Welcome back lovers of lunacy.
We’re here with another week’s worth of horror.
It’s what you been waiting for, haven’t you?
This week’s conglomeration of confusion includes: acorns, lint, and the ever-popular hemorrhoids.
Aries… Uranus is in dialectic conjunction with Aries. That will only bring you problems. In the not too distant future, you will spend a lot of time and a lot of money to open a museum of lint. Only a few Laundromat executives will show up to observe your exhibits.
Taurus… Mercury is rising at an alarming rate, and in opposition to Taurus. That is not a good combination. In the future, your enemies will try to wrap you in bacon to promote you as a new snack food. They will fail, however you will be followed unmercifully by dogs and cats the rest of your life.
Gemini… Mars is in diametric mode now and on the cusp of Gemini. That is not a good combination. In the future, you will spend a lot of money and time opening a museum of toenail clippings. Only a few podiatrists will show up to look at your exhibits. From then on, things will seem dark and dreary to you.
Cancer… The Moon is rising and on the cusp of Cancer at this time. That is not a good combination. In the distant future, you will only carry on conversations with yourself. People will think you are strange. They will avoid you like they avoid Dennis Miller.
Leo… The Sun is in opposition to Leo, and in dissension at this time. That is a troubling sign. In the distant future, your enemies will dip you in chocolate. You will escape, but from that day on, people will have an urge to lick your face. You will not leave your home much afterwards.
Virgo… Pluto is in tri-geminal mode now and in opposition to Virgo. That’s not a good sign. In the future, you will have the uncontrollable urge to sit on flagpoles. You will spend a lot of time in jail. You will not be happy when you develop hemorrhoids.
Libra… In the not too distant future, you will paint yourself into a corner. Unfortunately for you, you will be using the non-dryable paint that you yourself have developed. You will spend a lot of time thinking about your folly.
Scorpio… The Earth is in tri-oppositional mode against Scorpio. That will only bring you misfortune. In the future, you will spend a lot of money and time opening a museum of warts. Only a few dermatologists will ever show up to view your exhibits. You will become depressed.
Sagittarius… Venus is square and in opposition to Sagittarius at this time. That’s definitely a bad sign. One day in the future, you will find yourself taking a selfie with a grizzly bear. Unfortunately, the photo will be taken while the bear is attacking. You will escape with minor injuries, but you will develop a fear of photos afterwards.
Capricorn… Mars is on the cusp of Capricorn and square with it. That portends problems for you. Sometime in the future, you will have a penchant for sucking acorns. Squirrels will follow you everywhere. People will think you are weird and shun you. Depression will set in.
Aquarius… Saturn is in hyper opposition to Aquarius at this time. That is never a good sign for an Aquarius. In the distant future, you will use the word repository in every conversation whether it is appropriate or not. People will think you are strange. They will avoid you. You won’t understand why that is happening.
Pisces… Neptune is in high declension at the moment. That’s not good for a Pisces. In the future, you will attempt to use a pogo stick to climb the steps of the Washington Monument. You will be arrested. No one will bail you out. You will not be happy.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh