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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Sept. 25th, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello again my friends of fortunes.

Another week has flown by.

Unfortunately, it crashed and burned.

We’ve worked the charts over, and they’ve given us their best.

Too bad, their best isn’t good enough.

This week’s agenda includes: gherkins, Smokey Bear, and the ever popular, Seven Dwarves.

Enjoy…

Aries… Saturn is in high transitional mode now. That is not a good sign for an Aries. In the future, you will open a nail salon where are you will trim peoples toenails with hedge clippers. Lawsuits will follow. You will lose a lot of money.

Taurus… Mars is in high substantive mode now. That will only bring you trouble. In the future, you will suddenly develop a fear of gherkins, girth, and/or Garth Brooks. You will rarely leave your home, kind of like Dennis Miller.

Gemini… Mercury is in opposition to Gemini and on the cusp of Mars. That’s a terrible sign for a Gemini. In the distant future, you will spend much time and a lot of money researching and writing a book called, ”How to be Avuncular For Fun and Profit”. Only a few social scientists we’ll buy a copy. You will not be happy with that outcome.

Cancer… The Moon is in its seventh house getting its heating system inspected. It’s not going well. That means trouble for you. One day in the future, you will be famous on Broadway for your nut roll. However, your fame will be short lived. Depression will set in.

Leo… The Sun is in its lower quadrant now and in opposition to Leo. That is not a good combination. In the distant future, you will spend much time and a lot of money researching and writing a book called, “How to Lean Forward For Fun and Profit”. Only a few fast walkers will buy a copy. You will not be happy about that.

Virgo… Uranus is in ultraphasic mode now. That is not a good sign for a Virgo. In the future, you will find yourself having difficulty memorizing the names of the Seven Dwarfs. Eventually, you will wind up sleepy, grumpy, and dopey.

Libra… Mars is in opposition to Libra and at odds with it. That’s never a good sign for a Libra. Keep a close eye on your bones this week. Your enemies are planning to disarticulate you.

Scorpio… Pluto is in super dimensional mode now. That’s a bad sign for a Scorpio. In the future, you are going to find a lot of money in those slacks you haven’t worn in months. The cash will be useful during your next Monopoly game.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in tri-gencial position now. That’s never a good sign for a Sagittarius. Soon your friends and family will think you’re strange when you constantly vibrate at a high frequency.

Capricorn… The Earth is in bi-modal mode now. That is a bad condition for a Capricorn. Things will go terribly wrong when you invite Smokey Bear to a barbecue that goes terribly wrong. As a result, he will not hug you. Afterwards, you will be sad.

Aquarius… Venus is in semi-transitional mode now. That is a terrible sign for an Aquarius. In the future, you will become confused when you try to decide whether to buy elevator shoes or escalator shoes. The whole idea will drive you batty.

Pisces… Neptune is in di-verticular mode now. That is not a good sign for a Pisces. In the future, you will write a bestselling book called, “Gathering Gussets For Fun And Profits”. Only a few gusset collectors will buy a copy. You will not be pleased over the outcome.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Sept. 18th, 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome back lovers of lunacy.

We’re here with another week’s worth of horror.

It’s what you been waiting for, haven’t you?

This week’s conglomeration of confusion includes: acorns, lint, and the ever-popular hemorrhoids.

Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is in dialectic conjunction with Aries. That will only bring you problems. In the not too distant future, you will spend a lot of time and a lot of money to open a museum of lint. Only a few Laundromat executives will show up to observe your exhibits.

Taurus… Mercury is rising at an alarming rate, and in opposition to Taurus. That is not a good combination. In the future, your enemies will try to wrap you in bacon to promote you as a new snack food. They will fail, however you will be followed unmercifully by dogs and cats the rest of your life.

Gemini… Mars is in diametric mode now and on the cusp of Gemini. That is not a good combination. In the future, you will spend a lot of money and time opening a museum of toenail clippings. Only a few podiatrists will show up to look at your exhibits. From then on, things will seem dark and dreary to you.

Cancer… The Moon is rising and on the cusp of Cancer at this time. That is not a good combination. In the distant future, you will only carry on conversations with yourself. People will think you are strange. They will avoid you like they avoid Dennis Miller.

Leo… The Sun is in opposition to Leo, and in dissension at this time. That is a troubling sign. In the distant future, your enemies will dip you in chocolate. You will escape, but from that day on, people will have an urge to lick your face. You will not leave your home much afterwards.

Virgo… Pluto is in tri-geminal mode now and in opposition to Virgo. That’s not a good sign. In the future, you will have the uncontrollable urge to sit on flagpoles. You will spend a lot of time in jail. You will not be happy when you develop hemorrhoids.

Libra… In the not too distant future, you will paint yourself into a corner. Unfortunately for you, you will be using the non-dryable paint that you yourself have developed. You will spend a lot of time thinking about your folly.

Scorpio… The Earth is in tri-oppositional mode against Scorpio. That will only bring you misfortune. In the future, you will spend a lot of money and time opening a museum of warts. Only a few dermatologists will ever show up to view your exhibits. You will become depressed.

Sagittarius… Venus is square and in opposition to Sagittarius at this time. That’s definitely a bad sign. One day in the future, you will find yourself taking a selfie with a grizzly bear. Unfortunately, the photo will be taken while the bear is attacking. You will escape with minor injuries, but you will develop a fear of photos afterwards.

Capricorn… Mars is on the cusp of Capricorn and square with it. That portends problems for you. Sometime in the future, you will have a penchant for sucking acorns. Squirrels will follow you everywhere. People will think you are weird and shun you. Depression will set in.

Aquarius… Saturn is in hyper opposition to Aquarius at this time. That is never a good sign for an Aquarius. In the distant future, you will use the word repository in every conversation whether it is appropriate or not. People will think you are strange. They will avoid you. You won’t understand why that is happening.

Pisces… Neptune is in high declension at the moment. That’s not good for a Pisces. In the future, you will attempt to use a pogo stick to climb the steps of the Washington Monument. You will be arrested. No one will bail you out. You will not be happy.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Sept. 11th, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello again folks.

Another week has passed…and fast.

It’s time for another dose of drudgery.

Buckle up.

The pain is about to begin.

This weeks disastrous dozen brings you: urinals, a food truck, and the ever popular, used chewing gum.

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is di-hexical at the moment. That’s not good for an Aries. Someday in the future, you will become world famous for your ability to reiterate. Unfortunately, that will be your only skill.

Taurus… Neptune is tri-modal now and on the cusp of Taurus. That’s not good for a Taurus. In the distant future, you are going to have a great meal. Unfortunately, afterwards, you will be hit by a food truck. Too bad for you.

Gemini… Mars is in semi-quadrant mode now. That’s never a good sign for a Gemini. Someday, you’re enemies will try to to shrink your brain to the size of an angstrom. They won’t succeed, however afterwards, you will only speak in one-word sentences, kind of like Dennis Miller.

Cancer… The Moon is in quadrinal mode now. That’s never good for a Cancer. Sometime in the future, you will spend a lot of time and all your money opening up a Museum of Urinals. Only a handful of Urologists will stop by. You will not be happy about that.

Leo… The Sun is in opposition and square with Leo. That’s an unfortunate combination. In the distant future, you will make a lot of money in the stock market, only to suffer a double-digit loss. You will lose two fingers of your dominant hand. Hopefully, you will adapt.

Virgo… Venus isn’t high dissension and in opposition to Virgo at this time. That’s not a good sign for a Virgo. In the future, you will open up a lemonade stand, followed by a microphone stand. You won’t make any money in either venture. You will become very depressed.

Libra… Mars is in semi-oppositional mode now. That’s definitely not good for a Libra. One day in the future, you will spend all your money and a lot of time opening a Museum of Used Gum found under tables and chairs. Only a few street people will stop by to add to your collection. Depression will set in.

Scorpio… Saturn is in tri-geminal mode now. That’s never good for a Scorpio. In the distant future, you’re enemies will try to to flash freeze you, so bring a heavy jacket, and gloves.

Sagittarius… Uranus is in lateral opposition to Sagittarius at this time. That portends problems for you. Not long from now, the police will arrest you for assault when they find you on a beaten path. You will spend a few days in jail.

Capricorn… The Earth is in low capsulation mode now. That spells trouble for a Capricorn. In the future, you will have the urge to return to the hospital where you were born and demand a refund on yourself. You will be committed to the Psych Ward for observation.

Aquarius… Jupiter is misaligned with Aquarius at this time. That foretells problems for all Aquarians. In the distant future, you will open a Museum of Sweat Glands. Only a few Endocrinologists will stop by.

Pisces… Neptune is in di-sectional mode now. That’s never good for a Pisces. In the distant future, you will spend a lot of time and money writing a book called, “How To Snort Snot For Fun And Profit”. Only a few ENT doctors buy a copy. You will not be happy.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Sept 4th, 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We are here with another week’s worth of the wrecking ball.

We looked at the charts inside and out.

It was better inside because it was raining out.

This week’s work of wonderment includes: a kayak, monkeys, and the ever popular… bladder.

Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is in tri-subjunctive mode at this time. That is not good for an Aries. One day in the future, you will kayak, wearing a haversack, near a yacking yak, who will charge you, causing you’re boat to capsize. Hopefully you’ll be wearing a life preserver.

Taurus… Mars is in hyper-retrograde position now, and in opposition to Taurus. That‘s not a good combination. In the future you will be known for your ability to become disheveled.

Gemini… Mercury is on the cusp of Gemini and square with it. That combination is never good for a Gemini. In the future, you will become innocent, then indecent, and finally reticent.

Cancer… The Moon is entering Spasmatosis mode now. That’s not a good sign for Cancer. In the future, you will do a remarkable standup performance in front of the monkey cage at a local zoo. You will eventually find yourself behind bars.

Leo… The Sun is nearing Quadrahedral position now. That’s never a good sign for Leo. In the future, you will make an indecent proposal to a gorilla. Afterwards, you will be arrested by the vice squad along with Dennis Miller.

Virgo… Saturn is approaching dientropic position now. That’s always a bad sign for a Virgo. In the future, you will fly low, under the radar, but you’ll eventually crash into the radar’s dish. Ouch!

Libra… Neptune is square with Libra, but in dire opposition to it. That is not a good combination. In the future, your enemies will try to to make your head the centerpiece of a wreath. They will fail, however you will develop a phobia of anything green.

Scorpio… Pluto isn’t hyper-perplectic mode at this time. That’s never good for a Scorpio. Someday in the future, you will spend many months and a lot of money researching and writing a book called, “How to Get Ahead In Lice”. Only a few entomologists will buy a copy. You will be very unhappy.

Sagittarius… The Earth is quadrangular to Sagittarius now. That’s an ominous sign. One day in the future, you will wake up and smell the coffee as you fall off a twenty story building in Manhattan, and then land on a Starbucks awning.

Capricorn… Jupiter is in hyper-distentive mode now. That’s not good for Capricorn. In the future, you will suddenly feel numbness in your adrenal glands. There’ll be no cure for it. Let’s hope your health insurance is up-to-date.

Aquarius… Venus is in diocentric mode now. That’s never good for an Aquarius. One day in the future, you will be confined to a mental hospital after you are found in the park discussing Freud with your bladder.

Pisces… Neptune is nearing hyper-endonic mode now. That’s a terrible position for a Pisces. In the future, you will hold up in a wilderness lodge, and then realize that you find no logic in anything, especially your thoughts.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 28th, 2016


 

horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello once again.

We hope you had a fruitful… or vegetable week.

My staff has been working very hard on this week’s prognostications.

However, the outlook isn’t any better than it was last week.

This week’s fortunes include: flax seed, knee joints and the ever popular, worms.

Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is on the cusp of Aries but square with Virgo. That’s not a good combination for an Aries. Sometime in the future, your ultrasound will fall on deaf ears.

Taurus… Neptune is in hyperlink phase now and in opposition to Taurus. That is never a good sign for a Taurus. In the future, a roving band of flax seed will attack you unmercifully.

Gemini… Mercury is square with Gemini and descending at this time. That portends problems for you. In the future, you will spend many months writing a book called, “How To Be Pithy In A Pith Helmet”. You will only sell one copy to a Safari organizer. You will be very disappointed.

Cancer… The Moon has decided to become multiphasic in the future. That’s not a good sign for a Cancer. In the somewhat distant future, you will fight with yourself over the concept of verisimilitude. The conflict will go on for months. Good luck with that.

Leo… The Sun is in its hyper-plasticity mode now. That’s never a good sign for a Leo. In the future, you will be arrested for exposing your pineal gland in public.

Virgo… Mars is hyper-plegic mode now. That foretells problems for all Virgos. One day in the future, a Garmin will mistakenly take you to a garment district. You will be hopelessly lost for months, like Dennis Miller.

Libra… Venus is in opposition to Libra now and square with Aquarius. That’s not a good combination for a Libra. In the future, an insane photographer will shoot you from a low angle. Watch out. He won’t be using a camera.

Scorpio… Mercury is on the cusp of Scorpio and descending rapidly. That combination is not good for you. In the distant future, you will awaken to find that your ankles have been stolen and replaced with knee joints. It will take many months and lots of physical therapy to get used to your new configuration.

Sagittarius… Pluto is in divergent mode now against Libra and Sagittarius. That requires extra caution on your part. In the future, you will wrestle with a problem…you will lose in three falls.

Capricorn… The Earth is square with Capricorn but in opposition to it. That’s never good for a Capricorn. In the somewhat distant future, The Vice Squad will arrest you when they see you looking at something with your naked eyes. You will spend the night in jail.

Aquarius… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars at this time. That always means trouble for an Aquarius. In the future, you will become a world famous worm whisperer. You will find yourself underground most of the time in wet, mucky areas.

Pisces… Mars is on the cusp of Pisces and misaligned with Jupiter. That will only bring you misfortune. In the future, each time you are asked for an ID, you will open your wallet and flash the genitals of a male squirrel. You will be whisked away to a mental institution.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Aug 21st, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello again, dear devoted readers of this blog.

Thanks for hanging in there while we were on a long anticipated vacation.

We are now thoroughly rested.

And, totally invested… in Your HORROR – Scope.

This week’s antics include: chicken necks, gnats, and the ever popular…diarrhea.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Earth is in semi-co-ordinal phase now. That’s usually a bad sign for an Aries. Sometime in the future, you will open a museum of caves. People will think you are batty. You won’t be happy about that.

Taurus… Uranus is in half diametric mode now. That foretells problems for you. In the future you will be obsessed with using the word “unguentine” in all your conversations. People will think you are weird and avoid you.

Gemini… Mercury is in quadralinial position now. That’s a bad position for a Gemini. The future, you’ll describe everything and everyone you like using the phrase, “That’s real shed” or “He/he’s real shed”. We’re sure you get the point. You will end up in a psychiatric clinic for observation.

Cancer… The Moon is in its waning gibbous phase but wants to be waxing. That portends problems for you. In the future you will spend all your money to open a museum of guttural sounds. Only a few linguists will visit it. You will be ashamed. You will walk away mumbling.

Leo… The Sun is in di-burfication mode now. That’s not good for a Leo. In the future you will spend all your money to open a restaurant called, The Barf. Except for a few bulimics, you won’t get many customers. You will shut the place down within a month. You will lose all.

Virgo… Mars is on the cusp of Virgo, but in retrograde now. That’s a bad sign for a Virgo. In order to compete with the chicken wings craze in food, you will do something entirely different. You will open a chicken neck restaurant. It will fail when The Society Against Chicken Neck Consumption (SACNC) sues you and wins in court.

Libra… Venus is in cross-sublimation mode now. That’s not good for a Libra. One day in the future, you will start a fund raising campaign to clean up the oceans. Your funding will stop when contributors realize you’re going to do it…1 gallon at a time.

Scorpio… Jupiter is on the cusp of Scorpio but misaligned with Mars. That always results in problems for a Scorpio. People will think you are crazy when you begin to write notes to yourself… on your forehead.

Sagittarius… In the distant future, you will find yourself asking people for just an hour of their time…thinking you will live longer. You will be labeled as a fool by everyone. You will not be happy.

Capricorn… Pluto has a plan to import billions of tons of space dust in order to increase its size, thereby becoming a regular planet again. It will fail. So will you. In the future, you will spend lots of time and money researching and writing a book called, “The Diarrhea Diaries”. Your friends and relatives will tell you that you are just throwing your money down the toilet. You will ignore them until you realize you aren’t selling any books. Depression will set in.

Aquarius… Saturn is rising at an alarming rate and is getting lightheaded. That’s not good for an Aquarius. In the future, you will finally achieve your dream of becoming a corn stalk waxer. Have fun with that.

Pisces… Neptune is square with Pisces now but on the cusp of Aquarius. That is not a good combination for a Pisces. One day in the future, you will start a foundation and beg for money to “Save the Gnats.” Unfortunately you will fail in your attempt. You will become depressed and lonely, like Dennis Miller.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 24th, 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good day to all of you anti-prognosticator haters out there.

We hope you’ve survived another week of gloom.

If so, we are ready to heap another week of despondency upon you.

This weeks charts have been mean as ever.

They include: an aviary, underlayment and the ever-popular flax seed.

Enjoy…

Aries… Venus is in its third house anxiously waiting the moving company to arrive. It’s getting late and Venus is irritable. That’s not a good combination for an Aries. You’ll be sorry, shortly after you visit a rain forest. Why? You will become enraged when a wild airborne parrot breaks the glass jar containing your collection of cherry pits.

Taurus… Jupiter is in hyper-dissension mode now. That’ll only cause you problems. In the not too distant future, your enemies will try to make you nebulous. They will not succeed, however it will prompt you to become a hermit.

Gemini… Mercury is in orbital recession at the moment. That’s not good for a Gemini. In the future, you will spend all your time and money in order to open a urinal museum. Only a few urologists, a nephrologist and Dennis Miller will visit it. You will feel crushed and depressed.

Cancer… The Moon is in low orbital stenosis mode now. That’s a terrible sign for a Cancer. In the future, you will become come obsessed over the concept of verisimilitude. It will go on for months. Your friends, family and associates avoid you.

Leo… The Sun is in dilectric regression now. That is not a good sign for a Leo. Sometime in the future, you will be embarrassed to say the word, drainage in mixed company. This will go on for years, resulting in many therapy sessions.

Virgo… Venus is on the cusp of Virgo and in hyperpletic mode now. That is not good for a Virgo. One day soon, you will be engrossed with the idea of building spittoons entirely out of Legos. Your collection will grow, while you’re popularity diminishes.

Libra… Pluto is in its third house awaiting a flea exterminator. The guy is really late and Pluto is experiencing some anxiety. That’s never good for a Libra. In the future, you will be obsessed with the idea of either chasing tornadoes, or playing the parlor game called Twister. In either case, you will feel a lot of pain when it’s over.

Scorpio… Mars is in semi-ultronic mode now. That’s a terrible sign for a Scorpio. In the future, you will be embarrassed to say the word underlayment in public. You will seek in the aid of a psychiatrist and/or a building contractor.

Sagittarius… Neptune is in opposition to Sagittarius and on the cusp. That’s not good for a Sagittarius. One day, you will awaken only to find that you are molting like a common canary. You will seek shelter in an aviary.

Capricorn… Saturn is in di-uregical mode now and in opposition to Capricorn. That makes for a terrible combination for a Capricorn. In the future, you will capture a wacky gecko, or take a lot of Ginkgo. It could go either way, but it will be quite messy.

Aquarius… Uranus is in quadra-lingual mode now. That’s never good for an Aquarius. In the future, a roving band of flax seed will attack you unmercifully. You will escape with minor injuries. Unfortunately, you will be arrested for stalking health food store employees.

Pisces… The Earth is in a hyper-orbital plane now. That’s never good for a Pisces. One day, you will become obsessed with the concept of biding your time, or biting your tongue. In either case, you will suffer.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 17th, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello my fine unfettered friends.

Hungry for another hunk of horror?

We at HORROR – Scope Central certainly are.

This weeks charts are as unfavorable as ever.

They include a banana split, bodysnatching, and the ever-popular, squirrel genitals.

Enjoy…

Aries… Neptune is in opposition and perpendicular to Aries. That’s not a good combination. Soon your interests will lie in bodybuilding. Shortly after, the police will catch you digging up bodies.

Taurus… Saturn is in hyper-perigee now and square with Taurus. That’s not good for a Taurus. In the future, you will either have a banana split or develop a split personality. It could go either way. Afterwards, you’ll be running in two directions at once.

Gemini… Mercury is rising at an alarming rate and is in retrograde mode. That combination is always a bad sign for Gemini. In the future, you will become obsessed with the idea of getting a Human Equivalency Certificate. People will think you are weird.

Cancer… The Moon is locked in its seventh house and can’t get out. That’s not a good sign for a Cancer. In the future, you will journey to Tibet or place a bet. Either way you’ll lose a lot of money.

Leo… The Sun is in opposition to Leo now. That’s never good. In the future, you will remove your hippocampus and take it to a campus near the pampas. People will think you are weird.

Virgo… Mars is in high vitriolic mode now. That’s not good for a Virgo. In the future, you will be arrested for exposing your pineal gland in public.

Libra… Venus is in high aspect now against Libra. That’s not good for a Libra. In the future, you will become confused and take your rib eye steak to an ophthalmologist for an exam.

Scorpio… Pluto is in low orbital aspect now and in opposition to Scorpio. That’s not good for a Scorpio. Soon, a herd of flying elephants will rain on your parade. Some of them will even crap on it.

Sagittarius… The Earth is in high modal apogee now. That’s never good for a Sagittarius. In the future, you will become a fashion designer. But, you will only specialize in the word, Fashion.

Capricorn… Neptune is square and in opposition to Capricorn at this time. That combination is not good for a Capricorn. In the future, your enemies will try to infuse you with secret herbs and spices. They will not fully succeed. Afterwards, chefs from all over the world, and Dennis Miller, will stalk you.

Aquarius… Jupiter is in its seventh house suffering from a massive migraine. That’s not good for an Aquarius. In the future, the pain in your throat will stop after you stop eating pine needles.

Pisces… Venus is in high orbital opposition to Pisces now. That’s not a good configuration. In the future, each time you are asked for an ID, you will open your wallet and flash the genitals of a male squirrel. People will be appalled.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 10th, 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello there.

Are you ready for another week of wonderment?

We at HORROR – Scope Central hope so.

We’ve slaved over the charts this week, but we just couldn’t get the horror out.

We hope you’ll endure…

Aries… Pluto is in hyperplectic mode now. That will only bring you trouble. In the future, your enemies are going to to weave you into a statue of Dennis Weaver. You will be cold and lonely, like Dennis Miller.

Taurus… Uranus is in dual-distention at the moment. That surely portends trouble for you. In the future, you will be absent due to an abscess. It will be quite painful. A dentist will charge you a fortune to fix it.

Gemini… Mercury is in a lower dimodal phase now. That’s never good for a Gemini. In the future, you will drown your sorrows in alcohol then regret that you drowned them in the first place, but it will be too late to resuscitate them.

Cancer… The Moon is approaching peri-hedonal mode now. That’s never a good sign for a Cancer. In the future, you will witness an accident. Your hard drive will crash causing mass casualties.

Leo… The Sun is in dual-perplectic mode at this time. That’s always bad for a Leo. In the future, a palmist or a pianist will read your palm. If it’s a pianist, he will take note of it and say that it is quite scaly. The palmist, on the other hand, will hand you a line you will not like.

Virgo… Venus is in low orbital conflict at this time. That’s never a good sign for a Virgo. In the future, someone will read your mind and only highlight the bad parts.

Libra… The Earth is in post-positional hyperplexion mode now. That will only bring you trouble. In the future, you will be under the influence of drugs or bugs. It could go either way, but it will be uncomfortable and itchy.

Scorpio… In the future, your enemies will try to do a makeover of your brain. They will not succeed, however they will not clean up after themselves and your brain will be a mess.

Sagittarius… Mercury is in discordance at this time. That’s never a good sign for a Sagittarius. In the future, you’re enemies will put you in suspension or in another dimension. It will not be a pleasant experience. It will last for years.

Capricorn… Mars is in opposition to Capricorn now and is hypertensive. That portends trouble for you. In the future, you will succumb to your desire to wear all of your clothes backwards. We’d like to see a photo of that.

Aquarius… Saturn is on the cusp of Aquarius and in opposition to it. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will become entangled in a webcam of deceit. It will not work out well for you.

Pisces… Neptune is in tri-modal position now and in opposition to Pisces. That’s not a good sign. In the future, you will find spiders hiding in your webcam. An exterminator will not be able to remove them. It will keep you awake at night.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

 

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 3rd, 2016


 

horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello there all you horoscopic minded people.

We’re back again with another load of linguistic lunacy.

The charts have been as horrible as usual.

This week’s listings include a street sweeper, curtains, and the ever popular…school of hard knocks.

Enjoy…if you can.

Aries… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars at this time and in opposition to Aries. That is not a good combination. In the future, you will suddenly develop a fear of all electrolytes. You will consult a psychiatrist who will have you committed. Thorazine we will be your medication du jour.

Taurus… Venus is in hyper-perplectic mode now. That indicates trouble for you. In the future, you will encounter a street sweeper or a gatekeeper. In either case, you will experience a lot of pain.

Gemini… Pluto is in its third house treating a flea problem once again. It’s not going well. That spells trouble for you. In the future, your enemies will attempt to make you more whimsical. Unfortunately it will not work. You will become whiny instead. People will avoid you like the plague.

Cancer… The Moon is semi-modal now and Square with cancer. Those two make a deadly combination for a Cancer. In the future, you will develop a unique mental condition. Suddenly, curtains will make you uncertain. There will be no cure for it.

Leo… The Sun is in strict opposition to Leo at this time. That’s a terrible position to be in. In the future, you will win a free trip into outer space… in a spaceship traveling to the sun. Be sure to take plenty of ice, and Dennis Miller along.

Virgo… Venus is perpendicular and in opposition to Virgo. It spells trouble for you. In the future, you will suddenly find yourself addressing everyone you meet as Mr. Carstairs. People will avoid you, thinking you are crazy. Depression will set in.

Libra… Mars is hyper-dilectical at this time. That’s never good for a Libra. In the future, you will develop a pumpkin patch. You will advertise it during the Halloween season. Unfortunately for you, people will not be interested in patching their pumpkins. You will lose a lot of money on the venture.

Scorpio… Uranus is in double opposition to Scorpio. That’s not good for a Scorpio. In the future, you will suddenly take action on your idea that you should collect jars of methane to use as a fuel in an emergency. The collection process will be dreadful. People will think you are weird.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in hyperbolic mode now. That’s never good for a Sagittarius. In the future, your enemies we’ll try to disenfranchise you. They will not succeed, however it will be a messy affair. You will be sad and depressed most of the time.

Capricorn… The Earth is square and in opposition to Capricorn now. That’s an unfortunate combination for a Capricorn. In an attempt to become more ocean friendly, you will attempt to memorize the dates and times of all high and low tides throughout the world. You will end that project on a low note when you suddenly realize a hermit crab has already done it.

Aquarius… Mercury is misaligned with Mars at this time and in retrograde. That’s not a good combination for an Aquarius. In the future, you will become confused. You will buy armor and hire an army to fortify your fortnight. You will lose lots of money and become a laughing stock among your friends and relatives.

Pisces… Saturn is in opposition to Pisces and in super-hyglemic mode at the moment. That will only bring you trouble. Sometime in the future, you will become a tutor at a school of hard knocks. The stories you will hear will depress you. You will quit your job and become a hermit.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

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