Hello all you lovers of love and prognostication.
In an unusual twist, the planets have lined up in a loving way.
If you look at them from just the right angle, you will notice they’re in the shape of a heart.
This is surely an indication they love us… or do they?
So, sit back, relax…but prepare yourself for the upcoming pain.
Aries… Pluto is in his fourth house searching for a bone in the backyard. It’s not going well. That means trouble for you. The future, you will fall in love with someone who has the secret habit of swallowing corks. You won’t see much of your lover on your wedding night because your lover will be spending a lot of time in the bathroom.
Taurus… Saturn is square and in opposition to Taurus now. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will fall in love and marry a rancher. Your wedding night will be interesting when you realize you’ll be sleeping on a bed of barbed wire. Good luck with that.
Gemini… Mercury is in high orbital conjunction with Gemini. That’s not a good sign for you. In the future, will fall in love with a wanna-be porcupine. Your wedding night will be a prickly situation. Ouch.
Cancer…The Moon is hepti-lunial now against Cancer. That’s a foreboding sign. In the future, you will fall in love and marry and outhouse inspector. You would be wise to buy a nose clip and rubber gloves.
Leo…The Sun is in double heliosity at this time. That’s never good for a Leo. In the future, you will fall in love and marry a dairy farmer. Your wedding gifts will include, a manure shovel, a manure wagon, rubber boots, and a manure identification handbook. Good luck with that.
Virgo… Mercury is in a deep depression now due to the fact it hadn’t received any Valentine’s Day cards. That’s not a good sign for a Virgo. In the future you will marry a contortionist. You will spend your wedding night watching your lover try to squeeze into it 1 foot square container.
Libra… The Earth is descending and against Libra at this time. That’s never a good sign for Libra. In the future, you will fall in love and marry an animal psychologist. You will spend your wedding night chasing mice through mazes.
Scorpio… Saturn is di-sectional now against Scorpio. That’s never good for a Scorpio. In the future, you will fall in love and marry the person of your dreams, only to find out later your lover is obsessed with walking backwards in circles day and night.
Sagittarius… Venus is suffering from high altitude delusions now. That’s not good for a Sagittarius. In the future, you we’ll think it’s great to marry a computer hacker, only to find out later the hacking is done with hatchets, axes, and machetes. Don’t get too close. It will be loud and messy.
Capricorn… Mars is in solar court trying to get an injunction against those who are sending probes to its surface. It’s not going well. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will fall in love with a mortician. It will be a huge undertaking, but you will finally get married. Your limo will be a hearse. Your wedding will be adorned with flowers…from local cemeteries.
Aquarius… Mercury is in double opposition to Aquarius at this time. That’s never a good sign for an Aquarius. In the future, you will fall in love with and marry a pastry chef, only to find out later your lover is full of half-baked ideas and will not be the breadwinner you expected. In fact, your lover will loaf a lot… like Dennis Miller.
Pisces… Jupiter is descending now into a quadra-lineal configuration against Pisces. That’s not a good sign for a Pisces. In the future, you will fall in love with an Asian chef whose idea of lovemaking is to constantly soak you in a vat of soy sauce. Ugh!
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh
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