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Your HORROR – scope for the week of: Dec. 29th, 2013


We hope you and yours have had a happy holiday season thus far.

This is the last Horror-scope for the year 2013.

My staff and I feel that it might have been a rather horrible year for some of you.

Don’t fret. It isn’t your fault.

After all, the year did have a 13 in it.

Hopefully, 2014 will bring more “subdued” predictions.

However, the Celestial sphere seems to have a mind of its own.

Be ready for anything.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Earth is square with Aries at this time. You will become world famous for your reporting skills when you reveal that department store Santas are a result of a worldwide government cloning experiment that went wrong.

Taurus… Uranus is trine with Taurus at the moment. You will become rich and famous for your cook book called, “Cooking With Kettledrums”.

Gemini… Saturn is rising now. In the near future, you will become bemused while you are being used.

Cancer… The Moon is waning at this time and it’s sad. Please smile at it from time to time to cheer it up. You will soon be confronted by your frontal lobe.

Leo… Mars is in perigee at this time and is thrilled about it. You will be on your best behavior when a man called Xavier visits you.

Virgo… Mercury is trine with Virgo now. You will flounder and nearly drown in a stream of consciousness.

Libra… Venus is descending at the moment and is not happy about it. You will soon recreate with a reprobate. Could it be Dennis Miller?

Scorpio… Uranus is at its perigee at this time. You will soon encounter duplicity, electricity, and/or elasticity.

Sagittarius… Neptune is in its fourth house sulking, and we don’t know why. Be wary! You will discover something hairy and scary while riding a dromedary near Tucumcari.

Capricorn… Jupiter is in opposition to Capricorn at this time. Your lucky number is three. Your lucky item is a DVD. Your lucky insect is a bee. But, you will be very unlucky after watching something on TV.

Aquarius… The Sun is not experiencing any solar flares at this time, and it is very happy about that. Sorry, but soon, there will be no exceptions to your imperfections.

Pisces… Pluto is in its seventh house getting ready for a New Year’s Eve party. You will soon borrow a stack of old, blue, Melmac from someone named Jack who is addicted to crack.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Your HORROR – scope for the week of Dec. 9th 2012


The planets and celestial bodies are aligned just right this week, especially for the holiday season. They bring you gift suggestions from beyond. Take heed and choose carefully.

Aries… Take the woolly mammoth present off your gift list. They are sold out…again this year.

Taurus… Don’t buy your sweetie another personality. You always buy the wrong size anyway.

Gemini… The perfect gift for that someone special is undoubtedly the ear wax sculpture. Get it while they’re hot.

Cancer… This year, buy the gift that makes a statement. Get a spatula for every room in the house.

Leo… Yes, buy it today. Your honey always wanted to be a pig farmer.

Virgo… This year we recommend you take more time when purchasing that special gift. After all, there are a lot of items in those dollar stores.

Libra… Don’t give your special one money again this year. Your darling already has enough for three Monopoly games.

Scorpio… What a wonderful gift choice you’ve made this year. After all only special people can use a Gum Scraping Gift Certificate.

Sagittarius… Don’t over think this opportunity for a unique gift. No doubt about it, getting a BOGO Pre-paid Funeral deal is dead on.

Capricorn… The stars can’t be wrong. We definitely recommend you buy your loved one the trained eels.

Aquarius… Don’t wait until the last minute. Schedule it today. His and her lobotomies are a no-brainer.

Pisces… You are wise to buy your friend a rectal examination. It’s the perfect gift for a pain in the butt, or for Dennis Miller.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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