Hi there, friends.
Once again we present, for your dining and dancing pleasure, Your HORROR-Scope for the upcoming week.
This week’s charts indicate events and encounters ranging from squirrels, to monkey polish.
Where do you buy monkey polish?
We don’t know. Maybe you do.
I hope you are ready for it, (the HORROR-Scope not the polish).
Aries… Jupiter is rising now to new heights in the solar system. This foretells bad news. In the future, you will strain yourself while making baby food. You will spend weeks in therapy.
Taurus… Uranus is square with Taurus at this time. In the future, you will become rich and famous with your family of singing squirrels. However, they will seek political asylum in Cuba, and leave you.
Gemini … Saturn is descending at this time. This foretells a bad outcome. In the future, you will spend years developing an air freshener, which will be shunned. Next time don’t call it, “The Scent of Sewer”.
Cancer … Mars is in its fifth house having some bathroom tile replaced. In the future, you will fail miserably at a new venture. You will design and make a line of formal attire for squirrels in the wild, but the EPA and PITA will block your efforts when they discover you are using real fur.
Leo… Venus is square with Leo now and in conjunction with the sun. This is a bad sign for you. In the future, you will become wealthy when you develop a shampoo and hair conditioner made from peanuts. However, your factory will be overrun with chipmunks and squirrels. You will go bankrupt and out of business
Virgo… Pluto is in its seventh house waiting for the solar police after it discovered a break-in. In the future, you will attempt to sell life insurance to sewer rats. It won’t go well for you. You will quit that job and seek employment as a nematode therapist.
Libra… The Earth is in conjunction with Libra now. This could be bad for you. In the future the police will stop your vehicle. They will search it and find what they believe is a stolen potholder, or some illegal pot. Either way the heat will be on. We hope you can deal with it.
Scorpio…The Sun is in opposition to Scorpio at this time. That foretells good news and bad news for you. In the future, you will make a fortune developing and selling monkey polish to organ grinders. But, you will lose all your money in lawsuits after several monkeys drink the fluid and dance themselves to death while listening to Dennis Miller on the radio.
Sagittarius…The Moon is trine with Sagittarius at this time. This foretells a bad business decision. In the future, you will try to make money knitting air tanks for SCUBA divers. However the wool will shrink causing a drop in air pressure. Your business will then go under.
Capricorn…Mercury is in its third house having a new phone system installed. In the not too distant future, you will jump at the chance to own a piece of history. An Egyptian will sell you a tomb in an attempt to get you involved in a pyramid scheme. You will lose a lot of money.
Aquarius …Mars is on the cusp of Aquarius now. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will develop a cereal called, Granny’s Granulated Grits. Unfortunately, you will go bankrupt when the FDA discovers that it’s made from number 8 sandpaper.
Pisces… Uranus is trine with Pisces now. That’s good and bad. In the future, you will gain fame and fortune when you develop the skill of juggling live squirrels. However, an animal rights group will sue you. That will cost you a lot of money ending your act.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved
Spider Stash Surprising
Family forced to flee home after deadly spiders found in bananas.
Father Jamie Roberts, 31, found hundreds of potentially deadly spiders in a bunch of bananas bought at the local shop.
A family was forced to flee their home and have it fumigated after hundreds of potentially deadly spiders were found in a bunch of bananas bought at the local shop.
Jamie Roberts, 31, spotted white patches of what he thought was mould covering the fruit. However, on closer inspection, he saw tiny legs and realised the bananas were hiding a nest of spiders.
He soon discovered the creatures had spread to other parts of his home.
Mr Roberts, a civil servant, said: "I knew something was wrong because then I noticed the white patches were all over the window sill and the curtains and I could see tiny legs and realised they were spiders.”
"At that point, I wasn't too concerned because I thought they looked dead. I was freaked out but I started to sweep the patches into the bin but then they all started moving.”
"It was like something out of a horror film because suddenly the window sill was moving with hundreds of these spiders."
The family called pest control and was told to immediately leave the house while it was fumigated.
Mr Roberts, his wife Crystal, 30, and their two children Georgina, seven, and five-year-old son Joshua, left their home in Hednesford, Staffordshire, on February 24.
The spiders have not been officially identified but the
family believe they could have been the world's most poisonous spider, the Brazilian wandering spider.
Guinness World Records lists the species as the most toxic spider on earth and its venom is said to be 30 times more powerful than that of a rattlesnake.
Humans bitten by one can suffer an irregular heartbeat, high blood pressure, vomiting and eventual death.
Mrs Roberts, who works for HMRC, bought the pack of bananas from the OneStop store near their home.
A OneStop Stores spokesman said an investigation was under way, adding it arranged for the family to stay in a hotel while the fumigation took place.
Found @ http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/10689098/Family-forced-to-flee-home-after-deadly-spiders-found-in-bananas.html
They found some spiders in fruit,
Those critters sure weren't cute,
They wanted the spiders to scoot.
Cause in England they couldn't shoot,
First they thought it was mold,
Within the bananas folds,
They thought the fruit was too old,
But then why was it sold?
They said the spiders were awful,
And may even be harmful,
They knew they had to be careful,
So they were really prayerful.
They called in some fumigators,
Who are real spider haters,
The things will be cleaned up later,
And sent back to the equator.
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved
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