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Cautious Cultural Contact


colleagues pic

Trailblazing Colleague Makes Historic Contact With People Who Work On Other Floor

PITTSBURGH—

In an unprecedented encounter with a culture heretofore shrouded in mystery, Northco Logistics customer service specialist Ryan Barlow reportedly established historic contact Wednesday with the people who work on his office complex’s fourth floor.

“I met this guy Kevin who said they’d been having the same problems with the air conditioner we’ve been having,” said the 28-year-old explorer in reference to the peaceful words of greeting he exchanged in the elevator with an inhabitant of QuestTech Learning Solutions, a meeting that to this point had been considered far too perilous to be undertaken.

“He also said they had some leftover food and cake from his coworker’s birthday and that we could stop by if we wanted. He seemed very friendly.”
Though admitting that no one had yet dared journey so far, the intrepid adventurer then regaled his colleagues with the legend of the remote and uncharted seventh floor, where there was rumored to exist a vast open layout and, according to lore, a ping-pong table

Found @ http://www.theonion.com/articles/trailblazing-colleague-makes-historic-contact-with,36311/

Hmmm…

He met someone from another floor,
Something not seen before,
It wasn’t much of a chore,
He did establish rapport.

He is a history maker,
This company risk taker,
It wasn’t a deal breaker,
But maybe a hand shaker.

The man offered Ryan some cake,
Perhaps while he’s on his break,
An offer he might just take,
There wouldn’t be too much at stake.

Will Ryan do it again?
Risking some personal pain,
For some sociological gain.
Will his friends think him insane?

There are legends of things in that place,
Like floors with vast open space,
Maybe work done at a slower pace,
It’d be nice if that was the case.

It was a major breakthrough,
Something some others may do,
On higher floors with a good view,
Perhaps they’ll meet someone like you.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Sweat Seeker Sounds Silly


Sweaty

Warm Weather Finally Allows Man To Get Outside, Explore New Ways To Sweat

CHICAGO—

With the long winter over and summer weather finally arriving, local man Bill Klocek told reporters Thursday that he was glad to finally get out of the house, walk around a bit, and discover entirely new ways to sweat.

“This time of year, there are so many street fairs, farmers markets, and music festivals that offer great opportunities to just drench myself in my own sweat,” said Klocek, who added that he especially looks forward to perspiring heavily at restaurants with outdoor seating, on road trips, at baseball games, and at his parents’ cabin in Lake Geneva, WI.

“There’s really no excuse for avoiding it. Practically all you have to do is step out your front door and you can sweat completely through your shirt. My friend is having a party on his roof deck tonight, so I’m thinking about heading over and feeling sweat drip down my face and back at his place a little later.”
In addition to getting sweaty, Klocek stated that he also plans to set aside a little time this summer to explore entirely new ways to get sunburnt and thirsty.

Found @: http://www.theonion.com/articles/warm-weather-finally-allows-man-to-get-outside-exp,36265/And

Hmmm…

A man wants to make himself sweat,
Imagine the looks he will get,
When he walks in the streets drenching wet.
It’s something I wouldn’t forget.

He’s looking for places to go,
Where his sweaty body will show,
When is sweat glands begin to flow,
Making his foul odor grow.

He want his sweat on his face,
Though it may be a disgrace,
He’ll show up at any hot place,
To sweat he’ll pick up the pace.

There’s something else that he yearns,
He also wants a sun burn,
He’ll follow the sun and he’ll turn,
For redness that he’ll surely earn.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Raise Raises Rebellion


Replaceable Man

Single Most Replaceable Person In Company Will Walk If He Doesn’t Get Raise

WAUKEGAN, IL—

Though he has limited skills and performs his job adequately at best, the single most replaceable person at Lucas Research Associates announced Monday that he will resign immediately if he does not receive the salary increase he has demanded.

“I walked into [department supervisor Eric] Shaw’s office and told him I get a 10 percent raise or I’m out of here,” said Stanley Morgenstern, 37, who according to company sources holds a position that would immediately draw hundreds of equally qualified applicants were it to become vacant.

“I am not bluffing. If they say no, that’s it—I’m gone.” At press time, reports confirmed that negotiations had ended with Morgenstern agreeing to stay on for two weeks in order to train his replacement.

Found @: http://www.theonion.com/articles/single-most-replaceable-person-in-company-will-wal,36177/

Hmmm…

Morgenstern wants a big raise,
He’s not satisfied with mere praise,
He’s willing to quit in just days,
His boss, Mr. Shaw was not phased.

Currently he’s not content,
He’s looking to get ten percent,
But how will he pay the rent,
If the company will not relent?

He can be replaced in a flash,
He’ll be gone with no increase in cash,
Quitting sounds extremely rash,
He shouldn’t have started that clash.

He’ll stay on to train someone new,
And show them just what they should do,
His options are now very few,
He’ll end up in the unemployed queue.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May 25th, 2014


horoscope chart

Here we are again folks.

Get ready for another batch of celestial prognostications.

Things have settled down at Horror-Scope Central.

The solar chart readers have been working furiously to give you the latest results of their endeavors.

There’s good and there’s bad.

In other words, a typical week of lunacy.

Enjoy…

Aries… The conjunction of Venus and Jupiter is significant for you. In the distant future, you could be impaled by a narwhale in Whales while you’re watching whales. We don’t have the details.

Taurus… Saturn is in its seventh house this week washing windows. Get your computer warmed up. In the somewhat immediate future, you will write a bestseller called, ” Cockeyed Cooking With Casabas”.

Gemini… Once again, Venus is trine with German wine. Art is in the eye of the beholder. One day in the future, someone will paint a paisley pattern on a prominent protrusion of our body.

Cancer… The moon is in high orbit now and very shiny. You may be barking up the wrong tree. In the not too distant future, you will bring a seeing eye dog to a duck blind.

Leo… Your sign is now mutable in its fourth house. Can you feel it? When you have to go, you have to go. You will soon find a jackrabbit named Johnny in a john.

Virgo… Mars and Mercury are square right now after being trine. Get ready to play chicken. In the future, you will be arrested for plucking poultry on a parapet with Dennis Miller.

Libra… Neptune is square with Venus. Shop till you drop. Sometime in the distant future, you will become enthralled in a mall just before a fall.

Scorpio… Jupiter is aligned with Mercury. This is better than a lava lamp. In the somewhat immediate future, you will write a bestseller called, “Baking With Basalt.

Sagittarius… Saturn is trine with Sagittarius. Hop to it. Someday in the future, you will lose all your hair, or hares. It isn’t clear at this time.

Capricorn… The sun is trine with Pluto now. Get ready for this. In the near future, you will begin an argument with yourself, but you will lose.

Aquarius… Mars is the ruler of Aquarius. Get your sun glasses on. You will soon spray hundreds of containers of sun block into the air. Your efforts will be in vain. It won’t block the sun.

Pisces… Uranus and Neptune are on the cusp of a big deal. Be aware of this. Your enemies are planning to coagulate you. They just might do a bloody good job of it.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Bacon Battle Begins


Bacon

Bacon festival attendees lodge complaints with Maryland attorney general’s office

People are upset that the Beer Bacon Music festival wasn’t really all-you-can-eat.

FREDERICK , Md., May 21 (UPI)

Some bacon fans are getting the authorities involved after they allegedly paid up to $125 for an all-you-can-eat event and only received a few strips.

Multiple Beer Bacon Music festival-goers have complained to the Maryland attorney general’s office after attending the two-day festival in Frederick.

More than 5,000 people attended the festival and they were supposed to get a chance to indulge in two tons of bacon and more than 100 varieties of beer.

Irene Hafner waited for over an hour-and-a-half for her shot at the bacon bar and walked away empty-mouthed. “Not one piece of bacon got in my mouth,” she told the Frederick News-Post. “I got a T-shirt, a turkey sandwich and probably a total of one beer for $125.”

Event promoter Kevin MacFawn said that at least 35 people have asked for refunds but that it’s uncertain whether those requests will be granted.

An attorney who attended the event, James Braswell, said that MacFawn would be hearing from him via a complaint mentioning unfair trade practices and fraud. “If one is going to advertise all-you-can-eat bacon, you better have all-you-can-eat bacon,” he said.

Read more: http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2014/05/21/Bacon-festival-attendees-lodge-complaints-with-Maryland-attorney-generals-office/6941400676053/#ixzz32MC50L8R

Hmmm…

Some folks got upset over bacon,
Their poor hearts were truly achin’.
Some attendees were surely shaken,
So legal action was taken.

They thought that could eat,
A lot of the tasty treat.
But there wasn’t enough of the meat,
Many customers felt defeat.

They were promised at least two tons,
So that they could have some fun,
Eating bacon with or sans buns,
But they ran out, making folks stunned.

They paid a lot of cash,
For that big bacon bash,
But their hopes were soon dashed,
Now comes a legal clash.

Some people are calling it fraud,
So they called up a legal squad,
To sue, which isn’t so odd,
Over planning that was truly flawed.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May 18th, 2014


horoscope chart

A celestial welcome to all of you.

Here are this week’s best predictions.

It has been a difficult week.

Several of our crack staff (four capuchin monkeys) are out with the swine flu.

The aardvark and one monkey named Merlin were left to interpret the charts.

Well, that’s life in the big world of Horror-scoping.

Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is square with Aries now. You won’t need a bow tie for this. Your enemies are planning to squeeze you into a quiver.

Taurus… Neptune is tuning up for a celestial concert. Soon you will encounter an old valise, the local police and possibly Cyd Charisse. It isn’t clear at this time.

Gemini… Mercury is in its fifth house meeting with a realtor. Get out your autograph book. In the future, you will meet Mini Driver while driving a Mini.

Cancer… The Earth is trine with Cancer at the moment. Soon you will encounter something scary, something very hairy, and then you will become quite weary.

Leo… Saturn is descending and in opposition to Leo at this time. Play it cool. In the future, you will be called Hot Pockets.

Virgo… The Moon is in its second house waiting for a pest control technician. In the future, you will visit Sarasota, become addicted to serotonin, and crave Sara Lee pastries.

Libra… Venus is square with Libra now. You will awaken to find that your vagus nerve has gone to Las Vegas to gamble and lose all your savings.

Scorpio… Neptune is rising at the moment. Be prepared. In the future you may become insane, or just incontinent. It could go either way.

Sagittarius… The sun is rising somewhere at this moment. You will develop spider veins, then suddenly you will become an arachnophobic.

Capricorn… Mercury is descending at this time. In the distant future, the site of a scythe will make you sigh.

Aquarius… Pluto is busy digging up old bones. In the future, you will be proven innocent, but you will then become incoherent, like Dennis Miller.

Aquarius… Jupiter is aligned with Venus at the moment. In the future, you will eat pork, or a pork pie hat. It could go either way.

Pisces… Venus is in opposition to Pisces now. In the future, the simple pleasures of life will become complex and difficult, but your pet aardvark will not notice any of your problems.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Food Finds Infuriate Female


Grocery  shopping

Woman A Leading Authority On What Shouldn’t Be In Poor People’s Grocery Carts

NORTHAMPTON, MA—

With her remarkable ability to determine exactly how others should be allocating their limited resources for food, local woman Carol Gaither is considered to be one of the foremost authorities on what poor people should and should not have in their grocery carts, sources said Thursday.

As verified by multiple eyewitness reports from supermarkets across the Northampton area, the real estate agent and mother of three is capable of scanning the contents of any low-income person’s basket and rapidly identifying those items which people like that don’t need to be buying, based on the products’ nutrition and cost.

Additionally, Gaither, 48, is widely regarded as a leading expert in determining which groceries they would purchase instead if they had any common sense or restraint.

“There’s no reason she should be loading up on those pricey TV dinners if she’s getting the government to pay for it,” Gaither told reporters at a local Super Stop and Shop, training her prodigious faculties on a welfare recipient using a benefit card in front of her in the checkout line. “If I were on food stamps, I’d just buy two whole chickens and a bag of potatoes—you could feed a family for a week on that and still have money left over.”

“All that junk she’s buying is just loaded with sugar, too,” said Gaither, identifying with uncanny speed another critical flaw in her fellow shopper’s grocery selection. “No wonder her kids are acting out like that.”

Sources said that Gaither, in addition to being a noted scholar of how the indigent squander her tax dollars at the supermarket, is able to detect with astonishing frequency instances in which poor people claim they are unable to pay their own grocery bills yet, seconds later, pull out a brand-new cell phone that’s far nicer than the one Gaither herself owns.

Moreover, as one of the most respected voices concerning the poor’s flawed eating habits, Gaither reportedly possesses the ability to instantly assess when people on public assistance keep coming back to the same fatty foods that pretty much explain how they came to look like that in the first place.
Despite her stature, Gaither has never shared her insights with any of these individuals, sources confirmed.

“The other day, I saw a woman who bought a box of name-brand Frosted Flakes because, apparently, the generic kind wasn’t fancy enough for her,” said Gaither, swiftly and decisively calculating that bagged cereal would have cost half as much. “And guess who’s going to be paying the difference in the end?”
“But then again, what do you expect?” Gaither added, making eye contact with the reporter.

Found @: http://www.theonion.com/articles/woman-a-leading-authority-on-what-shouldnt-be-in-p,35922/

Hmmm…

A woman checks grocery carts,
To her it’s become an fine art;
Though it might be rude,
She checks out the food,
She thinks that she really is smart.

She feels that the poor buy wrong foods,
They might buy according to moods;
They fail in nutrition,
Which lead to conditions,
In kids who become crude and rude.

The poor should really eat better,
Says this nutrition go-getter;
They should eat healthy stuff,
Not that Marshmallow Fluff.
They should be nutrition trend setters.

They could really save some money too,
If they bought real food, not sweet goo;
If they used common sense,
They could save many cents,
And have cash for their phone bill when due.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Burger King Broadens Breakfast


spam

TOKYO, May 1 (UPI) –

The fast food breakfast war in Japan is in full effect and Burger King has decided to enter the fray with a new offering — a SPAM and cheese burger.

BK Japan’s SPAM & Cheese, which comes on a whole-wheat bun with usual burger fixings like pickles, mayo and lettuce, is priced at $3.42 and comes with a coffee or juice.

Other new breakfast items at BK Japan include a BK Hot Dog with ketchup and mustard, a Bolognese Burger with tomato sauce or a BLT Burger.

This is apparently not the first time that BK Japan has chosen to put SPAM on its menu.

The chain also debuted a line of mini SPAM sliders in June 2011 that were marketed towards Japanese women with the slogan, “What women want, what women get.”

The Huffington Post reported that Burger King’s Hawaiian locations started selling a SPAM Platter — which featured two slices of the canned meat with white rice and scrambled eggs — in 2007.

Read more @: http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2014/05/01/Burger-King-introduces-SPAM-and-cheese-burger-in-Japan-for-breakfast/7611398966149/#ixzz30V9zh85B

Hmmm…

BK is serving SPAM and cheese,
They’re hoping that it will soon please,
The breakfast hungry Japanese,
Selling it should be a real breeze.

They’re putting it on a wheat bun,
They’re hoping that it won’t be shunned,
When the breakfast day is all done,
In the land of the rising sun.

They tried SPAM on other isles,
They sure got a lot of smiles,
In their new Hawaiian trials,
The data’s in their files.

Now, will a BK one day,
Serve SPAM in the USA?
Will we see it on display?
It could be a daring play.

SPAM’s served with most anything,
Just plain or with lots of bling,
It could be the new dining thing,
That would make BK registers ring.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: April 27th, 2014


horoscope chart

Hi there, fellow Horror-Scope aficionados.

Here is your weekly dose of prognostication perfection.

As usual, it’s got some good news, and some bad news.

We suggest you focus on the good, if you can find it.

In the mean time, stay away from all sticky substances this week.

Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is in perigee at the moment and on the cusp of Aries. In the future, you will be enchanting with your chanting of a Carol Channing song.

Taurus… Saturn is rising now and square with Taurus. Soon you will have trouble with a lease, the police, and some hot grease.

Gemini… Pluto is suing some government officials over a dog license. Get out the rosin. You will soon yodel while eating yogurt with Yo-Yo Ma, and Dennis Miller.

Cancer… The moon is becoming new again after a make-over. You will gain fame and fortune when you write a bestselling book called, “The Fat Lip Diet”.

Leo… Neptune is in its fifth house for a poker game. In the future you will write an abstract about abstract art while abstaining from artifacts.

Virgo… The Sun is warming up to the moon in hopes for a date. You will not lose much weight if you plan on dieting on diopters.

Libra… The Earth is on the cusp of Libra at the moment. You will soon be harassed by a roving gang of silly cilantro.

Scorpio… Venus is descending and is square with Scorpio. You will be offered a position at a cemetery when someone notices your constant use of the phrase, “I dig it, man.”

Sagittarius… Mars is ready to sue the Earth for invasion of privacy. Beware and be forewarned. Your phaser will jam up just when you need it most.

Capricorn… Mercury is in its seventh house checking for loose change lost in the couch and stuffed chairs. Your idea for a theme park based on Yellow Duckies is cute, but it won’t float.

Aquarius… Pluto is trine with Aquarius at this moment. In the future, you will suddenly develop a bad drinking habit which will upset your camel.

Pisces… Jupiter is aligned with Mars for some shenanigans. Get ready to tweet. You will awaken to find yourself in a large bowl of bird’s nest soup.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Touchy Twitter Trial


NYPD Twitter Campaign Turns Ugly

A New York Police Department campaign to engage people on Twitter via the #myNYPD hashtag backfired in a big way.

The New York Police Department learned a hard lesson this week — be careful what you ask for. Especially when dealing with a public forum like Twitter.

The trouble started at around 2 p.m. ET Tuesday, when the department took to its official Twitter account to launch a little contest intended to engage the public on social media. “Do you have a photo w/ a member of the NYPD? Tweet us & tag it #myNYPD. It may be featured on our Facebook,” the department tweeted.

They were probably expecting a few good-natured snaps showcasing New York’s Finest in action. But things didn’t exactly go as planned.

It started out innocent enough, of course. Some users posted nice photos of themselves with officers.

But when the #myNYPD hashtag went viral, thousands of others took it as an opportunity to expose police aggression by sharing embarrassing and unflattering photos of New York City officers fighting with members of the public.

One heavily retweeted photo posted by an Occupy Wall Street supporter shows a police officer pointing his gun at a dog a homeless man lies on the ground having a seizure. Others show police officers holding people to the ground, pulling hair, punching, and sleeping on the subway.

The embarrassment comes as the NYPD works to ramp up its efforts on Twitter. Just last week, five officers were given the go-ahead to begin tweeting news about their precincts.

NYPD spokesman Stephen Davis told The New York Times that the snafu would not deter the department from engaging with citizens through social media in the future.

“You take the good with the bad,” he said.

Found @: http://www.pcmag.com/article2/0,2817,2456989,00.asp

Hmmm…

NYP wanted some Tweets,
From homes and from the streets,
They stood for pics on their beats,
But they suffered some defeats.

People Tweeted police being rude,
Cops with bad attitudes,
One was seen punching a dude,
Showing behavior that’s crude.

Others showed cops at their best,
Taking photos at their request,
Showing badges on their proud chests,
Smiling and talking in jests.

Cops are not basically mean,
Or totally cruel and obscene,
When they arrive on the scene,
If you know what I mean.

They’re there to protect each one,
When threatened by a knife or a gun,
From bad guys they will not run,
They work ’till their job is done.

So when you see a cop,
Outside a store or shop,
It will not hurt to stop,
They might be a mom or pop.

They’re people just like you,
With a hard job to do,
Dressed in NYPD blues,
They’re heroes through and through!

God bless them one and all,
When they are on a call,
Not one of them should fall,
While they stand proud and tall.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

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