Welcome back dear friends of the unknown.
I’m sure you are all anxiously awaiting your fortunes.
Well, fear not.
They are ready for you.
This week’s list of predictions includes durians, brains, and curls.
I hope you can cope.
Aries… Mars is nearing adjunct with Aries now. That is a bad sign for you. In the future, your enemies will try make you famous by photographing your pineal gland for the front cover of Brain Surgery Monthly. Unfortunately, the magazine will reject the photo.
Taurus… Venus is rising after a terrible night’s sleep. It’s in a bad mood. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will share a Time Share with someone named Cher while she’s having an affair. It won’t be pretty. It will be like listening to Dennis Miller.
Gemini… Mercury is in its second house with a termite inspector. Things don’t look promising. That’s never good for you. In the future, you will have the urge to develop a perfume based on the aroma of durian. You will never finish the project after the Odor Patrol discovers your laboratory.
Cancer…The moon is in its eight house wrapping gifts for an upcoming birthday. It’s having trouble with the paper. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will adopt an ape while wearing a cape in Cape Town. It will trash your home. Eventually you will release it back into the wild.
Leo… The Sun is planning another round of solar flares. That’s always bad for a Leo. In the future, you will finally make peace with a peace pipe. Soon after, it will reject you never calling or texting you again.
Virgo… Mercury is in its third house having a sprinkler system installed. It’s having trouble with a valve. That isn’t good for you. In the future, you will befriend a tipsy gypsy near the Black Sea. She will swindle you out of all your money.
Libra… Venus is square with Libra now, but wants to be on the cusp. That’s never good. In the future, you will labor over a light saber with a neighbor, but you’ll never get it completed after your power is shut off
Scorpio… Pluto is having trouble with the local zoning commission over a building permit for a new house. That foretells problems for you. Somewhere, sometime, your hair will curl like a little girl’s as a flag unfurls. You will be ridiculed.
Sagittarius… Jupiter is upset because a renter in its seventh house is late with its rent payment. That spells trouble for you. In the future, your enemies will tie-dye you and sell you to some Hippies at a flea market.
Capricorn…Saturn is descending now and is depressed over it. That’s always a bad sign for Capricorns. In the future, you will meet someone in a meat market. They will try to filet you. You will escape with minor injuries.
Aquarius… Uranus is in its seventh house getting ready for a garage sale. It’s depressed because it is selling a lot of sentimental items. That will bring you trouble. Your enemies will make you look older by putting wrinkle cream all over your face. It won’t turn out well for you.
Pisces… Neptune is nearing the cusp of Pisces now. It would rather be square. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will become befuddled after falling in a puddle with a poodle.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved