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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Sept. 27th, 2015


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome back friends of the future.

Once again, we here at, HORROR-Scope Central, have scoured the charts in search of the latest interpretations to tickle your fancy.

We have compiled the latest list of prognostications guaranteed to satisfy even the most skeptical of soothsayers.

And, it’s all here for you, my wise followers, and occasional seekers of truth and deception.

This week’s list includes, a leg of lamb, some balloons, and of course, spelunkers.

Enjoy…

Aries… Neptune is in projected di-urnal now. That’s not a good sign for an Aries. In the near future, you will brag to your friends that you saved three dollars by running home behind the bus you normally take. You will become depressed when one of your friends tells you that you could have saved fourteen dollars if you ran home behind a taxi.

Taurus… Mars Is trans-jected against Mercury now. That always makes problems for a Taurus. One day, you will meet and fall in love with a balloon artist. You will regret it later when you realize that you are always out of breath.

Gemini… Saturn is nearing its transcendence now. That foretells problems for you. Not long from now, you will follow a follicle to your folly. No further information is indicated in the charts. Sorry.

Cancer… Cancer is semi-conjunctive with the Moon now. That’s never good for you. One day, you will find yourself at a fork in the road while whistling, “Mack The Knife”. It will be a dangerous situation, but your injuries will only be superficial.

Leo… The Sun Is tri-urnal to Leo, but wants to be diurnal. That portends problems for you. When you least expect it, you will meet someone hot, named Potts while visiting a famous panhandle. You will get burnt by him. Sorry about that.

Virgo… Mercury is tri-genical to Virgo at this time. That’s a bad sign for you. One day, your friends and family will think you are odd when you start dating a leg of lamb. Later they will bring you mint sauce to appease you.

Libra… Neptune is post-conjected to Leo now and that’s never a good sign. One day in the future, you will find yourself going door-to-door, selling a book called, “The Psychology Of Flatworms”. Everyone except Dennis Miller will think you are odd and shun you. Let us know how that works out.

Scorpio… Pluto is tri-urnal to Scorpio now. That foretells problems for you. Your friends and family will think you are weird when you become obsessed with eating scrapple while playing Scrabble. You will be shunned. Sorry.

Sagittarius… Venus is in counter-objection to Mars at this time. That’s never good for a Sagittarius. One day you will Flamenco with a flamingo. It won’t end well when the bird decides to find another partner, but not before it attacks you with its vicious claws.

Capricorn… The Earth is tri-orbital to Capricon at this time. That portends problems for you. In the future, you will spend many months and much money researching and writing a book called, “Cooking With Bat Guano”. Only a few spelunkers will buy a copy. You will end up with an intestinal infection. It won’t be pleasant.

Aquarius… Uranus is nearing its transcendence now and that always foretells problems. One day, you will have a horrible nightmare. In it, the Energizer Bunny will try to charge you by plugging you into a wall socket. It won’t end well. You will awaken frightened and paranoid of all batteries.

Pisces… The Moon is approaching retro-jected di-urnal now against Pisces. That will bring you problems. In the future, you will start a new business collecting exotic mustaches. People will think you are odd and avoid you. You will become depressed. Sorry.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: December 7th, 2014


astrology

Hello again, my fellow celestial gazers.

Your weekly HORROR-Scope is ready.

It brings you a “heads up” on what’s in store for you in the future.

It ranges from coroners to coal tunnels.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Earth is trine with Aries now. This is not good. In the distant future, you will experience turbulence while wearing a turban in Turkey. It will give you a bad case of vertigo.

Taurus… Venus is on the cusp of Taurus now. This spells trouble. In the distant future, you will become a resident of a previous president. Unfortunately you will merely be a lowly servant working in the kitchen peeling potatoes and eating table scraps.

Gemini …The Moon is in opposition to Gemini at this time. Be on the alert. Your enemies are planning to hide your favorite remote in a remote area. You may never find it. But, while searching the north woods, you will have an encounter with Bigfoot, which won’t end well.

Cancer … Pluto is in its second house meeting with an exterminator again over a flea problem. This means trouble for you. In the near future, you will have the uncontrollable urge to call the County Coroner whenever you reach a dead end road. You will later be arrested for harassing phone calls.

Leo… The Sun is trine with Leo now. Not good! Soon you will ask yourself the question, “When night falls, and there’s no one there to see it, will it make a noise?” You will never find the answer and fall into a deep depression.

Virgo… Venus is descending now. This isn’t too good. In the not too distant future, you will meet a burley, backwoods character in your front yard. It could be Dennis Miller in disguise. He will swindle you out of your chainsaw.

Libra… Neptune is in opposition to Libra at this time. This portends something bad. Not too long from now, you will travel to Poland in search of a stolen totem pole. You will not find it, but you will fall in love with a Polish, coal miner who will take you to the depths of depression in a coal tunnel.

Scorpio…Saturn is rising now. This is not good for you. In the distant future, you will approach an altar in an altered state. It will not end well when you marry the frog you licked.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is in opposition to Sagittarius now. This isn’t good. In the future, you will be known (and dreaded) for your constant question in every situation, “What’s all the hubbub about?” Eventually, everyone’ll shun you and, you will go into hiding.

Capricorn… Mars is in its fifth house now, cleaning the windows. Not good. You will lead a very colorful life after you eat a box of 48 Crayola crayons. You will then have the urge to be boxed in a Crayola carton.

Aquarius… Mercury is in its third house now interviewing some potential renters. Be cautious now. Your enemies are planning to fold you like an origami figure.

Pisces… The Moon is trine with Pisces now. Be extra careful. Your enemies are planning to cram you into some crannies.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: November 16th, 2014


astrology

 

Hello again my dear friends.

This week’s charts bring us an array of whimsical weirdness.

Actually, it’s not too different than most weeks.

Our crack chart readers have found predictions involving toads, squirrels, and even a Mr. Potato Head.

I hope you can cope.

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is nearing apogee now. This isn’t good for you. In the future, you will be sued by someone rude over some screwed up food.

Taurus … Venus is in its fourth house now, cleaning up some space dust. Be extra cautious now. Your enemies are planning to kidnap your ego, and hold it for ransom.

Gemini … The Earth is trine with Gemini now. One day you will write a bestseller called, “How To Find True Love In A Storage Locker”. You will lose all the profit you made gambling on toad races.

Cancer … The Moon is in cancer at this time. This is not good. In the not too distant future, you will suffer a horrible hangover after going on a drinking binge with a herring.

Leo … Saturn is descending at this time. This isn’t favorable for you. One day you will have to make restitution to a restless wrestler from the west.

Virgo … Neptune is square with Virgo at the moment. This isn’t too favorable for you. In the future, you will be very embarrassed when you are discovered in bed making love to a Mr. Potato Head disguised as Dennis Miller.

Libra … Mercury is on the cusp of Libra at this time. This isn’t good. One day you will be arrested for patting some palatable pâté in Patagonia.

Scorpio … Mars is rising now and trine with Scorpio. In the future, you will fall in love with a tree while trying to catch the fall colors.

Sagittarius … Jupiter is aligned with Venus now. This portends a bad outcome. Some rogue squirrels are planning to stuff you with acorns for the winter.

Capricorn … The Sun is square with Capricorn at this time. That’s not too good. In the future, your friends will come and go, but your cumquats will ever grow…right out of our ears.

Aquarius … Neptune is descending now. That isn’t too good for you. In the not too distant future, you will never finish your book called, “How To Procrastinate For Fun And Profit”.

Pisces … The Earth is aligned with Pisces now. This suggests weird things for you. In the near future, you will have the uncontrollable urge to gargle with gargoyles.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your Fortune Cookie For Today: Nov. 12th, 2014


cookie

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

Here’s today’s fortune cookie thought for today:

“No matter how hard you try, you will not calm Beef Jerky by giving it a tranquilizer.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee or a glass of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day.”

 

Your Fortune Cookie For Today Nov. 11th, 2014


cookie

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” contained in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a contest I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

You may want to read the backstory first.

Then again, you may not. It’s entirely up to you.

But, I think you really should read it in order to get the full impact it’s had on my life, and/or, death.

Here’s today’s fortune cookie reveal.

I hope you find this enlightening:

“The sound of a train whistle will make you yearn for hobos.”

 

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your Fortune Cookie For Today


cookie

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” contained in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a contest I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

You may want to read the backstory first.

Then again, you may not. It’s entirely up to you.

But, I think you really should read it in order to get the full impact it’s had on my life, and/or, death.

Here’s today’s fortune cookie reveal.

I hope you find this enlightening:

“You may stumble in life, but it will never fail to get you a laugh.”

Your Fortune Cookie For Today


cookie

Here’s today’s fortune cookie reveal.

I hope you find it enlightening.

Enjoy…

“Synchronicity is the path to serenity or insanity.”

Funny Fake Phone


s-NOPHONE 2s-NOPHONE-480x360

This Fake Phone Helps You Focus On Real Life

A phone that’s not a phone had raised more than $13,000 on Kickstarter as of Tuesday afternoon, well over its $5,000 original fundraising goal. The NoPhone lets you to avoid the horror of not having a smartphone in your hand by giving you a plastic phone-shaped block to hold instead of your usual iPhone or Android.

“Never again experience the unsettling feeling of flesh on flesh when closing your hand,” the New York City and Amsterdam-based designers deadpan on the Kickstarter page.

Like other pieces of plastic, the NoPhone is waterproof and non-addictive.

Van Gould, Ingmar Larsen and Ben Langeveld, the phone’s creators, told The Huffington Post in an email that they were inspired to make the NoPhone while drinking on a rooftop bar in New York City called 230 Fifth. They looked up from their phones and noticed that everyone else was holding their devices, too.

“You would have looked weird in this bar if you weren’t holding a phone,” they said. “That’s when we came up with the idea for the NoPhone.”

You may not be able to check Tinder on the NoPhone, but you might bother to look up — and end up having a drink with the person next to you instead. Then again, maybe not. Social instructions aren’t included.

The NoPhone isn’t the first product aimed at encouraging people to talk face to face. Last year, a bar in Brazil unveiled the Offline Glass — which has a chunk of its base cut out so that it can stand upright only when balanced on top of a phone.

“Smartphone addiction might be the one thing that we all have in common,” the NoPhone designers said.

The team said they are still looking into manufacturing options. For now, a $12 pledge on the Kickstarter will get you a NoPhone, to be delivered around December.

For an extra $6, you can add a reflective mirror for taking real-time selfies. And if you’re feeling fancy, you can “add a verbal hashtag by syncing your brain and vocal cords.”

Found @ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/28/nophone-kickstarter_n_6057294.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news&ir=Weird News

 

Hmmm…

A phone that’s not a phone,

For work or when not alone,

The concept may make you groan,

It’s for those who are phone prone.

 

It’s nothing more than a prop,

To help you when trying to stop,

From phoning people nonstop,

It won’t break when it is dropped.

 

It will cost you 12 US dollars,

To wean you from being a caller,

But withdrawal may make you holler,

If you work or are now a scholar.

 

A mirror will cost you six,

They’ll throw it into the mix,

However it won’t take pics,

It’s no way to get your kicks.

 

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: April 27th, 2014


horoscope chart

Hi there, fellow Horror-Scope aficionados.

Here is your weekly dose of prognostication perfection.

As usual, it’s got some good news, and some bad news.

We suggest you focus on the good, if you can find it.

In the mean time, stay away from all sticky substances this week.

Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is in perigee at the moment and on the cusp of Aries. In the future, you will be enchanting with your chanting of a Carol Channing song.

Taurus… Saturn is rising now and square with Taurus. Soon you will have trouble with a lease, the police, and some hot grease.

Gemini… Pluto is suing some government officials over a dog license. Get out the rosin. You will soon yodel while eating yogurt with Yo-Yo Ma, and Dennis Miller.

Cancer… The moon is becoming new again after a make-over. You will gain fame and fortune when you write a bestselling book called, “The Fat Lip Diet”.

Leo… Neptune is in its fifth house for a poker game. In the future you will write an abstract about abstract art while abstaining from artifacts.

Virgo… The Sun is warming up to the moon in hopes for a date. You will not lose much weight if you plan on dieting on diopters.

Libra… The Earth is on the cusp of Libra at the moment. You will soon be harassed by a roving gang of silly cilantro.

Scorpio… Venus is descending and is square with Scorpio. You will be offered a position at a cemetery when someone notices your constant use of the phrase, “I dig it, man.”

Sagittarius… Mars is ready to sue the Earth for invasion of privacy. Beware and be forewarned. Your phaser will jam up just when you need it most.

Capricorn… Mercury is in its seventh house checking for loose change lost in the couch and stuffed chairs. Your idea for a theme park based on Yellow Duckies is cute, but it won’t float.

Aquarius… Pluto is trine with Aquarius at this moment. In the future, you will suddenly develop a bad drinking habit which will upset your camel.

Pisces… Jupiter is aligned with Mars for some shenanigans. Get ready to tweet. You will awaken to find yourself in a large bowl of bird’s nest soup.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Your HORROR – scope for the week of: April 6th, 2014


horoscope chart

Hello, fellow space travelers.

Perhaps you noticed a giant sneeze emanating from space this week.

It doesn’t matter if you didn’t hear it.

We did, but it’s our job to watch for events like that in the Celestial Sphere.

Our team of crack analysts quickly determined the cause.

It’s allergy season in space, and just like some of us, the planets and orbs which influence our lives, suffer from the pains and discomfort of allergies.

Of course, their situations directly affect us here on Earth, as you will see.

Enjoy, and grab a box of tissues.

Aries… The Sun has just produced another giant flare as an allergic response to gamma rays. Soon you will see that in the blink of an eye, will suddenly become allergic to your eye lids.

Taurus… The Moon is in crescent, and crusty from an eye allergy. You will soon be shocked to discover that your allergies will soon include contact with electric eels.

Gemini… Pluto is itchy from flea bites again. Here’s the latest buzz. Soon you will break out in hives when you see a honey bee.

Cancer… Neptune just discovered it’s allergic to space dust. Get out the Benadryl. You will soon scratch yourself to exhaustion when pesky pollen penetrates your pores, or when you listen to the Dennis Miller radio show.

Leo… Venus has been diagnosed with an allergy to ion radiation. Stay calm and don’t get over excited. You will soon lose sleep from itchiness after you lie in a bed of rag weed.

Virgo… Saturn is whining over an allergy related to black holes. When you need it most, you will soon discover that your EpiPen cannot be used for correspondence.

Libra… Mars has just become allergic to the vacuum of space. Get out the heavy weaponry. Call out the National Guard. You will suddenly experience an asthma attack.

Scorpio… Mercury is suffering from nausea due to solar radiation. You may want to look hip, but you will soon realize that a wasp sting is in no way, bling.

Sagittarius… The Earth has runny eyes from the sulfur spewing out of all those active volcanoes. Soon, you’ll be better off fasting. Your allergies to food will cause a bad mood and will make you rude, with a rotten attitude.

Capricorn… Jupiter is having asthma problems from something floating in the solar wind. Soon, you will suddenly develop an allergy to cologne made in Cologne. It will turn you into stone.

Aquarius… Uranus is having a bad time with its allergy to meteorites. In the near future, you will become allergic to cat hairs, grizzly bears, fox lairs, and things in pairs.

Pisces… Mars has just become allergic to the vacuum of space. We feel bad for you. Soon, it will be a dirty shame when you discover you are allergic to water.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

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