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Your HORROR – scope for the week of: Dec 22nd, 2013


This is the last horror-scope before Christmas.

We here at Horror-scope Central wish you all, the best of everything for the holidays.

May you spend these days with in joyful happiness with your loving family and friends.

In the meantime, enjoy this week’s prognostications.

We hope the charts have been good to you.

Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is trine with Aries at this time. You will awaken to find everyone at the national bowling tournament watching you…the head pin.

Taurus… Saturn is rising this week. Your love life will heat up when you start using pepper spray as a breath freshener.

Gemini… Neptune is descending at the moment. This week your interest will lie in the diabolic, something hyperbolic, and/or an alcoholic.

Cancer… Pluto is on the cusp with Cancer at this time. Beware of a sneaky snooper, a pooper scooper, and/or something really super.

Leo… The Earth is rising at the moment. You will soon be stuck in a return line. (Not in a department store.) In your air conditioning system.

Virgo… Venus is descending now. You will gain fame and fortune for your ability to be dubious at best.

Libra… The Moon is waning at this time. You will be caught cheating at checkers. As punishment, you will be forced to listen to Dennis Miller in Gaelic for several days.

Scorpio… Mars is in retrograde at the moment. You will be invaded by an army of armchairs from a nearby armory.

Sagittarius… Pluto is rising at the moment. You will be stalked in a stock yard by Stockard Channing.

Capricorn… The Sun is in its seventh house and approaching a cusp with Capricorn. You should know that with few exceptions, you cannot buy spreadsheets at a linen outlet.

Aquarius… Mercury is in its fifth house making preparations for a New Years Eve party. Keep your eyes wide open for a certain business card, a pound of lard, and/or a cross crossing guard.

Pisces… Saturn is approaching its perigee at this time. Be alert for a large snow drift ,a geographical rift and/or a paradigm shift.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Tiny Tree Triumphs


3-Foot-Tall Christmas Tree Really Completes Incredibly Depressing Apartment

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—

Noting that the sad little seasonal addition really seemed to “pull the place together,” local resident Jason Uhlir, 28, was reportedly pleased Tuesday by the way his newly purchased 3-foot-tall Christmas tree completed the unbelievably depressing look of his one-bedroom apartment.

“I had this bleak, empty corner between my stained secondhand futon and the slanting bookshelf where I keep my six DVDs, so I thought it might be nice to put a misshapen, pathetically under-decorated Christmas tree there,” said Uhlir, noting how the shabby miniature pine with its two ornaments and single pitifully draped strand of colored lights really “tied together nicely” with the ratty, soiled towel he placed beneath the tree and the nearby blinking internet router and tangle of Ethernet cords in the middle of the floor.

“I kind of had my own vibe going on in here with my completely blank, bare walls and oppressive fluorescent overhead lighting, so I didn’t know how a Christmas tree would look. But I have to say that this miserable little decoration and the pile of needles accumulating around it have really put the utterly dispiriting atmosphere of my apartment over the top.”

Sources noted that Uhlir’s living room was only one embarrassing, shoddily wrapped Christmas present away from pulling off that hands-down, blow-your-brains-out wretched look.

Found@:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/3foottall-christmas-tree-really-completes-incredib,34834/

Hmmm…

A tiny woeful Christmas tree,
Is something for the world to see,
It sits alone on a wooden floor,
The owner couldn’t ask for more.

It has a few scarce ornaments,
To look at it makes me lament,
The tinsel hangs on spiny arms,
But it exudes its lovely charms,

The tree is only three foot tall,
But it stands proud against a wall,
There is no star to adorn the thing,
Or angles with their heavenly wings.

There is but one small string of lights,
To make the drab room somewhat bright,
A small stained towel surrounds its base,
The sight brings smiles to the owners face.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Sleazy Santa Seized


HANOVER, MA—

Bad Santa’ arrested for pinching elf’s bottom!

Mall Santa denies attack on 18-year-old woman dressed as an elf.

A man employed to dress as Father Christmas in an American shopping mall has been arrested after he allegedly groped the bottom of a female co-worker as she walked past his chair.

Herbert Jones, 62, is alleged to have pinched the bottom of the 18-year-old woman, who was playing the part of an elf photographer in a grotto in Hanover, in Massachusetts.

The victim also claimed Mr. Jones told her, “I wish you were a few years older and I was younger.”

Following the incident last weekend, Mr. Jones is now facing charges for indecent assault and battery on a person over the age of 14.

He denies the allegations, telling police: “I did not touch that girl.”

Mr. Jones, (who has a bushy white beard), and the alleged victim are employed by Cherry Hill Photos.

“We have been made aware that an allegation of improper conduct has been lodged against the person portraying Santa at Hanover Mall by another employee working at the Santa photography concession,” Cherry Hill Photos said in a statement. “This allegation has been denied by the individual portraying Santa.”

A judge has ruled that Mr. Jones cannot work as a Santa Claus while out on bail.

He is due back in court on Christmas Eve.

Found @: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/10477178/Bad-Santa-arrested-for-pinching-elfs-bottom.html

Hmmm…

They caught a bad Santa for pinching,
He did it without even flinching;
He pinched a young elf,
Now he’s on the shelf,
He might have been better off Grinching.

He was shortly thereafter arrested,
Of course, the old pervert protested;
I am without fault,
In this phony assault,
The charge will now be contested.

The guy is now out on bail,
Instead of sitting in jail,
The bearded old jerk,
Is now out of work,
As a Santa he certainly failed.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

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