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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Aug 21st, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello again, dear devoted readers of this blog.

Thanks for hanging in there while we were on a long anticipated vacation.

We are now thoroughly rested.

And, totally invested… in Your HORROR – Scope.

This week’s antics include: chicken necks, gnats, and the ever popular…diarrhea.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Earth is in semi-co-ordinal phase now. That’s usually a bad sign for an Aries. Sometime in the future, you will open a museum of caves. People will think you are batty. You won’t be happy about that.

Taurus… Uranus is in half diametric mode now. That foretells problems for you. In the future you will be obsessed with using the word “unguentine” in all your conversations. People will think you are weird and avoid you.

Gemini… Mercury is in quadralinial position now. That’s a bad position for a Gemini. The future, you’ll describe everything and everyone you like using the phrase, “That’s real shed” or “He/he’s real shed”. We’re sure you get the point. You will end up in a psychiatric clinic for observation.

Cancer… The Moon is in its waning gibbous phase but wants to be waxing. That portends problems for you. In the future you will spend all your money to open a museum of guttural sounds. Only a few linguists will visit it. You will be ashamed. You will walk away mumbling.

Leo… The Sun is in di-burfication mode now. That’s not good for a Leo. In the future you will spend all your money to open a restaurant called, The Barf. Except for a few bulimics, you won’t get many customers. You will shut the place down within a month. You will lose all.

Virgo… Mars is on the cusp of Virgo, but in retrograde now. That’s a bad sign for a Virgo. In order to compete with the chicken wings craze in food, you will do something entirely different. You will open a chicken neck restaurant. It will fail when The Society Against Chicken Neck Consumption (SACNC) sues you and wins in court.

Libra… Venus is in cross-sublimation mode now. That’s not good for a Libra. One day in the future, you will start a fund raising campaign to clean up the oceans. Your funding will stop when contributors realize you’re going to do it…1 gallon at a time.

Scorpio… Jupiter is on the cusp of Scorpio but misaligned with Mars. That always results in problems for a Scorpio. People will think you are crazy when you begin to write notes to yourself… on your forehead.

Sagittarius… In the distant future, you will find yourself asking people for just an hour of their time…thinking you will live longer. You will be labeled as a fool by everyone. You will not be happy.

Capricorn… Pluto has a plan to import billions of tons of space dust in order to increase its size, thereby becoming a regular planet again. It will fail. So will you. In the future, you will spend lots of time and money researching and writing a book called, “The Diarrhea Diaries”. Your friends and relatives will tell you that you are just throwing your money down the toilet. You will ignore them until you realize you aren’t selling any books. Depression will set in.

Aquarius… Saturn is rising at an alarming rate and is getting lightheaded. That’s not good for an Aquarius. In the future, you will finally achieve your dream of becoming a corn stalk waxer. Have fun with that.

Pisces… Neptune is square with Pisces now but on the cusp of Aquarius. That is not a good combination for a Pisces. One day in the future, you will start a foundation and beg for money to “Save the Gnats.” Unfortunately you will fail in your attempt. You will become depressed and lonely, like Dennis Miller.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: June 19th, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello fellow stargazers and hog raisers.

It’s time again for another reading of the charts.

We scoured them, we scrubbed them, we soaked them, but they still turned out bad.

This week’s readings include: chickens, cowboys, and the ever-popular…sideshow.

Have fun.

Try not to scream… too loudly.

Aries… The Earth is in diagonal-oppositional mode at this time. That’s not good for an Aries. In the future, you will reach a happy medium in life, but the medium will eventually become depressed and will be horrible to live with. You will spend the rest of your days in sadness and regret.

Taurus… Venus is in opposition and square with Taurus now. That indicates trouble for you. In the future, you will awaken to find you have grown four more elbows. You will eventually lose your job. You will take side jobs at a sideshow to make ends meet. It will be very difficult for you.

Gemini… Mars is in hyper-eclectic mode now. That portends trouble for you. In the future, you will begin a new venture. You open up a new business. You will become a world re-nowned chicken groomer. People will flock to your place of business. Unfortunately, you’re successful be short-lived. You partner in life will become jealous and do nothing but henpeck you for the rest of your days.

Cancer… The Moon is in semi-lunacity mode now. That’s always bad for a Cancer. Sometime in the distant future, your enemies stir up trouble. They will try to saddle you after they horseshoe you. You won’t like it bit; especially after they take tight reign over you and force you to enter horse races. Eventually you will end up with saddle sores and sore muscles. It will be painful.

Leo… The Sun is in peri-hedrinal mode now. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will meet a cowboy who will suddenly turns into a cowman. You will try to steer clear of him, but he will always find you. Your life will be miserable after you get saddled with all the unpaid bills he has accumulated. He will milk you for all you got.

Virgo… Pluto is trying to get a publicity photo taken, but it’s not having any luck. That’s bad for you. Someday in the future, you will fall in love with a rowdy Rodeo Clown. The two of you will horse around a lot and get into a lot of trouble. The two of you will end up in jail for a time. That’s no bull!

Libra… Saturn is in retrograde against Libra now. That’s unfortunate for you. In the distant future, you will become very popular. You will have many dates…then figs…then prunes. You will spend a lot of time in the restroom with Dennis Miller.

Scorpio… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars at this time. That’s always an unfortunate sign for a Scorpio. In the somewhat distant future, you will see many open doors or saddle sores. In either case, it won’t work out well for you. Your success will hinge on your attitude. Depression will set in. You’ll become sad and lonely. You will feel locked out of life.

Sagittarius… Mercury is in a double-helixical mode now against Sagittarius. Too bad for you. In the future, you will be out jumped by a jump drive. It will be an embarrassing situation. People will lose confidence in your athletic abilities. That will take a real byte out of you. It will sadden you.

Aquarius… Neptune is in high angular motion at this time. That will only bring you trouble. In the future, you will be arrested by the grammar police for the flagrant use of alliteration. Eventually, you will be bailed out by a bailiff chewing on a bay leaf in Bayonne. You’ll be a changed person afterwards.

Pisces… Venus is in lower aspect now against Pisces. Trouble is in your future. In the not too distant future, you will tell everyone you meet a new joke you developed. It goes like this: Did you hear about the skydiver who landed on Broadway? He was thrown out of the show when he got his lines all crossed up. You won’t get very many laughs. In fact, you get thrown out of most places after telling it.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Apr. 3rd, 2016


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Good day, seekers of truth and tomorrow.

Once again we offer this week’s selection of future events.

The list includes: a wife, a contractor, and, the ever popular chicken.

We hope you enjoy, and endure.

See you next week with a whole new crop of cacophony.

Aries… Saturn is bipolar at the moment. That’s never a good sign, particularly for an Aries. In the future, you will spend many months writing a book called, ”How to Make Anchors Out of Ankles.” You will only sell one copy. A retired seaman will buy it. You will feel as though you wasted your life away.

Taurus… Uranus is petulant at the moment. That’s not good for a Taurus. In the future, you will forget the distinction between a summary and a samurai. Your speech will be cut short as a result. Ouch!

Gemini… Mercury is on the cusp of Gemini and in retrograde. That’s never a good sign for Gemini. In the distant future, you we’ll be involved with a wife or a knife. In either case, your heart will ache as a result.

Cancer… The Moon is both waning and whining now. That’s never a good sign for a cancer. In the distant future, you will be convinced that buying a knapsack will help you sleep better. You will be mistaken… and ridiculed. Some days you will be happy, just being sad.

Leo… The Sun is in di-hedral mode now. It’s never a good sign for a Leo. In the future, you will feel terrible and exhausted after you spend many nights on a day bed.

Virgo… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars at the moment. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will suddenly realize that you’ve spent many frivolous days and nights wondering why the chicken crossed the road. You will feel embarrassed and ashamed.

Libra… Mercury is in its fourth house dealing with a solar rat problem. It’s not going well. That’s not good for you. In the distant future, you will seek the help of a contractor when you realize you have fallen arches. You will not be happy when he nails your feet to the floor. It will hurt a lot. We hope you have good health insurance. You’re going to need it.

Scorpio… Neptune is rising at an accelerated rate, but should be falling at this time. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will undergo hypnosis to try and cure halitosis. It will not work. But, you will have the urge to cluck like a chicken whenever the television is on. Afterwards, you will start an egg business.

Sagittarius… The Earth is in opposition to Sagittarius and at an odd angle. That foretells trouble for you. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How to Make Whiskers Whistle”. Only a few barbers, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will be discouraged.

Capricorn… Venus is in tri-modal mode. That’s never good for a Capricorn. Sometime in the future, you will experience turpitude or turpentine. In either case, it will be a harrowing experience.

Aquarius… In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “Be Alliterate Not Illiterate”. Only a few English teachers will buy you a copy. You will feel as though you wasted your time and effort.

Pisces… Neptune is descending into a sea of depression right now. And it will miss the cusp of Pisces. That’s never a good sign for a Pisces. One day in the future, you will lose hair or lose face. Either way it won’t be a pleasant experience. People will shun you. Let us know how that works out.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – SCOPE for the week of: Mar.13th, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello fellow earthlings.

Once again we present this weeks collection of chaos.

The charts have been read.

The chickens are fed.

We’ve drummed up some dread.

To play with your head.

This weeks predictions include, a Samurai, Evil Knievel, and the ever popular… pantyhose.

Enjoy…

 Aries… Uranus is yearning to be on the cusp of Aries, but can’t. That portends trouble for you. In the future your enemies will try to brainwash you in a local Laundromat. They won’t succeed, but they will rob you of all your quarters.

Taurus… Saturn is di-genital now. That’s never a good sign for a Taurus. In the future, you will study to become an artist in order to produce abstract watercolor paintings of Evil Kneivel’s underwear. Years later you will realize the folly of your efforts. You will suffer from depression.

Gemini… Venus is in its third house getting ready for a St. Patrick’s Day party. But, it’s having trouble getting the beer the right shade of green. That’s always a bad sign. In the future your enemies will attempt to pawn your palms. They will be unsuccessful but your hands will hurt a lot.

Cancer… The Moon is quadra-helial mode now. That’s not a good sign for a Cancer. In order to get into a circus, you will try to out do their sword swallowers by swallowing an actual Samurai Warrior. You will fail in your efforts and walk away in disgrace.

Leo… The Sun is dexi-helio mode now. That’s always a bad sign for a Leo. In the future, you will strain your back lifting a backdrop. It will be aggravating and painful. No medication will help.

Virgo… Mars is suing the Mars Bars Corporation for trademark infringement. It’s not going well for the red planet. That’s bad for you. In the future, you will suffer when you eat some sulphur for supper. Yuck!

Libra… Mercury is getting tired of being hot all the time. That’s not a good sign for a Libra. In the future, you will get gored while riding a skateboard. It will hurt tremendously. You will seek medical help, settling on a quack doctor who will make your condition worse.

Scorpio… Saturn’s rings are ringing and it’s very annoying. That’s a terrible sign for a Scorpio. In the future, you will dress up as a clown, then do an impression of James Brown. People will think you are weird and avoid you.

Sagittarius… Pluto is suffering from heartworms at the moment. It’s not going well. That’s bad for you. In the future, you will tell the world that Fractionality is the key to all knowledge and understanding. You will attract many followers, but later they will leave you when they realize you don’t know what you’re talking about, kind of like, Dennis Miller.

Capricorn… The Earth is preparing for St. Patrick’s Day, but it can’t find enough shillelaghs to satisfy itself. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will fall in love with a proctologist. The romance will result in a bad ending for you.

Aquarius… Jupiter is bi-coaxial now. That’s never a good sign for an Aquarius. In the future, and you will invest all of your savings in a factory to produce pantyhose for hens. You will lose all when you realize the chickens will only pay for them with eggs. Besides that, the hosiery will run.

Pisces… Venus is upset because it can’t get its cloud cover to turn a proper shade of green for St. Patrick’s Day. That’s not a good sign for a Pisces. In the future, you will be known for your sharp wit. Unfortunately you will cut yourself with it and bleed profusely.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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