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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Aug. 31st, 2014


astrology

 

 

Hello friends of the unknown and unexpected.

Another week has flown by at supersonic speeds.

It’s time for another round of predictions for your enjoyment and wonder.

This week they range from toffee to gingerbread, and bunnies to bugs.

We hope you can make it through the week after you learn what’s in store for you.

Here we go…

Aries… Neptune is in its fifth house making arrangements for card party. Be cautious. You will either eat sticky, sloppy toffee, or spill some hot coffee in your lap. It could go either way. In any case, a stain will result.

Taurus… Mercury is rising steadily now, but at a snails pace in space. Use caution. In the future, you will slam your knee into a fireplug, or get bit by a nasty bug. Either way you’re in for some awful pain.

Gemini… The Earth is in its seventh house cooking dinner for some friends. This may sound cliché, but one day, you will take a long walk down a short pier then peer into a beer for a little cheer.

Cancer… Mars is on the cusp of Cancer at the moment. In the future, your sworn enemies will manipulate you. Then they will call you a fraud. Afterwards, they’ll stick you with a cattle prod, one by one. Ouch! Then again, they may force you to listen to The Dennis Miller radio show.

Leo…The Sun is in transit now looking for some shade. In the not too distant future, you will fall in love with the scent of skunk. You will become rich and famous when you turn that smell into cologne. Veterinarians and politicians will especially love it. But your friends and family will avoid you.

Virgo… Neptune is on the cusp of Virgo at this time. In the future, you will earn a fist full of money for doing something funny with a crazy bunny and some sticky honey. Or, you might get arrested for animal cruelty. Either way, fur will fly.

Libra… Mercury is in its second house dusting its chotskies. Be careful with whom you associate. Your enemies want to throw you into a pit of shame.

Scorpio… Venus is trine with Scorpio at the moment. We have good news and maybe some bad news. Be sure to step gingerly. In the future, you will eat some gingerbread or trip and fall on a gingerbread house. It could go either way. In any case, you will make a small child unhappy.

Sagittarius…The Moon is in its third house mooning Sagittarians. You certainly are a clever one. In the distant future, you will become extremely greedy. Then you will break a treaty with someone’s sweetie using only graffiti.

Capricorn… Saturn is square with Capricorn now. In the future, you will mistakenly bring catnip and kitty litter to a catfish dinner. The smell will be awful. Your friends will remind you to bring fresh litter if you are ever invited there again.

Aquarius… Jupiter is in its sixth house washing the floors. Be on extra high alert. Your enemies are planning to shoot you out of a canon into Never Never Land or Dennis Miller’s backyard depending on their aim.

Pisces… Pluto is in its fifth house building a doghouse for itself. In the future, you will have a devil of a time making snow angels.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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