Funny Business
I thought this video was pretty funny.
You may have already seen it.
If not, enjoy…
http://mom.me/in-the-loop/26414-orangutan-rofls-magic-trick/
Posts tagged ‘news’
Controversial Court Case Concluded
Panicking Tom Brady Unable To Stop Smirking Since Suspension Overturned
FOXBOROUGH, MA—
A full week after a federal judge overturned his four-game NFL suspension, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady noted with alarm Wednesday that he has been physically unable to stop smirking since the court’s ruling.
“I was obviously really happy when I heard the judge’s decision, but it’s seven days later and all the muscles in my face are still just stuck like this,” said Brady, grinning at reporters with visible fear and panic in his eyes.
“Yesterday, my wife came home upset about something that had happened earlier, and I physically could not stop smirking the whole time she was talking. Even now, I’m trying with every ounce of my strength to just stop smiling, and I can’t. I don’t know what to do—please, God, someone help me.”
At press time, after several hours of uncomfortable tossing and turning in bed, Brady had finally fallen asleep with a pained smirk still frozen on his face.
Found at: http://www.theonion.com/article/panicking-tom-brady-unable-stop-smirking-suspensio-51275
Hmmm…
Tom Brady is wearing a smirk?
Some people still think he’s a jerk,
That under inflation,
Has swept the whole nation,
Others think he is a “Turk”.
To Tom the smirk is alarming,
To others it seems to be charming,
Is it pure luck,
That the smirk has just stuck?
It’s something that could be disarming.
There’s something about this man’s grinning,
He seems to be constantly winning,
The court went his way,
Now he can play,
Can this be a brand new beginning?
© 2015
Ronald J. Yarosh
All Rights Reserved
It is illegal to copy or use this poetry without the owner’s permission.
Matron Mulls Mortality
Senior Citizen Keeps Mind Active By Contemplating Death
PORTLAND, ME—
In an effort to remain mentally sharp well into her golden years, local senior citizen Evelyn Gordon, 86, told reporters Thursday she keeps her mind active by regularly contemplating her rapidly approaching death.
“For just a few minutes every day, I really try to focus in and challenge my brain by thinking about all the different ways I might die in the next few years,” said Gordon, who attempts to improve cognitive function by performing mental exercises whenever she has downtime, such as calculating the number of days she has left on earth or carefully visualizing friends and family paying their respects at her funeral.
“Then, before bed, I like to give my memory a nice workout by recalling all of the close friends and loved ones who have already passed away, and how that could realistically happen to me any day now. Of course, mostly I keep my mind sharp by concentrating on what it means to vanish into nothingness and be utterly forgotten. It really helps keep me alert.”
Gordon added that she has also taken to learning something new every day about the neurodegenerative diseases that will quite possibly claim her mind sometime soon.
Found@ http://www.theonion.com/articles/senior-citizen-keeps-mind-active-by-contemplating,38311/
Hmmm…
Evelyn contemplates death,
Taking her last living breath;
When is her last day?
Could it be today?
It seems to have shades of Macbeth.
She thinks of the ways she could die,
And the people who would surely cry;
She thinks of folks gone,
Those who have moved on,
She doesn’t look back and ask why.
She does it for mental agility,
She hopes it will help her abilities;
She thinks about dying,
Without any crying,
Death has its own grave futility.
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved
Scared Swans Separating?
Study Finds Swans Only Other Animals Who Mate For Few Years, Get Scared, End Things, Then Regret It
ATHENS, GA—
Revealing how closely the waterfowl’s social behavior resembles that of humans, a study released Thursday by the University of Georgia has found that swans are the only other members of the animal kingdom that mate for a few years, get scared, decide to end things, and are later filled with immense regret.
“Although most animals either procreate freely or select a single partner with which to mate for life, we observed that swans, like humans, get freaked out about their relationship after an extended period of time together, abruptly call things off, and then come to realize they made a huge mistake,” avian biologist Michael Brooks told reporters, noting that both humans and swans typically grow increasingly dissatisfied with their romantic partner following a particularly monotonous period of feeding and nesting before panicking and concluding that they’re just not ready to settle down.
“While a swan that separates from its partner will inevitably determine that this impulsive decision was foolish, by the time the bird comes to this realization, its former companion has already met someone new and is very, very happy.”
Researchers also noted that only humans and swans enter a painful spiral of regret over their lost relationship and then compulsively mate with several partners in a futile effort to recapture what they once had.
Found @ http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-finds-swans-only-other-animals-who-mate-for,38198/
Hmmm…
Swans not staying together?
They’re not mating forever?
One leaves the nest,
Perhaps due to stress,
Their relationship is severed.
A recent swan study has found,
They’re not ready to settle down,
They are dissatisfied,
With what they have tired,
Do they leave not making a sound?
Later the swans have regrets,
Does that also apply to Egrets?
When they depart,
Does it break their hearts?
Is it something they cannot forget?
Or, is this study a fake?
If so, please give me a break,
In so many words,
We’re not like those birds,
We don’t swim and live in a lake.
It’s true couples do split,
When their life styles don’t fit,
But that’s not to say,
It is the swan’s way,
That’s something you’ll have to admit.
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved
Fine Floor Fantasy Finally Fulfilled
EDINA, MN—
Moved by a grand and profound force to expand her maple-finish domain beyond its limited borders in the kitchen, area woman Linda Ellison finally achieved her own manifest destiny of hardwood floors throughout her home this week, sources confirmed.
“Though I understood it would be a long, arduous journey that would likely take many years to complete, I always knew deep down that one day, I would be able to look out across high-gloss, select-grade wood panels stretching all the way from the foyer to the back guest room,” said Ellison, who, despite numerous obstacles, never wavered in her pursuit of covering all 1,900 square feet of her ranch-style home in a varnished, light-tone flooring.
“Finding mold in the den underneath the old Berber carpeting and having to reroute some electrical work may have temporarily slowed us, but nothing could stop our advancement.”
“Now, at long last, every corner of the concrete subfloor has been covered in interlocking 2-and-a-quarter-inch hardwood, and this fated vision has become reality.”
Sources noted, however, that Ellison’s full-scale transformation of the household landscape had come at the cost of the forced relocation of her husband’s favorite recliner to the basement.
Found @
http://www.theonion.com/articles/woman-fulfills-manifest-destiny-of-hardwood-floor,37711/
Hmmm…
A woman got some new floors,
Her carpeting would be no more,
It’s done in light tone,
To improve her home,
It’s something she really adores.
It took many years to complete,
The nineteen hundred square feet,
Now it’s installed,
From wall to wall,
It was a difficult feat.
It cost her husband his chair,
Which had been sitting right there,
It’s been relocated,
Perhaps it was hated,
Did he consider that fair?
Whatever the case may be,
The jobs done as we can see,
The work is now over,
And she sits in clover,
A manifest destiny.
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved
Woman Walks Wire
Here is a photo of Faith Dickey of Austin, Texas (USA), walking the wire during the Women’s Highline Meeting in the Czech Republic.
As you can see, she’s wearing high-heeled shoes.
And, she’s walking on the wire in the rain.
Hmmm…
Walking a wire in the rain,
The woman could not be restrained,
It has been revealed,
She did it in heels,
Her balance was surely sustained.
Faith carefully managed her fear,
While the ground wasn’t so near,
She survived her walk,
Faith does walk the talk,
The crowd reacted with cheers.
She is the first of her kind,
There’s no one else we could find,
Who wore her high heels,
While walking on steel,
Courage has been redefined.
© 2015 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved
Cat Catastrophe Case Closed
Cat That Was Accidentally Sold With Mattress Gets Back Home
PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) — Camo is hiding no longer.
The Oregon cat accidentally sold with a mattress set is home after 10 days on his own.
Roy Dufek wrote in a statement that his girlfriend, Hayley Crews, caught Camo in a trap Saturday night after he was reportedly seen near the Hillsboro Airport west of Portland. The trap was baited with sardines in oil and familiar scented clothing.
People across the Portland area and beyond had been on the lookout for Camo after his unusual disappearance got national attention.
Dufek sold his girlfriend’s mattress set Dec. 17 without realizing the cat was likely in a favorite hiding spot: the box spring.
Unable to find Camo at the mattress buyer’s home, Dufek took to social media for help tracking down the 5-year-old cat that likely scurried out of the box spring when the buyer, who lives near the airport, took it off the car roof.
Dufek wrote that Camo was 2 pounds lighter after 10 days outside, and had a cut lip, broken nails and a bleeding paw. On Sunday, Camo was examined by a veterinarian and given a bath by Crews.
“We can’t even imagine what he’s been through in a week and (a) half running wild near the countryside, especially in this weather,” Dufek wrote.
The couple thanked everyone for their help, saying it’s great to know friends and strangers had their back in time of need.
“We can’t ever repay or say thank you enough to all the people that spent their cherished holiday time, and resources to help us bring Camo home,” Dufek wrote Sunday. “It was quite emotional last night, we’re in shock of this whole experience, and have been holding him tight!”
Found @ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/12/29/cat-sold-mattress_n_6392298.html?utm_hp_ref=weird-news
Hmmm…
A cat was lost in a bed,
At least that’s what has been said,
A bed set was sold,
With the five year old,
Camo immediately fled.
He was out ten days on his own,
Hungry and lost all alone,
He made it all right,
Through days and at night,
In places that weren’t well known.
They caught him with sardines as bait,
They didn’t have too long to wait,
He entered the trap,
It closed with a snap,
The cat looked like he lost some weight.
Camo was checked out by a Vet.,
That is as good as it gets,
Then he went home,
No more will he roam,
That wonderful special cat pet.
© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved
Parents Pardon Pleases Perpetrator
VERONA, WI—
Despite his best efforts to conceal the damage, area teen, Kyle Towser, confirmed Wednesday that his parents could clearly tell he had a huge house fire while they were away for the weekend.
“I tried to cover it up before they came home by throwing blankets over the worst scorches on the floor and couches, but they could definitely smell smoke on me as soon as they came through the door,” said Towser, adding that what began as a small house fire soon got completely out of control and kept on going until well after 4 a.m.
“I mean, of course they were going to find out: The den, kitchen, and master bedroom are totally destroyed. Plus, the neighbors complained when it really started raging.”
Towser went on to say that his parents were surprisingly understanding since they had house fires when they were kids, too.
Found @ http://www.theonion.com/articles/returning-parents-can-tell-son-had-huge-house-fire,37647/
Hmmm…
Young Towser witnessed a fire,
The situation was dire,
His folks were away,
Not just for the a day,
It was something no one would desire.
He tried to cover the mess,
The fire caused him some stress,
Would mom and dad yell?
When detecting the smell?
It was anybody’s guess.
His parents took it quite well,
They had their own story to tell,
Of fires they had,
They weren’t so sad,
They had their own flames to quell.
© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved
Funny Fake Phone
This Fake Phone Helps You Focus On Real Life
A phone that’s not a phone had raised more than $13,000 on Kickstarter as of Tuesday afternoon, well over its $5,000 original fundraising goal. The NoPhone lets you to avoid the horror of not having a smartphone in your hand by giving you a plastic phone-shaped block to hold instead of your usual iPhone or Android.
“Never again experience the unsettling feeling of flesh on flesh when closing your hand,” the New York City and Amsterdam-based designers deadpan on the Kickstarter page.
Like other pieces of plastic, the NoPhone is waterproof and non-addictive.
Van Gould, Ingmar Larsen and Ben Langeveld, the phone’s creators, told The Huffington Post in an email that they were inspired to make the NoPhone while drinking on a rooftop bar in New York City called 230 Fifth. They looked up from their phones and noticed that everyone else was holding their devices, too.
“You would have looked weird in this bar if you weren’t holding a phone,” they said. “That’s when we came up with the idea for the NoPhone.”
You may not be able to check Tinder on the NoPhone, but you might bother to look up — and end up having a drink with the person next to you instead. Then again, maybe not. Social instructions aren’t included.
The NoPhone isn’t the first product aimed at encouraging people to talk face to face. Last year, a bar in Brazil unveiled the Offline Glass — which has a chunk of its base cut out so that it can stand upright only when balanced on top of a phone.
“Smartphone addiction might be the one thing that we all have in common,” the NoPhone designers said.
The team said they are still looking into manufacturing options. For now, a $12 pledge on the Kickstarter will get you a NoPhone, to be delivered around December.
For an extra $6, you can add a reflective mirror for taking real-time selfies. And if you’re feeling fancy, you can “add a verbal hashtag by syncing your brain and vocal cords.”
Hmmm…
A phone that’s not a phone,
For work or when not alone,
The concept may make you groan,
It’s for those who are phone prone.
It’s nothing more than a prop,
To help you when trying to stop,
From phoning people nonstop,
It won’t break when it is dropped.
It will cost you 12 US dollars,
To wean you from being a caller,
But withdrawal may make you holler,
If you work or are now a scholar.
A mirror will cost you six,
They’ll throw it into the mix,
However it won’t take pics,
It’s no way to get your kicks.
© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved
App Appreciated And Applauded
Popular New Exercise App Just Tells Users They Ran 5 Miles A Day No Matter What
LOS ALTOS, CA—
Having reached nearly 2 million downloads within its first month of release, the new smartphone app ProMiler has quickly become one of the nation’s most popular exercise tools by informing users that they ran five miles each day no matter what, the app’s creators told reporters Friday.
“With ProMiler, achieving your exercise goals is as simple as turning on your device in the morning and being notified that you’ve already run five miles,” ProMiler spokesman John Lyons said while demonstrating the app, which uses advanced GPS technology to display a new, randomly generated five-mile running route near the user’s location every day.
“The more you take advantage of ProMiler, the better runner you become, as the app automatically reduces your running time by several seconds per day. And with our ‘Calories Burned’ counter staying fixed at the number 1,000 each day, 100 percent of our users report hitting their fitness targets. The results speak for themselves.”
Officials added that the app comes pre-synced with Facebook, allowing users to automatically post their time and running route on their feed for all their friends to see.
Found @ http://www.theonion.com/articles/popular-new-exercise-app-just-tells-users-they-ran,37096/
Hmmm…
The Promiler app is now here,
It may cause some people to cheer,
It says you’ve run miles,
Which brings lots of smiles,
Then you’re ready to have a cold beer.
It tells you that you have just run,
It logs in the miles; oh what fun,
It’s something to get,
For miles to be met,
It tells all your friends what you’ve done.
It registers calories burned,
But not the applause that you’ve earned,
It’s something to try,
On health you rely,
So surely you should be concerned.
The device is designed to please,
You ran without even a wheeze,
The app does the work,
While you wear a smirk,
And dig in to burgers with cheese.
© 2014 Ronald J. Yarosh
All rights reserved
Humorous Interludes by Ron Yarosh 
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