This week brings a new crop of celestial prognostications.
Our staff has spent the past few days in total concentration to find the best advice known to mankind regarding your particular situation.
Remember, the stars and planets give us these indications.
All we do is report them to you, our very special celestial friends and family.
Aries… You are ruled by Mars, so get your act together. Your allergy symptoms will subside when you stop sleeping on a bed of drier lint.
Taurus…Venus controls your every move, so watch out. Don’t date a geometry teacher unless you are willing to run around in circles.
Gemini… Mercury is your astrological planet. Obey it or else. Just because you have a great batter recipe doesn’t mean you are eligible for the big leagues.
Cancer… The moon is in Cancer now. It’s so bright, it may keep you awake nights. You will fall in love with a greyhound, only to break up after dating the fake rabbit from the dog track.
Leo… The sun is your sign. This week you may encounter a bowl of Chipotle, Nick Nolte, and/or a Truman Capote fan.
Virgo… Mercury rules the roost for you. Don’t date a hosier salesman. If you break up he/she could end up staking you.
Libra… Venus is your primary planet. You will gain favor with your boss when you stop including the words, “toad face” in your daily greeting.
Scorpio… Pluto is your planet. It rules your every moment. You are always tired because you breathe too heavily. Lighten up. Listen to Dennis Miller once in a while.
Sagittarius… Jupiter reigns supreme for you. Sleeping in grime is not a crime, but it could get quite dirty.
Capricorn… Saturn dominates your life. Tell your friends they are definitely wrong. If you are diagnosed as bi-polar, you will not have to live alternately in the Arctic and Antarctica.
Aquarius… Uranus is your ruling planet. You will soon be as popular as a topical anesthetic.
Pisces… Neptune rules the house. You enemies are out to make you look glandular.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.