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Posts tagged ‘Death’

Matron Mulls Mortality



old lady

Senior Citizen Keeps Mind Active By Contemplating Death


In an effort to remain mentally sharp well into her golden years, local senior citizen Evelyn Gordon, 86, told reporters Thursday she keeps her mind active by regularly contemplating her rapidly approaching death.

“For just a few minutes every day, I really try to focus in and challenge my brain by thinking about all the different ways I might die in the next few years,” said Gordon, who attempts to improve cognitive function by performing mental exercises whenever she has downtime, such as calculating the number of days she has left on earth or carefully visualizing friends and family paying their respects at her funeral.

“Then, before bed, I like to give my memory a nice workout by recalling all of the close friends and loved ones who have already passed away, and how that could realistically happen to me any day now. Of course, mostly I keep my mind sharp by concentrating on what it means to vanish into nothingness and be utterly forgotten. It really helps keep me alert.”

Gordon added that she has also taken to learning something new every day about the neurodegenerative diseases that will quite possibly claim her mind sometime soon.



Evelyn contemplates death,

Taking her last living breath;

When is her last day?

Could it be today?

It seems to have shades of Macbeth.


She thinks of the ways she could die,

And the people who would surely cry;

She thinks of folks gone,

Those who have moved on,

She doesn’t look back and ask why.


She does it for mental agility,

She hopes it will help her abilities;

She thinks about dying,

Without any crying,

Death has its own grave futility.


© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Mayor Mistakenly Mourns Man


The Seattle mayor’s office apologized for a news release mourning the death of a community advocate who turned out to be alive and well.

Mayor Ed Murray’s press secretary, Rosalind Brazel, emailed a news release Thursday featuring the mayor’s comments on the death of Jim Diers, a “former Seattle Department of Neighborhoods Director and community advocate,” KIRO-TV, Seattle, reported Friday.

“I’m very saddened by the death of Jim Diers,” the news release quoted the mayor as saying. “He was an innovator in bringing communities together and made a significant contribution to the foundation that makes Seattle special. His work with neighborhoods was passionate and progressive. His service to this city was unmeasurable. My thoughts go out to the Diers family. He will be missed.”

However, Brazel sent out a second email 29 minutes later with “CORRECTION” written in the subject line.
“The Mayor’s office was mistakenly informed of the death of Jim Diers,” Brazel wrote. “He is alive and well.”

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A Mayor said a man was dead,
That is what the press release said,
The news story then quickly spread,
But the guy was alive instead.

The Mayor said the man would be missed,
His accomplishments made a large list,
But the story had a Hitchcock twist,
The great man did not cease to exist.

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Meat Munchers Maudlin Mortality

food pic

Study Links Meat, Sugar Consumption To Early Death Among Those Who Choose To Be Happy In Life


According to a study published Wednesday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association, researchers have discovered a strong correlation between regular meat and sugar consumption and premature death among those who choose to lead happy and fulfilling lives.

“Our data indicate that people who eat large amounts of red meat and saccharides have, on average, markedly shorter and more satisfying life spans,” said the study’s lead author, Aubrey Schrader, adding that frequent ingestion of animal protein, chocolate, and sweetened snacks and beverages lowered the average age of onset of diabetes, heart disease, and cancer for those who take pleasure in their daily existence.”

“Evidence from our study suggests that diets rich in prime rib, pulled pork, strawberry cheesecake, flank steak, and Snickers bars were directly related to younger ages at death among men and women who embraced their life and made the absolute most of their time on earth.”

“Moreover, these individuals appeared to exhibit a greater peace in dying, able to pass on without any regrets in their lives whatsoever.”

The study also revealed that the loved ones of those who passed away prematurely and contented were typically far better suited to handle their grief due to their high levels of alcohol consumption.

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We’ll die from eating all meat?
And having a tempting sweet?
The data is in,
There’s no way to win,
We just have to give up those treats.

We have to watch out for all proteins,
And avoid all meats that are quite lean,
Many have died,
From those saccharides,
And maybe from consuming all beans.

Many who died were content,
Knowing their lives were well spent,
They ate all things bad,
But they were sure glad,
Mourners weren’t sad when they went.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

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