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Lotions Leave Lady Listless

Lotion User

Girlfriend Overdoses On Lotion


Area girlfriend Caroline Nagler remains in stable condition at White Plains Hospital today, resting in a medically induced coma after suffering an apparent overdose of scented lotion, sources confirm.

Responding to a frantic 911 call from her boyfriend, emergency personnel said they rushed to Nagler’s residence around 10 p.m. last night and discovered the 26-year-old unconscious in her bed and surrounded by dozens of empty bottles of daily moisturizers, anti-wrinkle treatments, and hydrating balms, suggesting an acute level of lotion toxicity.

“When we arrived, Ms. Nagler’s blood-lotion level was 0.45. That’s four times the lethal limit,” said emergency responder Anne Jones, noting that in addition to finding high levels of Olay and Jergens in her system, doctors also discovered traces of harder oils like ylang-ylang and jojoba. “Her lips were extremely glossy—glossier than I’ve ever seen. It took us hours to stabilize her shea-soaked skin before we could even begin wiping off the many herbal extracts and replenishing creams, not to mention bath and shower gels.”

“We’re guessing that by the time her boyfriend found her, she had been inhaling cocoa butter and eucalyptus fumes for over 45 minutes,” Jones continued. “One more Buf-Puf of jasmine serum and it would have been too late.”

Doctors said that after Nagler arrived at the hospital’s trauma ward, it was a “race against time” to save the young woman’s life, with teams of nurses working around the clock to neutralize the accumulated layers of almond butters, Moroccan oils, essential fruit extracts, and age-defying exfoliants that had left her skin dangerously supple.

After first treating her arms and legs to remove the thick coat of honeysuckle and whipped vanilla gloss, emergency room staff vigorously scrubbed Nagler’s body with gauze to reduce the buildup of vitamin E and hibiscus. Next, the medical team used a high-powered pump to suction the ultra-hydrating lotions from her face and hands, areas that had been exposed to critical periods of long-lasting moisturization.

According to friends, Nagler’s overdose was the result of being a habitual lotion user whose addiction had, as of late, spiraled out of control.

“Caroline didn’t do this to herself on purpose—she just didn’t know her limit,” distraught boyfriend Eric Klein told investigators, recalling that Nagler would often come home covered in a layer of lavender salve without acknowledging that she glistened brightly or smelled heavily of morning dew. “It’s a wonder she hasn’t had an overdose yet; it’s a full-on addiction. She hides the bottles everywhere—underneath the sink, in the back of cabinets. I once saw her pull a small bottle of it out of her purse. She couldn’t go 20 minutes without it.”

“It was only a matter of time before she started mixing lotions,” Klein continued. “Every morning it was a cocktail of prescription-strength aloe-vera, rosewater, sunscreen, Wrinkle Revenge cream, and who knows what else.”

Emergency room doctors say that as lotions become more fragrant, more flirty, and more expensive, hospitals will continue to see cases of women overdosing from the products. In the past week alone, local hospitals treated more than 20 local girlfriends with injuries similar to Nagler’s, according to records.

“The mistake so many women make is thinking they can slather on a layer of cedarwood foam, wait a few minutes, and then start rubbing on some shiny body butter,” said emergency physician Dr. Thomas Nguyen, noting that his own girlfriend had a close call last week when she applied more than 80 doses of Jurlique balancing spray, or “pillow mist” as it’s known in street slang. “The rule of thumb is to use a quarter-sized dollop of lotion, wait an hour, then use more if necessary. Oiling up too quickly vastly increases the risk of internal organ failure, or worse.”

“If you think you have a problem, please seek help immediately,” he continued. “Your life is worth more than having silky- smooth skin, no matter how soft and luxurious it might feel.”

Found @,34884/

A woman just loves her smooth lotions,
She applies them with fervent emotions;
She uses a lot,
Perhaps all that she’s got,
They seem to act like a strong potion.

She slathers the butters on her skin,
From her toes to her lovely, soft chin;
It’s foams and it’s creams,
That are used to extremes,
Is this excess akin to a sin?

She’s prone to ignore her addiction,
Not wanting to cause any friction;
She hides all her balms,
Without any qualms,
She certainly has an affliction.

She ended up in the ER,
From using that stuff in the jar;
The goo was on thickly,
Causing her to be sickly,
Her usage had gone too far.

They say it’s a common condition,
For some it’s a life’s ambition;
They want to look younger,
For lotions they hunger,
Perhaps it’s a predisposition.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Your HORROR – scope for the week of Nov.11th, 2012

Aries… Mars is ruled by Mercury now. Take a sedative. That song you hate will resonate in your mind all week.

Taurus… The sun is juxtaposed with Saturn. You will run into an old friend this week. You will discuss old times in the Emergency Room.

Gemini… Saturn is having its rings re-sized due to a weight gain. Your idea for a theme park based on lard will fail when visitors keep falling off the rides.

Cancer… Uranus is trine with the moon. Beware. The blind date your friends have arranged for you is still swinging in a tree eating bananas.

Leo… Venus is in its ninth house. Soon you will wake up in Dublin where you will speak Gaelic with a mouthful of garlic.

Virgo… Mars is unhappy about being ruled by Mercury this week. You will be internationally famous for your question, “Who is Dennis Miller?”

Libra… Jupiter rules Pluto now, but only on weekends. You will soon fall in love with a dumpster diver.

Scorpio… The moon is waxing now at an auto detailing shop. You are in for a thrill this week. The fireworks in your underwear will ignite.

Sagittarius… Mercury is rising. Beware! A bunch of brash bachelors wants to belittle you in Brooklyn.

Capricorn… Mars is descending now. You will also be asked to bring hot dogs and marshmallows to a cremation.

Aquarius… Jupiter is aligned with the moon. You would be wise to call off the flag pole sitting stunt. Your hemorrhoids will flare up this week.

 Pisces…Pluto is trine with the Earth. Instead of a tip, you will have the urge to give every waiter/waitress a Handy Wipe.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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