Aries… Mercury is in a bad mood resulting in opposition to everything right now. You will prance in a prairie with a prominent pickpocket from Poughkeepsie.
Taurus… Uranus is in its ninth house doing renovations. You may be into good looks for a mate. That’s understandable, and a bit shallow. But, why marry a turducken?
Gemini…The sun and the moon are conspiring. Don’t go to the beach this week. A Porifera will try to sponge off of you.
Cancer… Saturn is on the cusp of an asteroid. You will awaken to find that your only friends are your ear buds, and Dennis Miller.
Leo… Pluto is in a kennel while the other planets take a vacation. You will puke in Pontchartrain after a plethora of pleasing platitudes.
Virgo… Venus is juxtaposed to everything now. You will seek the advice of an Ophthalmologist when you have trouble focusing your mind’s eye this week.
Libra… Mars is in its fourth house collecting back rent. You will awaken to find yourself necking with a nectarine. It will not be fruitful.
Scorpio… The sun is trine with itself this week. You will be arrested for stalking a stocking.
Sagittarius… The moon is fixed at the moment. Your friends at work are reluctant to correct you on this. But, you should know that with few exceptions, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a cab.
Capricorn… Jupiter is opposed to Venus over some political polling results. Stop ending all your explanations of phenomena with, “And that’s why a bowling ball has three holes in it.” It’s getting old.
Aquarius… Neptune is out of commission and is recuperating in the celestial hospital. You will make the sound; “err” between each word in every sentence you speak this week.
Pisces…Uranus is square with Mars now. You will be hassled by airport security for having a pachyderm in your pocket.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”