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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Sept. 29th, 2013


We hope this week’s predictions will bring a ray of hope and happiness to all of you.

Then again the Celestial Sphere has a way of dashing all hope from time to time.

What’s a mother to do?

Read on and enjoy…

Aries… Mars is in perigee now. After you cast a net, you will fall in love with a Spanish Mackerel.

Taurus…Venus is in its third house fixing some pipes. It’s time to improve your math skills. We suggest you hire a puff adder as a tutor.

Gemini… Mercury is in its fifth house now. Be alert. Your enemies are planning to turn you into an intransitive verb which will be used by Dennis Miller.

Cancer…The Moon is in its last quarter. It may want to borrow some money from you. Be careful. A rock guitarist will try to woo you with his giant geode.

Leo… The Sun is currently at the peak of its eleven year solar weather cycle. It’s getting very tired. You will awaken to find everyone at a national bowling tournament watching you. Why? You will be the head pin.

Virgo… Mercury is waning now. You will soon be the envy of all in the town of Wartville.

Libra… Venus is experiencing solar winds at this time. You will soon become queasy at the site of a Cuisinart.

Scorpio… Pluto is having an icing problem at the moment. Soon you may be a victim of a volley of volleyballs in a valley.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is descending at this time. This week you may encounter a candle wick, a crooked stick and/or a magic trick.

Capricorn… Saturn is on the cusp of Capricorn now. Be cautious. Your enemies want to turn you into an accessory.

Aquarius… Uranus is in perigee at this time. You will soon cave in to a spelunkers demands.

Pisces… Neptune is in retrograde now. Bring a large, sharp knife or scissors with you this week because you will find yourself tied up in traffic.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

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Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Sep 8th, 2013


This week brings a new crop of celestial prognostications.

Our staff has spent the past few days in total concentration to find the best advice known to mankind regarding your particular situation.

Remember, the stars and planets give us these indications.

All we do is report them to you, our very special celestial friends and family.

Enjoy…

Aries… You are ruled by Mars, so get your act together. Your allergy symptoms will subside when you stop sleeping on a bed of drier lint.

Taurus…Venus controls your every move, so watch out. Don’t date a geometry teacher unless you are willing to run around in circles.

Gemini… Mercury is your astrological planet. Obey it or else. Just because you have a great batter recipe doesn’t mean you are eligible for the big leagues.

Cancer… The moon is in Cancer now. It’s so bright, it may keep you awake nights. You will fall in love with a greyhound, only to break up after dating the fake rabbit from the dog track.

Leo… The sun is your sign. This week you may encounter a bowl of Chipotle, Nick Nolte, and/or a Truman Capote fan.

Virgo… Mercury rules the roost for you. Don’t date a hosier salesman. If you break up he/she could end up staking you.

Libra… Venus is your primary planet. You will gain favor with your boss when you stop including the words, “toad face” in your daily greeting.

Scorpio… Pluto is your planet. It rules your every moment. You are always tired because you breathe too heavily. Lighten up.  Listen to Dennis Miller once in a while.

Sagittarius… Jupiter reigns supreme for you. Sleeping in grime is not a crime, but it could get quite dirty.

Capricorn… Saturn dominates your life. Tell your friends they are definitely wrong. If you are diagnosed as bi-polar, you will not have to live alternately in the Arctic and Antarctica.

Aquarius… Uranus is your ruling planet. You will soon be as popular as a topical anesthetic.

Pisces… Neptune rules the house. You enemies are out to make you look glandular.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

 

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

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