It’s nice to know that the planets in the celestial sphere are on our side, so to speak.
They give us a heads up on our daily lives.
All we have to do is listen up and act accordingly.
Isn’t life wonderful?
We hope this week brings each of you the realization of your dreams.
If not, maybe next week will fulfill your every wish.
Then again, that’s wishful thinking for a HORROR-scope!
Aries… Mars is in its fourth house now. You don’t need a contractor to build new relationships.
Taurus…Venus is in retrograde now. Your enemies are plotting to bake you in a shoofly pie.
Gemini… Mercury is rising at the moment. You will have the urge to do a charcoal drawing of a char woman in Charleston.
Cancer…. The moon is in its seventh house this week. Be aware. Your enemies are out to whittle you.
Leo… The Sun is on the cusp of Leo this week. Don’t be alarmed if you suddenly go back in time.
Virgo… Mercury is rising now. Don’t take a backhoe to a chiropractor. They generally know little about hydraulics.
Libra… Venus is in retrograde now. You will awaken to find yourself a coo coo bird in a German, Black Forest clock.
Scorpio… Pluto is in its second house this week. You will soon encounter a swordsman, a sordid affair and/or a sorcerer.
Sagittarius… Jupiter is descending at this time. Using birth control will prevent you from conceptualizing.
Capricorn… Saturn is on the cusp of Capricorn at this time. Be aware. Don’t date a lumberjack. They only want to cut you down to size, just like Dennis Miller.
Aquarius… Uranus is rising now. You will be famous for your ability to slouch on a couch.
Pisces… Neptune is in perigee now. Be careful around someone cross, someone cross eyed, and/or cross town traffic.
And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:
“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”