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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Feb. 14th, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello all you lovers of love and prognostication.

In an unusual twist, the planets have lined up in a loving way.

If you look at them from just the right angle, you will notice they’re in the shape of a heart.

This is surely an indication they love us… or do they?

So, sit back, relax…but prepare yourself for the upcoming pain.

Aries… Pluto is in his fourth house searching for a bone in the backyard. It’s not going well. That means trouble for you. The future, you will fall in love with someone who has the secret habit of swallowing corks. You won’t see much of your lover on your wedding night because your lover will be spending a lot of time in the bathroom.

Taurus… Saturn is square and in opposition to Taurus now. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will fall in love and marry a rancher. Your wedding night will be interesting when you realize you’ll be sleeping on a bed of barbed wire. Good luck with that.

Gemini… Mercury is in high orbital conjunction with Gemini. That’s not a good sign for you. In the future, will fall in love with a wanna-be porcupine. Your wedding night will be a prickly situation. Ouch.

Cancer…The Moon is hepti-lunial now against Cancer. That’s a foreboding sign. In the future, you will fall in love and marry and outhouse inspector. You would be wise to buy a nose clip and rubber gloves.

Leo…The Sun is in double heliosity at this time. That’s never good for a Leo. In the future, you will fall in love and marry a dairy farmer. Your wedding gifts will include, a manure shovel, a manure wagon, rubber boots, and a manure identification handbook. Good luck with that.

Virgo… Mercury is in a deep depression now due to the fact it hadn’t received any Valentine’s Day cards. That’s not a good sign for a Virgo. In the future you will marry a contortionist. You will spend your wedding night watching your lover try to squeeze into it 1 foot square container.

Libra… The Earth is descending and against Libra at this time. That’s never a good sign for Libra. In the future, you will fall in love and marry an animal psychologist. You will spend your wedding night chasing mice through mazes.

Scorpio… Saturn is di-sectional now against Scorpio. That’s never good for a Scorpio. In the future, you will fall in love and marry the person of your dreams, only to find out later your lover is obsessed with walking backwards in circles day and night.

Sagittarius… Venus is suffering from high altitude delusions now. That’s not good for a Sagittarius. In the future, you we’ll think it’s great to marry a computer hacker, only to find out later the hacking is done with hatchets, axes, and machetes. Don’t get too close. It will be loud and messy.

Capricorn… Mars is in solar court trying to get an injunction against those who are sending probes to its surface. It’s not going well. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will fall in love with a mortician. It will be a huge undertaking, but you will finally get married. Your limo will be a hearse. Your wedding will be adorned with flowers…from local cemeteries.

Aquarius… Mercury is in double opposition to Aquarius at this time. That’s never a good sign for an Aquarius. In the future, you will fall in love with and marry a pastry chef, only to find out later your lover is full of half-baked ideas and will not be the breadwinner you expected. In fact, your lover will loaf a lot… like Dennis Miller.

Pisces… Jupiter is descending now into a quadra-lineal configuration against Pisces. That’s not a good sign for a Pisces. In the future, you will fall in love with an Asian chef whose idea of lovemaking is to constantly soak you in a vat of soy sauce. Ugh!

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Feb. 7th, 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello again seekers of love, truth, and the future.

The charts have been very kind to you this week.

The pain will only be minimal.

This week’s selections include, olives, Muppets, and the ever-popular…yak.

Good luck, and enjoy… if you can.

Aries… The Earth is semi-transitional now against Aries. That always brings problems. In the future, you will develop a new type of flying fish, which you will sell to the public. Unfortunately there will be a messy problem when the fish begin to molt. You will be ridiculed, and sued.

Taurus… Uranus is trans-subjunctive against Taurus now. That’s never a good sign. One day, you will tell everyone you care for that you love them is much as an olive pit. They will think you are weird and suggest therapy for you.

Gemini… Saturn is semi–trimodal now. That’s not good for a Gemini. In the future, a farmer will have you arrested for giving his Yak, cardi-yak arrest. It won’t end well for you.

Cancer…The Moon is Square and in opposition now to Cancer at this time. That portends problems for you. In the future, you will snuggle up with a slug. It will be cold and wet. You will feel very uncomfortable. You will smell awful. Like Dennis Miller.

Leo… The Sun is quasi–conjunctive against Leo now. That indicates trouble. In the future, your home will be filled with Oscars and Emmys. Unfortunately you will be arrested for stealing them and face jail time.

Virgo… Venus is tri-genital now and in opposition to Virgo. That’s always a bad sign. In the future, you will be develop the habit of sucking on a frozen dinners. People will think you are weird, and shun you.

Libra… Pluto is tri-hedril now against Libra and on the cusp. That’s never a good sign. One day, you will buy a shotgun from a Shogun and sell it to a showman. You will be arrested for selling firearms without a permit.

Scorpio… Mercury is quasi-oppositional now to Scorpio. That indicates problems for you. In the future, you will trip on a mop or get molested by a Muppet, in either case, it won’t end well.

Sagittarius… Mars is in its second ecliptic now against Sagittarius. That always brings problems. Someday in the future, whenever someone makes a comment, asks a question, or just engages in conversation, you will be compelled to say the following, ”Why is that relevant?” You will lose many friends.

Capricorn… Jupiter is square and in opposition to Capricorn. That is not good. One day, you will be famous for your Mildew Stew. Famous due to all the law suits against you. You will lose everything including the beef stock you used for the concoction.

Aquarius… Neptune is tri-lectic and on the cusp of Aquarius. That foretells problems. In the far future, your enemies will trap you in a box of bauxite. You’ll escape eventually, but you will smell like aluminum for a long time.

Pisces… Venus is di-crotic at this time against Pisces. That’s never a good sign. In the distant future, You will become an apologist for an anthropologist. It will be a boring and unrewarding job. Depression will set in.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

The Fortune Cookie For Jan 22nd, 2016


 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014. The link is:

https://ronyaroshauthor.wordpress.com/2014/11/04/fortune-cookie-fortune-for-today/?preview=true&preview_id=1870&preview_nonce=733c1575df&post_format=standard

If you are a new reader of, “The Fortune Cookie”, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for the day:

“If you hate haters you will hate yourself.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Fortune Cookie, Uncategorized

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Jan. 10th, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello planet gazers.

Here’s this week’s gaggle of goodness for your gawking pleasure.

We have scoured the charts for the best of the worst for you.

We hope you enjoy this week’s predictions.

They include bauxite, truffles, and the ever popular underworld.

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is at an odd angle to Aries now. That is not a good sign. One day, you will meet a man who insists he’s Ulysses S. Grant. You will ask him to autograph a fifty-dollar bill. He will refuse to do it. Then he’ll run off with your money.

Taurus… Uranus is in die-quadral mode now. That for tells problems. In the future, when the weather is cold, before leaving your dwelling, you will sugar coat yourself. Dogs and cats will lick you silly.

Gemini… Mercury is in opposition to Gemini now. That’s never good. In the not too distant future, you will open a restaurant specializing in stuffed cabbage. You will stuff it with old tire shreddings. The Board of Health will close you down. You will lose everything, including your sanity.

Cancer… The Moon is in its ultra-quadrant position now. That will bring you problems. In the future you will tell everyone you know that it’s mandatory to giftwrap all bauxite. Eventually, you’ll be confined to a mental institution for observation.

Leo… The Sun is in double helix now. That’s never a good sign. One day in the future you will become disingenuous or disenchanted. Either way you will lose many friends. We hope you can cope.

Virgo… Mars is in Quadra-helic mode now. That’s always a bad sign for a Virgo. In the future you will spend many months researching and writing a book called, “How To Put Ruffles In Your Truffles”. Only a few chefs, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will become depressed.

Libra… Neptune is on the cusp of Libra and in opposition to it. That foretells problems. In the future, you will suffer from stage fright or a bat bite. Either way you’ll sweat a lot, and suffer much pain.

Scorpio… The Earth is in juxtaposition to Scorpio now. That’s never good for a Scorpio. In the future you will consult a dictionary when you begin having dizzy spells. People will think you’re weird and shun you.

Sagittarius… Venus is in juxta-tension at this time. That’s never good. One day you’ll have your picture on currency. Unfortunately it will be drawn by a three year old with a crayon, complete with missing teeth.

Capricorn… Saturn is in tri-poly mode now. That’s never good for a Capricorn. In the distant future you will try to sell underwear to creatures of the underworld. It will never work out for you. As a result you will become depressed.

Aquarius… Mercury is in ultra-tri-modal position now. That is not good for an Aquarius. One day you will swim the oceans looking for a “Sacred Seal”, only to be molested by sharks and killer whales.

Pisces… Venus is in juxta-tension at this time. That’s never good for a Pisces. One day you will try to sell bourbon to Berbers. You will be rejected. Depression will follow.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Jan. 3rd, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, the Future is here.

We’re off to another grim year.

We won’t be bringing much cheer.

Just angst and worry and fear.

We just want to make that clear.

 

Have a Horror-Scopic New Year, my friends.

Aries… Venus is semi-distal now against Aries. That doesn’t look good for you. Someday in the future, you will constantly tell people, “I’ve got schmootz on my nudnick”. People will avoid you.

Taurus… Mars is in tri-quadrinal position at this time. That spells trouble for you. Sometime soon you’ll make a mess in Messina. You’ll have to clean it up by yourself. It won’t be a pleasant experience. You will smell weird afterward.

Gemini… Mercury is in di-hedral mode now. That’s not a good sign. In the distant future, you will only consult with lumberjacks for “log-in” instructions”. People will think you’re silly, and avoid you.

Cancer… The Moon is semi-conjunctive at this time. That’s a bad indicator. One day, you will try to make ice cubes out of water buffalo. You will be gored, but survive. Ouch!

Leo… Sun is tri-modal at this time. That’s an indication of trouble for you. In the future, you will spend thousands of dollars on advertising in an attempt to sell ties for collard greens. People will think you’re weird and avoid you.

Virgo… Pluto is juxtaposing Virgo now. Hmmm, not good. One day in the future you will be afraid to say the word “succulent” in mixed company.

Libra… Neptune is in ultra-tri-modal position now. That’s an indication of trouble for you. Not long from now, you will be involved in something auditory or predatory in either case you will scream a lot.

Scorpio… Uranus is post-uranal at this time. That’s never good. Sometime in the future, you will spend thousands of dollars on advertising in an attempt to sell Hats for Head Lice. Your efforts will fail. You will not be happy, and your head will be very itchy.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in semi-tri-modal position now. Too bad for you. One day, you’re enemies will FEDEX you, and you’ll get lost in transit for a while. It will be a horrifying experience, like spending an evening with Dennis Miller.

Capricorn… Jupiter is in juxta-tension at this time. That will bring you trouble. Someday in the future, you will be attacked by a band of roving grandmothers who will tie you up with geriatric stockings and make your drink dishwater from a twisty straw. It will taste awful.

Aquarius… The Earth is in di-hedral mode now. That’s never a good sign. At a most inappropriate time, your enemies will try to pierce your ears with a jackhammer. They will not succeed, but it will be loud and painful.

Pisces… Mars is in sub-opposition now against Pisces. That’s a terrible indicator. At some point in the future, you will draw a cartoon about a tomb in Khartoum. People will think you are strange, and avoid you.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Dec. 27th, 2015


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good day, fans of tomorrow.

We present you with the last issue of your HORROR-Scope for 2015AD.

We hope use endured the past year in spite of all the horror the planets have heaved on you.

We anticipate that the year 2016 we’ll provide you with pretty much same in the way misfortune, angst, and general torment.

Our final week’s predictions include, snorkels, lice, and the ever popular, big toe.

Good luck in your efforts to overcome the influences of the stars and planets in 2016.

You’re going to need it.

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is in sub-opposition now. That’s not a good sign for you. Sometime in the coming year, you will open an Argument Service For Couples. Unfortunately, you will never get further than arguing about your fees.

Taurus… Venus is semi-conjunctive at this time. That always in results in trouble. Sometime in the coming year, you will be amazed when you have your ears cleaned and the doctor removes a big toe and an ostrich feather.

Gemini… Uranus is transmigrating now. That’s always a bad sign. Sometime in the coming year, you will open a Foundation For Missing Cummerbunds. Unfortunately, except for Dennis Miller, the donations will be few. You will abandon the idea and become overwrought with depression.

Cancer… The moon is sub-lunar at this time. That foretells problems for you. Sometime in the coming year, you will frequent fish markets to find your “filet of sole mate”. It will be a waste of time and you’ll end up with a haddock.

Leo… The sun is in minor decline at this time. That’s never good for a Leo. Sometime in the coming year, your enemies will attempt to stuff you into an old, CRT computer monitor. They won’t be successful, but it will hurt a lot. Paranoia will set in.

Virgo… Mars is intra-angular now with Virgo. That’s unfortunate for you. Sometime in the coming year, you will snicker while eating a Snickers bar. People will think you are devious and avoid you. Angst will set in.

Libra… Saturn is tri-subjunctive at this time. That’s a bad sign for a Libra. Sometime in the coming year, you will attempt to doodle with a poodle using a noodle. Unfortunately, you will get bitten, and the poodle will eat your noodle. Ouch!

Scorpio… Neptune is nebulizing at this time. That will bring you trouble. Sometime in the coming year, you will fall off a cliff while reading Cliff Notes. The fall will be easy. The landing will be hard. Let’s hope your medical insurance covers the incident.

Sagittarius… The Earth is intra-junctive at this time against Sagittarius. That’s never good. Sometime in the coming year, you will spend thousands of dollars in advertising in an attempt to sell SCUBA tanks to skydivers. You won’t be successful. You won’t be happy when it’s over.

Capricorn… Mercury is trilateral and in opposition to Capricorn. That will bring you problems. Sometime in the coming year, you will attempt to giftwrap your voice box. It won’t go well. A massive sore throat will result.

Aquarius… Jupiter is in angular decline at this time. That foretells problems for you. Sometime in the coming year, you will spend months trying to develop the “Reverse Microwave” which will cool things rather than heat them. Your efforts will fail. You will not be happy.

Pluto… Mars in semi-conjunctive and on the cusp of Pisces. That’s a bad combination. Sometime in the coming year, you will open a foundation for Homeless Snorkels. Only a member of the Jacques Cousteau family will contribute to your cause. They will present you with a ton of rotting tuna.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Dec. 20th, 2015


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi there anticipators of gloom.

Here we go again with another week of the world’s most accurate predictions (if you discount the errors).

This week’s list includes a cerebellum, mattresses, and the ever popular, tan line.

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is in tri-quadrinal mode now. That’s a bad indicator for you. Your enemies are planning to groom you with a lawnmower. You will escape with minor injuries, but you will bleed a lot.

Taurus… Mars is semi-distal to Taurus now. That’s a terrible sign. Your enemies will attempt to burn a tan line around your cerebellum. It won’t work and, it will be a little painful. Hopefully you will survive.

Gemini… Venus is in ultra-tri-modal position now. That’s not a good sign for a Gemini. Your enemies will attempt to either dumb down your wisdom teeth, or excise your incisors. Either way it will be quit painful.

Cancer… Mercury is juxtaposing to Cancer at this time. That indicates trouble for you. You will fall in love with a mountain man and reach a peak experience which will only last for a few seconds. Then, depression will set in.

Leo… The Moon is semi-lunar at this time. That’s never good. You will become an expert in leather in order to find a cure for saddle sores. Your attempt will fail. Angst, and Dennis Miller will plague you.

Virgo… The Earth is semi-conjunctive at this time. That’s a terrible sign. One day you will wake up with the desire to sleep between two mattresses. It will be sweaty, stinky, and very uncomfortable. It would lead to anxiety and depression.

Libra… Jupiter is in tri-quadrinal position now. That portends problems for you. One day you will realize your dream job. You’ll have the task of cleaning up after elephants. Have fun with that.

Scorpio… Neptune is in sub-opposition now. That will bring you trouble. Your life will be racked with pain and discomfort when your live, bed bug collection escapes.

Sagittarius… Uranus is in sub-opposition now. We never like that sign. You will begin a new business. You will try to sell diapers to restaurants which serve baby back ribs. You’re attempts will meet with disaster.

Capricorn… Saturn is in juxta-tension at this time. That indicates trouble. You will awaken to find that your right, big toe is as large as a basketball. You will try to sell it to the Los Angeles Lakers, but they will pass on the offer.

Aquarius… Mars is in ultra-tri-modal position now. We never like that sign. Your enemies will landscape you with a lawn mower. You will escape with minor bruises, scratches, and many thorns in your butt.

Pisces… Pluto is in ultra-tri-modal position now. That’s never good. You will encounter a swallow or swallow your tongue. Either way, it won’t end well for you.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Dec. 13th, 2015


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello seekers of tomorrow’s pain.

Here’s another week’s worth of misery.

It’s your favorite, prognosticator of doom and gloom.

Too bad we still have such unfortunate news in this time of celebration and preparation.

Buy hey…That’s life in the Big Universe.

This week’s surprises include a scaffold, a Geek, and the ever popular, Pilates Ball.

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is in bi-trinal position now. That’s an indication of trouble for you. One day, you will try to be bold and fold a scaffold. You won’t succeed. You will become heart broken and depressed.

Taurus… Neptune is super-juxtaposing Taurus now. That indicates trouble for you. In the future you, your enemies will dip you in extra hot, Pico de gallo sauce. You will survive, but hate Mexican food as a result.

Gemini… Uranus is in tri-quadrinal mode at this time. That’s a terrible indicator. Not long from now, your enemies will force you to clean their gutters in the rain, naked and afraid. You will become paranoid as a result.

Cancer… The Moon is in demi-lunacity at this time. That doesn’t look good for you. At some point in the future, your enemies will force you to eat every Early Bird Special in all the restaurants in your area. After a while, you’ll be coughing up feathers.

Leo… The Sun is in ultra-tri-modal position now. That spells trouble. In the somewhat distant future, your enemies will shock you with electronic cigarettes. It will not be a nice experience.

Virgo… Saturn is juxta-posing Virgo now. We never liked that sign. One day, you will either meet a crazy Greek, or and insane Geek. In either case, it will not be a happy experience.

Libra… Jupiter is in sub-opposition to Libra now. Hmmm, not good. Sometime soon, your enemies will try to trim your hair with the road grader. It will hurt a lot, but only for a year or two.

Scorpio… Mars is semi-trinal mode now. That foretells problems for you. Be extra careful at all times. In the distant future, your enemies are planning to take you on a slay ride. We wish you good luck with that.

Sagittarius… Earth is hinting at post-uranalization at this time. That isn’t’ good. Not long from now, you will awaken one morning with the acting ability of Bill Paxton. Too bad for you.

Capricorn… Venus is juxtaposing Capricorn at this time. Not good. One day in the future, your enemies will over inflate you. One day in the future, you will bounce around like the Pilates ball. You will become weak, tired, and dizzy, kind of like Dennis Miller.

Aquarius… Mercury is in juxta-tension at this time. That’s a terrible indicator. Sometime in the future, your enemies will force-feed you surf and turf, using ocean water and grass. Yuck.

Pisces… Uranus is in di-hedral mode now. That indicates trouble for you. In the future, you will realize you are allergic to rat tails and snails… after you have eaten both.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Dec. 6th, 2015


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello my collective colleagues of catastrophe.

The holidays are sneaking up on us like snails on roller blades.

Soon they’ll be upon us.

Chaos and cacophony will be your lot.

This week’s list of lovely laments includes an ostrich, Tuesday Weld, and the ever popular, mummy.

Enjoy…

Aries… Mercury is in adjunct position to Aries now. That’s never good. In the somewhat distant future, things won’t go well for you when you try to photograph your hippocampus on a college campus.

Taurus… Venus is in tri-orbital modulation now. That will pose problems for you. One day you will try to ostracize an ostrich. People will call you a birdbrain. You will become depressed and lonely.

Gemini… The Earth is in opposition to Gemini now. That’s not a good sign.   Sometime in the future you will try to sell shoes for walking sticks. You will be the sole proprietor. It won’t work out for you. Sadness and depression will set in.

Cancer… Moon is in post orbital di-angulation now. That foretells problems. In the distant future your enemies will try to weld you to Tuesday Weld on a Wednesday. It will be painful, but you will survive.

Leo… The Sun is on the cusp of Leo, and in opposition. That will bring you problems. One day, down the avenue you will stroll, while reading an Egyptian scroll. You will be arrested for abusing antiquities and spend some time in jail.

Virgo… Mars is in hi-orbital integration at this point. That doesn’t look good for you. Someday, you will scream for your mommy when you see a mummy dressed as Billy Mumy.

Libra… Jupiter is in tri-quadrinal position now. That’s always bad for a Libra. In the future, you will begin a public speaking business. Your first, (and last) speech will surprise your audience. It will be on the topic of, Gargling with Gorgonzola.

Scorpio… Saturn is tri-modal at this time. That isn’t a very good sign. After many years of research, you will write a how to book entitled, “How to Pick Your Nose With Pickles”. It will cover topics from gherkins to bread and butters. Only a few chefs, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy, then return them for a refund.

Sagittarius… Uranus is sub-dialectic now. That usually foretells problems. In the future, your craving for water will go away after you take the sponge out of your mouth.

Capricorn… Neptune is in subtrification at this time. That’s never a good sign for a Capricorn. In the future your hearing will improve when you take the bacon strips out of your ears.

Aquarius… Pluto is tri-modal at this time. That will bring you problems. One day, you will meet a maniac in Maine who will try to remove your brain. You’ll survive with minor injuries.

Pisces… Earth is in juxta-tension at this time. That always foretells problems. In the future, you will either meet a doctor or read a document. In either case it will not end well for you.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Nov. 15th, 2015


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bonne journée mes amis.

Here we are once again, agonizing over your misfortunes for the week.

This week’s selection includes pronouns, roaches, pickerels, and of course, a slaughter house.

I hope they will please you.

If they don’t, then the charts will prove to be correct.

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is transcending at this time. That’s a bad indicator. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Paint Your Pronouns”. You will only sell a few copies to some English teachers. You won’t be happy about it.

Taurus… Neptune is di-lateral at this moment. That always causes trouble. One day, you will open a restaurant called, The Slaughterhouse”. Very few people will dine there once they realize it’s an actual, operating slaughterhouse.

Gemini… Uranus in full opposition now. That’s never good. Sometime in the future, you will fail in your attempt to write a book called, How To Start An Eyebrow Farm. You will get bogged down after writing the title.

Cancer… Saturn’s rings are semi-elongated at this time. That means trouble. In the future, your attempt to open a summer camp for children will fail after you name it, “Camp Maime A Lot”.

Leo… Jupiter is in juxta-trilateral mode now. That’s never good. One day in the future, you will open a restaurant. However, business will drop off dramatically when you sponsor a contest for your customers. To win, they’ll have to count the number of live roaches in a jar…in your kitchen.

Virgo… Mars is faltering at this time. That’s always a bad sign. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “How To Pluck A Politician”. Only a few wannabes will buy a copy using counterfeit money.

Libra… The Earth is in tri-natal position now. That’s always a terrible sign. In the distant future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “Pickerels As Pets”. Only a few Fish And Game Wardens will buy one. You will be terribly disappointed.

Scorpio… Venus is uni-neutral mode at this time. That will pose problems for you. One day you will try to start a fire by rubbing two stick figures together. It won’t work. People will think you are weird. You will become depressed.

Sagittarius… Mercury is tri-nodal now. That isn’t good for you. In the far future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “Take Your Pickerel On A Picnic”. Only a few chefs will buy a copy. You will take it hard, and stop fishing.

Capricorn… The Sun is in neutral-trilateral mode now. That’s never good for a Capricorn. Someday, your enemies will try to inoculate you with ice. It won’t work. And, it will feel horrible.

Aquarius… The Moon is low lunar modality now. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will stare into a mirror and become overly reflective as a result. People will think you are weird. They will shun you.

Pisces… Mars is low domination now. That’s not good. In the not too distant future, you will spend many months and lots of money researching and writing a book called, “Pickerels For Prisoners”. Only a few parolees, and Dennis Miller, will buy a copy. You will lose lots of money and self respect as a result.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

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