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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Sept. 13th, 2015

horoscope chart







Welcome my fine, future-feathered friends.

It’s time for another round of pleasantly unpleasing prognostications.

Have you noticed, (in the US at least); the Halloween stores have already opened?

We’re getting close to our favorite time of the year when HORROR becomes fashionable.

Luckily for you, our faithful followers, HORROR has been a weekly event.

This week’s recipe for madness includes bananas, cavorting, and of course the ever-popular, mutton chops.


Aries… Uranus is in juxtaposing to Taurus now. That’s a bad indicator. In the future, you will establish a cult. You will wear a cloak and worship smoke. Many weed suckers will follow you. Unfortunately, the police will crack down on you and disband your group. Too bad.

Taurus… Mercury is in its seventh aspect at this time. That’s a terrible indicator. In the future, you will you will have a yearning to make more money. So, you will make moonshine in sunlight. Of course, the feds will find out and place you under arrest. You won’t even notice that because you will be drunk from tasting your concoctions. Too bad for you.

Gemini… Mars is post-urinal at this time. That’s never a good sign. In the distant future, you will spend many months and lots of cash researching and writing a book called, “How To Brainwash a Banana”. Only a few green grocers and one zoo keeper will buy a copy. You won’t be happy.

Cancer… The Moon is in half aspect now. That’s an indicator of future problems. In the not too future, you will open a car wash exclusively for “Meals On Wheels” recipients. It will fail and you will lose everything. Too bad for you.

Leo… The Sun is in tri-modal position now. That’s never a good sign. One day, you will devise a new language based upon birdcalls. But, you will abandon the idea shortly after you begin to molt. Sorry about that.

Virgo… Jupiter is in its seventh aspect at this time. Hmmm…that’s not too good for you. Someday, you will become a famous building contractor after you build a house made entirely of chicken bones and gristle. Unfortunately hyenas will devour it. You will lose everything.

Libra… Venus is in intri-quadrinal position now. That’s a bad indicator. In the future, you will get an infection, or have a government inspection. Either way, it won’t be a happy experience. Sorry about that.

Scorpio… Saturn is in half aspect now. That’s an indicator of future problems. In the distant future, you will spend many months and lots of cash researching and writing a book called “How To Cavort For Fun And Profit”. You will only sell one copy to someone named, Dennis Miller. So sorry!

Sagittarius… Neptune is bi-trinal now. That spells trouble. One day, you will leave your heart in San Francisco, and your spleen too. Medical bills will pile up quickly after your insurance company denies coverage. Your life will be in shambles. So sorry.

Capricorn… Uranus is tri-modal at this time. That’s never good. In the distant future, you will open a Children’s’ Restaurant called “Peanut Butter And Jelly Fish”. Mothers will shun it. The local Board of Health will quickly shut it down. You’ll lose everything. Sorry.

Aquarius… The Earth is in half aspect now. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will open a mutton chop locator service. It will be a hairy experience which you abandon in a short time.

Pisces… Mars is tri-modal at this time. That will bring you misfortune. In the somewhat distant future, your enemies will attempt to bottle you. It will be a sloppy, and harrowing experience.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Spider Stash Surprising

BANANA_SPIDER2_2848268b family


Family forced to flee home after deadly spiders found in bananas.

Father Jamie Roberts, 31, found hundreds of potentially deadly spiders in a bunch of bananas bought at the local shop.

A family was forced to flee their home and have it fumigated after hundreds of potentially deadly spiders were found in a bunch of bananas bought at the local shop.

Jamie Roberts, 31, spotted white patches of what he thought was mould covering the fruit. However, on closer inspection, he saw tiny legs and realised the bananas were hiding a nest of spiders.

He soon discovered the creatures had spread to other parts of his home.

Mr Roberts, a civil servant, said: "I knew something was wrong because then I noticed the white patches were all over the window sill and the curtains and I could see tiny legs and realised they were spiders.”

"At that point, I wasn't too concerned because I thought they looked dead. I was freaked out but I started to sweep the patches into the bin but then they all started moving.”

"It was like something out of a horror film because suddenly the window sill was moving with hundreds of these spiders."

The family called pest control and was told to immediately leave the house while it was fumigated.

Mr Roberts, his wife Crystal, 30, and their two children Georgina, seven, and five-year-old son Joshua, left their home in Hednesford, Staffordshire, on February 24.

The spiders have not been officially identified but the
family believe they could have been the world's most poisonous spider, the Brazilian wandering spider.

Guinness World Records lists the species as the most toxic spider on earth and its venom is said to be 30 times more powerful than that of a rattlesnake.

Humans bitten by one can suffer an irregular heartbeat, high blood pressure, vomiting and eventual death.

Mrs Roberts, who works for HMRC, bought the pack of bananas from the OneStop store near their home.

A OneStop Stores spokesman said an investigation was under way, adding it arranged for the family to stay in a hotel while the fumigation took place.

Found @


They found some spiders in fruit,
Those critters sure weren't cute,
They wanted the spiders to scoot.
Cause in England they couldn't shoot,

First they thought it was mold,
Within the bananas folds,
They thought the fruit was too old,
But then why was it sold?

They said the spiders were awful,
And may even be harmful,
They knew they had to be careful,
So they were really prayerful.

They called in some fumigators,
Who are real spider haters,
The things will be cleaned up later,
And sent back to the equator.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

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