Humorous Interludes by Ron Yarosh

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Sept 4th, 2016

We are here with another week’s worth of the wrecking ball.

We looked at the charts inside and out.

It was better inside because it was raining out.

This week’s work of wonderment includes: a kayak, monkeys, and the ever popular… bladder.

Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is in tri-subjunctive mode at this time. That is not good for an Aries. One day in the future, you will kayak, wearing a haversack, near a yacking yak, who will charge you, causing you’re boat to capsize. Hopefully you’ll be wearing a life preserver.

Taurus… Mars is in hyper-retrograde position now, and in opposition to Taurus. That‘s not a good combination. In the future you will be known for your ability to become disheveled.

Gemini… Mercury is on the cusp of Gemini and square with it. That combination is never good for a Gemini. In the future, you will become innocent, then indecent, and finally reticent.

Cancer… The Moon is entering Spasmatosis mode now. That’s not a good sign for Cancer. In the future, you will do a remarkable standup performance in front of the monkey cage at a local zoo. You will eventually find yourself behind bars.

Leo… The Sun is nearing Quadrahedral position now. That’s never a good sign for Leo. In the future, you will make an indecent proposal to a gorilla. Afterwards, you will be arrested by the vice squad along with Dennis Miller.

Virgo… Saturn is approaching dientropic position now. That’s always a bad sign for a Virgo. In the future, you will fly low, under the radar, but you’ll eventually crash into the radar’s dish. Ouch!

Libra… Neptune is square with Libra, but in dire opposition to it. That is not a good combination. In the future, your enemies will try to to make your head the centerpiece of a wreath. They will fail, however you will develop a phobia of anything green.

Scorpio… Pluto isn’t hyper-perplectic mode at this time. That’s never good for a Scorpio. Someday in the future, you will spend many months and a lot of money researching and writing a book called, “How to Get Ahead In Lice”. Only a few entomologists will buy a copy. You will be very unhappy.

Sagittarius… The Earth is quadrangular to Sagittarius now. That’s an ominous sign. One day in the future, you will wake up and smell the coffee as you fall off a twenty story building in Manhattan, and then land on a Starbucks awning.

Capricorn… Jupiter is in hyper-distentive mode now. That’s not good for Capricorn. In the future, you will suddenly feel numbness in your adrenal glands. There’ll be no cure for it. Let’s hope your health insurance is up-to-date.

Aquarius… Venus is in diocentric mode now. That’s never good for an Aquarius. One day in the future, you will be confined to a mental hospital after you are found in the park discussing Freud with your bladder.

Pisces… Neptune is nearing hyper-endonic mode now. That’s a terrible position for a Pisces. In the future, you will hold up in a wilderness lodge, and then realize that you find no logic in anything, especially your thoughts.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

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