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Your HORROR – scope for the week of April 14th, 2013


Hopefully you all survived last week’s observations and predictions.

This week brings a variety of prophecies from our critical analysis of the celestial sphere.

Things are moving fast out there.

It isn’t easy getting a grasp on things somewhat unpredictable at times.

Here’s our best look at things in our realm of the astronomical this week.

Aries…Jupiter is in opposition to Mars now. You should be on the alert for mad mannequin, a handsome harlequin, and something containing Gin.

Taurus… Venus is in retrograde after a traffic stop by the Solar Police. Your family won’t be happy when you try to make your watch dog into an alarm clock.

Gemini… The Earth is on the alert for another asteroid strike. You will have the uncontrollable urge to say the word “pungent” in public this week.

Cancer… Venus is suffering from excess gas. You will awaken to find that you have been juxtaposition-ed with yourself.

Leo… Mercury is on the cusp with Pluto. You will be mistaken for a Harpo Marx look alike.

Virgo…Saturn is polishing its rings at the moment. You will be temporarily be blinded but eventually you will find Anthracite.

Libra…Mars is on vacation in deep space at the moment.  If you aren’t careful you might just be trapped in a single panel cartoon with Dennis Miller.

Scorpio…The Moon is in retrograde now. You will awaken to find that you have been “Cartoonized”.

Sagittarius…Uranus is on the move and swerving to avoid a collision with a comet. You will soon discover that you are associated with a misguided Misogynist.

Capricorn…The Earth is square with Mars at the moment. You will awaken to find that you have been downsized.

Aquarius…Pluto is reconsidering changing orbits with Mars. Your family feels it’s time you stopped quoting lines from the Seinfeld Show during every conversation.

Pisces…Neptune is tuning up for a celestial concert in the Droxine Galaxy. That chimp you are dating is about to go ape over you.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.

Your HORROR – scope for the week of April 7th, 2013


Well, we made it through April Fool’s Day. Well, at least some of us did.

The Hoax gods were out in force this year.

Some people in New York City were convinced they were turned into turkeys so they began to stuff themselves before Mayor Bloomberg could stop them.

Others were convinced that the TV Show, “The Undead” ,was a reality show so they flocked to Washington DC to observe politicians in action.

Now, let’s get down to business.

Here are our predictions and prognostications for this week.

Good luck!

Aries…Neptune is whistling his way across the void of space.  Be cautious! This week, someone will try to index you.

Taurus… Venus is facing a law suit over a slip and fall accident. You will attracted to a parcel delivery person who thinks, “Out of the box”.

Gemini…  Mercury is considering switching orbits with Pluto so it can cool off for a while. You will suddenly realize that people visualize you in letterbox form.

Cancer… The Earth is waning at the moment. This week you will be mistaken for Chech and Chong, and Dennis Miller.

Leo… Uranus is anxious about an asteroid which may collide with it in the near future. Keep an eye out for pranksters this week. Someone wants to place a Post It Note on your posterior.

Virgo…Mars is square with Venus now.  You will awaken to find you are a Rodeo Clown facing a large angry bull which hates clowns after watching Stephen King’s, “IT”.

Libra… The Moon is a waning crescent at the moment. Good  news for you this week. You have a future as a Flea Circus Ringmaster.

Scorpio… Jupiter is trying to align itself with Mars to no avail. You will awaken to find your bed is infested with kleptomaniac kippers.

Sagittarius… Saturn is rearranging its rings this week. You should be on the alert for a sheik Sheik, a crooked creek, and a yellow beak.

Capricorn… Venus is square with Mars after a night of poker. You will be arrested by the Center for Disease Control if you continue to collect live Tsetse flies.

Aquarius… Neptune is rising now after a long and satisfying nap. This week stay away from all sardines, Sardis’s, and someone who’s sardonic.

Pisces… Pluto is resting comfortably now after a bout with the Black Hole flu. You will encounter a messy mist, a injured wrist, and a closed fist.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.

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