This is the last horror-scope before Christmas.
We here at Horror-scope Central wish you all, the best of everything for the holidays.
May you spend these days with in joyful happiness with your loving family and friends.
In the meantime, enjoy this week’s prognostications.
We hope the charts have been good to you.
Aries… Uranus is trine with Aries at this time. You will awaken to find everyone at the national bowling tournament watching you…the head pin.
Taurus… Saturn is rising this week. Your love life will heat up when you start using pepper spray as a breath freshener.
Gemini… Neptune is descending at the moment. This week your interest will lie in the diabolic, something hyperbolic, and/or an alcoholic.
Cancer… Pluto is on the cusp with Cancer at this time. Beware of a sneaky snooper, a pooper scooper, and/or something really super.
Leo… The Earth is rising at the moment. You will soon be stuck in a return line. (Not in a department store.) In your air conditioning system.
Virgo… Venus is descending now. You will gain fame and fortune for your ability to be dubious at best.
Libra… The Moon is waning at this time. You will be caught cheating at checkers. As punishment, you will be forced to listen to Dennis Miller in Gaelic for several days.
Scorpio… Mars is in retrograde at the moment. You will be invaded by an army of armchairs from a nearby armory.
Sagittarius… Pluto is rising at the moment. You will be stalked in a stock yard by Stockard Channing.
Capricorn… The Sun is in its seventh house and approaching a cusp with Capricorn. You should know that with few exceptions, you cannot buy spreadsheets at a linen outlet.
Aquarius… Mercury is in its fifth house making preparations for a New Years Eve party. Keep your eyes wide open for a certain business card, a pound of lard, and/or a cross crossing guard.
Pisces… Saturn is approaching its perigee at this time. Be alert for a large snow drift ,a geographical rift and/or a paradigm shift.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.