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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Apr. 24th, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good day, delvers into destiny.

Another week has flown by.

This week’s  charts have been extra “kooky” in their revelations.

They show predictions involving: cargo, elbows, and the ever popular, car polish.

Enjoy…

Aries… Jupiter is in tri-quadrinal mode at this time. That’s a terrible sign for an Aries. In the future, you will spend much of your time researching and writing a book called, “How To Woo A River Rat”. Weird Al will buy a copy and make a hit song out of it. He will make millions, while you make nothing from it. You will not be happy.

Taurus… Mars is in hyper-descending mode now. That’s always bad for a Taurus. In the future, you will spend much of your time researching and writing a book called, “The Philosophy of Feces”. Dennis Miller will be your only customer. Get ready for a long period of depression, and hand washing.

Gemini… Mercury is on the cusp of Gemini but in opposition to it. That foretells problems for you. One day in the future, you will petition the government to rename Manatees, Womantees since, after all, they are Sea Cows. Unfortunately you will fail in your attempt. You will not be happy. Well, at least you tried.

Cancer… The Moon is bifurcating at this time. That’s never a good sign for a Cancer. In the somewhat distant future, you will spend much of your time researching and writing a book called, “Nullify For Fun and Profit”. Only a few lawyers, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy. You will consider yourself a failure.

Leo… The Sun is on the cusp of Leo now and in its seventh House. That’s not a good combination for a Leo. Someday, you will meet a mistress in a fortress, but not make much progress in your attempt to egress. Good luck with that.

Virgo… Venus is suffering from a gas problem at this time. That’s not a good sign for a Virgo. One day, in the far future, you will try to ship some cargo to Fargo. Unfortunately, due to heavy snow, the cargo won’t go far in Fargo. You will lose many customers because of that. Your business will fail. Happiness will be a thing of the past.

Libra… The Earth is in it’s eighth house unwrapping gifts it received for Earth Day. Many of them are duplicates. It’s not happy about that. That’s not good for you. Someday, you will plague all your friends and relatives with the question, “Kenya wear a robe in Nairobi?” They will think you are a fool (or worse). They will shun you. Happiness will be a thing of the past.

Scorpio… Mars is on the cusp of Scorpio and in opposition to it. That’s not a good sign for a Scorpio. In the distant future, you will wake up one morning believing stagnation is a country full of male deer. You will try to convince everyone you are correct. It won’t be long before you’re lonely and depressed.

Sagittarius… Saturn is rising but it stocks are falling. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will spend much of your time researching and writing a book called, “How to Make Money in the Elbow Licking Business”. You will only sell a few copies to some eager perverts. You will become a laughing stock. Depression and angst will be your only friends.

Capricorn… Mercury is overheating at the moment. That’s never a good sign for Capricorn. One day in the future, you will fly like an eagle… until you crash land like a booby. More then your ego will be injured. We wish you well.

Aquarius… Uranus is in hyper-extensive mode now. That will bring you misfortune. In the not too distant future, you will be robbed by a flock of rouge robins. You will escape with minor injuries and a hatred of birds.

Pisces… Neptune is in dichotomous mode now. That’s never a good sign for a Pisces. In the distant future, you will convince yourself that you should drink a bottle of car polish after people start telling you that you’re a dull wit. Soon afterword, you will take a trip to the emergency room for a stomach pumping procedure. Ouch!

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh…  All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May 10th, 2015


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome back dear friends of the universe.

I hope you had a successful week.

Or, was it a little weak?

In any case your new fortunes await you.

This week’s list of predictions includes rotten eggs, burping, and Podiatrists. Wow!

I hope you can cope with the scope of things.

Enjoy.

Aries… The Moon is in Aries now but doesn’t like the smell. That’s always a bad sign. In the future, you will meet someone from a bawdy, boat crew or eat moldy croutons. It could go wither way but it won’t be much fun, and it will be noisy.

Taurus… The Sun is tranquil at this time. It hates being tranquil. That’s not good for you. In the not too distant future, you will be arrested by the EPA for dumping dry ice in wetlands.

Gemini… Mars is approaching the cusp of Gemini now. It isn’t happy about it. That spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will roost on a roof with a rooster and a Rastafarian. It won’t be pleasant.

Cancer… Venus is in juxtaposition with Cancer now. It hates that position. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will make chickens angry by changing their pecking order. They will attack you with vengeance, and rotten eggs. Sorry about that.

Leo… The Earth is moving off the cusp of Leo now and it doesn’t like it. That spells problems for you. In the future, you will spend years writing and publishing a book called, “How To Lean For Fun And Profit”. You’ll only sell a few copies to some politicians. Those will be lean years for you.

Virgo… Jupiter is aligned with Venus now and that’s always a bad sign. In the future, you will try to “get the word out” but you won’t be successful since the word will be, agoraphobic. Think about it.

Libra… Uranus is in its fifth house washing windows. It hates washing windows. That’s bad for you. In the future, you will spend years writing and publishing a book called, “Mommy Edamame”. You will only sell a few copies to some Japanese folks who will sauté it and feed it to their livestock.

Scorpio… Pluto is in jail now after being arrested for peeing on Saturn’s rings. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will spend years trying to train walnuts to fly. Of course, it will never work. People will call you ”Nuts!” You will then become shell shocked.

Sagittarius… Saturn is nearing the cusp of Sagittarius now, but it wants to be trine instead. That’s never good for you. In the future, you will spend years trying to train clams to do the, “Can Can”. You will ultimately discover that they can’t, can’t. Then you’ll suffer from depression.

Capricorn… Uranus is suffering from some sinus problems at the moment. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Hone a Hovercraft”. Even Amazon will refuse to publish it. You will spend the rest of our life trying to convince the world, and Dennis Miller that honing is good.

Aquarius… Mercury is in a funk at this time. We don’t know why, but it isn’t good for you. In the future, you will anger many Podiatrists by trying to play footsie with them. They will band together, and they will call you a “heel”. Sorry.

Pisces… The Earth is trine with Pisces now, but it prefers being square with it. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will spend years writing, publishing, and marketing a book called, “The Diner’s Guide To Burping”. Dennis Miller will be the only one to buy a copy.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: March 22nd, 2015


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello planet watchers.

It’s time for your weekly prognostication posting.

As usual, it foretells quirky problems.

The problem makers range from lemons to cherries.

We hope you can cope.

We want to see you back next week.

Enjoy…

Aries… Pluto is adjacent to, and square with Aries at this time. That’s not good for you. In the near future, you will become addicted to lemon zest. Because of that, you will only sing, hum, or whistle sour notes. Let us know how that works out for you.

Taurus… Uranus is in its first house trying to fix an electrical problem. The result will be shocking. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will either study the work of Zasu Pitts, or swallow some sour, cherry pits. Either way, it will cause you to gag a lot.

Gemini… The Sun is in transit now and nearing the cusp of Gemini. That indicates trouble for you. In the future, you will fail in your attempt to tame a vicious circle.

Cancer… The Moon is trine with Cancer at this time but wants to be square with it. That isn’t good. Someday, you will have the uncontrollable desire to revitalize and redevelop the concept of smell-a-vision. It won’t be a pleasant experience.

Leo… Saturn is accumulating solar ice now. That always makes it cold and wobbly. That’s bad for you. In the future, you will have the desire to become a Chiropractor for spiny lobsters. You will spend many hours holding your breath under water training for it, resulting in pruney, water logged hands.

Virgo… The Earth is making an unscheduled visit to its first house due to a faulty security alarm and that’s always bad. Someday you will eat a rotten onion, or suck on a bum’s bunion. Either way it will be disgusting. Let us know how that works out.

Libra… Mars is approaching the cusp of Libra now and doesn’t like it. That foretells problems for you. In the distant future, you will spend all your time on money researching and writing a book called, “Trivet Trivia”. Sales will be abysmal.

Scorpio… Mercury is in its fifth house trying to diffuse a serious issue with its neighbor. It isn’t working out. That’s not good for you. In the not too distant future, you will spend all your time on money researching and writing a book called, “How To Gargle For Fun And Profit”. You will only sell a few copies to a band of roving dentists, and Dennis Miller.

Sagittarius… Venus is in its eighth house for a termite inspection. It’s not going well. That means trouble for you. One day, you will make the decision to spend all your time, and lose all your money researching and writing a book called, “How To Be Arcane For Fun And Profit”. Except for Dennis Miller, no one will buy it.

Capricorn… The Moon is square with Capricorn now and almost on the cusp. That’s always a bad indicator. In the distant future you will decide to skip work frequently to spend more “quality time” with your colon, which you’ve neglected for so many years. That will result in a loss of income, and many personal problems for you.

Aquarius… Jupiter is depressed because Venus refused to go on a date with it. That means trouble for you. In the distant future, you will find yourself madly cutting up apples, in search of your core beliefs.

Pisces… Neptune is about to fight a traffic ticket in court at this time. That spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, a skeleton key, or a skeleton crew will frighten you. Either way you will end up wetting your pants over it.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

 

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: January 11th, 2015


astrology

Hello again, fellow campers.

It’s time for your favorite source of prognostications.

This week’s listing includes everything from badgers to bruising, and water to Weird Al.

There’s not much else to say, my friends.

Enjoy…

Aries Venus is rising again, and for some reason it’s painful. That’s bad. In the distant future, you will be arrested for subway surfing without a permit. You will spend a week in jail with Dennis Miller. He will have been arrested for eating a dictionary in public without a permit. You’ll ask to be placed in solitary confinement.

TaurusSaturn is in its fifth house cleaning up after a wild, New year’s Eve party with the moons of Jupiter. Not long from now, you will fail in your attempt to start a “Badger Helper” business for disabled people.

GeminiMars is in court this week on jury duty. That portends bad luck for you. In the future, you will try to pay a plumber in plums, but he won’t accept it as payment. As a result he will re-pipe your dwelling, trapping you in your bathroom.

CancerThe Moon is on the cusp of Capricorn now. That isn’t good. Sometime in the future, you will profit from a prophet. However your wealth will be short lived when you succumb to your urge to bet on the latest gambling craze, Spleen Racing.

Leo… The Sun is in its seventh house planning a new solar flare. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will spend  your life, and lose all your money trying to train your gerbil to speak Armenian. It won’t go well.

Virgo… Uranus is trine with Virgo at this moment. That’s unfortunate for you. Sometime in the near future, you will try to stylize a stye in your eye, but it will make you look grotesque. People will reject you, causing you to go into a deep depression.

Libra… Neptune is square with Libra now. That isn’t very good for you. Not too long from now, you will spend all your money purchasing a local bar, for sale at a bargain price. But you’ll be barred from opening it. Too bad for you.

Scorpio… The Earth is on the cusp of Scorpio at this time. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will spend years writing a self-help book called, “How To Patina Yourself For Fun & Profit.” Unfortunately, you will only sell two copies. One will be will be bought by a lonely aardvark. Weird Al will buy the other and make a fortune with it.

Sagittarius… Pluto is sick with the Solar Flu now. That’s bad for you. Not long from now, you will awaken to find yourself standing on a street corner in tattered clothing, holding a sign, which says, “Will cough up phlegm for tattoos”. That won’t go well at all.

Capricorn… Mars is trine with Capricorn at this time. That isn’t good for you. In the distant future, you will spend years writing a non-fiction book called, “How to Poke Pork For Fun And Profit”. You will not sell a single copy. You will become penniless as a result.

Aquarius… Jupiter is aligned with Mars now. That foretells problems for you. Not long from now, you will get things done in a pinch, but everyone will complain of bruising. You will be arrested for assault and spend a lot of time behind bars playing Negro Spirituals on a harmonica.

Pisces… Mercury is descending now. That’s not good. In the near future, your friends and family will think it quite fishy when you tell them you have the desire to hitch hike to Honolulu under water.

And… remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: December 7th, 2014


astrology

Hello again, my fellow celestial gazers.

Your weekly HORROR-Scope is ready.

It brings you a “heads up” on what’s in store for you in the future.

It ranges from coroners to coal tunnels.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Earth is trine with Aries now. This is not good. In the distant future, you will experience turbulence while wearing a turban in Turkey. It will give you a bad case of vertigo.

Taurus… Venus is on the cusp of Taurus now. This spells trouble. In the distant future, you will become a resident of a previous president. Unfortunately you will merely be a lowly servant working in the kitchen peeling potatoes and eating table scraps.

Gemini …The Moon is in opposition to Gemini at this time. Be on the alert. Your enemies are planning to hide your favorite remote in a remote area. You may never find it. But, while searching the north woods, you will have an encounter with Bigfoot, which won’t end well.

Cancer … Pluto is in its second house meeting with an exterminator again over a flea problem. This means trouble for you. In the near future, you will have the uncontrollable urge to call the County Coroner whenever you reach a dead end road. You will later be arrested for harassing phone calls.

Leo… The Sun is trine with Leo now. Not good! Soon you will ask yourself the question, “When night falls, and there’s no one there to see it, will it make a noise?” You will never find the answer and fall into a deep depression.

Virgo… Venus is descending now. This isn’t too good. In the not too distant future, you will meet a burley, backwoods character in your front yard. It could be Dennis Miller in disguise. He will swindle you out of your chainsaw.

Libra… Neptune is in opposition to Libra at this time. This portends something bad. Not too long from now, you will travel to Poland in search of a stolen totem pole. You will not find it, but you will fall in love with a Polish, coal miner who will take you to the depths of depression in a coal tunnel.

Scorpio…Saturn is rising now. This is not good for you. In the distant future, you will approach an altar in an altered state. It will not end well when you marry the frog you licked.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is in opposition to Sagittarius now. This isn’t good. In the future, you will be known (and dreaded) for your constant question in every situation, “What’s all the hubbub about?” Eventually, everyone’ll shun you and, you will go into hiding.

Capricorn… Mars is in its fifth house now, cleaning the windows. Not good. You will lead a very colorful life after you eat a box of 48 Crayola crayons. You will then have the urge to be boxed in a Crayola carton.

Aquarius… Mercury is in its third house now interviewing some potential renters. Be cautious now. Your enemies are planning to fold you like an origami figure.

Pisces… The Moon is trine with Pisces now. Be extra careful. Your enemies are planning to cram you into some crannies.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your Fortune Cookie For Today Nov. 11th, 2014


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Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” contained in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a contest I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

You may want to read the backstory first.

Then again, you may not. It’s entirely up to you.

But, I think you really should read it in order to get the full impact it’s had on my life, and/or, death.

Here’s today’s fortune cookie reveal.

I hope you find this enlightening:

“The sound of a train whistle will make you yearn for hobos.”

 

© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Your Fortune Cookie For Today


cookie

Thanks for stopping by Humorous Interludes.

From time to time I will share the “fortune” contained in a fortune cookie I just opened.

I received a large box of them after winning a contest I described in this blog on November 4, 2014.

You may want to read the backstory first.

Then again, you may not. It’s entirely up to you.

But, I think you really should read it in order to get the full impact it’s had on my life, and/or, death.

Here’s today’s fortune cookie reveal.

I hope you find this enlightening:

“You may stumble in life, but it will never fail to get you a laugh.”

Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Aug. 10th, 2014


astrology

 

Welcome friends of the future.

We bring you another week of celestial prognostications.

We hope they satisfy your needs in every way.

However, as usual, they probably won’t.

So, hold on to your hats and be forewarned of the future.

Enjoy…

 

Aries…  Uranus is on the cusp of Aries at this time causing trouble for you. Be on the alert. Your enemies are plotting to steal a Cabbage Patch doll you will acquire, and turn it in to coleslaw.

Taurus… The Moon is trine with Taurus at the moment and wishes it were in opposition for some reason. Hmmm…Soon you will have the uncontrollable urge to linger.  In fact, you will love lingering . Let us know how that goes for you.

Gemini…  Saturn is rising now and getting ready for some action. You will soon have the urge to love and worship all uneven surfaces. I know that sounds weird, but that’s what the charts say. Go figure.

Cancer…  Pluto is in perigee at this time and is confused. Be on the alert. In the near future, your enemies will try to dwindle you. We haven’t come up with a defense for that, so be careful.

Leo…  Mars is in its fifth house having it repainted after a wild party. Get ready for a new friend. One day you will meet a Barrister named Barry on the Great Barrier Reef. He will borrow money from you and won’t return it because he’s a shyster.

Virgo…  Mercury is square with Virgo and will soon be on the cusp. You’ll waste a lot of time over this. It won’t be long before you have the tendency to dawdle while you yodel.

Libra…  Venus is in its ninth house wondering why it has nine houses to contend with. Get your creative juices flowing. In the future, you will write a bestselling ebook called, “How To Banter For Fun And Profit”.

Scorpio… The Sun is on the cusp of Scorpio now.  Bottoms up! Soon, in the future, you will spend your last dime on liquor. Luckily you will have many paper dollars left, unfortunately it will be Monopoly money.

Sagittarius… Neptune is in its fifth house counting calories. Could this be a fly by night scheme? Sometime in the near future, a large bird will break into a bank and sit on your nest egg.

Capricorn…  Venus is on the cusp of Capricorn now. This could get sticky. Sometime soon, you will have the uncontrollable urge to send a tube of Crazy Glue to a psychiatrist for therapy.

Aquarius… Uranus is in its third house having the cabinets replaced and is having trouble with the contractor. Get ready to scratch. In the future, you will suddenly awaken and find that you are the star attraction in a flea circus.

Pisces…  The Earth is trine with Pisces now and that is fine. Good news and bad news. In the future you will be very good, then very bad, then you will be force to be very, very good, then you jail sentence (with cell mate Dennis Miller) will be over. Good luck with that.

And, remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

Cautious Cultural Contact


colleagues pic

Trailblazing Colleague Makes Historic Contact With People Who Work On Other Floor

PITTSBURGH—

In an unprecedented encounter with a culture heretofore shrouded in mystery, Northco Logistics customer service specialist Ryan Barlow reportedly established historic contact Wednesday with the people who work on his office complex’s fourth floor.

“I met this guy Kevin who said they’d been having the same problems with the air conditioner we’ve been having,” said the 28-year-old explorer in reference to the peaceful words of greeting he exchanged in the elevator with an inhabitant of QuestTech Learning Solutions, a meeting that to this point had been considered far too perilous to be undertaken.

“He also said they had some leftover food and cake from his coworker’s birthday and that we could stop by if we wanted. He seemed very friendly.”
Though admitting that no one had yet dared journey so far, the intrepid adventurer then regaled his colleagues with the legend of the remote and uncharted seventh floor, where there was rumored to exist a vast open layout and, according to lore, a ping-pong table

Found @ http://www.theonion.com/articles/trailblazing-colleague-makes-historic-contact-with,36311/

Hmmm…

He met someone from another floor,
Something not seen before,
It wasn’t much of a chore,
He did establish rapport.

He is a history maker,
This company risk taker,
It wasn’t a deal breaker,
But maybe a hand shaker.

The man offered Ryan some cake,
Perhaps while he’s on his break,
An offer he might just take,
There wouldn’t be too much at stake.

Will Ryan do it again?
Risking some personal pain,
For some sociological gain.
Will his friends think him insane?

There are legends of things in that place,
Like floors with vast open space,
Maybe work done at a slower pace,
It’d be nice if that was the case.

It was a major breakthrough,
Something some others may do,
On higher floors with a good view,
Perhaps they’ll meet someone like you.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

Sweat Seeker Sounds Silly


Sweaty

Warm Weather Finally Allows Man To Get Outside, Explore New Ways To Sweat

CHICAGO—

With the long winter over and summer weather finally arriving, local man Bill Klocek told reporters Thursday that he was glad to finally get out of the house, walk around a bit, and discover entirely new ways to sweat.

“This time of year, there are so many street fairs, farmers markets, and music festivals that offer great opportunities to just drench myself in my own sweat,” said Klocek, who added that he especially looks forward to perspiring heavily at restaurants with outdoor seating, on road trips, at baseball games, and at his parents’ cabin in Lake Geneva, WI.

“There’s really no excuse for avoiding it. Practically all you have to do is step out your front door and you can sweat completely through your shirt. My friend is having a party on his roof deck tonight, so I’m thinking about heading over and feeling sweat drip down my face and back at his place a little later.”
In addition to getting sweaty, Klocek stated that he also plans to set aside a little time this summer to explore entirely new ways to get sunburnt and thirsty.

Found @: http://www.theonion.com/articles/warm-weather-finally-allows-man-to-get-outside-exp,36265/And

Hmmm…

A man wants to make himself sweat,
Imagine the looks he will get,
When he walks in the streets drenching wet.
It’s something I wouldn’t forget.

He’s looking for places to go,
Where his sweaty body will show,
When is sweat glands begin to flow,
Making his foul odor grow.

He want his sweat on his face,
Though it may be a disgrace,
He’ll show up at any hot place,
To sweat he’ll pick up the pace.

There’s something else that he yearns,
He also wants a sun burn,
He’ll follow the sun and he’ll turn,
For redness that he’ll surely earn.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved

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