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Posts tagged ‘Bacteria’

Biggest Bowel Bacteria Baffling


Study Reveals American Intestinal Bacteria Most Obese In World!

SEATTLE—A study published Tuesday by the University of Washington revealed that the gastrointestinal bacteria of American citizens are the most obese in the world.

“We found that American intestinal microorganisms consume an unhealthy diet rich in sugars, fats, and processed foods, and as a result, tend to be severely overweight compared to international averages,” said researcher Benjamin Singh, highlighting electron microscope images of American Bifidobacteria cultures that showed their bulging plasma membranes and thick layers of internal cytoplasm.

“Indeed, most intestinal microbes residing in U.S. residents had difficulty propelling themselves around the GI tract with their flagella and spent most of their time ingesting saccharides in the same stationary position in the gut, which leaves them at high risk for chronic health problems and a shorter life cycle overall.”

Singh added that there was little hope of curbing the obesity epidemic in the near future, noting that most American intestinal bacteria live in areas where nutritious food options simply are not available.

Found at: http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-american-intestinal-bacteria-most-obese-in-w,34614/

Hmmm…

Americans have real big germs,
They got them on their fatty terms;
They can’t move around,
In places they’re found,
The thought of it all makes me squirm,

They’re gobbling up too many sweets,
From people who eat lots of treats;
They’re awfully obese,
From sugars and grease,
They really should watch what they eat.

They lie around down in the gut,
They seem to be in quite a rut;
They eat and get fat,
Enough said about that,
It’s something that we can’t rebut;

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Sucking Suggestion Spreads Sickness


CAUTION…Read this at your own risk!

The Onion News Reports the Following…

Centers For Disease Contraction Urges Americans To Suck Doorknob

WASHINGTON—

According to a report released Monday by the Centers for Disease Contraction and Preservation, Americans should suck on four to five doorknobs per day, especially doorknobs to public restrooms and doorknobs covered in a noticeable film of human hand grease.

“At the Centers for Disease Contraction, we are always looking for ways Americans can get sick and spread their illnesses effectively,” said CDC Director Dr. Benjamin Campbell, adding that by sucking on doorknobs citizens could increase their chances of acquiring infectious diseases and bacterial illnesses by 450 percent.

“So if you aren’t currently suffering from the common cold or the flu, we urge you to find a doorknob in a high-traffic area, place your mouth on it, and begin sucking. Suck on it for five minutes, stop, spit on your fingers, and then rub the contaminated saliva into your eyes and nose. Then breathe on as many people as possible. Repeat this process upwards of 10 times or until you experience fever, nausea, or sharp stomach pains.”

“This is an excellent way to make yourselves susceptible to numerous illnesses including acute gastroenteritis, toxoplasmosis, and trachoma,” Campbell continued. “Please, suck on dirty doorknobs. This is your health we’re talking about.”

Saying that their goal is to keep pathogens inside the body as long as possible so they are able to do as much damage as possible, Centers for Disease Contraction officials noted that the more bacteria, fungi, and viruses that enter the digestive system, the more likely it is for an individual to acquire a debilitating urinary tract infection, tuberculosis, or even mumps.

While the report didn’t say it was absolutely necessary, it strongly recommended “group spit mixing,” in which 15 to 20 individuals stand around one single doorknob—preferably on a McDonald’s or Starbucks restroom door—and take turns sucking on it.

If a doorknob is not immediately available, the CDC said Americans could also suck on subway car poles; subway car seats; boots; pets; discarded cigarette butts; sidewalks, specifically in places where gum is stuck to the ground; rabid animals; garbage; scuzzy pond water; dirt; sauce-splattered plates; the open sores of bed-ridden sick people; and welcome mats.

“If one wants to lick the inside of a fireplace for several hours in order to contract a high fever that leads to prolonged vomiting, that’s also okay, just as long as it’s a fireplace that hasn’t been cleaned in over 20 years and has a lot of cobwebs inside of it,” said a glassy-eyed and visibly pale CDC official. “We just know that doorknobs are readily accessible, and we want Americans to feel as if the contraction of harmful diseases can be easy and quick.”

Found at:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/centers-for-disease-contraction-urges-americans-to,34422/

Hmmm…

They want you to suck on a knob,

Leave spit on it just like a slob;

Once you get your fill,

It will make you ill,

Your heart will just flutter and throb.

A restroom knob may be the best,

Open wide; let germs do the rest;

Bacteria abound,

On knobs all around,

Not sure? Just put it to the test.

In time you will be a hurtin’,

Like something from old Tim Burton;

Swap spit, lick a seat,

The floor holds a treat,

It may be your final curtain.

This story just may be a hoax,

A cruel and horrible joke;

Who wants to die?

Is the human cry,

Lick a knob and you may just croak.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

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