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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: October 26th, 2014


astrology

This is the week for fun, fear, and treats.

Here is our special edition of, Your HORROR-Scope, for Halloween week.

The stars took a weird turn this year.

They offer you some scary situations to deal with.

It’s time to get your coping caps on.

Try not to scream too loud.

Enjoy…

Aries … Uranus is going on a hunting spree this week. This is bad for you. You will dress as a nun for Halloween and call yourself a creature of habit. Then you will be desecrated.

Taurus…Saturn is in its eighth house decorating for a Halloween party. On a future Halloween night, you will have the idea that you can scare children by doing the Boogaloo. Unfortunately, you will begin to pirouette and screw yourself into the floor.

Gemini… Mars is out buying candy for Trick or Treat night. Be sure to wear clean underwear this week. A creepy Halloween creature will scare the pants off you. It could be Dennis Miller.

Cancer… Neptune is on the cusp of Cancer. It’s also in its fifth house practicing goblin gestures. This is not good. You will make a scary costume (entirely of gold) and call yourself Freddy Krugerrand. However, you will be hijacked and locked in a vault.

Leo…The Sun is going to a Halloween party dressed as the Moon. This portends terrible things for you. You will not be happy when a neighbor carves your pumpkin with an AK-47.

Virgo… The Moon has decided dress as a cheese ball for Halloween. That’s not very creative. It means a bad week for you. Your friends will tell you to hit the road when you arrive at a Halloween costume party dressed as a travel trailer with a blocked toilet. Yuck!

Libra…Mercury is threatening to crash a Halloween party because it wasn’t invited. This is terrible for you. A crazed witch will change you into an acorn then send you to a forest full of squirrels.

Scorpio… Pluto is going to a Halloween party dressed as Mickey Mouse. Get ready for a major shun. You will not please your neighborhood kids when you hand them small bags of sugar coated chicken feathers as treats.

Sagittarius… Venus is having an anxiety attack over what to dress as for Halloween. This may be organic, but it’s nasty. You will be shocked when you are suddenly shucked in a corn maze by a Colonel.

Capricorn… Uranus is square with Capricorn at this time. That’s not good. You’re going international. Your friends will be confused when you arrive at a costume party dressed as Venezuela. Then, you will be attacked by rebels who want to overthrow you.

Aquarius… Mars is going to decorate the Mars Rover for Halloween this year. That’s horrible for you. You will not know which way to turn this week. Your blood will boil when a mad witch throws you into a hot cauldron. Let’s hope you like to simmer.

Pisces… Jupiter is in its fifth house arranging cobwebs. It’s a bad sign. You will be highlight of a Halloween party when you go dressed as a street lamp. Unfortunately, a “lady of the evening” will stand next to you all night soliciting business.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: October 19th, 2014


astrology

Welcome friends.

As we creep closer to Halloween, we have notice an increase in creeps creeping about.

What does this mean for all of us?

It means we should all have a greater awareness of our surroundings.

In addition, we should arm ourselves with the latest anti-creep technology like Creep Defender, which is a high voltage stun gun designed to locate, then relocate, all crazed creeps in a five mile radius. It also works on zombies. You can find one at Creep Control Inc. or, Creeps.com the web. But hurry, supplies are limited.

 Oh, if you can’t find the site, you aren’t looking hard enough. I don’t have the link because it changes every three seconds. Don’t ask me why. Good luck with that.

This weeks predictions run the range from prancing to porcupines.

 Enjoy…

Aries… The Moon is in Cancer at this time and is anxious to get home and have a drink. You may just like this prediction. In the not too distant future, you will prance and dance but without pants. You will be arrested for indecent exposure and, for frightening small children and animals.

Taurus… Saturn is in its second house getting it ready for new renters. This foretells legal action. In the future, you will have the uncontrollable urge to petition the World Court to make the Animal Kingdom form a democracy.

Gemini… Mars is on the cusp of Gemini now. This will keep you busy for a while (years in fact). In the not too distant future, you will set out to make a documentary proving that bears do not use toilet tissue in the wild when they relieve themselves. The bears will seek privacy and not cooperate. You will end up with a bare bottom.

Cancer… The Sun is in its fifth house making preparations for Halloween. It’s having a hard time. It keeps burning up the decorations. Get ready for some quick cash. In the distant future, you will earn extra money by renting out parts of your brain for scientific study.

Leo… Pluto is resting after a harrowing week of howling at the Moon. This is not good for Leos like you. Sometime in the not too distant future, you will buy a Kindle or get swindled. Either way you’ll be out out some cash.

Virgo… Mercury is in its third house having a backed up toilet fixed. This sends mixed signals for you. In the distant future, you will find yourself in an oven, or in a coven. It’s not clear. It could get hot either way, especially if the witches build a bon fire.

Libra …Neptune is rising now and is a little light headed. This will make you have strange thoughts. In the near future, you will mistakenly believe that eating duplicating toner will make someone a copycat. You may be right.

Scorpio … Jupiter is trine with Scorpio now. This will bring out the animal instinct in you. In the distant future, you will befriend an aardvark that will reveal the secrets of the animal kingdom to you. You will be disappointed when you find out there is no pork in a porcupine.

Sagittarius … Venus is descending now at an alarming rate. This is not good for you. Sometime in the future, you will either get a shock form a hair drier, or burnt by a deep fat fryer. Either way it will be painful.

Capricorn … The Earth is trine with Capricorn now, but it wants to be in opposition for some unknown reason. This foretells a quest for better health. Sometime in the not too distant future, you will convince yourself that furniture polish holds the secret to a long and healthy life. You will have the shiniest colon on the planet, just like Dennis Miller.

Aquarius … Uranus is in its seventh house having the rugs cleaned. This portends good and bad news for you. In the not too distant future, you will become rich and famous with a bestseller called, “How to Daydream At Night”. However you will flitter your fortune away on a daybed.

Pisces… Saturn is trine with Pisces now. This portends a musical experience for you. In the future, you will open a sheet music store for songbirds. The place will soon become a health hazard. It will be closed, due to smelly, bacteria laden droppings. The molting season will be a disaster for you.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes, Uncategorized

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Oct 27th, 2013


The celestial sphere has arranged itself in preparation for this year’s Halloween festivities.

Unfortunately, it indicates some rather bleak predictions.

So, get ready for some scary situations.

Happy Halloween!

Enjoy…

Aries… Mars is getting ready for a big celestial Halloween party. Be on the alert this week.  Goblins want to turn you into ingredients for a deadly drink.

Taurus…Venus is shopping for a costume for the Halloween festivities. Be extra careful this week. A wicked witch wishes to bake you in a soufflé for Dennis Miller.

Gemini… Mercury is upset because it ordered a load of chocolate and it melted from being too close to the sun. Watch out.  A mad scientist wants to dissect you.

Cancer… The Moon is waning now. Here’s something you should know. You will awaken as a cockroach comfortably sleeping in a Roach Motel infested with bed bugs.

Leo… The Sun is chuckling because of Mercury’s mistake with some chocolate (see Gemini). You will be accepted into a med school…as a cadaver.

Virgo… Mercury is upset because it ordered a load of chocolate and it melted from being too close to the sun. Your luck will change shortly. You will soon be a cut-up at a dissection meeting.

Libra… Venus is overjoyed after being invited to the big celestial Halloween bash.  Keep writing, but keep a hammer handy. Soon you will create a best cellar.

Scorpio… Pluto is pumped up in anticipation of Halloween, his favorite time of the year. Be careful this week. Your pumpkin will try to carve you.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is out buying candy for trick or treaters. You will continually tell the following joke this week. Did you hear about the musician who got a job at a grave yard? He’s now making tune stones.

Capricorn… Saturn is hosting the celestial Halloween party. Be careful which mask you wear this year. It may just permanently adhere to your face.

Aquarius… Uranus can’t decide which costume to wear for the celestial Halloween ball. This week you will have the uncontrollable urge to gobble a goblin..

Pisces… Neptune Your life will change a lot in the near future. You will soon join a band of banshees.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

Category:

Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Oct. 28th, 2012


Well Halloween is right around the corner. The planets are going to have a big party. They predict appropriate harrowing happenings for one and all.

Have a horror filled holiday.

Aries… Neptune can’t decide what costume to wear for Halloween. This week you will have the desire to embrace the entrails of fresh road kill in Skukill.

Taurus… Pluto has decided to buy a Snoopy costume for the big party. Be ready for many rumblings. Your kids won’t be happy when you suggest they trick or treat dressed as zippers.

Gemini… Mars is upset because it hasn’t received a party invitation. You’ll be a big hit at your Halloween party when you dress as a piñata.

Cancer… Venus has finally gotten her Halloween treats for the kiddies (little tins of ozone). Watch out. This week you will be plagued by a pirouetting pumpkin from Paducah carrying a pitchfork.

Leo… Mercury has decided to hand out last year’s Halloween leftover candy to unsuspecting visitors. Beware! You will be spooked by the scary skeleton of a scullery maid from Scranton.

Virgo… The Earth is in opposition with the decorating committee for the event this Wednesday. Forget your idea for a unique surprise for the trick or treaters this Halloween. They won’t appreciate little plastic bags of pus.

Libra… Uranus is making its own costume again this year. It will go to the party as the comet, Hale Bopp. Travel may be in your immediate future. You will have the urge to bob for apples in Appalachia on an Appaloosa.

Scorpio… Saturn is busy buying snacks for the big event this week. This Halloween you may just awaken to find that you are a wiggly worm attached to a wire hook dangling over a pond full of petulant piranhas.

Sagittarius… Mars is in opposition to all the other planets this week. Scorpion juggling is apparently in your immediate future.

Capricorn… Neptune is worried that it won’t be able to afford a costume for the party. It wants to go as the solar system. You will certainly win a prize for the most original costume when you go to the party dressed as scar tissue.

Aquarius…The Moon is busy carving its pumpkin. You will scare the socks off your Halloween party guests when you dawn your Dennis Miller mask.

 Pisces…Venus was supposed to mail out the invitations for the gala event this week, but she misplaced them. Your Halloween party game of  Bobbing for Bobcats will be a scream.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Horror-scopes

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