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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Dec. 16th 2012


The Celestial Sphere is still under the influence of the holiday season. Enjoy…

 

Aries… Mars is out gift shopping now. Beware! You will fly in a frenzy with a floozy.

Taurus…The moon is still deciding what gift to get the Earth. You will stop acting agitated when you remove the hedgehog from your underwear.

Gemini… Saturn is busy gift wrapping now. You will become world famous when you teach your knees how to sneeze.

Cancer… Neptune is having an argument with a merchant over a bad credit card. Stay away from poetry until you fully understand the concept of rhyming.

Leo… Pluto is hoping Santa will make it’s wish come true. It wants to be called a planet again. Remember, don’t get your child a pony. Get a pummel horse. It’s less trouble.

Virgo… The Earth is getting ready for Santa’s ride. Your idea for a theme park based on parallel bars won’t go very far.

Libra… Mercury is out of money and can’t buy Mars a gift. You will have the urge to rent out your pelvis this week. We advise you to wait for a more favorable time to do that.

Scorpio… Neptune is trine with the North Pole now. Unless you like slime, The Visible Slug Doll is a bad idea for an educational toy.

Sagittarius… Venus is finished gift shopping and feels pretty good about it. You will have the urge to coddle a collie while having a cup of coffee with Dennis Miller.

Capricorn… Mars is on the cusp Your idea for an all fiber glass diet will make people cringe.

Aquarius… Saturn is in opposition to Mars again. You will throw away all your duffle bags when you realize you don’t have any duffles.

Pisces… Uranus is square with itself this week. Stay away from all toilet seats. They are out to get you in the end.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Here’s something to chew on.


This is a piece by guest blogger, Woody Brooks.

I met my friend Ralph again today. We usually meet every ­­­Sunday morning at a local coffee shop. We shoot the breeze over a couple of double mocha lattes and donuts. He likes the apple filled, I prefer the chocolate iced.

Ralph’s old and alone. He likes to talk, joke and poke fun at people.

Today, he was proud as could be. He flashed me the biggest smile I can remember. I couldn’t believe my eyes. His rather large lips parted like a stage curtain on opening night, only up and down, not sideways. They revealed a new set of dentures. Not the ordinary kind that you see in ads on television or in dentists offices. These baby’s were authentic Billy Bob teeth. If you don’t know what Billy Bob teeth are, look it up. You may like them too.

“They’re certainly eye catching,” I said.

“You’re right, Woody. I can’t keep the woman away from me since I started wearing ’em.”

“Really?”

“Cross my heart, it’s true. You like ’em? I mean the teeth, not the women.”

“Outside of the fact they look like a fence with a couple of boards missing, they’re all right. Do you actually use them, or is this another one of your put-ons?”

He laughed. “Put-on? Dentures? You like put ’em on? That’s funny.”

“Thanks, Ralph.”

“Guess where I got ’em?”

“I don’t know. Denture World, Dentures R Us? The Bass Pro Shop?”

“No. I got ’em at the dollar store in the Palmetto Mall. It’s the place with all the abandoned stores, except for that Dollarama, Spencer’s Gifts and Hot topic.”

“I know the place.”

Guess what I paid for ’em?”

I had to be careful. Ralph had a way with trick questions.

“You mean the women or the teeth?

“The teeth you idiot.”

“I’d say you paid about a dollar seven.”

“Clever boy, I thought I’d catch you on the sales tax. You’re too smart for me. Can’t fool college people.”

“You’d be surprised how often college grads get fooled every day by the government alone.”

“I hear you.”

“What  made you buy Billy Bob’s in the first place? You have your own set of choppers from that DDS in Winter Garden.”

“Well just between us, those dentures  never fit right. They were loose. They clacked like a duck’s bill. They made my eyes tear up whenever I bit into an ear of sweet corn or a hard nut. But, these Billy Bob’s fit just great. No clacking. No ducks following me around anymore. I can even bite into an apple like they do in those TV commercials about that Polident glue. And, they’re cheap. I bought a  dozen of them, just in case.”

“Just in case?”

“In case I swallow ’em, or sit on ’em or lose ’em, or something.”

“Swallow them?”

“You never know. I was a boy scout. I have to be prepared for anything.” He showed me another set of Billy’s still in their blister pack, and his official Boy Scouts of America membership card dated June 1st, 1942.

“Are you sure these are safe to put into your mouth?”

“Why wouldn’t they be safe, amigo?”

“They were made in China. There is a warning on the back which says these teeth should not be put into your mouth. There’s also a choking warning for kids under three. And, the teeth fall apart when wet.”

“Yeah, nice try, but I’m not buying any of that.”

“It’s true. See for yourself. There’s also a warning about lead paint used in the manufacturing of the teeth.” I gave him the package.

“Lead schmed. I like ’em, and I’m gonna use ’em. You can’t talk me out of it.”

We sat there for a while in cool silence, eating our sugar laden breakfast treats and sipping hot coffee.

Ralph sprung up from his seat. “Son of a…”

“What’s wrong buddy? You okay?”

“I just swallowed my Billy Bob’s. They dissolved like a sugar cube. I bet the hot java had something to do with it. I’ll probably die from lead poisoning. I’m going to sue this joint for everything they got, like that woman who spilled hot coffee in her lap.”

“Take it easy. Remember the warnings on the package? Your claims wouldn’t have a chance in court.”

“I think I’m going to be sick.” He ran to the restroom. Dozens of curious faces followed Ralph’s roaring rush.

Henrietta, the manager, came over to me. “Is Ralph all right? ”

“He’ll be okay. He just swallowed his Billy Bob teeth.”

“Not again. I warned him about them two days ago.”

I laughed. “When he comes out, tell him I’ll see him next week.”

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