Aries… Mars is favorable right now. Exercise will be good for you, especially after your bypass surgery.
Taurus… The Moon is in trine with Jupiter. Clean those party snacks out of your sinuses.
Gemini… This is your lucky week. Uranus is on the cusp with Venus and she likes it. You will be invited to play whist with a retired mud wrestler who cheats at cards.
Cancer… Good news for you. Pluto is petitioning to become a planet again. Stop using that face cream on your wrinkles. Your mate loves the look of a Shar-Pei.
Leo… Aries is in cancer this week. Your musical talent will improve when you get a new kazoo.
Virgo… There’s a Moon-Mars union in Virgo. Your love triangle will be cut short with a noisy chain saw.
Libra… The asteroid Zorgo is in opposition to Mars. You’ll finally meet the love of your life… at the gorilla encounter.
Scorpio… Saturn casts a shadow on your life. You’ll feel much better after you put Post Toasties in your underwear.
Sagittarius… Neptune has just been realigned by a car mechanic. You will not be mugged this week. But, it will happen.
Capricorn… A waxing moon indicates you will be overcome by your own flatulence.
Aquarius… Uranus and Saturn are at odds over a poker hand. It’s time to get rid of those piercings. Your dream of a circus career will never materialize.
Pisces…The Sun will be in Venus soon. Your idea for a Mother’s Day gift is practical. But does she really need a post hole digger?
BTW… Remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”