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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Oct 4th, 2015


 

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Hi there, fellow space gazers.

We’re happy to see you again.

Ready for another round of prognostications?

Too bad if you’re not.

As usual, the charts indicate plethora of problems.

Our chart analysis for this week includes fiberglass, gobblers, and of course the ever popular, salmonella.

Enjoy… if that’s possible.

Aries… The Earth is rising at alarming rate. That’s not good for an Aries. Someday you will realize that your future lies somewhere between salmon and salmonella. Good luck with that.

Taurus… Pluto is trans-conjectal at the moment. That always foretells trouble. In the future, you will try to convince people that in order to obtain complete happiness in life, they must go the way of the pimple. Your followers will abandon you, once they discover that you are loony.

Gemini… Venus is in its fifth house with a termite inspector. Things aren’t going well. That spells trouble for you. For a period in your life, the only friends you will have will be your ear buds. That will be a sad experience, unless you are naturally a loner. Let us know how that works out.

Cancer… The Moon is in Cancer at the moment and bi-urinal as well. That predicts trouble for you. In the future, you will spend many months writing an e-book called, ”Fun With Fiberglass”. Readers will try to sue you when they can’t overcome the painful itchiness they have as a result of handling the substance. You will spend many days in court. It won’t end well.

Leo… The Sun is high conjecture now. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will spend many months writing an e-book called, “How To Prognosticate Using Prune Pits”. No one will understand it. Amazon, and other e-book outlets, will quickly reject it. You will not be happy.

Virgo… Uranus is in retrojected position now, and that’s never good. One day in the future, you will write a cookbook consisting of rat’s liver recipes. You will only sell a few copies to some zoologists, and one to Dennis Miller. And, you will suffer intestinal distress after tasting all the meals you prepared using the main ingredient. You will not venture far from a restroom. Whew!

Libra… Jupiter is dijectional now. That always brings trouble to a Libra. In the future, your enemies will try to turn you into a Piñata. You will escape with minor injuries. But, you will be hunted down for the candy you took with you.

Scorpio… Mars is di-orbital at this time. Di-orbitalism is a bad thing. One day, you will be involved in a lie or mishandle some lye. It will be painful one way or another. You might want to get yourself  prescriptions for some painkillers and Valium. Good luck with that.

Sagittarius… Mercury is divanial now. That is a troubling sign. One day in the distant future, you will be gored by a gaggle of gobblers. You will survive it with many scars and a good story to tell. Afterwards you will suffer from gobblerphobia. Let us know how that works out for you.

Capricorn… The Earth is trixihedral at the moment. That always foretells trouble. In the future, you will spend many months writing a book called, “How Man-Handle A Manatee”. Only a few wild life officials will buy a copy. Animal rights people will boycott you. You will be saddened and paranoid as a result.

Aquarius… Mars is mono-dihedral at this time. That is never a good sign for an Aquarius. One day you will play the Pan flute in Panama. Unfortunately, you will be arrested by the Panamanian Police for flute playing without a license. You will be fined and deported. Let us know how that works out for you.

Pisces… Saturn is in heliotrophic aspect at this time. That is an indicator of trouble for you. One day in the future you will go to a comedy club. While there, you will be accosted, and then punched, over a punch line. It will be painful. Hopefully your health insurance will still be in force, but it probably won’t cover the injuries.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: March 29th, 2015


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As you can plainly see, we are back again with another rendition of your favorite weekly list of practical predictions.

You are eager to see what the planets have in store for you.

You want to find out what the future will bring.

Well, as usual, the future is not bringing you gifts of happiness and joy.

After all this is a HORROR-Scope.

This week’s bevy of badness includes a grass skirt, authorships, and something called, Magic Muffin Dust.

Enjoy, my little pretties.

Aries… Mercury is planning a vacation but has just found out that a solar storm will ruin it. That isn’t good for you. An injury, or courtroom perjury, is in your distant future. Either way it will be painful for you.

Taurus… Neptune is in its fourth house arguing with some tenants. That’s never a good sign. In the not too future, you will have your ups and downs when you get trapped in an elevator for thirteen hours, thirteen minutes, and thirteen seconds. You will be accompanied by thirteen hungry rats

Gemini… Mars is reclining now but feels nauseous. That spells trouble. Someday, you will float away into the sky after your cardiologist inserts helium filled balloons into your heart’s arteries during a balloon angioplasty.

Cancer… Saturn is in transit now through an unscheduled asteroid storm. It hates asteroid storms. That’s bad for you. In the distant future, you will run into a lawn mower while wearing a grass skirt, but you won’t get really hurt until you plow into the dirt. Ouch!

Leo… The Earth is in its third house changing all the light bulbs to more energy efficient types. It’s a lot of work and the Earth is not happy. That spells trouble for you. Not too long from now, you will experience blight in the middle of the night without a light, causing great fright. Let us know how that works out for you.

Leo… Jupiter is rising from a deep sleep and is disoriented. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will attempt to learn Spanish in order to impress some Spanish moss. It will never work out because you will never be able to get the verbs right.

Libra… Uranus is square with Libra now and that’s never good. In the not too future, you will spend years writing a bestseller called “The Thinking Man’s Guide To Pondering”. You will only sell a few (for a dollar) to wandering hobos, street corner beggars, and Dennis Miller.

Scorpio… Venus is rising now and is getting light headed. That’s never a good sign. In the future, shortly after you get a degree in Criminology, you will begin a crime spree of your own. Of course you will get caught when you brag about how clever you think you were in covering up your foul deeds.

Sagittarius… The Sun is in opposition to Sagittarius at this time. That spells trouble for you. You will soon make an important connection and it will shock you. Sorry about that.

Capricorn… Pluto is trine with Capricorn and is anxious about it. That foretells problems. Sometime in the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Lick A Lippizon”. Only a few horse trainers, and Dennis Miller, will buy it.

Aquarius… Mars is in opposition to Aquarius at this time. Opposition is never good for you. Sometime in the distant future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Gauge Gullets For Fun And Profit”. You won’t sell a single copy.

Pisces… The Moon is on the cusp of Pisces now, but wants to be in its fifth house for a party. That combination is never good. One day you will awaken, convinced that a substance called Magic Muffin Dust will cure the world of all ills and evil. You will spend the rest of your life searching for it.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: October 19th, 2014


astrology

Welcome friends.

As we creep closer to Halloween, we have notice an increase in creeps creeping about.

What does this mean for all of us?

It means we should all have a greater awareness of our surroundings.

In addition, we should arm ourselves with the latest anti-creep technology like Creep Defender, which is a high voltage stun gun designed to locate, then relocate, all crazed creeps in a five mile radius. It also works on zombies. You can find one at Creep Control Inc. or, Creeps.com the web. But hurry, supplies are limited.

 Oh, if you can’t find the site, you aren’t looking hard enough. I don’t have the link because it changes every three seconds. Don’t ask me why. Good luck with that.

This weeks predictions run the range from prancing to porcupines.

 Enjoy…

Aries… The Moon is in Cancer at this time and is anxious to get home and have a drink. You may just like this prediction. In the not too distant future, you will prance and dance but without pants. You will be arrested for indecent exposure and, for frightening small children and animals.

Taurus… Saturn is in its second house getting it ready for new renters. This foretells legal action. In the future, you will have the uncontrollable urge to petition the World Court to make the Animal Kingdom form a democracy.

Gemini… Mars is on the cusp of Gemini now. This will keep you busy for a while (years in fact). In the not too distant future, you will set out to make a documentary proving that bears do not use toilet tissue in the wild when they relieve themselves. The bears will seek privacy and not cooperate. You will end up with a bare bottom.

Cancer… The Sun is in its fifth house making preparations for Halloween. It’s having a hard time. It keeps burning up the decorations. Get ready for some quick cash. In the distant future, you will earn extra money by renting out parts of your brain for scientific study.

Leo… Pluto is resting after a harrowing week of howling at the Moon. This is not good for Leos like you. Sometime in the not too distant future, you will buy a Kindle or get swindled. Either way you’ll be out out some cash.

Virgo… Mercury is in its third house having a backed up toilet fixed. This sends mixed signals for you. In the distant future, you will find yourself in an oven, or in a coven. It’s not clear. It could get hot either way, especially if the witches build a bon fire.

Libra …Neptune is rising now and is a little light headed. This will make you have strange thoughts. In the near future, you will mistakenly believe that eating duplicating toner will make someone a copycat. You may be right.

Scorpio … Jupiter is trine with Scorpio now. This will bring out the animal instinct in you. In the distant future, you will befriend an aardvark that will reveal the secrets of the animal kingdom to you. You will be disappointed when you find out there is no pork in a porcupine.

Sagittarius … Venus is descending now at an alarming rate. This is not good for you. Sometime in the future, you will either get a shock form a hair drier, or burnt by a deep fat fryer. Either way it will be painful.

Capricorn … The Earth is trine with Capricorn now, but it wants to be in opposition for some unknown reason. This foretells a quest for better health. Sometime in the not too distant future, you will convince yourself that furniture polish holds the secret to a long and healthy life. You will have the shiniest colon on the planet, just like Dennis Miller.

Aquarius … Uranus is in its seventh house having the rugs cleaned. This portends good and bad news for you. In the not too distant future, you will become rich and famous with a bestseller called, “How to Daydream At Night”. However you will flitter your fortune away on a daybed.

Pisces… Saturn is trine with Pisces now. This portends a musical experience for you. In the future, you will open a sheet music store for songbirds. The place will soon become a health hazard. It will be closed, due to smelly, bacteria laden droppings. The molting season will be a disaster for you.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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