Finding The Humor In Life|A Place for Laughs|Poetry|Humorous Stories…

Posts tagged ‘Humor’

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May 3rd, 2015


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome back dear friends of the unknown.

I’m sure you  are all anxiously awaiting your fortunes.

Well, fear not.

They are ready for you. 

This week’s list of predictions includes durians, brains, and curls.

I hope you can cope.

Enjoy.

Aries… Mars is nearing adjunct with Aries now. That is a bad sign for you. In the future, your enemies will try make you famous by photographing your pineal gland for the front cover of Brain Surgery Monthly. Unfortunately, the magazine will reject the photo.

Taurus… Venus is rising after a terrible night’s sleep. It’s in a bad mood. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will share a Time Share with someone named Cher while she’s having an affair. It won’t be pretty. It will be like listening to Dennis Miller.

Gemini… Mercury is in its second house with a termite inspector. Things don’t look promising. That’s never good for you. In the future, you will have the urge to develop a perfume based on the aroma of durian. You will never finish the project after the Odor Patrol discovers your laboratory.

Cancer…The moon is in its eight house wrapping gifts for an upcoming birthday. It’s having trouble with the paper. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will adopt an ape while wearing a cape in Cape Town. It will trash your home. Eventually you will release it back into the wild.

Leo… The Sun is planning another round of solar flares. That’s always bad for a Leo. In the future, you will finally make peace with a peace pipe. Soon after, it will reject you never calling or texting you again.

Virgo… Mercury is in its third house having a sprinkler system installed. It’s having trouble with a valve. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will befriend a tipsy gypsy near the Black Sea. She will swindle you out of all your money.

Libra… Venus is square with Libra now, but wants to be on the cusp. That’s never good. In the future, you will labor over a light saber with a neighbor, but you’ll never get it completed after your power is shut off

Scorpio… Pluto is having trouble with the local zoning commission over a building permit for a new house. That foretells problems for you. Somewhere, sometime, your hair will curl like a little girl’s as a flag unfurls. You will be ridiculed.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is upset because a renter in its seventh house is late with its rent payment. That spells trouble for you. In the future, your enemies will tie-dye you and sell you to some Hippies at a flea market.

Capricorn…Saturn is descending now and is depressed over it. That’s always a bad sign for Capricorns. In the future, you will meet someone in a meat market. They will try to filet you. You will escape with minor injuries.

Aquarius… Uranus is in its seventh house getting ready for a garage sale. It’s depressed because it is selling a lot of sentimental items. That will bring you trouble. Your enemies will make you look older by putting wrinkle cream all over your face. It won’t turn out well for you.

Pisces… Neptune is nearing the cusp of Pisces now. It would rather be square. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will become befuddled after falling in a puddle with a poodle.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Matron Mulls Mortality


 

 

old lady

Senior Citizen Keeps Mind Active By Contemplating Death

PORTLAND, ME—

In an effort to remain mentally sharp well into her golden years, local senior citizen Evelyn Gordon, 86, told reporters Thursday she keeps her mind active by regularly contemplating her rapidly approaching death.

“For just a few minutes every day, I really try to focus in and challenge my brain by thinking about all the different ways I might die in the next few years,” said Gordon, who attempts to improve cognitive function by performing mental exercises whenever she has downtime, such as calculating the number of days she has left on earth or carefully visualizing friends and family paying their respects at her funeral.

“Then, before bed, I like to give my memory a nice workout by recalling all of the close friends and loved ones who have already passed away, and how that could realistically happen to me any day now. Of course, mostly I keep my mind sharp by concentrating on what it means to vanish into nothingness and be utterly forgotten. It really helps keep me alert.”

Gordon added that she has also taken to learning something new every day about the neurodegenerative diseases that will quite possibly claim her mind sometime soon.

Found@ http://www.theonion.com/articles/senior-citizen-keeps-mind-active-by-contemplating,38311/

 Hmmm…

Evelyn contemplates death,

Taking her last living breath;

When is her last day?

Could it be today?

It seems to have shades of Macbeth.

 

She thinks of the ways she could die,

And the people who would surely cry;

She thinks of folks gone,

Those who have moved on,

She doesn’t look back and ask why.

 

She does it for mental agility,

She hopes it will help her abilities;

She thinks about dying,

Without any crying,

Death has its own grave futility.

 

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: March 29th, 2015


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As you can plainly see, we are back again with another rendition of your favorite weekly list of practical predictions.

You are eager to see what the planets have in store for you.

You want to find out what the future will bring.

Well, as usual, the future is not bringing you gifts of happiness and joy.

After all this is a HORROR-Scope.

This week’s bevy of badness includes a grass skirt, authorships, and something called, Magic Muffin Dust.

Enjoy, my little pretties.

Aries… Mercury is planning a vacation but has just found out that a solar storm will ruin it. That isn’t good for you. An injury, or courtroom perjury, is in your distant future. Either way it will be painful for you.

Taurus… Neptune is in its fourth house arguing with some tenants. That’s never a good sign. In the not too future, you will have your ups and downs when you get trapped in an elevator for thirteen hours, thirteen minutes, and thirteen seconds. You will be accompanied by thirteen hungry rats

Gemini… Mars is reclining now but feels nauseous. That spells trouble. Someday, you will float away into the sky after your cardiologist inserts helium filled balloons into your heart’s arteries during a balloon angioplasty.

Cancer… Saturn is in transit now through an unscheduled asteroid storm. It hates asteroid storms. That’s bad for you. In the distant future, you will run into a lawn mower while wearing a grass skirt, but you won’t get really hurt until you plow into the dirt. Ouch!

Leo… The Earth is in its third house changing all the light bulbs to more energy efficient types. It’s a lot of work and the Earth is not happy. That spells trouble for you. Not too long from now, you will experience blight in the middle of the night without a light, causing great fright. Let us know how that works out for you.

Leo… Jupiter is rising from a deep sleep and is disoriented. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will attempt to learn Spanish in order to impress some Spanish moss. It will never work out because you will never be able to get the verbs right.

Libra… Uranus is square with Libra now and that’s never good. In the not too future, you will spend years writing a bestseller called “The Thinking Man’s Guide To Pondering”. You will only sell a few (for a dollar) to wandering hobos, street corner beggars, and Dennis Miller.

Scorpio… Venus is rising now and is getting light headed. That’s never a good sign. In the future, shortly after you get a degree in Criminology, you will begin a crime spree of your own. Of course you will get caught when you brag about how clever you think you were in covering up your foul deeds.

Sagittarius… The Sun is in opposition to Sagittarius at this time. That spells trouble for you. You will soon make an important connection and it will shock you. Sorry about that.

Capricorn… Pluto is trine with Capricorn and is anxious about it. That foretells problems. Sometime in the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Lick A Lippizon”. Only a few horse trainers, and Dennis Miller, will buy it.

Aquarius… Mars is in opposition to Aquarius at this time. Opposition is never good for you. Sometime in the distant future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Gauge Gullets For Fun And Profit”. You won’t sell a single copy.

Pisces… The Moon is on the cusp of Pisces now, but wants to be in its fifth house for a party. That combination is never good. One day you will awaken, convinced that a substance called Magic Muffin Dust will cure the world of all ills and evil. You will spend the rest of your life searching for it.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Scared Swans Separating?


700.hq

 

 

Study Finds Swans Only Other Animals Who Mate For Few Years, Get Scared, End Things, Then Regret It

 

ATHENS, GA—

Revealing how closely the waterfowl’s social behavior resembles that of humans, a study released Thursday by the University of Georgia has found that swans are the only other members of the animal kingdom that mate for a few years, get scared, decide to end things, and are later filled with immense regret.

“Although most animals either procreate freely or select a single partner with which to mate for life, we observed that swans, like humans, get freaked out about their relationship after an extended period of time together, abruptly call things off, and then come to realize they made a huge mistake,” avian biologist Michael Brooks told reporters, noting that both humans and swans typically grow increasingly dissatisfied with their romantic partner following a particularly monotonous period of feeding and nesting before panicking and concluding that they’re just not ready to settle down.

“While a swan that separates from its partner will inevitably determine that this impulsive decision was foolish, by the time the bird comes to this realization, its former companion has already met someone new and is very, very happy.”

Researchers also noted that only humans and swans enter a painful spiral of regret over their lost relationship and then compulsively mate with several partners in a futile effort to recapture what they once had.

Found @   http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-finds-swans-only-other-animals-who-mate-for,38198/

Hmmm…

Swans not staying together?

They’re not mating forever?

One leaves the nest,

Perhaps due to stress,

Their relationship is severed.

 

A recent swan study has found,

They’re not ready to settle down,

They are dissatisfied,

With what they have tired,

Do they leave not making a sound?

 

Later the swans have regrets,

Does that also apply to Egrets?

When they depart,

Does it break their hearts?

Is it something they cannot forget?

 

Or, is this study a fake?

If so, please give me a break,

In so many words,

We’re not like those birds,

We don’t swim and live in a lake.

 

It’s true couples do split,

When their life styles don’t fit,

But that’s not to say,

It is the swan’s way,

That’s something you’ll have to admit.

 

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: March 1st, 2015


horoscope chart

 

We’re back.

We have a whole new batch of badness for you this week.

The predictions range from wormwood to waddles.

We hope you can tolerate it.

Good luck!

 

Aries… The Moon is in its seventh house playing Monopoly with a neighbor. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will convince yourself that you can catch fish with wormwood as bait. In the end, the only thing you’ll catch is termites.

Taurus… Mars is trending now, and on the cusp of Taurus at this time. That spells trouble for you. Someday, you will believe that you can get some spring in your step by gluing coils on your shoes. It will work, but you will end up with two sprained ankles.

Gemini… The Earth is descending to new lows at this time. Hmmm. That’s going to present problems for you. In the future, you will become the star of the cigar aficionado world when you become the world’s first human humidor. The humidity will cause your skin to get puffy and wrinkled.

Cancer… Venus is square with Cancer now. That’s not good for you. You will spend years and hundreds of dollars researching and writing a book called, “How to Languish for Fun And Profit”. You will later find that people are just too lazy to buy it, or read it. Unfortunately, it will become a flop.

Leo… Uranus is trine with Leo now. Too bad for you. In the future, you will feast on Dungeness crabs in a dungeon. However, you will get pneumonia from the dampness of the dungeon, and an allergic reaction from the crabs.

Virgo… Neptune is in its fifth house having the rugs shampooed. The place smells awful. That’s not good. In the future, you will sail the seven seas after marrying a sailfish. Unfortunately, you will be seasick the whole time.

Libra… Saturn is on the cusp of Libra now. That’s always bad. In the future, you will want to swim in safe waters, but you will not remember the combination. You will go into the water anyway, only to be accosted by a loony locksmith.

Scorpio… Pluto is in opposition to Scorpio now. That’s not good for you. In the not too future, you will spend years and thousands of dollars researching and writing a book called, “How To Waddle Your Way To Wellness”. Only a few quack doctors, and Dennis Miller, will endorse it.

Sagittarius… Mercury is descending into madness now. Too bad for you Sagittarians. In the future, you will feel a lot better, and walk straighter when you take the gourds out of your underwear.

Capricorn… The Sun is rising now in opposition to Capricorn. That’s not good for you. In the distant future, you will lose pounds pondering near a pond, wasting the rest of your life there in thought but no action.

Aquarius… Jupiter is in its third house now That spells trouble for Aquarians. Someday, you will sell your retirement investment, (a button collection) for what you believe is a more profitable risk, (a zipper collection). Unfortunately, the zipper market will fall apart when it gets caught up in a scandal. Bottom line, you will lose all your money, and your pants.

Pisces… Venus is in opposition to Pisces at this time. Hmmm. That’s going to present problems for you. In the future, you will decide to get a job in a tin mine. You will quit that job after you develop tinnitus.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Happy Valentines’s Day 2015


I decided to repost a cartoon I did a few years ago for Valentine’s Day.

I hope you like it. 🙂

Valentine Request

 

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Jan 25th, 2015


astrology

 

Hello folks.

Once again, our Astro-Cyber-Prognosticator 2070, (AKA, Mondas 2070) has compiled the latest in celestial chart analysis just for you.

The results are just a few sentences from here.

We hope you can cope.

If you’ve been with us for any length of time, you are a survivor, and we salute you.

Enjoy…

Aries … Pluto is on the cusp of Aries at this time and is nervous about it. That’s not good. In the future, you will have the urge to steal the prepositions from all written works. On your first attempt, you will be caught and arrested by the Grammar Police.

Taurus … Uranus is trine with Taurus at this time and nearing the cusp. That foretells problems. In the not too distant future, you will wake up and convince yourself that calibration is the answer to longevity.

Gemini … The Moon is in its eighth house repairing some dry wall. That is just bad for you. In the not too distant future, you will be harassed by a band of roving oysters. They will annoy you with loud music from Pearl Jam.

Cancer … Jupiter is aligned with Venus now. That’s spells trouble. In the future, you will spend all your money to acquire acreage near Anchorage. Unfortunately, it will be under water and totally inaccessible.

Leo … Uranus is square with Leo at this time. That’s not too good for you. In the future, you’ll get a ticket for not wearing a seatbelt on cattle drive.

Virgo … The Earth is in opposition to Virgo now. That foretells problems. In the distant future, you will attempt to sell insurance to chickens and accept payment in eggs. The insurance company will deny all claims due to your illegible writing, which they will describe as “chicken scratching”.

Libra … Mars is adjacent to Libra now. That spells trouble. In the future, you will spend years researching and writing a book called, “How To Pamper Pampas Grass”. You will only sell a few copies to gauchos and one to Dennis Miller.

Scorpio … Mercury is rising now and nearing the cusp of Scorpio. That’s bad. In the not too distant future, you will get banged up on a bus while watching the movie, “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”. Your insurance will not cover your injuries.

Sagittarius … The Sun is in opposition to Sagittarius now. That’s spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will attempt to develop rubber gloves so you can get a grip on your sanity. However, they will never work very well.

Capricorn … Jupiter is descending now toward the cusp of Capricorn. That’s not very good. In the not too distant future, you will try computer dating. Unfortunately, your date will crash after a software malfunction.

Aquarius … Venus is trine with Aquarius at this time. Too bad for you. In the future, you will get head lice twice after handling some mice in a maze. You’ll be itching to get rid of them.

Pisces … Saturn is aligned with Pisces now. That foretells problems. In the not too distant future, you will spend many months researching, and writing a book called, “How To Pamper Your Pancreas”. You will only sell a few copes to gastroenterologists and one to Dennis Miller.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

The Fortune Cookie For: Jan 9th, 2015


cookie

 

 

 

 

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, The Fortune Cookie, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“Nothing runs like a nose.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

 

Fine Floor Fantasy Finally Fulfilled


Floors

EDINA, MN—

Moved by a grand and profound force to expand her maple-finish domain beyond its limited borders in the kitchen, area woman Linda Ellison finally achieved her own manifest destiny of hardwood floors throughout her home this week, sources confirmed.

“Though I understood it would be a long, arduous journey that would likely take many years to complete, I always knew deep down that one day, I would be able to look out across high-gloss, select-grade wood panels stretching all the way from the foyer to the back guest room,” said Ellison, who, despite numerous obstacles, never wavered in her pursuit of covering all 1,900 square feet of her ranch-style home in a varnished, light-tone flooring.

“Finding mold in the den underneath the old Berber carpeting and having to reroute some electrical work may have temporarily slowed us, but nothing could stop our advancement.”

“Now, at long last, every corner of the concrete subfloor has been covered in interlocking 2-and-a-quarter-inch hardwood, and this fated vision has become reality.”

Sources noted, however, that Ellison’s full-scale transformation of the household landscape had come at the cost of the forced relocation of her husband’s favorite recliner to the basement.

Found @

http://www.theonion.com/articles/woman-fulfills-manifest-destiny-of-hardwood-floor,37711/

Hmmm…

A woman got some new floors,

Her carpeting would be no more,

It’s done in light tone,

To improve her home,

It’s something she really adores.

 

It took many years to complete,

The nineteen hundred square feet,

Now it’s installed,

From wall to wall,

It was a difficult feat.

 

It cost her husband his chair,

Which had been sitting right there,

It’s been relocated,

Perhaps it was hated,

Did he consider that fair?

 

Whatever the case may be,

The jobs done as we can see,

The work is now over,

And she sits in clover,

A manifest destiny.

 

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

The Fortune Cookie For: Jan 7th, 2015


cookie

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” I find in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a life changing “contest” I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

If you are a new reader of, The Fortune Cookie, you should read the fortune cookie story “contest” I just mentioned above. It might make more sense.

Here’s the fortune cookie “thought” for today:

“Vanity can lead to insanity.”

I hope you found it enlightening, or thought provoking, or weird, or whimsical, or funny, or just plain satisfying like a good cup of coffee, tea, or a bottle of fine wine.

As Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day”.

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

 

Tag Cloud

<span>%d</span> bloggers like this: