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Your HORROR – SCOPE for the week of: Mar. 27th, 2016


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Hello everyone.

Welcome to another week’s worth of wonderment.

Some of you, who spend a lot of time involved in astrology, may notice this week’s charts are not that much different then those published in the Farmer’s Almanac on June 13, 1873. 

If you do notice such similarities, I pity you. You’ve wasted a lot of frivolous time.

This week’s aggregate of angst includes: barbells, whistling, and the ever popular pickerel.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Earth is semi-transitional now and on the cusp of the Aries. That isn’t a good sign for an Aries. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “Pasta And Pickerels – A Winning Combination”.

Taurus… Mercury is in its fourth House arguing with an interior designer over what color drapes it should purchase. That’s not good for you. Sometime in the future, you will marry a goose farmer and come up with the idea for a new book called, “How To Get Down With Down”. Only a few bedding company executives will buy a copy. You will spend many hours of your days fluffing feathers.

Gemini… Venus is in high transitional orbit now. That’s never a good sign for Gemini. In the future, people will think you are odd when you try to get even with someone. They will be disappointed in you. You will lose many friends.

Cancer… The Moon is in its third house having some floors refinished. It’s not going well. That’s not a good sign for a Cancer. In the somewhat distant future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Play The Barbells For Fun And Profit”. Only a few weightlifters and bodybuilders will buy a copy. Depression will set in.

Leo… The Sun is in its eighth house due to an air conditioning problem. It will cost a fortune to fix it. That’s not a good sign for a Leo. In the distant future, you will get a rash or find some trash. Either way, as a result, you’ll be scratching a lot.

Virgo… Mars is in its second house having the roof inspected. It’s not going well. That means trouble for you. In the far distant future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “The Philosophy Of Pickerels”. You will only sell a couple of copies to some university professors. You and your fish will not be happy.

Libra… Pluto is in its second house arguing with a plumber over the price of re-piping the whole place. It’s not going well. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will be involved with a gravesite or a gun site. Either way you’ll have to dig yourself out of trouble. Good luck with that.

Scorpio… Neptune is rising at an alarming rate. It’s getting nervous. That’s not good for a Scorpio. Sometime in the future, you will form, The Diddly-Squat Foundation, where people can send in their hard earned money so that others can get a foundation grant and then do “diddly-squat”. You will not be happy about that.

Sagittarius… Uranus is in his fourth house meeting with a contractor after a meteor shower. It’s not going very well. That spells trouble for you. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Recycle Your Cycle.” In spite of your attempts to pedal those books, you will only sell a few copies to a couple of Tour de France competitors.

Capricorn… Mars is in tri-orbital mode now. That’s never good for Capricorn. One day in the future, you will place your residence on the market. It will not sell for months. You‘ll finally realize the Stock Market isn’t the place to sell a home. You’ll be greatly embarrassed.

Aquarius… Saturn is in semi-prolongation mode now. It’s never good for an Aquarius. In the future, you will spend an entire month whistling songs whose titles will baffle you. It will drive you bananas. You’ll finally seek psychiatric help. Unfortunately, as a result, both you and the psychiatrist will end up whistling songs whose titles will baffle the both of you.

Pisces… Neptune is trying to bi-locate at this time. It is not going well. That’s bad for you. Sometime in the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Promote A Pickerel”. You will only sell a few copies to some fishermen, and one to Dennis Miller. Your friends and family will think you are odd.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Nov. 15th, 2015


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bonne journée mes amis.

Here we are once again, agonizing over your misfortunes for the week.

This week’s selection includes pronouns, roaches, pickerels, and of course, a slaughter house.

I hope they will please you.

If they don’t, then the charts will prove to be correct.

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is transcending at this time. That’s a bad indicator. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Paint Your Pronouns”. You will only sell a few copies to some English teachers. You won’t be happy about it.

Taurus… Neptune is di-lateral at this moment. That always causes trouble. One day, you will open a restaurant called, The Slaughterhouse”. Very few people will dine there once they realize it’s an actual, operating slaughterhouse.

Gemini… Uranus in full opposition now. That’s never good. Sometime in the future, you will fail in your attempt to write a book called, How To Start An Eyebrow Farm. You will get bogged down after writing the title.

Cancer… Saturn’s rings are semi-elongated at this time. That means trouble. In the future, your attempt to open a summer camp for children will fail after you name it, “Camp Maime A Lot”.

Leo… Jupiter is in juxta-trilateral mode now. That’s never good. One day in the future, you will open a restaurant. However, business will drop off dramatically when you sponsor a contest for your customers. To win, they’ll have to count the number of live roaches in a jar…in your kitchen.

Virgo… Mars is faltering at this time. That’s always a bad sign. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Pluck A Politician”. Only a few wannabes will buy a copy using counterfeit money.

Libra… The Earth is in tri-natal position now. That’s always a terrible sign. In the distant future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “Pickerels As Pets”. Only a few Fish And Game Wardens will buy one. You will be terribly disappointed.

Scorpio… Venus is uni-neutral mode at this time. That will pose problems for you. One day you will try to start a fire by rubbing two stick figures together. It won’t work. People will think you are weird. You will become depressed.

Sagittarius… Mercury is tri-nodal now. That isn’t good for you. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “Take Your Pickerel On A Picnic”. Only a few chefs will buy a copy. You will take it hard, and stop fishing.

Capricorn… The Sun is in neutral-trilateral mode now. That’s never good for a Capricorn. Someday, your enemies will try to inoculate you with ice. It won’t work. And, it will feel horrible.

Aquarius… The Moon is low lunar modality now. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will stare into a mirror and become overly reflective as a result. People will think you are weird. They will shun you.

Pisces… Mars is low domination now. That’s not good. In the not too distant future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “Pickerels For Prisoners”. Only a few parolees, and Dennis Miller, will buy a copy. You will lose lots of money and self respect as a result.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of May 26th, 2013


Something very unusual has happened in the Celestial Sphere this week. Pisces, the sign of the fish rules the sky.

This makes for a wave of rather unusual ichthyological predictions.

Believe us. We are not trying to bait you. But, you might just get hooked on this weeks predictions.

Seize the moment, but scale down your activities.

Don’t let this week make you crabby.

Don’t get caught off guard.

Aries… Uranus is on vacation fishing at the moment. You will be groped in the groin by a grouper from Galapagos.

Taurus…The Earth is teaming with snorkelers right now. You will not be wise to hitch your wagon to a star fish, or Dennis Miller.

Gemini… Neptune is on a cruise this week. You will cuddle up on the couch with a cute cuttlefish.

Cancer… Saturn is having a ring job this week. You may think it’s a good idea, but we warn you against putting a moray eel in your underwear.

Leo… Venus is water skiing this week. You will find yourself discussing music with a tuna who’s out of tune.

Virgo… Mars is boiling at the moment because it can’t expand its orbit. A sea cucumber will try to make a salad out of you.

Libra… Mercury is learning how to fly fish this week. You will have a devil of a time with a mischievous angle fish.

Scorpio… The moon is set to affect tides in a big way this week. You will join a choral group comprised of colorful coral.

Sagittarius… Pluto is upset because it can’t get a fishing license due to its demotion from planet status. You will be forced to perform surgery on a spiny lobster.

Capricorn… The Sun is warming up the Earth’s seas now. You will be willfully walloped by a roving group of scallops.

Aquarius… Jupiter is looking to rent a fishing boat now. You will be charmed by a slippery sea snake.

Pisces…Uranus is on holiday at the moment. A perky parrot fish will mock you mercilessly.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.

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Horror-scopes

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Shark Snags Shooter’s System


An underwater photographer lost his camera  while he was fishing for a good shot.

The camera was taken by a shark.

The swimmer was mugged by a shark.

If  there was a photo of the event, I guess it could be called a mug shot.

You just can’t trust those scary, slippery, spineless, scale-less, sea monsters.

Just joking. They’re not really sea monsters, unless you’re being attacked by one.

I wonder if the shark took the photographer’s picture with its new camera.

The fish is probably showed it to his family and friends along with his vacation photos.

By the way, it wasn’t a Loan shark, but it was a lone shark.

Hmmm…

A camera was taken by a shark,

While the owner was off on a lark,

The camera was snagged,

It wasn’t a gag,

He yelled an X-Rated remark.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

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Shark mugging.

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Mar 10th, 2013


There is weirdness and wonderment in the Celestial Sphere this week.

Some of you may be happy with the outcome.

Many of you won’t.

But, don’t blame us for any misfortune you may encounter.

Blame the heavenly bodies which control your every action and reaction.

Enjoy…..

Aries… Venus is in retrograde at this time. You will find the weight you lost. It will appear in unflattering places.

Taurus… Mercury is rising now. Be careful this week. A Foley Artist wants to sound you out.

Gemini… The moon is in its perigee now. You will go deep in debt if you buy wedding gifts for seven brides for seven brothers.

Cancer… Neptune is in its fourth house meeting prospective buyers. Don’t be surprised when people mistake you for a thesaurus.

Leo…Saturn is on the cusp with Mars. Be wise. Don’t let a flamenco dancer step all over you.

Virgo… Uranus is rising at the moment. You will be stalked by a furtive futon while listening to The Dennis Miller Radio Show.

Libra… Mars is on the cusp with Venus. Your family will not be happy when you announce your engagement to a Furby.

Scorpio… The Earth is in its seventh house meeting with a Realtor. You will be swept off your feet by a chimney sweep.

Sagittarius…Pluto is in retrograde at this time. Your life will become as complicated as an Escher drawing.

Capricorn…Venus is rising now. Don’t be surprised when you discover that your fisherman lover is a hooker.

Aquarius…The moon is in its fourth house at the mment. You will soon become very familiar with a tape worm. And you will not measure up to the challenge.

Pisces…Mars is in retrograde and on the cusp with Venus. Be aware of a floundering flounder, a rowdy rounder, and a brash bounder.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

Copyright 2013, Ronald J. Yarosh. All rights reserved.

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Horror-scopes

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Here doggie, doggie.


Japanese toy maker Bandai has created their version of a Smart dog. The gadget uses a free app to turn your iPhone into a walking, barking puppy. You attach your phone to the dog mechanism, turn on the app and have fun. See it at:

http://www.tvkim.com/watch/1850/kims-picks-japanese-robot-dogs?utm_medium=nl&utm_source=notd&utm_content=2012-03-27-article&utm_campaign=end-h

My take on this is…

A guy with an iPhone got lucky,

He turned it into a cute puppy;

It barks and it walks,

Too bad it can’t talk,

The next thing he wants is a guppy.

 

Category:

animals, Apps, computers, dogs, Fish, Humor, iPhone, Laughs, Life, Lifestyles, News, Technology

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