Hopefully you all survived last week’s observations and predictions.
This week brings a variety of prophecies from our critical analysis of the celestial sphere.
Things are moving fast out there.
It isn’t easy getting a grasp on things somewhat unpredictable at times.
Here’s our best look at things in our realm of the astronomical this week.
Aries…Jupiter is in opposition to Mars now. You should be on the alert for mad mannequin, a handsome harlequin, and something containing Gin.
Taurus… Venus is in retrograde after a traffic stop by the Solar Police. Your family won’t be happy when you try to make your watch dog into an alarm clock.
Gemini… The Earth is on the alert for another asteroid strike. You will have the uncontrollable urge to say the word “pungent” in public this week.
Cancer… Venus is suffering from excess gas. You will awaken to find that you have been juxtaposition-ed with yourself.
Leo… Mercury is on the cusp with Pluto. You will be mistaken for a Harpo Marx look alike.
Virgo…Saturn is polishing its rings at the moment. You will be temporarily be blinded but eventually you will find Anthracite.
Libra…Mars is on vacation in deep space at the moment. If you aren’t careful you might just be trapped in a single panel cartoon with Dennis Miller.
Scorpio…The Moon is in retrograde now. You will awaken to find that you have been “Cartoonized”.
Sagittarius…Uranus is on the move and swerving to avoid a collision with a comet. You will soon discover that you are associated with a misguided Misogynist.
Capricorn…The Earth is square with Mars at the moment. You will awaken to find that you have been downsized.
Aquarius…Pluto is reconsidering changing orbits with Mars. Your family feels it’s time you stopped quoting lines from the Seinfeld Show during every conversation.
Pisces…Neptune is tuning up for a celestial concert in the Droxine Galaxy. That chimp you are dating is about to go ape over you.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.