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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Sept. 25th, 2016


astrology

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello again my friends of fortunes.

Another week has flown by.

Unfortunately, it crashed and burned.

We’ve worked the charts over, and they’ve given us their best.

Too bad, their best isn’t good enough.

This week’s agenda includes: gherkins, Smokey Bear, and the ever popular, Seven Dwarves.

Enjoy…

Aries… Saturn is in high transitional mode now. That is not a good sign for an Aries. In the future, you will open a nail salon where are you will trim peoples toenails with hedge clippers. Lawsuits will follow. You will lose a lot of money.

Taurus… Mars is in high substantive mode now. That will only bring you trouble. In the future, you will suddenly develop a fear of gherkins, girth, and/or Garth Brooks. You will rarely leave your home, kind of like Dennis Miller.

Gemini… Mercury is in opposition to Gemini and on the cusp of Mars. That’s a terrible sign for a Gemini. In the distant future, you will spend much time and a lot of money researching and writing a book called, ”How to be Avuncular For Fun and Profit”. Only a few social scientists we’ll buy a copy. You will not be happy with that outcome.

Cancer… The Moon is in its seventh house getting its heating system inspected. It’s not going well. That means trouble for you. One day in the future, you will be famous on Broadway for your nut roll. However, your fame will be short lived. Depression will set in.

Leo… The Sun is in its lower quadrant now and in opposition to Leo. That is not a good combination. In the distant future, you will spend much time and a lot of money researching and writing a book called, “How to Lean Forward For Fun and Profit”. Only a few fast walkers will buy a copy. You will not be happy about that.

Virgo… Uranus is in ultraphasic mode now. That is not a good sign for a Virgo. In the future, you will find yourself having difficulty memorizing the names of the Seven Dwarfs. Eventually, you will wind up sleepy, grumpy, and dopey.

Libra… Mars is in opposition to Libra and at odds with it. That’s never a good sign for a Libra. Keep a close eye on your bones this week. Your enemies are planning to disarticulate you.

Scorpio… Pluto is in super dimensional mode now. That’s a bad sign for a Scorpio. In the future, you are going to find a lot of money in those slacks you haven’t worn in months. The cash will be useful during your next Monopoly game.

Sagittarius… Saturn is in tri-gencial position now. That’s never a good sign for a Sagittarius. Soon your friends and family will think you’re strange when you constantly vibrate at a high frequency.

Capricorn… The Earth is in bi-modal mode now. That is a bad condition for a Capricorn. Things will go terribly wrong when you invite Smokey Bear to a barbecue that goes terribly wrong. As a result, he will not hug you. Afterwards, you will be sad.

Aquarius… Venus is in semi-transitional mode now. That is a terrible sign for an Aquarius. In the future, you will become confused when you try to decide whether to buy elevator shoes or escalator shoes. The whole idea will drive you batty.

Pisces… Neptune is in di-verticular mode now. That is not a good sign for a Pisces. In the future, you will write a bestselling book called, “Gathering Gussets For Fun And Profits”. Only a few gusset collectors will buy a copy. You will not be pleased over the outcome.

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2016 Ronald J. Yarosh

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Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – Scope for the week of: Nov. 22nd, 2015


horoscope chart

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello again, you wonderful followers of fun and fluctuation.

Here we are once again with a mouthful of mushy meanderings for your dancing pleasure.

The charts seem to be giving us more than average weirdness lately.

So, let’s dive right in and see what’s in store for you.

This week’s catalog of carefree capriciousness includes cats, eagles, saddles, and of course, the ever popular, itchiness.

Enjoy…

Aries… Venus is in micordial mode now. That’s never a good sign. Not long from now you will become confused. You will buy a chain saw. Then, you will attempt to trim a Branch Bank. You will be arrested.

Taurus… Mars is juxta perennial mode now. That’s spells trouble. One day, you will put glitter in cat litter. It won’t improve it at all. You won’t be happy, nor will your cats…all 97 of them. Look out!

Gemini… Neptune is tri-genital now. That’s never good for a Gemini. One day in the future, you will be involved with recipes or reciprocity. It isn’t clear at this time. In any case, it won’t work out well for you. Depression will follow.

Cancer… The Moon is in its fifth house losing at Monopoly. That spells trouble for you. In the future you will start a business making wigs for bald eagles. Since you can’t touch a bald eagle by Federal Law, you will go out of business while you cool your heels in jail. Let us know how that works out.

Leo… The Sun is in dihedral position now. That’s a bad sign for you. In the future you will have the overwhelming desire to collect striations for a living. People will think you are crazy and avoid you.

Virgo… Jupiter is bi locating at the moment. That will bring you double trouble. In the distant future, you will try to join a tribe in order to learn how to conduct a diatribe. A witch doctor will attack you with her broom. It will be painful.

Libra… Saturn is dextracating at this time. That’s never good for a Libra. Someday, you will either become fashion conscious, or unconscious. Either way, it will present a whole new set of problems for you. Too bad.

Scorpio… The Earth is truncating at this time. That spells trouble for you. In the future, you will try to put a saddle on a woman with a ponytail. The woman in question will be upset. You won’t be successful. You won’t be happy, and you will be scorned.

Sagittarius… Mercury is dijunctated at this time. That’s not good. In the distant future, you will accumulate a huge weapons collection. Then, the government will come along and kick you in the arsenal. You won’t be happy about that.

Capricorn… Mars is in trinocturn mode at this time. That’s never good. One day, you will develop an unscratchable itch. It will drive you crazy, then it will charge you for mileage.

Aquarius… Venus is in total opposition to Aquarius at this time. That foretells trouble for you. Someday in the future, will try to unseat deceit. We’re not sure of the outcome. Good luck with that.

Pisces… Uranus is yearning for Venus now. Venus wants no part of Uranus. That spells trouble for you. One day in the future, you will become annoyed when deranged Boy Scouts brush you off, then they will try to tie knots in your hair. Ouch!

And…remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved

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Horror-scopes

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Your HORROR – scope for the week of Sep 15th, 2013


We are getting close to the Autumnal Equinox (AE).

According to our Accuweather forecast, the AE should arrive on September 22, 2013 at 4:44 P.M EDT in the USA, barring any unforeseen delays in the Celestial Sphere.

You should consult your star maps and/or Farmer’s Almanacs for your part of the world.

We should have fair skies and a chance of showers in the southern regions.

This impending change in seasons brings a myriad of prognostications for your enjoyment.

Please plan accordingly.

Here goes…

Aries… Mars is in its seventh house now, waiting for prospective buyers. Beware! Your enemies want to seal you in a Kellogg’s Variety Pack. We hope ou like corn flakes.

Taurus…Venus is trine with Taurus at this time.  You will awaken to find yourself lost on Park Avenue in a Monopoly game.

Gemini… Mercury is rising very slowly now (after all it’s pretty old).  You will gain fame and fortune for your ability to shuck.

Cancer… The Moon is on the cusp of Cancer at this time. Be careful. Your enemies are out to donate you to an organ bank.

Leo… The Sun is in its fourth house at the moment cleaning up after a wild party. Sorry you weren’t invited.  Stop worrying. Your life will be much more pleasant when your blood stops curdling.

Virgo… Mercury is rising very slowly now (after all it’s pretty old now).  You are correct in your thinking. True love can only be found by reverse osmosis.

Libra… Venus is on the cusp of Libra now. Be forewarned. You should not date a mechanic unless you are looking for a real motor mouth like Dennis Miller.

Scorpio… Pluto is in retrograde at this time. This week you should be preoccupied by perspicacity while wearing pink, polyester pantsuits.

Sagittarius… Jupiter is on the rise at the moment. This week you will be asked to prove your precious pedigree to preoccupied peasants.

Capricorn… Saturn is in its second house playing cards with a nearby asteroid. Stay away from people who are precocious, pre-conscious, and too cautious.

Aquarius… Uranus is descending now. It seems you will dive into a swimming pool filled with children only to discover that the water is quite a bit warmer than when you put your toe into it.

Pisces… Neptune  is on the cusp of Pisces now. You should encounter something jade, a long parade and/or a glass of lemonade.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

© 2013 Ronald J. Yarosh

All rights reserved.

Category:

Horror-scopes

Tagged with:

Your HORROR – scope for the week of Dec. 9th 2012


The planets and celestial bodies are aligned just right this week, especially for the holiday season. They bring you gift suggestions from beyond. Take heed and choose carefully.

Aries… Take the woolly mammoth present off your gift list. They are sold out…again this year.

Taurus… Don’t buy your sweetie another personality. You always buy the wrong size anyway.

Gemini… The perfect gift for that someone special is undoubtedly the ear wax sculpture. Get it while they’re hot.

Cancer… This year, buy the gift that makes a statement. Get a spatula for every room in the house.

Leo… Yes, buy it today. Your honey always wanted to be a pig farmer.

Virgo… This year we recommend you take more time when purchasing that special gift. After all, there are a lot of items in those dollar stores.

Libra… Don’t give your special one money again this year. Your darling already has enough for three Monopoly games.

Scorpio… What a wonderful gift choice you’ve made this year. After all only special people can use a Gum Scraping Gift Certificate.

Sagittarius… Don’t over think this opportunity for a unique gift. No doubt about it, getting a BOGO Pre-paid Funeral deal is dead on.

Capricorn… The stars can’t be wrong. We definitely recommend you buy your loved one the trained eels.

Aquarius… Don’t wait until the last minute. Schedule it today. His and her lobotomies are a no-brainer.

Pisces… You are wise to buy your friend a rectal examination. It’s the perfect gift for a pain in the butt, or for Dennis Miller.

And remember what Weird Al says about astrology in his song, “Your Horoscope For Today”:

“Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.”

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Horror-scopes

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