you will see many open doors or saddle sores. In either case, it won’t work out well for you. Your success will hinge on your attitude. Depression will set in. You’ll become sad and lonely. You will feel locked out of life.

Sagittarius… Mercury is in a double-helixical mode now against Sagittarius. Too bad for you. In the future, you will be out jumped by a jump drive. It will be an embarrassing situation. People will lose confidence in your athletic abilities. That will take a real byte out of you. It will sadden you.

Aquarius… Neptune is in high angular motion at this time. That will only bring you trouble. In the future, you will be arrested by the grammar police for the flagrant use of alliteration. Eventually, you will be bailed out by a bailiff chewing on a bay leaf in Bayonne. You’ll be a changed person afterwards.

Pisces… Venus is in lower aspect now against Pisces. Trouble is in your future. In the not too distant future, you will tell everyone you meet a new joke you developed. It goes like this: Did you hear about the skydiver who landed on Broadway? He was thrown out of the show when he got his lines all crossed up. You won’t get very many laughs. In fact, you get thrown out of most places after telling it.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: June 12th, 2016

06 11 16

Hello fellow stargazers.

Once again, the celestial sphere is in critical mass resulting in another list of mind-bending predictions.

This weeks conglomeration includes: garlic, a Viking, and the ever popular Umpa-Lumpas.

Enjoy…

Aries… Mars is in semi-diurnal position now. That is not a good sign for an Aries. In the future, you are going to use one of those germ killers that kill 99 %of the germs, but you won’t rest until you find the last 1 percent. You won’t sleep for weeks looking for them.

Taurus… Venus is suffering from excess gas at the moment. That’s never a good sign for a Taurus. In the future, you will lose many friends after you win a garlic-eating contest at a county fair.

Gemini… Mercury is on the cusp of Gemini and in juxtaposition to Mars. That will bring you problems. In the future, you will be arrested for jostling Jocelyn, Joyce and Josephine. You will spend some time in jail alongside Dennis Miller.

Cancer… The Moon is in hyper perplectic mode now. That’s a troubling sign for you. Sometime in the future, you will convince yourself that there really is an Umpa-Lumpa Land. You will spend the rest of your life searching for it.

Leo… The Sun is in lower-helial position now and in opposition to Leo. That portends problems for you. In the somewhat distant future, an electrician will give you some shocking news. It will get you all wired up to the point where you will blow a fuse. Let’s hope you can handle that.

Virgo… Saturn is in quadra-dialectic mode now. It’s never a good sign for a Virgo. One day, a wolf in sheep’s clothing will pull the wool over your eyes in textile factory. You will break out after an allergic reaction.

Libra… Jupiter is in its eighth house having some window treatments installed. Things aren’t going well. That means trouble for you. One day in the future, a Viking on a viaduct will vanquish you. It will not be a pleasant experience.

Scorpio… Uranus is it in the urinal business now and not doing well. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will be obsessed with the phrase, “mumbo-jumbo”. You will try to fit it in every conversation as often as possible. People will think you are weird. They will avoid you.

Sagittarius… Pluto is in tri-quadrinal position now and square with Sagittarius. That is not a good combination. In the future you will showcase your collection of rectal thermometers only to discover you should have cleaned them before you put them on display.

Capricorn… Mars is in oppositional mode now. That’s always bad for a Capricorn or a day-tripper. One day in the future your tongue will suddenly cleave to the roof of your mouth. That will cause you much distress especially in the area of communications with others. Good luck with that.

Pisces… The Earth is in counter-opposition and square with Pisces now. Those two things are never good for a Pisces. In the future you will spend much time and money developing the perfect peanut butter to feed jellyfish. It will be a huge waste of time, ending in depression for you.

Aquarius… Neptune is in its fourth house and has just discovered that all the fish in its aquarium have died. That’s not a good sign for an Aquarius. In the future, a judge will issue you a gag order. Afterwards, you will constantly shove your finger down your throat in order to comply. It will not be pleasant. People will avoid you.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: June 5th, 2016

06 04 16

Good day to all you wonderers of wonderment.

We have scraped the bottom of the barrel and came up with another list of lunacy.

This week’s recipe called for: dinner rolls, squinting, and the ever popular, Rudyard Kipling.

Let’s get to it quickly before the pain sets in.

Aries… Pluto is in high axial mode now, and on the cusp of Aries. That’s usually a bad sign. In the future you will petition the Pentagon to use fabric softener on all military hardware to make it easier on the troops. Eventually, they will ban you from all of their installations.

Taurus… Uranus is in double equinox now and in opposition to Taurus. That’s not a good combination. In the future, you’ll find it handy to have a few hand grenades around. It will be part of your explosive personality. Have fun with that.

Gemini… Mercury is rising at an alarming rate and square with Gemini at this time. That’s not a good combination for a Gemini. In the future, you’ll become confused. You will try to make a large deposit of dinner rolls into your account at a banquet. People will ridicule you. Depression will set in. At least you won’t go hungry.

Cancer… The Moon is quadra-helical at the moment. That’s not a good sign for you. In the future you will lose a wig while wiggling in a wigwam. You will be greatly embarrassed. Native Americans, and belly dancers will shun you. Sadness will set in.

Leo… The Sun is in marginal aspect now and in opposition to Leo. That will bring your trouble. In the distant future, you spend many hours and lots of money writing a book called, ”How to Squint for Fun and Profit.” Your only customer will be Dennis Miller. Afterwards, you will become sad and lonely.

Virgo… Venus is in tri-diaxial mode and in opposition to vertigo. That’s not a very good sign for a Virgo. In the future, whenever you meet someone, in any situation, you will say, “What’s all the folderol?” People will think you are weird and avoid you.

Libra… Mars is in lower opposition to Libra now and on the cusp. That’s a terrible sign for Libra. In the future, you will be very distraught when someone tries to pick your pocket…with an ice pick. Ouch!

Scorpio… Saturn is in dihedral mode now. That indicates trouble for you. In the distant future, you will model prison clothing while on a cell phone in Cincinnati. The stripes will make you look short and fat. You will not be happy about that.

Sagittarius… In the distant future, you will become a squirrel whisperer. You will spend many hours sitting in trees talking to squirrels. Eventually you will be put in mental institution. You’re only visitors will be squirrels and the occasional chipmunk.

Capricorn… One day in the future, you will fall in love with a lawyer who will turn out to be a liar. Most of the time, the lawyer will lie about lying. Your life will be ruined.

Aquarius… Neptune is in opposition to Aquarius and bi-modal now. That’s never a good sign for an Aquarius. In the future, you will either become engrossed in Rudyard Kipling, or fascinated with stippling. In either case, in the long run, it will be very boring for you.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May, 29th 2016

05 29 16

Good day to all of you to all of you stargazers.

The charts have been naughty again this week.

It’s just the way to the celestial cookie crumbled.

This week’s selection involves: a windbreaker, light bulbs, and the ever-popular warthog.

Let the suffering begin…

Aries… Saturn is rising at an alarming rate toward the cusp of Aries. That foretells problems for you, or any hat blocker. In the future, whenever anyone asks you a question you will begin your answer with the phrase,” Well, in a nutshell…” For example, if someone asks you how your hydrolater is working. You will answer, “Well, in a nutshell, it got discombobulated when I turned on the fabralater.” Oh… then you’ll stand on your head and recite the alphabet. People will avoid you.

Taurus… Neptune is semi-nostalgic at the moment, and square with Taurus. That’s not good for a Taurus, or any Lakers fan. In the future, you will be embarrassed to say the word scamper in public. It will be added to a long list of other words you’re embarrassed to utter, such as perky, pimp and percussion.

Gemini… Mars is in hyperbolic inversion now. That’s always a problem for a Gemini, or a nocturnal beast. In the future, you we’ll be associated with a throng or a thong. In either case it won’t end well for you. You might want to make sure your health insurance is up to date.

Cancer… The Moon is in high diagonal mode now. That’s not good for a Cancer, or a warthog in heat. Someday in the future, you will ride in a centrifuge or become the center of attention. In either case you’ll end up nauseous. You probably should bring an air sick bag with you at all times.

Leo… The Sun is in quasi opposition to Leo now. That will bring you and many art critics problems. In the distant future, you will either become bulimic or go bowling. In either case, you will not make a very good showing of yourself… kind of like Dennis Miller.

Virgo… Saturn is in dire opposition to Virgo now and on the cusp. That foretells problems for you, and any left-handed dishwasher. Someday, you will buy an extra large windbreaker in an attempt to control your breaking wind problem. People will ridicule you, and avoid you.

Libra… Uranus is in semi-dihedral mode now. That’s always bad for a Libra, and any earwax collectors. One day in the future, you will work with someone named Dirk who will turn out to be a jerk. Your life will be miserable…until you meet someone named Turk. Then your life will be even more miserable. We see no end in sight. Buck up and get strong.

Scorpio… Mercury is in a down slide now. That always brings problems for Scorpios and zamboni operators. In the future you will suffer from warts or be attacked by a warthog. Either way the outcome will not be pleasant.

Sagittarius… Venus is in hyperpletic mode at this time. That will definitely bring you, and naked skydivers problems. In the future you will be convinced that Fractal Economics combined with the hiccups, will solve the world’s problems. Everyone you meet will eventually shun you.

Capricorn… Pluto is in hyper-ecstatic mode now and on the cusp of Capricorn. Those two make for a bad combination for a Capricorn, or bloated pinworms. In the future, you will petition the American Medical Association to certify a course of study leading to the medical specialty of Squirmatology. They will treat people who can’t sit still. You will be there first patient.

Aquarius… The Earth is in quadra-helical extension now. That’s not good for an Aquarius or any chicken plucker. In the future, you and someone named Bob will bob for kabobs in a smelly bog. It will not be a pleasant endeavor. You will go hungry and smell awful.

Pisces… Jupiter is now misaligned with Mars and on the cusp of Pisces. That’s a horrible combination for a Pisces or any snake charmer. In the future, you will become very confused and morose. You will start to swallow light bulbs after people tell you to lighten up. You’re intestines will be very gassy and glassy.

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May, 22nd 2016

05 21 16

Good day to all you lovers of whimsy and what not.

We have another HORROR – Scope for you.

The charts have been scoured by the hour to find a best in unfortunate circumstances for you unfortunate creatures.

Which is something you should be used to by now if you have been following Your HORROR – Scope for any length of time.

This week’s framework of fortunes includes: snowshoes, toe jam, and the ever popular, politician.

Enjoy…

Aries… Saturn is square and in opposition to Aries. That’s not a good sign for an Aries, or a polyglot. In the future, you will be embarrassed to say the word, “gaggle” in public…especially when geese are about.

Taurus… Uranus is in quasi-modal position now. That’s always bad for a Taurus, or any scab picker. In the future, you’ll find yourself studying mosaic tiles in an attempt to learn more about Moses. You will be ridiculed and avoided, but you’ll have a very nice floor in your home.

Gemini… Mars is semi-distal now and a square with Gemini. That’s always a bad sign for a Gemini, or a dead cat juggler. In the future, you will become so weak you won’t even be able to raise your blood pressure. You will end up in a hospital bed next to a raving heathen wearing snowshoes.

Cancer… The Moon is in semi-distal mode now, and on the cusp of Cancer. That’s never a good sign for a Cancer, or any crop duster pilot. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Wallow With Your Wallet”. Only a few pig farmers will buy a copy. You will give up eating pork afterwards.

Leo… The Sun is in opposition and equidistant to Leo at this time. That is not good for a Leo, or any fish farmer. One day in the future, you will find yourself involved with onions or grunions. In either case, it will be an awfully smelly situation, which will linger for a long time.

Virgo… Mercury is in digression now and hyper extended. That’s always a bad sign for a Virgo, or a tree root sucker. In the future, you will open a business selling Jewelry for Jowls. Your only customer will be Dennis Miller. You will lose everything. Well, at least you will have tried.

Libra… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars at this point and can’t get back into alignment. That’s not good for a Libra, or a toe jam collector. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Pet A Pickerel”. Only a few fishermen and Weird Al will buy a copy. You will consider your efforts in vain.

Scorpio… Pluto is in diametric opposition to Scorpio now. That’s very bad for a Scorpio, or a duck billed platypus. In the future, you will discover someone you know from Kokomo who plays the banjo for hobos. He will be a con man who will steal everything from you. At least you’ll have your health… for a while.

Sagittarius… The Earth is in sub-conjunctive mode at this time. That’s not good for a Sagittarius, or any wino in Seattle. In the future you’ll be embarrassed to say the word, pneumatic in public. As a result, you will shun association with others.

Capricorn… Venus is on the cusp of Capricorn but in opposition to Jupiter. That’s always a bad sign for a Capricorn, or any suppository salesman. In the future, you will shock yourself with a Tesla coil to energize yourself. The electrons in your body will revolt causing you to go into convulsions, or a nearby convenience store. It isn’t clear.

Aquarius… Uranus is in trilateral opposition to Aquarius now. That’s not a good sign for an Aquarius, or the target of a circus, blindfolded knife thrower. In the future, you will urge someone to name their child after the Hoover Dam, but they won’t be comfortable with the word, Dam. As a result, they will shun you.

Pisces… The Earth is in diametrical opposition and on the cusp of Pisces. That combination is always bad for a Pisces, or a whale surfer. One day, you will meet an electrician or a politician. In either case you’ll be shocked by their antics

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May, 15th 2016

05 14 16

Welcome back friends of the future.

We have another delightful pot of prognostication for you.

Unfortunately, once again, the contents are spoiled.

This weeks recipe called for: marmalade, sunscreen, and the ever popular, ants.

It’s time to dig in…

Aries… Mercury is in a foul mood because of overheating. That’s not good for an Aries, or a porcupine collector. One day you will awaken not knowing the difference between Snickers and sneakers. You won’t discover the difference until you’ve eaten a dozen pairs of Nikes. You will become quite embarrassed, and it nauseous.

Taurus… Venus is in tri-liptic mode now. That’s not a good sign for a Taurus, or for a hay baler mechanic. In the future, you will spend many years and much money inventing a marmalade cloaking device, only to find out you’ve been wasting your time, since most people don’t like marmalade to begin with. You will be greatly embarrassed.

Gemini… Venus is in opposition to Gemini and square with it. That’s never a good sign for Gemini, or a cat juggler. In the future, you will be reprimanded by a reprobate on probation. A fight will ensue, leading to your probation. Better luck next time.

Cancer… The Moon is in semi-lunacity mode now and on the cusp of Cancer. That’s never a good sign for a Cancer, or a mime. One day, you will drop an old copy of Life Magazine. You will call for an ambulance, and immediately begin CPR to revive it. You will be ridiculed when you relate the story to your friends and family.

Leo… The Sun is nearing its apex now and is in opposition to Leo. That’s definitely a bad sign for a Leo, as well as any feather merchant. In the future, you will get a painful sunburn when you tend to your sunflowers without applying sun screen.

Vertigo… Mars is in semi-brackish mode now. That will only bring you problems. One day in the future, you’re enemies will attempt to to sugar coat you then feed you to some ants. You will escape with many ant bites and much itching.

Libra… Saturn is in semi-disjunctive mode now. That’s never good for a Libra, or any cat whisperer. In the future, your relatives will think you’re creepy when you date a vampire bat. We say, to each his own. Good luck.

Scorpio… Pluto is in semi-digestive mode now. That’s never good for a Scorpio, or a tree hugger. In the future, people will think you are odd when you spend all your time trying to determine the combination to a warlock.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is in trans-alignment mode now with Sagittarius. That’s never a good sign for a Sagittarius, Dennis Miller, or a licorice twirler. In the future, you will roll your own cigarettes…uphill. It will be an exhausting affair, which will go up in smoke.

Capricorn… Mars is square with Capricorn but in opposition to it. That’s never a good sign for Capricorn or an olive pit collector. In the future, your enemies will try to to dangle you, or mangle you. In any case, the outcome won’t be pleasant.

Aquarius… Uranus is in demi-conjunctive mode now. That’s not good for an Aquarius, or a mouth breather. In the future, you will become greatly nauseous or cautious. In either case it will lead to chronic depression.

Pisces… Neptune is in semi-dilution mode at this time. That’s not a good sign for a Pisces, or a sword swallower. In the distant future, you will gargle in a garden near a gargoyle every 15 minutes. You will eventually find yourself under observation in a mental hospital which does not allow gargling.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May, 8th 2016

05 07 16

Welcome back seekers of solar system science.

We’re here with another rendering of celestial hijinks.

We hope you can hold up under the strain.

This week’s collection includes, geese, sunflowers, and the ever popular Odor-Eaters.

Enjoy…

Aries… Jupiter is falling and in opposition to Aries. That’s not good for an Aries. In the future, you will develop a chameleon type skin to allow people hide anywhere. Unfortunately, once used it will not be reversible. People you cannot even see will sue you. Better luck next time.

Taurus… Pluto is hyper-conjunctive at the moment. That’s not a good sign for Taurus. In the far future, you will start a charity foundation called, “Odor-Eaters Anonymous”. People will think you are weird. You will lose many friends.

Gemini… Saturn is di-conjunctive at the moment. That’s not good for a Gemini. Sometime in the future, you will forget your shoe size or be ostracized. In either case it will not be a happy experience.

Cancer… The Moon is in hyper-lunacity at the moment. It’s never good for a Cancer. In the far future, you will spend a lot of time and money writing a book called, “How to Grease Your Canadian Geese”. Only a few farmers and a handful of hunters will buy a copy. You will not be happy about that.

Leo… The Sun is an hyper angst mode at the moment. There’s never a good sign for a Leo. Someday in the future, you will be embarrassed and afraid to utter the word “carcass” in public. You will spend a lot of time alone… kind of like Dennis Miller.

Virgo… Uranus is in quasi-tensive mode now. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will develop pouchy cheeks in order to store food for the winter. Your speech patterns will be quite erratic. Squirrels and chipmunks will be your only friends.

Libra… The Earth is hypertensive at the moment. That’s a terrible sign for a Libra. In the future, you will get recognition from The Guinness Book of World Records for the world’s longest nose hairs. That sounds interesting.

Scorpio… Mercury is on the cusp of Scorpio and in opposition to it. That’s not a good sign for a Scorpio. In the future, you will be burned by a sunflower’s solar flare. Ouch!

Sagittarius… Mars is in hyper subjunctive mode now. That’s not good for a Sagittarius. In the far future, you will be involved with something generic or barbaric. In either case, the outcome will not be good for you.

Aquarius… Venus is in tri-conjunctive mode now. That foretells problems for you. One day, you will eat beef jerky while vacationing in Turkey. Immediately afterwards, you will become dizzy and fall into water that is murky. It sounds quirky, but that’s what’s in the charts.

Pisces… Neptune is in the doldrums right now and wants to get out. That’s not a good sign for a Pisces. In the not too distant future, you will become confused. You will hoard gasoline in an attempt to keep your Internet “search engine” running.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

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