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Darling Doggy Drenched


Dog rescued from icy waters in Massachusetts

Two Massachusetts firefighters have made the holiday week brighter by their heroism in the face of the icy Charles River

When a Massachusetts fire department took a 911 call from a frantic dog owner, officers went into action to rescue Crosby.

The five year old Golden Retriever, had run out onto the ice and suddenly found herself deep in the freezing water about 50 yards off shore.

Two firefighters suited up in cold water survival gear and inched their way out onto the ice until they broke through to reach Crosby.

Firefighter Paul Papazian was able to rescue Crosby and guide her back to shore.

Once on shore Crosby was checked out and swiftly walked to a waiting, warm squad car and a dry towel.

She was a little cold and shaken, but seemed to survive the ordeal as best as could be expected.

Shortly thereafter, Crosby was re-united with her owners.

Courtesy: Wellesley Police Department

Found@:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/10537023/Dog-rescued-from-icy-waters-in-Massachusetts.html

You can watch a video of the rescue with the above link.

Hmmm…

Someone called 911.
Their dog was not having fun;
She fell into cold water,
Wishing it were much hotter,
Could something heroic be done?

They sent in a great rescue team,
While the owner probably screamed;
They went into the river,
While Crosby did shiver,
To onlookers it looked like a dream.

Onto the shore they arrived,
Crosby was still quite alive;
Wrapped up real tight,
Shivering from fright,
They’re happy that she did survive.

A lesson is here for us all,
Keep dogs leashed so they cannot fall,
Thru cold winter ice,
That wouldn’t be nice,
It’s something that would make us bawl.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Category:

dogs, News, Uncategorized

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Education Earns Exactly $11.00


30-Year-Old Has Earned $11 More Than He Would Have Without College Education

DUBLIN, OH—

After accounting for the cost of tuition, four years of lost earning potential, and the minimal increase in salary an undergraduate degree provides, 30-year-old local man Patrick Moorhouse has, at this point in his life, earned $11 more than he would have had he not attended college at all, an independent study confirmed today.

“All told, Patrick’s B.A. in Political Science translates to about $5,000 more in annual wages, but when you account for his student loan payments, including his 6 percent interest rate, his degree from a respected four-year university amounts to slightly more than 10 extra bucks in his wallet,” said researcher Ken Overton, adding that had Moorhouse been accepted to his more prestigious first-choice college, his earnings would have totaled $54 more than if he had never enrolled in higher education.

“If Patrick had started working straight out of high school, he would have had slightly fewer job options than he does now, but living at home instead of a dorm or student apartment even just those first two years would have added at least $16,000 in total savings, which pretty much evens things out.
All in all, the countless hours Patrick spent stressing about getting into school and then working hard to succeed in college have been more or less a financial wash.”
The study noted, however, that one cannot ever truly put a price on the 12 Post-WWII European History lectures Moorhouse attended junior year.

Found@:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/30yearold-has-earned-11-more-than-he-would-have-wi,34824/

Hmmm…

There was a young man from Dublin,
Whose college tuition kept doublin’;
He stayed on at school,
Perhaps a real fool,
The thought of it all now is troublin’.

Is college still worth the high price?
Or is it a throw of the dice?
The cost is so great,
And you study sooo late,
You live on noodles and rice.

Is it better to just work instead?
Sans exams that you really dread?
Live a life without pressure,
In places much fresher,
Is no college ed. something you dread?

Should you spend your youth money earning?
Instead of the midnight light burning,
No dull classes to take,
For education’s sake,
It’s a thought which keeps on returning.

It’s a choice that you have to make,
Think about it while you’re on your break,
Should you spend all that cash?
From a bank’s private stash?
The rest of your life is at stake.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Category:

College, Humor, poetry

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Poor Perplexed Parents


Thousands Of Americans To Notice First Signs Of Dementia While Visiting Parents Over Holiday

WASHINGTON—

Noting that the experience is sure to be extremely upsetting, a new report has found that thousands of Americans will likely notice the first signs of their parents’ dementia while visiting over the holidays.

“Shortly after arriving home from the airport, an estimated tens of thousands of adults will invariably witness one or both parents forget something that just happened, misremember details of their lives that have been discussed hundreds of times before, or momentarily lose track of what they were doing right in the middle of an action,” lead author Dr. Tim Belarde wrote in the report.

He added that 80 percent will see their parents write down incorrect information on a calendar, 65 percent will hear their mothers refer to a completely nonexistent event from childhood, and half will observe their father mixing up siblings’ names.

“For the remainder of their vacations, these Americans will spend hours carefully observing their parents for further signs of mental decline and then convince themselves that any brain lapses were anomalies due to the stress of the holidays, ultimately leaving with dozens of unsettling memories they will repress in an effort to deny the inevitable.

” At press time, sources reported that an estimated 40,000 mothers had just asked their children to resend their flight itineraries for the fourth time.

Found@:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/thousands-of-americans-to-notice-first-signs-of-de,34828/

Hmmm…

Seeing your parents forget,
Their keys, their car, or their pet;
They don’t know some detail,
Or a fact from an old tale,
Is something that makes most kids fret.

They mix up their childrens’ names,
Forget rules of common games;
They have a brain lapse,
Or several perhaps,
It really is quite a shame.

They suffer from mental decline,
But not of their own design;
It comes on with age,
A frequent blank page,
It certainly isn’t divine.

There’s nothing much that we can do,
We can’t mix a magical brew;
It’s all part of life,
It can bring on strife,
We just have to see what ensues.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Category:

News, poetry

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Surrounded by Sorry Santas


‘Real’ Santa is divorced, eats beef and drives a Toyota.

Britain…

“As children prepare to leave out sherry for Santa and his elves, a survey has found Britain’s Father Christmasses prefer a pint of bitter and Kelly Brook

Traditionally Santa eats mince pies, drinks sherry, drives a sleigh, and is happily married to Mrs. Claus.

But ‘real-life’ Santas who take on the role in department stores and shops across the country eat roast beef, drink bitter, drive a Toyota and are likely to be divorced.

This army of Santas will probably also hate elves.

A survey of 50 ‘real-life’ Santas, who are donning suits and hats to become Father Christmas at department stores and agencies across the UK this year, revealed many don’t fit the traditional image of St Nick many children hold dear.

The report found most Santas are actually 6ft 1in, weigh 15 stone and instead of a sleigh, drive a Toyota Avensis.

Around 55 per cent are divorced and most say their ideal woman isn’t exactly Mrs. Claus – but a cross between Kelly Brook and Carol Vorderman, with an element of Goldie Hawn thrown in.

The survey, by men’s clothing chain High and Mighty, found that while Santas don’t meet the traditional ‘fat and jolly’ image, they are also nothing like the skinny Father Christmas at Winter Wonderland (fair) in Milton Keynes, which has been fiercely criticized by parents.

The fair closed this week after complaints about Santa, an ice rink with no ice and elves smoking cigarettes.

A spokesman for High and Mighty said: “As children worldwide prepare carrots for the reindeer and mince pies for St Nick we wanted to lift the lid on what Santa really wants.

“It turns out that Father Christmas is around 6ft 1ins, weighs 15 stone (appx. 210 pounds), drives a Toyota and wouldn’t mind a bit of Kelly Brook.”

The survey also revealed the tipple of choice for most Santas is likely to be a pint of bitter and rather than Jingle Bells most listen to a combination of The Clash and Frank Sinatra.

Around 70 per cent admit to hating elves despite their seasonal jobs, but most of them love their smartphones and would put an electric guitar on their Christmas list.”

Found@:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/topics/christmas/10522974/Real-Santa-is-divorced-eats-beef-and-drives-a-Toyota.html

Hmmm…

New Santas don’t match old tradition,
They are on a different mission;
Some don’t like those elves,
Who put toys on the shelves,
They drink beer of their own volition.

They don’t drive an old fashioned sleigh,
They drive cars which do not need hay;
They are divorced,
For “Cause” of course,
They’re different in every way.

Most like the girl Kelly Brook,
On her they really are hooked;
They look at her pics,
Not like old St. Nick,
Who not might agree with her look.

Old Santa is a thing of the past,
Modern Santa’s might cause some to gasp;
They’re sure not the same,
Though they share the name,
I guess older traditions don’t last.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Category:

News, poetry, Uncategorized

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Disgusting Dissection Dissed


Seventh-Grade Biology Class Grossed Out At Having To Dissect Horse

MONTCLAIR, NJ—

Students at Glenville Middle School expressed disgust Thursday at having to dissect full-size horse cadavers, a much-dreaded annual assignment given to all seventh-grade biology classes in the local school district.

“You always hear that [biology teacher] Mr. Becora’s going to make you dissect a 14-hand thoroughbred, but until you actually see one all pinned down on your lab table, you don’t realize how gross it’s going to be,” said Lauren Denison, 13, who has protested the policy stating that any student who refuses to participate is automatically given a C.

“They give you this horse in a tank of formaldehyde, and it’s super disgusting—you and your lab partner have to slice off the hooves one by one, and that’s before you even crack open the rib cage and remove the aorta. Yuck!”

As of press time, resident class clown Ian Levine was reportedly trying to lasso Denison using his horse’s small intestine.

Found@
http://www.theonion.com/articles/seventhgrade-biology-class-grossed-out-at-having-t,34413/

Hmmm…

Some kids had to dissect a horse,
They declined but they were forced;
Soaked in formaldehyde,
After the horse had died,
They were grossed out of course.

The kids are of middle school age,
Dissection just isn’t the rage;
They cut up the thing,
Disgust it did bring,
The teacher is not very sage.

A few didn’t participate,
In something that they really hate,
They all got a “C”,
Automatically,
A grade that isn’t so great.

They cut off the hooves one by one,
They weren’t happy when they were done,
They sliced up the heart,
And other gross parts,
It really wasn’t much fun.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Category:

News, Poerty, Weird News

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Horoscopes Horrible or Harmless?


horoscope chartHarmless fun? Horoscopes may be bad for you, study suggests.

Horoscopes may be bad for you as negative readings promote self-indulgent behavior as people attempt to escape their fate, scientists find.

Astrology may seem like harmless fun – but a new study suggests following your star sign could be bad for you.

Consumers who read their horoscope daily were found to be more likely to exhibit impulsive or indulgent behavior when their zodiac was negative, the research suggested.

This is because reading a poor outcome in your star sign makes you more susceptible to temptation, it is believed.

The study, published in the Journal of Consumer Research, showed that those who believed their fate could change were more prone to erratic decision-making following bad news in their zodiac.

It has long been thought that reading your star sign can improve mood and encourage people to undertake selfless activities.

However, scientists at the University of South Carolina and Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland, found the opposite effect.

A number of participants were presented with unfavorable star sign readings and asked to choose between either going to a party or cleaning their home.

Participants who selected going to a party were seen as having made an indulgent decision and those who chose to clean their home were categorized as having made a virtuous one.

The study found that those who had read a negative horoscope before making their choice were more likely to choose going to the party over the more virtuous activity.

Researchers had expected participants to chose a more virtuous action to prevent the unfavorable outcome presented in their horoscope.

“Conventional wisdom might suggest that for people who believe they can change their fate, an unfavorable horoscope should result in an attempt to improve their fate,” the authors of study, Hyeongmin Kim of Johns Hopkins University, and Katina Kulow and Thomas Kramer of the University of South Carolina, said.

“Our results showed that reading an unfavorable horoscope actually has the opposite effect on a person.”

The researchers found that those who believe they have a fixed fate showed little change in their decision making and instead remained focused on their day ahead.

Earlier this month, Arch Crawford, a former Merrill Lynch trader who earned the nickname “crash Crawford” after predicting the “flash crash” of 1962, revealed that he has used astrology to guide his trades.

A study released in November this year, suggested 37 per cent of the public read their horoscopes before making big decisions. Women were also found to be twice as likely to visit a psychic than men.

The psychic industry in the United Kingdom is worth an estimated £100 million a year.

Found @
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/10509731/Harmless-fun-Horoscopes-may-be-bad-for-you-study-suggests.html

Hmmm…

Can horoscopes make you behave?
Make you eat things you really crave?
Some people think so,
I really don’t know,
Perhaps they can make you feel brave.

Some people think it could be bad,
Reading scopes which make you feel sad;
When bad news they bring,
Do you do bad things?
Or do you always feel glad?

Can horoscopes really predict?
Or are they just nondescript?
Can they change your fate?
Help you pick a mate?
Or bring about lots of conflicts?

I guess it’s for you to decide,
Just keep your eyes open wide,
Read them if you want,
In large or small font,
My “Horror-scopes” have never lied.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Category:

horoscopes, Humor, News, Observations

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Parents PlayStation Placation


Parents Finally Cave And Buy 33-Year-Old Son A PlayStation…

KENOSHA, WI—

Having refused to purchase the video game console since its introduction in 1994, local parents John and Melissa Gionda confirmed Thursday that they had finally caved in and bought a Sony PlayStation 1 for their 33-year-old son, Daniel.

“It has some violent games I still don’t approve of, but I know it’s something Daniel really wanted, so we finally figured, ‘Why not?’” Melissa Gionda said shortly after purchasing a bundle package containing the PlayStation console, a 1-megabyte memory card, and copies of Crash Bandicoot, Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2, and Spyro The Dragon for the 2002 college graduate and digital marketing analyst.

“We’ve always felt that video games would have been a huge distraction from his schoolwork and first four jobs after college, but Daniel has been patient and waited long enough to get a PlayStation. As long as he doesn’t sit around all day in front of the TV, it’ll be fine.

And we got him an extra controller, too, so he can play it with his friends or his son Mark.” Despite buying the video game system, the Giondas confirmed that they still refuse to buy the 33-year-old a copy of the 1992 Megadeth album Countdown To Extinction.

Found@ http://www.theonion.com/articles/parents-finally-cave-and-buy-33yearold-son-playsta,34640/

Hmmm…

Parents got their son a Play Station,
A decision which brought agitation;
They weren’t quite sure,
That they could endure,
The questionable gaming creation.

They didn’t like the station’s games,
That kill, and injure, and maim.
They finally gave in,
Old Daniel did win,
Now they have themselves to blame.

The son is now thirty three,
He should have gotten a Wii;
But he got his way,
A game console to play,
It brings him a whole lot of glee.

Now Dan has his own little boy,
Does Dan question buying him toys?
Will Dan make him wait?
Or will he placate?
And bring his young offspring some joy.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Category:

Humor, News, Weird News

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Authorities Arrest Australian Animal Abuser


Australian man in trouble with RSPCA for riding an emu.

An Australian farmer who filmed himself riding an emu and posted the footage on the internet is being investigated by authorities for cruelty to animals.

A Queensland man who posted videos of himself riding an emu, and using a live calf and dead pig as part of his exercise routine, could be charged with animal cruelty offences.

“What most overseas people get confused about Australia is they think we ride kangaroos to work, but in actual fact we ride emus,” he says in the video.

The man, identified on his Facebook page as Jack Mcmillan, then proceeds to ride “Betsy” the emu whilst shouting, “righto girl let’s go, off to work we go!”

Biosecurity Queensland says it received the footage from the RSPCA and it’s being assessed to determine the most appropriate action to take under the Animal Care and Protection Act 2001.

The Mr. Mcmillan later defended his actions in a Facebook post, saying he’d rescued the emu.

“So it turns out someone thought my video of the emu was that good they thought (sic) they should let the coppas no (sic),” he wrote.

“Just to clear up if it wasn’t for me that emu would of being (sic) dead right now as it was tangled up in a barb wire fence and I cut it out and made a video.”

A spokeswoman has told AAP the maximum penalty for animal cruelty in Queensland is $220,000 (£121,218) or two years imprisonment.

Found @:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/australiaandthepacific/australia/10493357/Australian-man-in-trouble-with-RSPCA-for-riding-an-emu.html

Hmmm…

Some guy was riding a bird,
That’s something I’ve never heard;
It happened down under,
It was a real blunder,
You don’t have to take my word.

He put a vid on YouTube
He’s truly is a real boob;
The world saw his stunt,
I can’t be more blunt,
Some think he’s a real live rube.

He thinks he’s within his rights,
He rescued the bird not in flight;
It was caught in barbed wire,
The situation was dire,
I think the guy isn’t too bright.

He’s charged with being too cruel,
To an animal that is the rule;
He might pay a fine,
Cause he crossed the line,
He shouldn’t have been such a fool.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Category:

Humorous News, News, Weird News

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Sleazy Santa Seized


HANOVER, MA—

Bad Santa’ arrested for pinching elf’s bottom!

Mall Santa denies attack on 18-year-old woman dressed as an elf.

A man employed to dress as Father Christmas in an American shopping mall has been arrested after he allegedly groped the bottom of a female co-worker as she walked past his chair.

Herbert Jones, 62, is alleged to have pinched the bottom of the 18-year-old woman, who was playing the part of an elf photographer in a grotto in Hanover, in Massachusetts.

The victim also claimed Mr. Jones told her, “I wish you were a few years older and I was younger.”

Following the incident last weekend, Mr. Jones is now facing charges for indecent assault and battery on a person over the age of 14.

He denies the allegations, telling police: “I did not touch that girl.”

Mr. Jones, (who has a bushy white beard), and the alleged victim are employed by Cherry Hill Photos.

“We have been made aware that an allegation of improper conduct has been lodged against the person portraying Santa at Hanover Mall by another employee working at the Santa photography concession,” Cherry Hill Photos said in a statement. “This allegation has been denied by the individual portraying Santa.”

A judge has ruled that Mr. Jones cannot work as a Santa Claus while out on bail.

He is due back in court on Christmas Eve.

Found @: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/10477178/Bad-Santa-arrested-for-pinching-elfs-bottom.html

Hmmm…

They caught a bad Santa for pinching,
He did it without even flinching;
He pinched a young elf,
Now he’s on the shelf,
He might have been better off Grinching.

He was shortly thereafter arrested,
Of course, the old pervert protested;
I am without fault,
In this phony assault,
The charge will now be contested.

The guy is now out on bail,
Instead of sitting in jail,
The bearded old jerk,
Is now out of work,
As a Santa he certainly failed.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Category:

Humor, News, poetry

Tagged with:

Gromdar Guy Going Global?


Inventor Of Gromdar Determined To Put A Gromdar In Every American Home

SAN JOSE, CA—

Laying out his vision for the company’s future at a shareholder meeting yesterday, Gromdar, Inc. cofounder and Gromdar inventor Jeffrey Shanes said that he is determined to put a Gromdar in every home in the nation, sources reported.

Stating that the Gromdar brand name “is synonymous with innovation, quality, and high performance,” Shanes told investors that, beginning with its forthcoming line of personal Gromdars sold at licensed Gromdar retailers across the country, the company aims to change the American way of life “Gromdar by Gromdar.”

“Our goal is not only to put a Gromdar in each home, but in each room of each home,” said Shanes, noting that ever since he built the first laboratory-sized Gromdar as a graduate student, he’s envisioned a world in which every citizen has access to a private, portable Gromdar. “Gromdar technology has been around for years, but until now, we haven’t been able to bring Gromdars to the consumer market. Now we have a chance to make Gromdars such an integral part of daily life, people will think, ‘Can you remember a time without Gromdars?’”

“We want people to say, ‘I bought a Gromdar for my wife, I bought a Gromdar for my mom, heck, I even bought Gromdars for my kids!’” he continued. “We want people without Gromdars to envy people with Gromdars. This time next year, you’re not going to want to be seen in public without a Gromdar of your own.”

According to the company’s website, Gromdar, Inc. originally manufactured Gromdars exclusively for military use, winning a lucrative contract with the U.S. Department of Defense to supply powerful Gromdars for operations in Iraq and Afghanistan. With profits from the government contract, the corporation reportedly invested millions of dollars in research and development to adapt Gromdars for the commercial sector, and soon began selling thousands of Gromdars to businesses across the country.

Shanes explained to shareholders that advances in technology have allowed Gromdars to be manufactured more efficiently and inexpensively than ever before, bringing down the cost and size of the device as well as reducing the numerous safety hazards of Gromdar ownership.

Responding to concerns about the marketability of home Gromdars, the tech entrepreneur acknowledged that most new products face resistance from the consuming public when they are first introduced. However, Shanes expressed his confidence that using a Gromdar—or Gromming—would quickly come to be regarded as a fundamental and indispensable part of everyday life.

“Some people might say, ‘What do I need a personal Gromdar for? I’m never going to use it,’” Shanes said after one investor compared the Gromdar to the Blordash. “That’s the same thing people once said about microwaves, but now we can’t live without them. Mark my words, the people who are most skeptical of owning a Gromdar are going to be the ones who won’t be able to put their Gromdars down, whether they’re at home, in their office, or traveling.”

As part of the company’s efforts to bring Gromdars to the public, Shanes said that Gromdar, Inc. is embarking on an ambitious marketing initiative including television spots, prominent social media campaigns on Facebook and Twitter, a sponsorship deal with actor and musician Jared Leto, and product placement in popular movies and video games.

Shanes also noted that thousands of billboards and public transit advertisements were currently being installed in cities throughout the country featuring a picture of a Gromdar against a white background and the brief tagline, “Your Life, Your Gromdar.”

By the end of the next financial quarter, Shanes said, his goal is to see consumers lined up around the block to get their hands on the latest Gromdar.

“The Gromdar is a truly innovative product that will revolutionize the way we work, socialize, learn, entertain ourselves, cook, and even exercise,” Shanes said while gesturing to a shiny teal Gromdar on a table alongside him. “By 2016, we want to see Gromdars plugged into every kitchen, on every car dashboard, and bolted into every desk in every school in America. We believe today’s generation will be the Gromdar generation.”

“The question isn’t whether you can afford to buy a Gromdar; the question is whether you can afford not to,” he added.

Found at:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/inventor-of-gromdar-determined-to-put-a-gromdar-in,34633/

Hmmm…

There is an odd guy named Shanes,
Who vocally now complains;
It is his intention,
To get his invention,
Everywhere; is that insane?

A Gromdar is what he is selling,
He wants one in every dwelling;
In bathrooms and cars,
Perhaps even Mars,
His message is quite compelling.

Could this be something you need?
Let’s buy one now, will you soon plead?
Get them while they’re hot,
Get two; sure why not?
Get twelve, make your bank account bleed.

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved.

Category:

Humor, Weird News

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