Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: May 10th, 2015
Welcome back dear friends of the universe.
I hope you had a successful week.
Or, was it a little weak?
In any case your new fortunes await you.
This week’s list of predictions includes rotten eggs, burping, and Podiatrists. Wow!
I hope you can cope with the scope of things.
Aries… The Moon is in Aries now but doesn’t like the smell. That’s always a bad sign. In the future, you will meet someone from a bawdy, boat crew or eat moldy croutons. It could go wither way but it won’t be much fun, and it will be noisy.
Taurus… The Sun is tranquil at this time. It hates being tranquil. That’s not good for you. In the not too distant future, you will be arrested by the EPA for dumping dry ice in wetlands.
Gemini… Mars is approaching the cusp of Gemini now. It isn’t happy about it. That spells trouble for you. In the not too distant future, you will roost on a roof with a rooster and a Rastafarian. It won’t be pleasant.
Cancer… Venus is in juxtaposition with Cancer now. It hates that position. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will make chickens angry by changing their pecking order. They will attack you with vengeance, and rotten eggs. Sorry about that.
Leo… The Earth is moving off the cusp of Leo now and it doesn’t like it. That spells problems for you. In the future, you will spend years writing and publishing a book called, “How To Lean For Fun And Profit”. You’ll only sell a few copies to some politicians. Those will be lean years for you.
Virgo… Jupiter is aligned with Venus now and that’s always a bad sign. In the future, you will try to “get the word out” but you won’t be successful since the word will be, agoraphobic. Think about it.
Libra… Uranus is in its fifth house washing windows. It hates washing windows. That’s bad for you. In the future, you will spend years writing and publishing a book called, “Mommy Edamame”. You will only sell a few copies to some Japanese folks who will sauté it and feed it to their livestock.
Scorpio… Pluto is in jail now after being arrested for peeing on Saturn’s rings. That foretells problems for you. In the future, you will spend years trying to train walnuts to fly. Of course, it will never work. People will call you ”Nuts!” You will then become shell shocked.
Sagittarius… Saturn is nearing the cusp of Sagittarius now, but it wants to be trine instead. That’s never good for you. In the future, you will spend years trying to train clams to do the, “Can Can”. You will ultimately discover that they can’t, can’t. Then you’ll suffer from depression.
Capricorn… Uranus is suffering from some sinus problems at the moment. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will spend years writing a book called, “How To Hone a Hovercraft”. Even Amazon will refuse to publish it. You will spend the rest of our life trying to convince the world, and Dennis Miller that honing is good.
Aquarius… Mercury is in a funk at this time. We don’t know why, but it isn’t good for you. In the future, you will anger many Podiatrists by trying to play footsie with them. They will band together, and they will call you a “heel”. Sorry.
Pisces… The Earth is trine with Pisces now, but it prefers being square with it. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will spend years writing, publishing, and marketing a book called, “The Diner’s Guide To Burping”. Dennis Miller will be the only one to buy a copy.
And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved
Sweat Seeker Sounds Silly
Warm Weather Finally Allows Man To Get Outside, Explore New Ways To Sweat
With the long winter over and summer weather finally arriving, local man Bill Klocek told reporters Thursday that he was glad to finally get out of the house, walk around a bit, and discover entirely new ways to sweat.
“This time of year, there are so many street fairs, farmers markets, and music festivals that offer great opportunities to just drench myself in my own sweat,” said Klocek, who added that he especially looks forward to perspiring heavily at restaurants with outdoor seating, on road trips, at baseball games, and at his parents’ cabin in Lake Geneva, WI.
“There’s really no excuse for avoiding it. Practically all you have to do is step out your front door and you can sweat completely through your shirt. My friend is having a party on his roof deck tonight, so I’m thinking about heading over and feeling sweat drip down my face and back at his place a little later.”
In addition to getting sweaty, Klocek stated that he also plans to set aside a little time this summer to explore entirely new ways to get sunburnt and thirsty.
Found @: http://www.theonion.com/articles/warm-weather-finally-allows-man-to-get-outside-exp,36265/And
A man wants to make himself sweat,
Imagine the looks he will get,
When he walks in the streets drenching wet.
It’s something I wouldn’t forget.
He’s looking for places to go,
Where his sweaty body will show,
When is sweat glands begin to flow,
Making his foul odor grow.
He want his sweat on his face,
Though it may be a disgrace,
He’ll show up at any hot place,
To sweat he’ll pick up the pace.
There’s something else that he yearns,
He also wants a sun burn,
He’ll follow the sun and he’ll turn,
For redness that he’ll surely earn.
© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved
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