Love is in the air this week as the planets do some dirty orbiting with each other in space.
Aries… Your moon has reached its zenith. You will co–star in a movie with a gerbil and fall madly in love with it.
Taurus… Mars forgot Uranus’ birthday again this year. It could get nasty. Your partner will be happy when you dress up as a ferret for your upcoming anniversary.
Gemini… Mercury is angry with Venus over who misplaced the high SPF sun blocker. Pack your bags. You will elope with an Armenian hairdresser.
Cancer… Earth is in opposition with the second moon of Neptune. Your desire to win over a wombat at the local zoo will meet with success.
Leo… The Earth’s moon, Luna is ecliptic at the moment. It’s time for a new relationship, but first take the tuna fish out of your pockets.
Virgo… The sun is on the cusp of Phobos, a moon of Mars. You will be so fascinated with a car wash attendant, you’ll want to know every detail of his life.
Libra… Jupiter is aligned with the Earth this week. You will discover the rewards of divorce when you date a dromedary.
Scorpio… Uranus will be attending an AA meeting this week. You will be bored by a boar in your bedroom. Bring plenty of DVDs and popcorn.
Sagittarius… Jupiter’s great red spot will be mistaken for a wart. You will fall in love with a Polish conscientious objector and move to Krakow.
Capricorn… Aries and Taurus are crossed at the moment. You will date a radical racoon.
Aquarius… Neptune is nearing its tenth house. Your date with a mad masseuse will leave you feeling tired and greasy.
Pisces…Pluto is equilateral with Neptune’s moon Despina. Your encounter with a milkman will turn sour. You will seek the advice of Dennis Miller.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictionsare all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”