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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Sept. 25th, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello again my friends of fortunes.

Another week has flown by.

Unfortunately, it crashed and burned.

We’ve worked the charts over, and they’ve given us their best.

Too bad, their best isn’t good enough.

This week’s agenda includes: gherkins, Smokey Bear, and the ever popular, Seven Dwarves.

Enjoy…

Aries… Saturn is in high transitional mode now. That is not a good sign for an Aries. In the future, you will open a nail salon where are you will trim peoples toenails with hedge clippers. Lawsuits will follow. You will lose a lot of money.

Taurus… Mars is in high substantive mode now. That will only bring you trouble. In the future, you will suddenly develop a fear of gherkins, girth, and/or Garth Brooks. You will rarely leave your home, kind of like Dennis Miller.

Gemini… Mercury is in opposition to Gemini and on the cusp of Mars. That’s a terrible sign for a Gemini. In the distant future, you will spend much time and a lot of money researching and writing a book called, ”How to be Avuncular For Fun and Profit”. Only a few social scientists we’ll buy a copy. You will not be happy with that outcome.

Cancer… The Moon is in its seventh house getting its heating system inspected. It’s not going well. That means trouble for you. One day in the future, you will be famous on Broadway for your nut roll. However, your fame will be short lived. Depression will set in.

Leo… The Sun is in its lower quadrant now and in opposition to Leo. That is not a good combination. In the distant future, you will spend much time and a lot of money researching and writing a book called, “How to Lean Forward For Fun and Profit”. Only a few fast walkers will buy a copy. You will not be happy about that.

Virgo… Uranus is in ultraphasic mode now. That is not a good sign for a Virgo. In the future, you will find yourself having difficulty memorizing the names of the Seven Dwarfs. Eventually, you will wind up sleepy, grumpy, and dopey.

Libra… Mars is in opposition to Libra and at odds with it. That’s never a good sign for a Libra. Keep a close eye on your bones this week. Your enemies are planning to disarticulate you.

Scorpio… Pluto is in super dimensional mode now. That’s a bad sign for a Scorpio. In the future, you are going to find a lot of money in those slacks you haven’t worn in months. The cash will be useful during your next Monopoly game.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in tri-gencial position now. That’s never a good sign for a Sagittarius. Soon your friends and family will think you’re strange when you constantly vibrate at a high frequency.

Capricorn… The Earth is in bi-modal mode now. That is a bad condition for a Capricorn. Things will go terribly wrong when you invite Smokey Bear to a barbecue that goes terribly wrong. As a result, he will not hug you. Afterwards, you will be sad.

Aquarius… Venus is in semi-transitional mode now. That is a terrible sign for an Aquarius. In the future, you will become confused when you try to decide whether to buy elevator shoes or escalator shoes. The whole idea will drive you batty.

Pisces… Neptune is in di-verticular mode now. That is not a good sign for a Pisces. In the future, you will write a bestselling book called, “Gathering Gussets For Fun And Profits”. Only a few gusset collectors will buy a copy. You will not be pleased over the outcome.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

Category:

Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Sept. 18th, 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome back lovers of lunacy.

We’re here with another week’s worth of horror.

It’s what you been waiting for, haven’t you?

This week’s conglomeration of confusion includes: acorns, lint, and the ever-popular hemorrhoids.

Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is in dialectic conjunction with Aries. That will only bring you problems. In the not too distant future, you will spend a lot of time and a lot of money to open a museum of lint. Only a few Laundromat executives will show up to observe your exhibits.

Taurus… Mercury is rising at an alarming rate, and in opposition to Taurus. That is not a good combination. In the future, your enemies will try to wrap you in bacon to promote you as a new snack food. They will fail, however you will be followed unmercifully by dogs and cats the rest of your life.

Gemini… Mars is in diametric mode now and on the cusp of Gemini. That is not a good combination. In the future, you will spend a lot of money and time opening a museum of toenail clippings. Only a few podiatrists will show up to look at your exhibits. From then on, things will seem dark and dreary to you.

Cancer… The Moon is rising and on the cusp of Cancer at this time. That is not a good combination. In the distant future, you will only carry on conversations with yourself. People will think you are strange. They will avoid you like they avoid Dennis Miller.

Leo… The Sun is in opposition to Leo, and in dissension at this time. That is a troubling sign. In the distant future, your enemies will dip you in chocolate. You will escape, but from that day on, people will have an urge to lick your face. You will not leave your home much afterwards.

Virgo… Pluto is in tri-geminal mode now and in opposition to Virgo. That’s not a good sign. In the future, you will have the uncontrollable urge to sit on flagpoles. You will spend a lot of time in jail. You will not be happy when you develop hemorrhoids.

Libra… In the not too distant future, you will paint yourself into a corner. Unfortunately for you, you will be using the non-dryable paint that you yourself have developed. You will spend a lot of time thinking about your folly.

Scorpio… The Earth is in tri-oppositional mode against Scorpio. That will only bring you misfortune. In the future, you will spend a lot of money and time opening a museum of warts. Only a few dermatologists will ever show up to view your exhibits. You will become depressed.

Sagittarius… Venus is square and in opposition to Sagittarius at this time. That’s definitely a bad sign. One day in the future, you will find yourself taking a selfie with a grizzly bear. Unfortunately, the photo will be taken while the bear is attacking. You will escape with minor injuries, but you will develop a fear of photos afterwards.

Capricorn… Mars is on the cusp of Capricorn and square with it. That portends problems for you. Sometime in the future, you will have a penchant for sucking acorns. Squirrels will follow you everywhere. People will think you are weird and shun you. Depression will set in.

Aquarius… Saturn is in hyper opposition to Aquarius at this time. That is never a good sign for an Aquarius. In the distant future, you will use the word repository in every conversation whether it is appropriate or not. People will think you are strange. They will avoid you. You won’t understand why that is happening.

Pisces… Neptune is in high declension at the moment. That’s not good for a Pisces. In the future, you will attempt to use a pogo stick to climb the steps of the Washington Monument. You will be arrested. No one will bail you out. You will not be happy.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 28th, 2016


 

horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello once again.

We hope you had a fruitful… or vegetable week.

My staff has been working very hard on this week’s prognostications.

However, the outlook isn’t any better than it was last week.

This week’s fortunes include: flax seed, knee joints and the ever popular, worms.

Enjoy…

Aries… Uranus is on the cusp of Aries but square with Virgo. That’s not a good combination for an Aries. Sometime in the future, your ultrasound will fall on deaf ears.

Taurus… Neptune is in hyperlink phase now and in opposition to Taurus. That is never a good sign for a Taurus. In the future, a roving band of flax seed will attack you unmercifully.

Gemini… Mercury is square with Gemini and descending at this time. That portends problems for you. In the future, you will spend many months writing a book called, “How To Be Pithy In A Pith Helmet”. You will only sell one copy to a Safari organizer. You will be very disappointed.

Cancer… The Moon has decided to become multiphasic in the future. That’s not a good sign for a Cancer. In the somewhat distant future, you will fight with yourself over the concept of verisimilitude. The conflict will go on for months. Good luck with that.

Leo… The Sun is in its hyper-plasticity mode now. That’s never a good sign for a Leo. In the future, you will be arrested for exposing your pineal gland in public.

Virgo… Mars is hyper-plegic mode now. That foretells problems for all Virgos. One day in the future, a Garmin will mistakenly take you to a garment district. You will be hopelessly lost for months, like Dennis Miller.

Libra… Venus is in opposition to Libra now and square with Aquarius. That’s not a good combination for a Libra. In the future, an insane photographer will shoot you from a low angle. Watch out. He won’t be using a camera.

Scorpio… Mercury is on the cusp of Scorpio and descending rapidly. That combination is not good for you. In the distant future, you will awaken to find that your ankles have been stolen and replaced with knee joints. It will take many months and lots of physical therapy to get used to your new configuration.

Sagittarius… Pluto is in divergent mode now against Libra and Sagittarius. That requires extra caution on your part. In the future, you will wrestle with a problem…you will lose in three falls.

Capricorn… The Earth is square with Capricorn but in opposition to it. That’s never good for a Capricorn. In the somewhat distant future, The Vice Squad will arrest you when they see you looking at something with your naked eyes. You will spend the night in jail.

Aquarius… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars at this time. That always means trouble for an Aquarius. In the future, you will become a world famous worm whisperer. You will find yourself underground most of the time in wet, mucky areas.

Pisces… Mars is on the cusp of Pisces and misaligned with Jupiter. That will only bring you misfortune. In the future, each time you are asked for an ID, you will open your wallet and flash the genitals of a male squirrel. You will be whisked away to a mental institution.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Aug 21st, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello again, dear devoted readers of this blog.

Thanks for hanging in there while we were on a long anticipated vacation.

We are now thoroughly rested.

And, totally invested… in Your HORROR – Scope.

This week’s antics include: chicken necks, gnats, and the ever popular…diarrhea.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Earth is in semi-co-ordinal phase now. That’s usually a bad sign for an Aries. Sometime in the future, you will open a museum of caves. People will think you are batty. You won’t be happy about that.

Taurus… Uranus is in half diametric mode now. That foretells problems for you. In the future you will be obsessed with using the word “unguentine” in all your conversations. People will think you are weird and avoid you.

Gemini… Mercury is in quadralinial position now. That’s a bad position for a Gemini. The future, you’ll describe everything and everyone you like using the phrase, “That’s real shed” or “He/he’s real shed”. We’re sure you get the point. You will end up in a psychiatric clinic for observation.

Cancer… The Moon is in its waning gibbous phase but wants to be waxing. That portends problems for you. In the future you will spend all your money to open a museum of guttural sounds. Only a few linguists will visit it. You will be ashamed. You will walk away mumbling.

Leo… The Sun is in di-burfication mode now. That’s not good for a Leo. In the future you will spend all your money to open a restaurant called, The Barf. Except for a few bulimics, you won’t get many customers. You will shut the place down within a month. You will lose all.

Virgo… Mars is on the cusp of Virgo, but in retrograde now. That’s a bad sign for a Virgo. In order to compete with the chicken wings craze in food, you will do something entirely different. You will open a chicken neck restaurant. It will fail when The Society Against Chicken Neck Consumption (SACNC) sues you and wins in court.

Libra… Venus is in cross-sublimation mode now. That’s not good for a Libra. One day in the future, you will start a fund raising campaign to clean up the oceans. Your funding will stop when contributors realize you’re going to do it…1 gallon at a time.

Scorpio… Jupiter is on the cusp of Scorpio but misaligned with Mars. That always results in problems for a Scorpio. People will think you are crazy when you begin to write notes to yourself… on your forehead.

Sagittarius… In the distant future, you will find yourself asking people for just an hour of their time…thinking you will live longer. You will be labeled as a fool by everyone. You will not be happy.

Capricorn… Pluto has a plan to import billions of tons of space dust in order to increase its size, thereby becoming a regular planet again. It will fail. So will you. In the future, you will spend lots of time and money researching and writing a book called, “The Diarrhea Diaries”. Your friends and relatives will tell you that you are just throwing your money down the toilet. You will ignore them until you realize you aren’t selling any books. Depression will set in.

Aquarius… Saturn is rising at an alarming rate and is getting lightheaded. That’s not good for an Aquarius. In the future, you will finally achieve your dream of becoming a corn stalk waxer. Have fun with that.

Pisces… Neptune is square with Pisces now but on the cusp of Aquarius. That is not a good combination for a Pisces. One day in the future, you will start a foundation and beg for money to “Save the Gnats.” Unfortunately you will fail in your attempt. You will become depressed and lonely, like Dennis Miller.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 24th, 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good day to all of you anti-prognosticator haters out there.

We hope you’ve survived another week of gloom.

If so, we are ready to heap another week of despondency upon you.

This weeks charts have been mean as ever.

They include: an aviary, underlayment and the ever-popular flax seed.

Enjoy…

Aries… Venus is in its third house anxiously waiting the moving company to arrive. It’s getting late and Venus is irritable. That’s not a good combination for an Aries. You’ll be sorry, shortly after you visit a rain forest. Why? You will become enraged when a wild airborne parrot breaks the glass jar containing your collection of cherry pits.

Taurus… Jupiter is in hyper-dissension mode now. That’ll only cause you problems. In the not too distant future, your enemies will try to make you nebulous. They will not succeed, however it will prompt you to become a hermit.

Gemini… Mercury is in orbital recession at the moment. That’s not good for a Gemini. In the future, you will spend all your time and money in order to open a urinal museum. Only a few urologists, a nephrologist and Dennis Miller will visit it. You will feel crushed and depressed.

Cancer… The Moon is in low orbital stenosis mode now. That’s a terrible sign for a Cancer. In the future, you will become come obsessed over the concept of verisimilitude. It will go on for months. Your friends, family and associates avoid you.

Leo… The Sun is in dilectric regression now. That is not a good sign for a Leo. Sometime in the future, you will be embarrassed to say the word, drainage in mixed company. This will go on for years, resulting in many therapy sessions.

Virgo… Venus is on the cusp of Virgo and in hyperpletic mode now. That is not good for a Virgo. One day soon, you will be engrossed with the idea of building spittoons entirely out of Legos. Your collection will grow, while you’re popularity diminishes.

Libra… Pluto is in its third house awaiting a flea exterminator. The guy is really late and Pluto is experiencing some anxiety. That’s never good for a Libra. In the future, you will be obsessed with the idea of either chasing tornadoes, or playing the parlor game called Twister. In either case, you will feel a lot of pain when it’s over.

Scorpio… Mars is in semi-ultronic mode now. That’s a terrible sign for a Scorpio. In the future, you will be embarrassed to say the word underlayment in public. You will seek in the aid of a psychiatrist and/or a building contractor.

Sagittarius… Neptune is in opposition to Sagittarius and on the cusp. That’s not good for a Sagittarius. One day, you will awaken only to find that you are molting like a common canary. You will seek shelter in an aviary.

Capricorn… Saturn is in di-uregical mode now and in opposition to Capricorn. That makes for a terrible combination for a Capricorn. In the future, you will capture a wacky gecko, or take a lot of Ginkgo. It could go either way, but it will be quite messy.

Aquarius… Uranus is in quadra-lingual mode now. That’s never good for an Aquarius. In the future, a roving band of flax seed will attack you unmercifully. You will escape with minor injuries. Unfortunately, you will be arrested for stalking health food store employees.

Pisces… The Earth is in a hyper-orbital plane now. That’s never good for a Pisces. One day, you will become obsessed with the concept of biding your time, or biting your tongue. In either case, you will suffer.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 17th, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello my fine unfettered friends.

Hungry for another hunk of horror?

We at HORROR – Scope Central certainly are.

This weeks charts are as unfavorable as ever.

They include a banana split, bodysnatching, and the ever-popular, squirrel genitals.

Enjoy…

Aries… Neptune is in opposition and perpendicular to Aries. That’s not a good combination. Soon your interests will lie in bodybuilding. Shortly after, the police will catch you digging up bodies.

Taurus… Saturn is in hyper-perigee now and square with Taurus. That’s not good for a Taurus. In the future, you will either have a banana split or develop a split personality. It could go either way. Afterwards, you’ll be running in two directions at once.

Gemini… Mercury is rising at an alarming rate and is in retrograde mode. That combination is always a bad sign for Gemini. In the future, you will become obsessed with the idea of getting a Human Equivalency Certificate. People will think you are weird.

Cancer… The Moon is locked in its seventh house and can’t get out. That’s not a good sign for a Cancer. In the future, you will journey to Tibet or place a bet. Either way you’ll lose a lot of money.

Leo… The Sun is in opposition to Leo now. That’s never good. In the future, you will remove your hippocampus and take it to a campus near the pampas. People will think you are weird.

Virgo… Mars is in high vitriolic mode now. That’s not good for a Virgo. In the future, you will be arrested for exposing your pineal gland in public.

Libra… Venus is in high aspect now against Libra. That’s not good for a Libra. In the future, you will become confused and take your rib eye steak to an ophthalmologist for an exam.

Scorpio… Pluto is in low orbital aspect now and in opposition to Scorpio. That’s not good for a Scorpio. Soon, a herd of flying elephants will rain on your parade. Some of them will even crap on it.

Sagittarius… The Earth is in high modal apogee now. That’s never good for a Sagittarius. In the future, you will become a fashion designer. But, you will only specialize in the word, Fashion.

Capricorn… Neptune is square and in opposition to Capricorn at this time. That combination is not good for a Capricorn. In the future, your enemies will try to infuse you with secret herbs and spices. They will not fully succeed. Afterwards, chefs from all over the world, and Dennis Miller, will stalk you.

Aquarius… Jupiter is in its seventh house suffering from a massive migraine. That’s not good for an Aquarius. In the future, the pain in your throat will stop after you stop eating pine needles.

Pisces… Venus is in high orbital opposition to Pisces now. That’s not a good configuration. In the future, each time you are asked for an ID, you will open your wallet and flash the genitals of a male squirrel. People will be appalled.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 10th, 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello there.

Are you ready for another week of wonderment?

We at HORROR – Scope Central hope so.

We’ve slaved over the charts this week, but we just couldn’t get the horror out.

We hope you’ll endure…

Aries… Pluto is in hyperplectic mode now. That will only bring you trouble. In the future, your enemies are going to to weave you into a statue of Dennis Weaver. You will be cold and lonely, like Dennis Miller.

Taurus… Uranus is in dual-distention at the moment. That surely portends trouble for you. In the future, you will be absent due to an abscess. It will be quite painful. A dentist will charge you a fortune to fix it.

Gemini… Mercury is in a lower dimodal phase now. That’s never good for a Gemini. In the future, you will drown your sorrows in alcohol then regret that you drowned them in the first place, but it will be too late to resuscitate them.

Cancer… The Moon is approaching peri-hedonal mode now. That’s never a good sign for a Cancer. In the future, you will witness an accident. Your hard drive will crash causing mass casualties.

Leo… The Sun is in dual-perplectic mode at this time. That’s always bad for a Leo. In the future, a palmist or a pianist will read your palm. If it’s a pianist, he will take note of it and say that it is quite scaly. The palmist, on the other hand, will hand you a line you will not like.

Virgo… Venus is in low orbital conflict at this time. That’s never a good sign for a Virgo. In the future, someone will read your mind and only highlight the bad parts.

Libra… The Earth is in post-positional hyperplexion mode now. That will only bring you trouble. In the future, you will be under the influence of drugs or bugs. It could go either way, but it will be uncomfortable and itchy.

Scorpio… In the future, your enemies will try to do a makeover of your brain. They will not succeed, however they will not clean up after themselves and your brain will be a mess.

Sagittarius… Mercury is in discordance at this time. That’s never a good sign for a Sagittarius. In the future, you’re enemies will put you in suspension or in another dimension. It will not be a pleasant experience. It will last for years.

Capricorn… Mars is in opposition to Capricorn now and is hypertensive. That portends trouble for you. In the future, you will succumb to your desire to wear all of your clothes backwards. We’d like to see a photo of that.

Aquarius… Saturn is on the cusp of Aquarius and in opposition to it. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will become entangled in a webcam of deceit. It will not work out well for you.

Pisces… Neptune is in tri-modal position now and in opposition to Pisces. That’s not a good sign. In the future, you will find spiders hiding in your webcam. An exterminator will not be able to remove them. It will keep you awake at night.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

 

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: July 3rd, 2016


 

horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello there all you horoscopic minded people.

We’re back again with another load of linguistic lunacy.

The charts have been as horrible as usual.

This week’s listings include a street sweeper, curtains, and the ever popular…school of hard knocks.

Enjoy…if you can.

Aries… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars at this time and in opposition to Aries. That is not a good combination. In the future, you will suddenly develop a fear of all electrolytes. You will consult a psychiatrist who will have you committed. Thorazine we will be your medication du jour.

Taurus… Venus is in hyper-perplectic mode now. That indicates trouble for you. In the future, you will encounter a street sweeper or a gatekeeper. In either case, you will experience a lot of pain.

Gemini… Pluto is in its third house treating a flea problem once again. It’s not going well. That spells trouble for you. In the future, your enemies will attempt to make you more whimsical. Unfortunately it will not work. You will become whiny instead. People will avoid you like the plague.

Cancer… The Moon is semi-modal now and Square with cancer. Those two make a deadly combination for a Cancer. In the future, you will develop a unique mental condition. Suddenly, curtains will make you uncertain. There will be no cure for it.

Leo… The Sun is in strict opposition to Leo at this time. That’s a terrible position to be in. In the future, you will win a free trip into outer space… in a spaceship traveling to the sun. Be sure to take plenty of ice, and Dennis Miller along.

Virgo… Venus is perpendicular and in opposition to Virgo. It spells trouble for you. In the future, you will suddenly find yourself addressing everyone you meet as Mr. Carstairs. People will avoid you, thinking you are crazy. Depression will set in.

Libra… Mars is hyper-dilectical at this time. That’s never good for a Libra. In the future, you will develop a pumpkin patch. You will advertise it during the Halloween season. Unfortunately for you, people will not be interested in patching their pumpkins. You will lose a lot of money on the venture.

Scorpio… Uranus is in double opposition to Scorpio. That’s not good for a Scorpio. In the future, you will suddenly take action on your idea that you should collect jars of methane to use as a fuel in an emergency. The collection process will be dreadful. People will think you are weird.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in hyperbolic mode now. That’s never good for a Sagittarius. In the future, your enemies we’ll try to disenfranchise you. They will not succeed, however it will be a messy affair. You will be sad and depressed most of the time.

Capricorn… The Earth is square and in opposition to Capricorn now. That’s an unfortunate combination for a Capricorn. In an attempt to become more ocean friendly, you will attempt to memorize the dates and times of all high and low tides throughout the world. You will end that project on a low note when you suddenly realize a hermit crab has already done it.

Aquarius… Mercury is misaligned with Mars at this time and in retrograde. That’s not a good combination for an Aquarius. In the future, you will become confused. You will buy armor and hire an army to fortify your fortnight. You will lose lots of money and become a laughing stock among your friends and relatives.

Pisces… Saturn is in opposition to Pisces and in super-hyglemic mode at the moment. That will only bring you trouble. Sometime in the future, you will become a tutor at a school of hard knocks. The stories you will hear will depress you. You will quit your job and become a hermit.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: June 26th, 2016


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello folks.

Another week has flown by under the radar.

It was thrust upon us by the mechanics of the celestial sphere.

It was brought to our attention that last week, we inadvertently missed a reading for Capricorn.

The person and/or persons involved have all been fired and are now holding handmade signs at street corners across the country begging for money or a good tip on a winning horse.

This week’s concoction includes: false eyelashes, a peculiar calendar, and the ever-popular colander.

Good luck…

Aries… Uranus is in opposition with Aries and on the cusp of Leo. That always brings trouble for an Aries. In the future, your enemies will try to take your breath away. They won’t succeed, but you’ll wheeze a lot afterwards.

Taurus… Saturn is in tri-modal position now. That’s never good for a Taurus. Sometime in the future, you will fall into a gorge or gorge yourself. Either way it will be painful. You will end up in an emergency room.

Gemini… Mercury is tri-modal at this time. That’s not a good sign for a Gemini. One day, your enemies will attempt to make out of focus. They will be unsuccessful; however afterwards you will have the compulsion to wear false eyelashes.

Cancer… The Moon is in opposition to cancer and on the bias. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will either meet the Dali Lama or Dolly Parton. In either case, your intentions will be misread. You’ll be handed over to security, where you will receive a severe tongue-lashing. It will be wet and smelly, like Dennis Miller.

Leo… The Sun is in his fifth house having some solar panels installed. It’s not going well. That’s not good for you. Someday, you will become a matchmaker or a mess maker. Either way it spells trouble for you.

Virgo… Venus is in post-peripheral position now. That’s never a good sign for a Virgo. In the distant future, you will invent a new kind of eyewash. The business will eventually fail after you’ve been sued a number of times by customers whose eyes have been injured by the spinning brushes and the caustic soap.

Libra… Mars is in di-helical mode now. That will only bring you trouble. In the future, you will see photos of your face on a calendar…from the late 1800’s. It will shock you and it will produce many unanswerable questions in your mind. You will become a hermit and ponder on it while living in a cave.

Scorpio… The Earth is in plexi-orientational mode now. That’s not a very good sign for a Scorpio. In the future, you will have the compelling urge to call the police and hysterically shout, “My underwear has been kidnapped and is being held for ransom.” You will be escorted to a mental hospital.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in poly-dicential mode now. That’s never good for a Sagittarius. In the future, you become obsessed with the idea of inventing a colander that will put a strain on peoples’ relationships. You will be ridiculed.

Capricorn… In the future, you will become a famous debunker. You will actually prove that you do not exist. People will think you are weird and avoid you.

Aquarius… Jupiter is in misalignment with Mars. That always foretells problems for an Aquarius. In the future, you will be obsessed with the idea that you will become royalty as soon you install crown molding in your residence. Everyone will think you are weird.

Pisces… Neptune is in quasi-directional mode now. That’s always bad for a Pisces. In the future, you will become muscle bound, or homeward bound. It could go either way, but it will be painful.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: June 19th, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello fellow stargazers and hog raisers.

It’s time again for another reading of the charts.

We scoured them, we scrubbed them, we soaked them, but they still turned out bad.

This week’s readings include: chickens, cowboys, and the ever-popular…sideshow.

Have fun.

Try not to scream… too loudly.

Aries… The Earth is in diagonal-oppositional mode at this time. That’s not good for an Aries. In the future, you will reach a happy medium in life, but the medium will eventually become depressed and will be horrible to live with. You will spend the rest of your days in sadness and regret.

Taurus… Venus is in opposition and square with Taurus now. That indicates trouble for you. In the future, you will awaken to find you have grown four more elbows. You will eventually lose your job. You will take side jobs at a sideshow to make ends meet. It will be very difficult for you.

Gemini… Mars is in hyper-eclectic mode now. That portends trouble for you. In the future, you will begin a new venture. You open up a new business. You will become a world re-nowned chicken groomer. People will flock to your place of business. Unfortunately, you’re successful be short-lived. You partner in life will become jealous and do nothing but henpeck you for the rest of your days.

Cancer… The Moon is in semi-lunacity mode now. That’s always bad for a Cancer. Sometime in the distant future, your enemies stir up trouble. They will try to saddle you after they horseshoe you. You won’t like it bit; especially after they take tight reign over you and force you to enter horse races. Eventually you will end up with saddle sores and sore muscles. It will be painful.

Leo… The Sun is in peri-hedrinal mode now. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will meet a cowboy who will suddenly turns into a cowman. You will try to steer clear of him, but he will always find you. Your life will be miserable after you get saddled with all the unpaid bills he has accumulated. He will milk you for all you got.

Virgo… Pluto is trying to get a publicity photo taken, but it’s not having any luck. That’s bad for you. Someday in the future, you will fall in love with a rowdy Rodeo Clown. The two of you will horse around a lot and get into a lot of trouble. The two of you will end up in jail for a time. That’s no bull!

Libra… Saturn is in retrograde against Libra now. That’s unfortunate for you. In the distant future, you will become very popular. You will have many dates…then figs…then prunes. You will spend a lot of time in the restroom with Dennis Miller.

Scorpio… Jupiter is misaligned with Mars at this time. That’s always an unfortunate sign for a Scorpio. In the somewhat distant future, you will see many open doors or saddle sores. In either case, it won’t work out well for you. Your success will hinge on your attitude. Depression will set in. You’ll become sad and lonely. You will feel locked out of life.

Sagittarius… Mercury is in a double-helixical mode now against Sagittarius. Too bad for you. In the future, you will be out jumped by a jump drive. It will be an embarrassing situation. People will lose confidence in your athletic abilities. That will take a real byte out of you. It will sadden you.

Aquarius… Neptune is in high angular motion at this time. That will only bring you trouble. In the future, you will be arrested by the grammar police for the flagrant use of alliteration. Eventually, you will be bailed out by a bailiff chewing on a bay leaf in Bayonne. You’ll be a changed person afterwards.

Pisces… Venus is in lower aspect now against Pisces. Trouble is in your future. In the not too distant future, you will tell everyone you meet a new joke you developed. It goes like this: Did you hear about the skydiver who landed on Broadway? He was thrown out of the show when he got his lines all crossed up. You won’t get very many laughs. In fact, you get thrown out of most places after telling it.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

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