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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Sept. 18th, 2016


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Welcome back lovers of lunacy.

We’re here with another week’s worth of horror.

It’s what you been waiting for, haven’t you?

This week’s conglomeration of confusion includes: acorns, lint, and the ever-popular hemorrhoids.

Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is in dialectic conjunction with Aries. That will only bring you problems. In the not too distant future, you will spend a lot of time and a lot of money to open a museum of lint. Only a few Laundromat executives will show up to observe your exhibits.

Taurus… Mercury is rising at an alarming rate, and in opposition to Taurus. That is not a good combination. In the future, your enemies will try to wrap you in bacon to promote you as a new snack food. They will fail, however you will be followed unmercifully by dogs and cats the rest of your life.

Gemini… Mars is in diametric mode now and on the cusp of Gemini. That is not a good combination. In the future, you will spend a lot of money and time opening a museum of toenail clippings. Only a few podiatrists will show up to look at your exhibits. From then on, things will seem dark and dreary to you.

Cancer… The Moon is rising and on the cusp of Cancer at this time. That is not a good combination. In the distant future, you will only carry on conversations with yourself. People will think you are strange. They will avoid you like they avoid Dennis Miller.

Leo… The Sun is in opposition to Leo, and in dissension at this time. That is a troubling sign. In the distant future, your enemies will dip you in chocolate. You will escape, but from that day on, people will have an urge to lick your face. You will not leave your home much afterwards.

Virgo… Pluto is in tri-geminal mode now and in opposition to Virgo. That’s not a good sign. In the future, you will have the uncontrollable urge to sit on flagpoles. You will spend a lot of time in jail. You will not be happy when you develop hemorrhoids.

Libra… In the not too distant future, you will paint yourself into a corner. Unfortunately for you, you will be using the non-dryable paint that you yourself have developed. You will spend a lot of time thinking about your folly.

Scorpio… The Earth is in tri-oppositional mode against Scorpio. That will only bring you misfortune. In the future, you will spend a lot of money and time opening a museum of warts. Only a few dermatologists will ever show up to view your exhibits. You will become depressed.

Sagittarius… Venus is square and in opposition to Sagittarius at this time. That’s definitely a bad sign. One day in the future, you will find yourself taking a selfie with a grizzly bear. Unfortunately, the photo will be taken while the bear is attacking. You will escape with minor injuries, but you will develop a fear of photos afterwards.

Capricorn… Mars is on the cusp of Capricorn and square with it. That portends problems for you. Sometime in the future, you will have a penchant for sucking acorns. Squirrels will follow you everywhere. People will think you are weird and shun you. Depression will set in.

Aquarius… Saturn is in hyper opposition to Aquarius at this time. That is never a good sign for an Aquarius. In the distant future, you will use the word repository in every conversation whether it is appropriate or not. People will think you are strange. They will avoid you. You won’t understand why that is happening.

Pisces… Neptune is in high declension at the moment. That’s not good for a Pisces. In the future, you will attempt to use a pogo stick to climb the steps of the Washington Monument. You will be arrested. No one will bail you out. You will not be happy.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 3rd, 2016


 

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Hello there all you horoscopic minded people.

We’re back again with another load of linguistic lunacy.

The charts have been as horrible as usual.

This week’s listings include a street sweeper, curtains, and the ever popular…school of hard knocks.

Enjoy…if you can.

Aries… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars at this time and in opposition to Aries. That is not a good combination. In the future, you will suddenly develop a fear of all electrolytes. You will consult a psychiatrist who will have you committed. Thorazine we will be your medication du jour.

Taurus… Venus is in hyper-perplectic mode now. That indicates trouble for you. In the future, you will encounter a street sweeper or a gatekeeper. In either case, you will experience a lot of pain.

Gemini… Pluto is in its third house treating a flea problem once again. It’s not going well. That spells trouble for you. In the future, your enemies will attempt to make you more whimsical. Unfortunately it will not work. You will become whiny instead. People will avoid you like the plague.

Cancer… The Moon is semi-modal now and Square with cancer. Those two make a deadly combination for a Cancer. In the future, you will develop a unique mental condition. Suddenly, curtains will make you uncertain. There will be no cure for it.

Leo… The Sun is in strict opposition to Leo at this time. That’s a terrible position to be in. In the future, you will win a free trip into outer space… in a spaceship traveling to the sun. Be sure to take plenty of ice, and Dennis Miller along.

Virgo… Venus is perpendicular and in opposition to Virgo. It spells trouble for you. In the future, you will suddenly find yourself addressing everyone you meet as Mr. Carstairs. People will avoid you, thinking you are crazy. Depression will set in.

Libra… Mars is hyper-dilectical at this time. That’s never good for a Libra. In the future, you will develop a pumpkin patch. You will advertise it during the Halloween season. Unfortunately for you, people will not be interested in patching their pumpkins. You will lose a lot of money on the venture.

Scorpio… Uranus is in double opposition to Scorpio. That’s not good for a Scorpio. In the future, you will suddenly take action on your idea that you should collect jars of methane to use as a fuel in an emergency. The collection process will be dreadful. People will think you are weird.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in hyperbolic mode now. That’s never good for a Sagittarius. In the future, your enemies we’ll try to disenfranchise you. They will not succeed, however it will be a messy affair. You will be sad and depressed most of the time.

Capricorn… The Earth is square and in opposition to Capricorn now. That’s an unfortunate combination for a Capricorn. In an attempt to become more ocean friendly, you will attempt to memorize the dates and times of all high and low tides throughout the world. You will end that project on a low note when you suddenly realize a hermit crab has already done it.

Aquarius… Mercury is misaligned with Mars at this time and in retrograde. That’s not a good combination for an Aquarius. In the future, you will become confused. You will buy armor and hire an army to fortify your fortnight. You will lose lots of money and become a laughing stock among your friends and relatives.

Pisces… Saturn is in opposition to Pisces and in super-hyglemic mode at the moment. That will only bring you trouble. Sometime in the future, you will become a tutor at a school of hard knocks. The stories you will hear will depress you. You will quit your job and become a hermit.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May, 1st 2016


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Welcome again, my friends of the past, the present, and of course, the future.

I bring you another week’s worth of wackiness and wonder.

The celestial charts have not been kind to you.

You should be used to that by now.

This weeks renderings will bring you thoughts on earlobes, smirking, and the ever popular, General Grievous.

Enjoy…

Aries… Saturn is in opposition to Ares now and square to it. That’s not a good sign for an Aries. In the future, you will spend many hours and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Leap Like a Lemming”. You will sell many copies of the book, only to lose everything when you are sued by readers who have sustained injuries following your advice.

Taurus… Uranus is in semi-diurnal mode now. That’s never good for a Taurus. In the future, you will spend many hours and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How to Smirk for Fun and Profit”. Many politicians will buy your book. But, you will later be sued by them when they fail to get re-elected. It will be a messy court battle. As a result, you will lose everything.

Gemini… Mercury is in di-modal compensation now. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will spend many hours and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How to File a Grievance against General Grievous”. Only a few Star Wars fans will buy a copy. It will put an end to your writing career.

Cancer… The Moon is in quadra-helix mode now. That foretells problems. In the not too distant future, you will be embarrassed to say the word “morsel” in public. You may just become a loaner.

Leo… The Sun is in hyper-extension mode now. That will bring you problems. In the not too distant future, you will be laughed at when you try to sell your Sunday sales papers to a yachtsman. Think about it. You will be ridiculed.

Virgo… Mars is square with Virgo and hyper-extended at this time. That’s not good for a Virgo. In the future, you will spend many hours and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “101 Earlobe Exercises”. You will lose all when a group of ENT physicians sue you for fraud.

Libra… Venus is in tri-modal descendance now. That’s never good for a Libra. One day, you will become confused. You will not know the difference between a cataract and a Cadillac. You will then drive your Caddy into an Ophthalmologist’s office. You will be sued when several people sustained minor injuries. You will not be happy with the outcome.

Scorpio… Jupiter is now misaligned with Mars and Scorpio. That foretells problems for you. In the future you will spend many hours and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How to Cure Warts by Sleeping With Toads”. You will only sell one copy… to a dermatologist. You will be stuck with the other 1999 copies.

Sagittarius… Pluto is in high orbital convergence now and on the cusp of Sagittarius. That’s a bad sign for a Sagittarian. In the future you will spend many hours and lots of money researching and writing a book called, ”How to Polish Shinbones for Fun and Profit.” Only a few orthopedic surgeons, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. Sorry about that.

Capricorn… The Earth is in hyper-dexiconic mode now. That will bring you problems. In the future, you will either flip pancakes or houses. Either way you’ll get burnt. Well at least you will have tried.

Aquarius… In the future, you will do magic tricks for geriatric patients. Unfortunately, most of them will fall asleep during your performance. You will walk away depressed.

Pisces… In the future, a filling in one of your teeth will suddenly start picking up radio stations day and night. The commercials will drive you crazy. You will seek the aid of a dentist who will advise you to become a disc jockey.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Apr 17th, 2016


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Hi there, all you lovers of fudge… and the future.

We hope you survived last week’s list of predictions.

If you didn’t, you probably aren’t reading this week’s wackiness anyway.

This week’s compilation of cacophony includes: dirty underwear, body hair, and bunions.

Enjoy…

Aries… Mercury is in its second house trying to fix a plumbing leak. It’s becoming a disaster. That’s not good for you. At some point in the future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “Pus Is A Many Splendored Thing”. Dennis Miller will purchase a copy. No one else will take a chance on it. Better luck next time.

Taurus… Jupiter is in its fifth house and can’t leave because the garage door is jammed. It’s not happy about that. It foretells problems for you. Not long from now, someone dressed as a Klingon will wrap you in Cling Wrap. It will be very uncomfortable and dangerous. You will survive, but develop a fear of science fiction.

Gemini… Uranus is in its ninth house having an alarm system installed. It’s not going well. It keeps randomly going of. That’s bad for you. One day you will have a sleepover with dirty underwear. It won’t be very pleasant. Afterwards, you will develop a fear of salad dressing. That’s weird, but we call them the way we see them.

Cancer… The Moon is being charged with lunacy. It isn’t happy about that. That means trouble for you. In the future, you will buy a violin, then marry a physicist in order to study String Theory. Everyone you know will think you are weird and shun you. We wish you well.

Leo… The Sun is getting feverish. That’s not good for anyone. Sometime in the distant future, you will have the urge to put mailing addresses on all placemats. People will think you are weird and avoid you. You won’t be happy about that.

Virgo… Neptune is its seventh house after a fire which occurred when it left a skillet of grease on a hot stove. That’s a terrible sign for you. In the future, you will become stoned after eating Rolling Stone magazines. You will end up in a hospital having your stomach pumped. Yuck!

Libra… Venus is overextended in its credit and is furious about it. That’s not good for you. One day you will feel a need to polish your nails or uncooked snails. Either way, your fingers won’t be happy about it. Let us know how that works out for you.

Scorpio… Saturn is undulating at the moment. That spells trouble for you. Sometime, in the distant future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Live an Odor Free Life”. Only a few pheromone researchers will buy a copy. Sadness will consume you.

Sagittarius… Mars is upset because the Rover ran over its favorite rose bush. That’s not good for you. One day you will take a position as Drill Instructor at a Dental Academy. You will be known for your very strict demeanor and a dirty spit sink.

Capricorn… The Earth is in di-emotive mode now. That’s never good for a Capricorn. Sometime in the distant future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “Selling Body Hair for Fun and Profit”. Only a few dermatologists and a couple of barbers will buy a copy. You will not be happy about that.

Aquarius… Neptune is in its fourth house having the piano tuned. It’s going to cost a lot more than expected. That’s bad for you. In the future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Train Your Bunions”. Only a few podiatrists will buy a copy. You will walk away with nothing in your pockets but lint.

Pisces… Pluto is in its eight house cleaning up after a renter trashed the place. It’s not happy about that. It will mean trouble for you. Sometime in the distant future, you will teach people how to sniffle for fun and profit. It will be a noisy situation. Eventually it will drive you crazy.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR-SCOPE for the week of: Mar. 20th, 2016


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Hello all you lovers of lunatics, and lunar antics.

We have scoured the charts with Brillo pads and have come to several conclusions including; never use a Brillo pad on celestial charts.

This week’s offensive offerings include: rituals, palms, and the ever popular, platypus.

Enjoy…

Aries… Venus has a terrible hangover after attending a St. Patrick’s Day party. That portends problems for you. In the future, you will get lost in a complex that is so complex it will change your complexion. Let us know how that works out.

Taurus… The Earth is dexi-hedral to Taurus now. That’s never a good sign for a Taurus. One day, you will convince yourself that attending a mortuary school we’ll help you in your study of dead languages. Of course, in the end, it won’t. Unfortunately, you’ll quit your job working at a cemetery.

Gemini… Saturn is di-hedralating now. That’s never a good sign for a Gemini. Someday, you will visit a Pawn Shop in order to pawn yourself to get money for a palm reader. You’ll be thrown out of the place, ironically colliding with a palm tree. It will hurt on many levels.

Cancer… The Moon is in hyperplexic mode now. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will spend many months and years writing a book called, ”How To Get Rich With Rituals”. Only a few voodoo priests, and Dennis Miller, will buy a copy. You will not be happy. You will spin around 30 times while balancing a platypus egg on your nose.

Leo… The Sun is in helio-tropical mode now. That’s never good for a Leo. In the distant future, you will try to stop a train with a sweet refrain, but it will be in vain…and bloody. Ouch!

Virgo… Neptune is getting nauseous from a hyper-descent now. That is not good for a Virgo. One day, you will become confused. You will take a course in archeology in order learn how to draw perfect arcs. Of course, you will fail miserably. You’ll become depressed.

Libra… Uranus is di-plexic at this time. That’s not good for you. One day in the future, in an attempt to improve safety, you will petition the music industry to change all “sharps” to “dulls”. You will be ridiculed buy musicians everywhere. You will be sad and lonely for a long time.

Scorpio… Pluto is having problems because its gravitational pull wants to become a gravitational push. That’s not a good sign for a Scorpio. In the future, you will spend many months and years writing a book called, “Sleeping With Rats For Fun And Profit”. An animal psychologist will be your only customer. Angst will set in.

Sagittarius… Mercury is semi-progenic at this time. That’s not good for a Sagittarius. One day in the future, you’re attempts to leave on time will be in vain, when you’ll be detained, whilst trying to take a train in Maine. What a pain!

Capricorn… Venus is in tri-polemic mode now. That’s never a good sign for a Capricorn. In the future whenever you talk to someone, you’ll have the irresistible compulsion to say, ”I salivated today.” People will think you are weird and avoid you. You will be overcome with sadness.

Aquarius… Jupiter is rising at such a high rate that it’s becoming nauseous. That’s never a good sign for an Aquarius. In the future, you will shock the world of English teachers with your book called, “Pickerels As Pronouns”. Only a couple of fool hearty fisherman will buy a copy. You will not be happy.

Pisces … Mercury is semi-tangent to Pisces while on the cusp of Gemini. That’s never a good sign for a Pisces. In the future, your lover will buy you a new wedding band. You will like it at first, but hate it later when they continuously play loud, hard rock music, day and night. It will drive you crazy.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Feb. 21st, 2016


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Hi there people of Earth.

The charts have been scoured once again to glean the best of the best of predictions for your future.

Let me just say one thing. Pain is in the air.

This week’s pile of you know what includes: beer, taste buds, and the ever popular, lawn jockeys.

Enjoy

Aries… Uranus is trans-conjunctive now. That’s not a good sign for an Aries. In the future, you will be flashed by someone with a flashlight. You will not be happy about it… even though it will enlighten you.

Taurus… Saturn is semi-distal now. That foretells problems for you. In the future, your enemies will hijack your taste buds. The police will later find them scratched, dented, and abandoned in a bad part of town. Your insurance won’t cover the damages.

Gemini… Pluto is in his fourth house plagued with a bedbug problem. That’s bad for you. In the future, you will be too embarrassed to say the word harbinger in public. It will curtail your socializing.

Cancer… The Moon is in full phazer power at the moment, and running low on energy. That’s not a good sign for a Cancer. In the future you will either fall from grace, or get slapped in the face. In either case, it will not be pleasant. Much angst will follow.

Leo… The Sun is peri-hedral now. That’s never good for a Libra. In the future, you will take the day off to watch a baseball playoff. It will bore you to tears or cause you to dunk for leeches. Let us know how that works out.

Virgo… Mercury is trans-conductal at the moment. That’s never good for a Virgo. In the future you will awaken with a fear of beers, which will bring you to tears. Let us know how that works out for you.

Libra… Mars is sub-junctive at the moment. That’s never a good sign for a Libra. In the future you will create a new flavor jellybean called, “Wet dog rolled in crap”. Except for Dennis Miller, no one will buy them. You will lose all and become depressed.

Scorpio… The Earth is rising at to fast a rate. That’s not good for a Scorpio. In the future your paranoia will cause you to petition the government to require everyone who leaves their dwelling to have an Exit Visa. You will be ignored.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in semi-drexel mode now. That’s always bad for a Sagittarius. In the future, you will consult an electrician to convert your power strip into an exotic dancer. Let us know how that works out for you.

Capricorn… Venus is in its third house mopping up after a flood. It’s not going well. That’s bad for you. In the future you will spend many months and all your money writing a book called, “How To Tame a Truffle”. Only a few chefs will buy a copy. You won’t be happy about that.

Aquarius…Jupiter is post-phasing now. That’s always a bad sign. One day, in the future, you will start a foundation to provide race horses for all lawn jockeys. It will be a losing proposition.

Pisces… Neptune is rising when it’s supposed to be falling. That’s a bad sign for a Pisces. In the future, after considering the large number of things and people that vanish into thin air, you will lobby the government to make the air thicker. People will think you are weird and avoid you.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Feb. 7th, 2016


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Hello again seekers of love, truth, and the future.

The charts have been very kind to you this week.

The pain will only be minimal.

This week’s selections include, olives, Muppets, and the ever-popular…yak.

Good luck, and enjoy… if you can.

Aries… The Earth is semi-transitional now against Aries. That always brings problems. In the future, you will develop a new type of flying fish, which you will sell to the public. Unfortunately there will be a messy problem when the fish begin to molt. You will be ridiculed, and sued.

Taurus… Uranus is trans-subjunctive against Taurus now. That’s never a good sign. One day, you will tell everyone you care for that you love them is much as an olive pit. They will think you are weird and suggest therapy for you.

Gemini… Saturn is semi–trimodal now. That’s not good for a Gemini. In the future, a farmer will have you arrested for giving his Yak, cardi-yak arrest. It won’t end well for you.

Cancer…The Moon is Square and in opposition now to Cancer at this time. That portends problems for you. In the future, you will snuggle up with a slug. It will be cold and wet. You will feel very uncomfortable. You will smell awful. Like Dennis Miller.

Leo… The Sun is quasi–conjunctive against Leo now. That indicates trouble. In the future, your home will be filled with Oscars and Emmys. Unfortunately you will be arrested for stealing them and face jail time.

Virgo… Venus is tri-genital now and in opposition to Virgo. That’s always a bad sign. In the future, you will be develop the habit of sucking on a frozen dinners. People will think you are weird, and shun you.

Libra… Pluto is tri-hedril now against Libra and on the cusp. That’s never a good sign. One day, you will buy a shotgun from a Shogun and sell it to a showman. You will be arrested for selling firearms without a permit.

Scorpio… Mercury is quasi-oppositional now to Scorpio. That indicates problems for you. In the future, you will trip on a mop or get molested by a Muppet, in either case, it won’t end well.

Sagittarius… Mars is in its second ecliptic now against Sagittarius. That always brings problems. Someday in the future, whenever someone makes a comment, asks a question, or just engages in conversation, you will be compelled to say the following, ”Why is that relevant?” You will lose many friends.

Capricorn… Jupiter is square and in opposition to Capricorn. That is not good. One day, you will be famous for your Mildew Stew. Famous due to all the law suits against you. You will lose everything including the beef stock you used for the concoction.

Aquarius… Neptune is tri-lectic and on the cusp of Aquarius. That foretells problems. In the far future, your enemies will trap you in a box of bauxite. You’ll escape eventually, but you will smell like aluminum for a long time.

Pisces… Venus is di-crotic at this time against Pisces. That’s never a good sign. In the distant future, You will become an apologist for an anthropologist. It will be a boring and unrewarding job. Depression will set in.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Jan. 31st, 2016


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Good day you lovers of celestial sign language.

We’ve concocted another colossal collection of catastrophes for you.

This week’s list includes a pit, an eel, and the ever popular, cow chip.

Enjoy…

Aries… Saturn is in supra helial opposition to Aries now. That foretells problems. One day, you will encounter a polyglot or an epiglottis. No matter what happens, you will not have a good time.

Taurus… Neptune is in ultra coursification at this time. That will bring you problems. In the future, you will either stub your toe or meet someone who’s stubborn. In either case the outcome will be bad.

Gemini… Uranus is in hyper orbital diclusion now. That’s never good for a Gemini. One day, you will fall into a pit, or injure your pituitary. Either way, it will be painful.

Cancer… The Moon is in quadra-helial position now. That’s never good for you. In the distant future you will either injure your heel or get shocked by an electric eel. In either case you will scream in pain.

Leo… The Sun is in hyper-extension against the cusp of Leo at this time. That’s never a good sign for Leo. In the distant future you will have the idea that you should collect, then donate, all power strips to topless dance clubs. You will be ridiculed.

Virgo… Pluto is still suffering from a flea infestation. It’s not going well. That’s not good for you. One day in the future, you will blow a fuse or become confused. Either way, you’ll be in the dark for quite a while.

Libra… Mercury is in its third house suffering from a hangover after a cocktail party last night. That foretells problems for you. Someday in the future, people will not be pleased after you’ve sneezed. You will be ostracized, and categorized. You will feel very uneasy about it.

Scorpio… Uranus is in dihedral position now against Scorpio. That is not good. In the distant future, a gruesome gaggle of ghouls will grope you ‘till you gasp. Let us know how that works out.

Sagittarius… Saturn is supra conjunctive now with Sagittarius. That always brings problems. One day in the future, you will eat corn chips or cow chips. Either way, you will end up with terrible indigestion.

Capricorn… The Earth is moving toward a tri-diagonal cusp of Capricorn now. That always foretells problems. In the future, you will be aggravated by aiglets. It will be a terrible time in your life.

Aquarius… Mars is in sub-diurnal position now. That’s always a bad sign for an Aquarius. You will spend many months of writing and researching a book called, “How To Wiggle Your Way To Wealth”. You will only sell one copy of the book… to Dennis Miller. Oh well.

Pisces… Venus is in a subspace depression right now. That’s never a good sign. One day in the future, your enemies will toast you. You won’t be happy about it when you find out they didn’t butter you.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Jan. 17th, 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello you wonderful people of wonderment.

We have scoured the charts again for your dining and dancing pleasure.

Once again the celestial bodies are foreboding.

Hopefully, by now you’re getting used to it.

If not, you might want to seek the help of a witch doctor.

This week’s conglomeration contains zest, wasps, and the ever popular, puss.

Enjoy…

Ares… Pluto is in dual-quadrinal mode now. That’s not good for an Aries. In the future, you will feel and smell a lot better after you take the rotten eggs out of your underwear.

Taurus… Mercury is in fast acceleration now toward the cusp of Taurus. That’s never a good indicator. In the not too distant future your enemies will try to use you as zest in a soup recipe. It will be quite painful.

Gemini… Mars is in Hexi-oppositional mode now. That foretells problems for you. One day, you will meet an instigator or an alligator. In either case it won’t be a very good outcome for you.

Cancer… The Moon is trying to sell its seventh house but hasn’t had much luck. That’s a bad sign for a Cancer. One day in the future, you’re enemies will force you to handle a bag of live wasps while listening to an album buy Sting. Ouch!

Leo… The sun is tired of being the center of things. That’s not good for a Leo. One day, you will find a carbuncle on your favorite uncle. You will become nauseous after you suck out the puss. Yuck!

Virgo… The Earth is hexi-dimentional now. That will bring you problems. In the future you will try to convince the world that you can warm up some cold, hard, facts. People will think you are loony and avoid you.

Libra… Venus is in his third house dealing with some squatters. It’s not going well. That foretells problems for you. One day, you’re hair will suddenly become wavy. As a result, many surfers will bug you.

Scorpio… Uranus is semi-dimensional now. That’s never good for a Scorpio. One day, you will attempt to walk around the globe wearing just a rubber robe. It will be hot, sticky, and greatly uncomfortable.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in ultra-tri-modal position now. That’s a problem indicator for Sagittarius. In the future, you will become excessively wild over Oscar Wilde and Wiley Coyote. People will think you’re weird and shun you.

Capricorn… Jupiter is in oppositional alignment to Capricorn. That’s always a bad sign for a Capricorn. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Pick a Pig in a Poke for Fun and Profit”. Only a few pig farmers, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will become depressed.

Aquarius… The Earth is in its hexi-longitudinal axis now. That’s never good for an Aquarius. Someday you will suffer from uncontrollable shivers while sitting Shiva. You’ll be very uncomfortable.

Pisces… The moon is semi-quadrinal now. That’s not a good sign for a Pisces. In the future, your enemies will try to launch you into space so you could wish upon a star (actually on a star). Bring something warm to wear, (at least for a while).

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Jan. 10th, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello planet gazers.

Here’s this week’s gaggle of goodness for your gawking pleasure.

We have scoured the charts for the best of the worst for you.

We hope you enjoy this week’s predictions.

They include bauxite, truffles, and the ever popular underworld.

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is at an odd angle to Aries now. That is not a good sign. One day, you will meet a man who insists he’s Ulysses S. Grant. You will ask him to autograph a fifty-dollar bill. He will refuse to do it. Then he’ll run off with your money.

Taurus… Uranus is in die-quadral mode now. That for tells problems. In the future, when the weather is cold, before leaving your dwelling, you will sugar coat yourself. Dogs and cats will lick you silly.

Gemini… Mercury is in opposition to Gemini now. That’s never good. In the not too distant future, you will open a restaurant specializing in stuffed cabbage. You will stuff it with old tire shreddings. The Board of Health will close you down. You will lose everything, including your sanity.

Cancer… The Moon is in its ultra-quadrant position now. That will bring you problems. In the future you will tell everyone you know that it’s mandatory to giftwrap all bauxite. Eventually, you’ll be confined to a mental institution for observation.

Leo… The Sun is in double helix now. That’s never a good sign. One day in the future you will become disingenuous or disenchanted. Either way you will lose many friends. We hope you can cope.

Virgo… Mars is in Quadra-helic mode now. That’s always a bad sign for a Virgo. In the future you will spend many months researching and writing a book called, “How To Put Ruffles In Your Truffles”. Only a few chefs, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will become depressed.

Libra… Neptune is on the cusp of Libra and in opposition to it. That foretells problems. In the future, you will suffer from stage fright or a bat bite. Either way you’ll sweat a lot, and suffer much pain.

Scorpio… The Earth is in juxtaposition to Scorpio now. That’s never good for a Scorpio. In the future you will consult a dictionary when you begin having dizzy spells. People will think you’re weird and shun you.

Sagittarius… Venus is in juxta-tension at this time. That’s never good. One day you’ll have your picture on currency. Unfortunately it will be drawn by a three year old with a crayon, complete with missing teeth.

Capricorn… Saturn is in tri-poly mode now. That’s never good for a Capricorn. In the distant future you will try to sell underwear to creatures of the underworld. It will never work out for you. As a result you will become depressed.

Aquarius… Mercury is in ultra-tri-modal position now. That is not good for an Aquarius. One day you will swim the oceans looking for a “Sacred Seal”, only to be molested by sharks and killer whales.

Pisces… Venus is in juxta-tension at this time. That’s never good for a Pisces. One day you will try to sell bourbon to Berbers. You will be rejected. Depression will follow.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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