Controversial Court Case Concluded
Panicking Tom Brady Unable To Stop Smirking Since Suspension Overturned
FOXBOROUGH, MA—
A full week after a federal judge overturned his four-game NFL suspension, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady noted with alarm Wednesday that he has been physically unable to stop smirking since the court’s ruling.
“I was obviously really happy when I heard the judge’s decision, but it’s seven days later and all the muscles in my face are still just stuck like this,” said Brady, grinning at reporters with visible fear and panic in his eyes.
“Yesterday, my wife came home upset about something that had happened earlier, and I physically could not stop smirking the whole time she was talking. Even now, I’m trying with every ounce of my strength to just stop smiling, and I can’t. I don’t know what to do—please, God, someone help me.”
At press time, after several hours of uncomfortable tossing and turning in bed, Brady had finally fallen asleep with a pained smirk still frozen on his face.
Found at: http://www.theonion.com/article/panicking-tom-brady-unable-stop-smirking-suspensio-51275
Hmmm…
Tom Brady is wearing a smirk?
Some people still think he’s a jerk,
That under inflation,
Has swept the whole nation,
Others think he is a “Turk”.
To Tom the smirk is alarming,
To others it seems to be charming,
Is it pure luck,
That the smirk has just stuck?
It’s something that could be disarming.
There’s something about this man’s grinning,
He seems to be constantly winning,
The court went his way,
Now he can play,
Can this be a brand new beginning?
© 2015
Ronald J. Yarosh
All Rights Reserved
It is illegal to copy or use this poetry without the owner’s permission.
Humorous Interludes by Ron Yarosh 
Stats Suggest Squishy Suppleness
EDISON, NJ—
Destination Determines Desperately Demanded Dampness
An Onion report says…
“Touting his new website as the premiere online destination for visitors looking for hard-hitting analysis on the malleability and moisture of today’s NFL players, local man and incredibly creepy statistician Todd McIntosh unveiled a new website on Friday.”
“There are a lot of websites out there offering information about the game of football, but no one so far has provided facts and figures on the softness and wetness of today’s athletes that fans so desperately crave.”
“When you visit my site, you’ll have access to all the key dampness-pliability metrics, including defensive suppleness, liquid lost/yard, and QB squishiness ratings.”
” It’s all very important. I like this stuff a lot.”
“At press time, McIntosh was reportedly moistening his lips with his tongue while compiling a list of the NFL’s soggiest defensive ends.”
UPDATE:
“The U.S. Department of Justice has reportedly shut down the site just hours after its launch, taking McIntosh into custody and confiscating dozens of soaking wet photographs of Detroit Lions wide receiver Calvin Johnson.”
This story was found at:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/creepy-statistician-starts-softwetfootballfactscom,34096/
Hmmm…
It’s all about NFL sports,
And moisture in somebody’s shorts;
A measure of sweat,
Is what we will get,
Could it be measured in quarts?
Do fans really want to know wet?
On a huge tight end for the Jets?
Why is it measured?
And the amount treasured?
It’s something I’d rather forget.
Some softness is also a factor,
In high paid NFL actors;
It’s could be didactic,
If used as a tactic,
I’m sure it will have its detractors.
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.
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